The possibility of life beyond planet Earth
has captivated the human imagination. What sort of creatures exist beyond our fragile
Earth? What lurks in the void, what beasts stalk
the shores of alien worlds that have vastly different environmental conditions to our
own planet? The possibilities are vast with the potential
to be strange and wondrous. There are so many factors to consider. Atmospheric pressure, temperature, biospheres,
rainfall. Yet we can make one assumption about alien
life. That the aliens will look just like us, but
with forehead ridges or something. Imagining alien lifeforms should require no
thought. However, if a writer must take the time to
detail their alien species, then it helps to rely on only the most time tested tropes
rather than engage with our creativity or consider scientific principles. So let us venture forth into the stars in
search of alien life and design an alien ecosystem for our story. Now when designing an alien ecology, the most
important thing to remember is how environment shapes adaptation and life can also shape
the environment. These environmental conditions; oxygen content,
temperature, rainfall, ect. will effect biodiversity. Therefore the easiest way to keep our workload
low is to make environmental conditions the same across the entire planet. Now that we have simplified our planet into
a single biome, we can completely ignore environmental conditions anyway. It is totally okay to put a giant fur-less
creature in arctic conditions. Surely having a large body with no fur or
blubber will acclimate it a winter environment and it wouldn’t just freeze to death within
minutes. Speaking of large apex predators, this is
what most ecologies should consist of in their entirety. The bigger the better. Who cares about the square cube law or sustainable
predator prey population ratios. Huge predators need large amounts of energy,
so when choosing between attacking a slow, but large and injured herbivore, or the comparatively
small and less nutritious protagonist, the apex predator will obviously drop everything
it is doing and chase down our interstellar explorers instead! It will likely hunt our main characters for
a good portion of the plot, expending far more energy then it would gain from eating
a human. It will not give up the hunt even if our explorers
manage to injure it and drive it away temporarily. Never should an apex predator know when to
cut its losses and look for easier prey. Just threat them like a video game monster. While predators are all universally large,
hyper-aggressive, and savage, all herbivores should be portrayed as passive, harmless,
and kind just like all real life herbivores who never aggressively defend their territory. All animal behavior should be either completely
passive, or unreasonably hostile regardless of the loss of potential story conflict. Figuring out the habits and behavior patterns
of alien life sounds too much like real biology and I slept through that class. There is no in-between in regards to behavior
just like there are no scavengers or omnivores. There are parasites of course and we all know
that all alien parasites are capable of jumping hosts to humans in spite of human physiology
being literally alien to them. These parasites will erupt violently from
their human hosts, providing the special effects department something to do and will always
kill their host. These parasites will, of course, grow to full
maturity within a very short amount of time even if there is no biomass to eat to justify
such quick growth, even accounting for a very high metabolism. Unlike in real life where parasitoids (para
sit oids) are actually far far worse and more horrific with some going so far as to modify
their host’s behavior, even having the dying host defend the very larva that had been feasting
on their insides. Isn’t mother nature grand? Also, all alien parasites have at least a
50% chance of being part of a hive mind as well. Now hive-minds can be very interesting, but
won’t be because nearly every video game, book, or movie portrays them all the same. Hive minds all have a queen and can be easily
defeated by killing said queen. But let’s think about this for a moment. A hive mind could be a truly fascinating concept
that has yet to have its true potential explored. A true hive mind organism could be analogous
to a human body, with individual creatures being equivalent to its cells. Each of these creatures are part of a greater
whole, all working together to keep the entire species alive. Such an organism might be closer to a nation
state or entire civilization. Image a creature with the knowledge, wisdom,
and perception on the scale of a civilization. What a novel concept that can be much better
by simply reducing hive minds down to being space communists. That won’t seem dated. Now when visiting an alien world teeming with
life, there should be no need use protective suits. Just have everyone take their helmets off,
that way we can see their faces and connect with their characters. Otherwise, how else will our hapless crew
get infected by the local parasites. When our explores are not having their rib-cages
implode from alien parasites or getting chased by the same super persistent apex predator,
then they can also spend their time interacting with intelligent alien life. Don’t be intimidated. Creating an alien culture is as easy as simply
ripping off a human culture. Just take any human society and move them
IN SPACE. And you are done! No need to consider that alien society would
be shaped by both the environment and their ecology. Also disregard that intelligent alien life
might be so different from humans that their concept of culture, technology, and even civilization
could be completely different from our own. Thankfully, the author need not take any of
this into consideration. Developing a believable ecological system
for a predominately featured alien world and considering how it impacts said world would
only anchor the reader into the story’s setting and distract them from how awesome
our manly starship captain is. Why focus on exploring an alien world and
understanding the nature of life when we can instead focus on our starship captain’s
romantic conquests? Well unless the aliens are ugly. In that case we should nuke them from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
One of my favorite sources of literary humor and the root of many of my creative fears!