Thought you were safe, huh? Thought just because I haven't made
a video in nine months That you wouldn't be put on the
chopping block. Oh, oh, and the Predator 2 Review,
oh that was just last week. You'll be safe for a while, still. Yeah, right. I don't think so. It's time I finished what I started. Hello, world wide web! I'm Decker Shado, The internet personality with the
best hair. I'm sure a lot of you out there are
already familiar with the movie Alien VS Predator But, you might not know the fact that Even before this movie was in
pre-production A well established Alien VS Predator
media already existed In video games, comics, and even novels. And I am a HUGE fan of
Alien VS Predator. Personally, I never read the novels
or many of the comics, But I've been all over the various
AVP videogames throuought the years. They tended to have a pretty straightforward
story, as most games do. You could play as a Xenomorph, a Predator,
or a Colonial marine In the futuristic setting of the
Alien franchise. Generally, the humans were messing with
Xenomorphs, The Xenomorphs escape and begin to
reproduce And the Predators, attracted to the
conflict, arrive and start the hunt. Like I said, basic. But it gave us a logical excuse to
have these creatures duke it out. And that's all we really were asking for. So when I heard that Alien VS Predator
was finally coming to the big screen, Naturally, I got really excited. But until I sat down to see it, I wouldn't know how Fox handled
combining two of my favorate
science fiction horror franchises. So let's stop beating around the bush
and find out for ourselves. Oh, and one more thing. I'll be reviewing the unrated version
of AVP. Why? Well, when I put the DVD into my PC
and ripped the movie, That's the film it spat out. Don't worry, it's still a PG-13 film. So, right off the bat we're told we're in ...Antarctica? In 1904... Umm.. so I guess we won't be seeing any
Colonial marines yet. We see a severely underdressed man
somehow make it 15 feet without dying
of exposure, and.. The Predator? Does this guy really look intimidating
enough for a worthy trophy? Oh, a Xenomorph.. And.. okay that's the end of the scene. Uhh.. Well that was an originally deleted scene
that was added for the unrated version
of the film, so... Let's hope it has nothing to do with the
rest of the movie. The real opening shows a satellite taking
readings over Antarctica, which are relayed to a station owned by
Weyland corporation. Here, a couple of horrible actors trying
to portray scientists give the cheesiest lines I've heard in
modern cinema. "Come here!" "Take a look at this." "What is it?" "It's a data stream from PS12." "Where is she?" "Right above Sector 14" "There isn't anything in Sector 14." "There is now." I want to go out for Sonic. There is no Sonic in this city. There is now. We then cut to Nepal, where
we find Lex Woods climbing and almost fall to her death as her
cellphone goes off. "Hello?" "Miss Woods..." It turns out to be Weyland industries,
offering her a job and who happen to be waiting right
there anyway. "He didn't have a week." Well it's a good thing she caught herself. Otherwise, that little stunt you pulled
scaring her with the phone would have made for a very short
occupation. Suddenly, we're in Mexico where we find another random face,
Sebastian, an archaeologist. His excavation isn't going particularly
well "I'll bring in another team." What's the point of hiring someone else? Is he charging you too much? If you really thought nothing was there,
you'd just end the whole thing, right? And that 1950s Pepsi bottle cap is worth $3! How many more are down there?? So, racking his brain for a source of
funds, he runs into... "I might be able to help you accomplish
that, professor." Him again? Wasn't he just in Nepal? How fast is that helicopter of his,
anyway? Thank god the movie doesn't cut to
any more recruitment, as we see the team head out to Weyland's
ship. "I'm.. I'm documenting the trip
for my boys." "This is them, Jacob.. and Scotty." Ahhh... Yeah, you're dead. Well this scene does give off our first
real character building, with Lex displaying her knowledge of
the dangers involved with sub-zero
exploration, but displaying a calm demeanour. "The PSR is the point of safe return." "It means we've used up half our
fuel so we can't turn back." Before we know it, the group is all gathered
together and Mr. Weyland makes his
appearance to give the big speech. Lance Henrikson? So.. that image on that magazine.. with the
article about robotics.. that.. was Weyland? BISHOP Weyland?! Stretched out to the extreme, this ties the movie to Aliens, where we have
Lance Henrikson playing the android, Bishop. But if that was a robot in the image of
Weyland, why would Ripley not see through it from the
start? And in Alien 3 Lance returns as a human
being who works for the company, and is said to have designed the bishop
android. Neither of those events make any sense
at all if the ones present in this movie
are to be taken as canon. Uhh.. nevermind. Positive, Decker.. think positive. Lance.. is a good actor... Lance... is a GREAT actor... Okay, I can do this. Well, he shows everyone what they've
been able to make out from their
satellite imaging. "This pyramid contains the features of
all three cultures." "This might be the first pyramid
ever built!" The first pyramid ever built? In.. Antarctica? You do realize that the nest of
civilization is the middle east, right? And.. ancient Egyptians built step pyramids
similar to the Aztecs, before moving on to
the distinctive sloped pyramids. Ungh.. why do I know more about
archaeology than the archaeologists
in this movie? "How could anyone possibly build a
pyramid out here?" "Ancient maps show Antarctica free of ice." "It's likely the continent was once
habitable." The fuck? Ancient maps also show dragons
in the water! And, no, not for show! They really meant
"Danger! Sea monsters!" So, they recieve their ultimatum but Lex
doesn't want to send a team in without
time to properly prepare. They push for it, so she tells them that
she's not interested. "Find another guide." Well at least something in this movie
made sense. Lex is getting ready to leave, but wants
to know who they're bringing in her place. "Who'd you get?" "Jerold Murdoc." She is increidbly upset by their choice
of replacement, but considering how impatient Mr.
Weyland is about getting out there, I'm impressed they even bothere to
consider a replacement and didn't
just decide to head in without aid. Before she goes, Lex takes a stroll
on deck with some of the fodder. They chat for a while with absolutely
no visible breath during the October night, When temperatures can reach.. oh, around -100 degrees farienheit. "Streams of protons and electrons from the
sun, being reflected by the Earth's magnetic
field, causing a solar radiation storm." Wait, they actually got that right. After so many things wrong, how did
they manage to get that right? Oh, because the Aurora Bourealis has
nothing to do with the plot. Of course. "Shackleton called Antarctica the last
great journey left to man." "It's the one place left in the world
that no one ownes." Yes, not a single piece of Antarctica is
owned by anybody. Anybody that is, except for The Unitied Kingdom, New Zeland, France,
Norway, Australia, Chile and Argentina. Except for that small bit there,
sure, nobody. The team takes the opportunity to guilt
trip Lex into staying. "Come on, don't make me pull out pictures
of my kids again." Does that work? Though at this point, with how much
Weyland has NOT listened to her, now I'm wondering just why he even
bothered to hire her in the first place. He doesn't heed her warnings, doesn't
follow her advice, it's like she's a clause that he's
contractually obligated to fulfill rather
than a neccicairy part of the team. Well, a spaceship appears over the planet, and from the looks of it the Romulans are interested in the
pyramid as well. ..what the hell? This is supposed to be a Predator ship? Did they not see the amazing ship
from Predator 2? Why would they throw that away and
replace it with this generic,
Star Trek-y set instead? We then see the Predator masks
propped up, observing a projected
image of the pyramid. This kind of resembles the reflection
of the monitors in the emergency
helmets from Alien, but this just looks way too contrived. Apparently guilt is a powerful tool, as
Lex is present to give the crew her big
survival speech. "One, no one goes anywhere alone. Ever." "Two..." "everyone must maintain constant
communication." "Three.." "Unexpected things are going to happen,
when they do no one tries to be a hero." "Understood?" You know.. These three rules are the same ones my
mother used when she took me and my
siblings clothes shopping. Are they really going to be adequete for
Antarctica? I guess so, as they all head out across the
ice to the target site. Okay, I know winter in the antarctic
is very dark, but there should be some time during the
day in October when there is a little light. Given the terribly low temperatures in
Antarctica, Wouldn't it make more sense to wait to
then to set out and construct your camp? Oh, I'm sorry. Antarctica is 70 degrees in this movie. Well, they come to a stop to observe
their surroundings. "It's an abandoned whaling station." Crap! It's the set from the opening... "According to your sattelite imagery
Mr. Weyland, the pyramid is located
directly beneth it." So the team heads in to set up base camp and Lex tells Sebastian about the opening. "This station was abandoned in 1904." "Everyone just dissapeared overnight." "It was a big mystery back then." Wait, how'd she know a century old story
about an abandoned whaling camp? Well this information certainly sounds
important! Or to the characters at the camp, at
least interesting. What else does she have to say? Nothing. She just drops the topic and
moves on. Well they do find something a little
more interesting, I'll give them that. "Hey! Over here!" "Over here!" "What is it?" "It's drilled at a perfect 30 degree angle." Well then it's useless to you. The pyramid is 2000 feet below the ice, the tunnel is dug at a perfectly 30 degree
angle, therefore to get to that depth, you'd end up moving
a half mile off of target. Get drilling. "How far does it go down?" "All the way to the pyramid." No, I told you it's a half mile away. You said the pyramid was located
directly below the whalind station, so get drilling. "There it is, clear as day." umm.. that.. that.. That's not directly below! Gah! Okay, you fucked up history,
archaeology, and climate, but the least you could do is
remain logically consistent! So the team decides to take the
conveniently appearing tunnel to the
magically moving subterranian pyramid. Everyone's geting ready when Lex finds
Weyland is in rough shape. "There's no room for sick men
on this expidition." "My doctors tell me the worst is
behind me." "You're not a very good liar Mr. Weyland." She advises him to remain on the surface,
and he completely ignores her warnings. Okay, I'm still trying to figure out why
he's paying her. Well, an accident up top causes Weyland
to lose his rope and he begins sliding down. "Mr. Weyland!" "Bend down!"
(???) Okay, she saved him. From the dreadful 30 degree slide. I'm pretty sure he'd survive the way down. It's not like.. oh.. the pyramid was directly below the whaling
station or anything. Back on the surface, the Predator vessel
launches 3 landing pods. Uhh.. I know the Predators are
tough and all, But, impact is impact. Without slowing their descent, they've
pretty much splattered all over the
insides of those pods. Oh, these are the Predators from Predator 2. Well in the meantime, the team finds the
pyramid right after they finish climbing
down the tunnel. The hieroglyphs clearly depict Predators
and Xenomorphs locked in combat, A completely unnoticed pressure plate
later, and we find out just what the forgotten
leftovers in the back of the Pred's fridge
looks like. Ehh, I've seen worse. "What is it?" They examine the markings, and find them
jumbled mixes of Egyptian, Aztec, and
Cambodian script. That's not how the evolution of language
works! You don't have one master language that
is every language at once, and then the individual parts split up later. English came from German, Spanish and Italian came from Latin, and I doubt anyscribe in history wrote
a single sentence in multiple languages if they wanted anybody to actually
understand them, so on that note sina bidst le baka! Okay, so back on the surface we see the
highly skilled professional guardsmen
of Weyland industries being indiscriminately slaughtered by
the Predators. They corner one man, and knock him
down the happy slide. Maybe I'm just jealous, that thing looks
like a lot of fun. Meanwhile, the team on the inside is
examining the sacraficial chamber when they discover a jump scare. "Whatever this is, it's been dead a while." "The bones have completely calcified." "No idea how long it's been here, but
the temperature's kept it preserved." "Looks like some kind of scorpion." "No, climate's to hostile for a scorpion." Oh, the climate is much too hostile for
a scorpion. Okay. Nevermind that everything else in this
movie is fucked up. Nevermind that scorpions have
exoskeletons, NOT bones. And nevermind that that thing looks
abso-fucking-lutely nothing like a
scorption! The team drops a glowstick down a
shaft, and discover a room below the
chamber. "It's a shaft to another level." "Looks like there's another room
down there." A jump cut to our friend from earlier,
and we see that yes, you can survive the happy slide! Oh, the Predators are actually leaving
him be? Finally, something makes sense. It's not like he's a worthy
trophy or anything. After a short walk, Lex checks her watch and
figures out they've reached the area below
the sacraficial chamber. "This should be directly below
the sacraficial chamber." She could have just
looked for the glowstick, But I guess it could have just ended up
there the last time the Egyptians, Aztecs
and Cambodians came by and had a rave. They discover a sarcophagus with an
Aztec calendar. Not bothering to photograph or
document it in any way, they start fiddling with the dials. "You sure this is gonna work?" "I don't know." "Back up!" It opens, revealing it's contents of
plasma casters. Lex tells the team that it's time to
head back and for the first time in the entire
movie, they actually listen to her. "You wanted to leave without
proper prep, we did." "You wanted to be the first ones
here, we are." "You've claimed the find, it's yours." "Now we move as a team, and we're
done for the day." "You heard her." Finally! wait.. The entire time that she's been out there
trying to keep them safe, they've been
ignoring her warnings and been fine anyway. Now they finally listend to her... Aww, crap! The entire pyramid begins shifting,
trapping the teams in their respective
chambers. "You okay?" "Yeah." Slab's gotta weight 2 tons,
we'll never move it." Eggs rise into the sacraficial chamber,
and fortunately one of them is armed. Well I'm sure she can hold the facehuggers
off for at least a little while. Or let them get her before she even fires
off one shot. The guards with the other team stop BSing
and ready their weapons. Interesting, considering they haven't seen
anything at this point beyond sliding doors. But I digress. We finally get an explanation for the
heat bloom. "The heat bloom that your satellite
detected makes a lot more sense now,
Mr. Weyland." "What do you mean?" "well.." "A building this sophisticated would
require a major energy source." "I think that's what your satellite
detected." "A power plant for this pyramid,
firing up." "Preparing." "Preparing?" "For what?" Interesting, but the team is more
interested in escape at this point,
and presses on. Back in the upper chamber, we find the
worst marksman on the planet waking
after her date with the facehugger. What in the hell? It's only been like 5 minutes. When did it have time to eat it's Wheaties? The Predators close in on the other team,
and see they have their weapons. Leading to a short confrontation, before... "The pyramid's shifting again!" Well, that's convenient. The remaining group is split up into
several much smaller groups. "Somebody!!" And before you know it, suddenly
we've got full grown Xenomorphs to
worry about. Holy hell... where are they hiding the
Powerbars in this pyramid? Next we get to see one of the scientists
and guards bonding. "You got any children?" "I got a son." "Yeah, I've got two." Aww! He's got a family, too! Yeah, you're so fucking dead. Well we have time for another lesson
today, from Sebastian. "The Aztec calendar was metric." "Based on multiples of ten." "I'm guessing that the pyramid reconfigures
every ten minutes."
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00:21:30,90 --> 00:21:30,690
What? Sure, the Aztec calendar is metric, but you're assuming every ten minutes? Even if the Aztecs had seconds of the
exact same length the modern world does, a purely metric system would mean 1 second,
to 10, to 100, to 1000. 10 minutes is 600 seconds. The modern system for tracking time is
anything but metric. We have 60 seconds to a minute, 60 minutes
to an hour, and 24 hours to a day. Sorry Sebastian, but you're stuck. What the hell? Well, we get to see our doomed duo
exploring some more, in tight enclosed
spaces. And wouldn't you know it, Xenos
just so happen to show up. "Want a piece of me?" "You ugly son of a bitch!" *ROAR* Did that alien just roar like a lion? *ROAR* "Oh god." I may not be able to figure out how this
movie's going to butcher science next, but I know a walking corpse when I see one. Well, Lex's team continues on and Miss
Woods takes it upon herself to carry
the plasma caster. "Give it to me." The Predators net the remaining guardsman,
and one prepares to take out Lex. Because, you know unarmed women are
the best kinds of trophies. She is inadvertently saved however, when
a Xenomorph shows up and we finally get a glimpse of what this
movie advertised. Alien VS Predator. One Predator down in record time, the second rushes at the Xeno and the
battle begins. I won't lie to you. This fight here is incredible. The Predator and Alien fight back and forth
with such ferocity, and each use so many of their species'
trademark abilities. I... I really like this scene. Well, our final survivors, who are down
to Lex, Sebastian, and Weyland rush to
get up some stairs. Which obviously, Weyland has trouble with. "I've got to stop! I've got to stop!" The final Predator closes in on them, and
Weyland tries to hold it off. Being a sick old man, instead of a hot, young woman the Predator decids he's not worth his time. Weyland takes the opportunity to use his
inhaler as a makeshift flamethrower. Successfully pissing the Predator
off enough to kill him. Sebastian and Lex run along, and the
pyramid starts shifting again conveniently preventing the Predator from
being able to finish them off. Fortunately, they find the pyarmid's
Pay-Per-View. "He's marking himself." "What?" "Ancient warriors would mark themselves
with the blood of their kill." "It's a rite of passage." And that along with the writings on the
walls let them piece together the history
of the pyramid. "The heat bloom was the sign to
lure us down here." "This whole thing was a trap." Now wait a minute, this movie said earlier
that the heat bloom was a power supply
revving up. Now they're saying it was a lure? That doesn't even make sense! Did they have thermal satellite imaging
in 1904? Care to explain that? Why give two elaborate explanations
to the same phenomenon? Well, Lex figures out that they should
give the Predator it's gun. "To restore order, the guards need their
guns." Ya think? The pyramid shifts again, and they move on. They run into Xenos and try to escape, Sebastian goes bye-bye and now it's Lex all by her lonesome. The Predator finds her, and she gives
it the plasma caster shortly before a Xenomorph shows up. She ends up killing it, when the Predator
drops it's Combi stick. The Predator doesn't care much for Lex
ninjalooting his weapon and KSing him. But fortunately for her, more aliens show
up for him to take out his frustrations on. The Predator begins to leave, but Lex lets
him know she has no intention of leaving
his side.
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00:26:47,73 --> 00:26:47,707
He then... What the hell? Okay the Predator goes all boy scout and makes
her a shield, and spear. And they run off together... Did I just see that? The Xenomorphs aren't happy with the class
balance issues, now that the Predator has
a plasma caster so they finally decide an hour and a half
into the movie, to release the queen. Lex and the Predator find
Sebastian, cocooned. "Help me, Lex." "I'm gonna get you outta there." "It's too late." "It's inside me." "I'm gonna get you outta here!" "You can't.." "No!" "No!" She struggles, but lands a bullet
into her friend to end his suffering. The Predator appreciably checs
out her ass, and then has a thumb war with
the chestburster. At least that's how I interpreted the scene. Noticing the problems the plot has had
up to this point, the Predator asks Lex what kind
of movie this is. "It's a bomb." I mean, he saw how many eggs had hatched
and explained how they were going to
destroy them all. "Well I hope it kills every
FUCKIN one of em!" And there you have it, the PG-13 obligitary one time use of
the word "fuck." They escape the pyramid in record time, but were pursued by several Xenomorphs. You are one ugly mother.... Damn it, you wasted your "fuck" line. Now we're stuck with "ugly mother"
instead of "ugly motherfucker." Well, hopping on the sled Lex and the
Predator escape while running away
from a huge explosion. Well, they got that right at least. Running from the collapsing ice,
they barely make it. The Predator reveals his face to lex,
and tells her "RRRRRrrAAaaaAAagggh!" Uhh.. did the writers know that the
Predators can mimic, and sometimes
learn human languages? Having held on to a Xeno claw, the
Predator brands Lex as a member of
their clan. This better not be heading in the
direction I think it's going... Oh, thank God! Also, I love the Predator's look here. It just says "OH SHIT!" The queen attacks the two of them,
and the big climactic battle is on. The queen is intimidating and all, but
the battle isn't really as tense or
honestly as big as the alien and
Predator fight in the middle of the film. It does it's job, but maybe it's because
we already kind of know Lex is going
to win it's not as exhilarating. Well, the Predator is impailed but Lex sends the alien queen to the
bottom of the sea. Are... are you sure that's going to
kill it? It was kept in the icebox at the start
of the film. And those chains could break, y'know. Anyone going to make sure she's dead? No? Oh well. Lex mourns her fallen friend, and the
whole rest of the Predators uncloak and
take him onto their ship. The elder presents Lex with a custom
Combi stick, and leaves. Leaving Lex all alone on Antarctica, with nobody around to help her,
no ship, no helicopter. Yeah, she's as good as dead. Finally, we cut back to the Romulan
vessel, where we see our friend laid out. Oh, the ominous ending of a Predalien
chestburster. The credits roll, and we are left to
digest what we saw. So, what did I see? I don't fucking know! The premise of joining the Alien and
Predator movies for one amazing film
had such promise, but the execution here is all over
the place. The sets and effects are great, and some
of the battles are too good for words but the science of the science f iction
is so phoned in it's laughable. Not to mention blatent inconsistinces with
the source material Like, say the fact that Predator 1 and 2
took place in areas of extreme heat, with the explanation in those films that
the Predator only shows up when it's
ridiculously hot and here we've got the whole thing
set in Antarctica? The funny thing is... I remember when I first watched this
movie, I hated it with a passion. But now, I don't know. It's kind of
grown on me. The horror elements are predictable,
and not really well done. For horror, I'd give this movie 2
facehuggers out of 5. "Oh shit." And while there is one of the best
action scenes I know in this movie, most of the rest of it's pretty standard,
and a little stale. I'll give it 3 trophies out of 5 overall, But if you love good action, do yourself
a favor and at least seek out the Alien
and Predator battle sequence. trust me, you won't be dissapointed. But maybe I don't hate this movie so
much anymore, because... I have seen something far, far worse. Be sure to check out next week, when I'll be reviewing Alien VS Predator:
Requiem. Prepare yourself. http://blip.tv/decker-shado
