>> JAMES: WELCOME BACK. OUR GUEST IS A BESTSELLING
AUTHOR, PHILOSOPHER, AND THE FOUNDER AND CHAIRMAN OF 'THE
SCHOOL OF LIFE.' HE'S SOMEONE WHO, WHENEVER I
LISTEN TO HIM, HE MAKES ME THINK ABOUT THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY AND
HE'S HERE FROM HIS HOME IN THE U.K. HE IS THE BRILLIANT ALAIN
DE BOTTON. >> .I HAD SURGERY ON MY LIE LAST
WEEK WHERE I HAD TO LIE WITH FLANNEL ON MY EYE LAST WEEK AND
I THINK I'VE LISTENED TO EVERY RECORDED PIECE OF PODCASTRY
YOU'VE DONE OVER THE LAST SIX OR SEVEN YEARS. YOUR VOICE HAS BEEN RATTLING
AROUND MY HEAD. >> I'M AMAZED YOU MADE A
RECOVERY. >> I FOUND IT DEEPLY --
T SENT YOU BACK TO REAL ILL HEALTH, BUT THANK YOU, THAT'S
GREAT. >> James: I FOUND IT DEEPLY
CALMING. WHAT I FOUND INCREDIBLE WHEN WE
TALKED BEFORE THAT THE NEWS IS SO SCARY A LOT OF THE TIME,
EVERYTHING WE'RE HEARING IS SCARY, BUT YOU ACTUALLY HAVE
QUITE AN OPTIMISTIC TAKE ON WHAT WE'RE GOING THROUGH. CAN YOU EXPLAIN THAT OPTIMISM
AND WHY IT'S THERE? >> LOOK, YOU KNOW, IN A WAY,
IT'S A SILVER LINING RATHER THAN OPTIMISM. I THINK ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS
ABOUT THIS TIME IS WE ARE REDISCOVERING ONE ANOTHER. MOST OF TIME WE ARE SO BUSY, BUT
ALSO WE HAVE SUCH A FRONT. ALL OF US PRETENDING TO BE THIS
AND THAT, AND AT THIS TIME, I'M LOVING THE NEW VULNERABILITY. I'VE HAD SO MANY CONVERSATIONS
WITH PEOPLE WHO WERE JUST ABLE BE HUMAN IN A WAY THAT VERY
OFTEN THEY'RE NOT THE REST OF THE TIME. IT'S SUCH A GIFT. YOU KNOW, WHEN A FRIEND CALLS
YOU UP AND THEY SAY HOW ARE YOU DOING, IF YOU'RE ABLE TO JUST
TAKE THEM INTO THE REALITY OF YOUR LIFE, THAT IS SUCH A
PRESENT THAT YOU'RE GIVING THEM BECAUSE SO MANY OF US THINK I'M
UNUSUAL, I'M SO STRANGE, OTHER PEOPLE ARE ALL HAVING A GREAT
LIFE, THEY'RE HAVING A GREAT TIME. THIS IS A TIME WHEN THERE'S NO
MORE FOMO, THERE'S NO FEAR OF MISSING OUT DURING THE PANDEMIC. THERE'S NO GREAT PARTY SOMEWHERE
ELSE. IT'S ALL OF US FRAGILE,
SUFFERING, VULNERABLE HUMANS TRYING TO HOLD IT TOGETHER WITH,
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES FRIGHTENING MOMENTS, AND IN A WAY, YOU KNOW,
THE KIND OF PRETENSES OF THE NORMAL WORLD THAT WE'VE PUT UP
AND SUFFER FROM HAVE KIND OF GONE. ALSO A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY TO ME
THINGS LIKE I'M FEELING ANXIOUS, IS IT GOING TO BE OKAY? AND I ALWAYS SAY, IF YOU REALLY
WANT TO CALM SOMETHING DOWN, DON'T ALWAYS STRESS EVERYTHING
IS GOING TO BE GREAT AND TERRIFIC. LOOK AT SOME OF THE DARKNESS IN
THE FACE. YOU KNOW, THE STOIC PHILOSOPHERS
OF ANCIENT GREECE AND ROME WERE FANTASTIC BECAUSE RATHER THAN
SAYING THE BAD STUFF WON'T HAPPEN, THEY CHOSE A DIFFERENT
VIEW -- LOOK AT THE BAD STUFF AND SEE THAT IT CAN ACTUALLY BE
SURVIVED. WE ARE ALL OF US MUCH STRONGER
THAN WE THINK. WE ALWAYS THINK, IMAGINE IF I
COULDN'T GO OUT, IMAGINE IF THIS HAPPENED OR THAT HAPPENED. WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CRISIS
AND BROADLY SPEAKING, TOUCH WOOD, MOST OF US ARE STILL
COPING. AND EVEN IF WE'RE NOT COPING,
NOT COPING'S OKAY. SO IT WILL MAKE US STRONGER BY
REVEALING WE DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. THESE ARE NOT PERFECT DAYS BUT
STILL WE'RE OKAY. >> James: I THINK THAT'S A
GOOD THING THE NOTION OF EVERYTHING DOESN'T HAVE TO BE
OKAY AND IT'S OKAY TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT BECAUSE YOU
SAID SOMETHING A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO ON SOMETHING I HEARD YOU DO
BUT YOU SAID THAT THE BRAVE FACE COULD BE THE BIGGEST VILLAIN OF
THIS, THE NOTION OF PUTTING ON A BRAVE FACE. TELL ME ABOUT THAT. >> YOU KNOW, THE BRAVE FACE HAS
ALWAYS BEEN A PROBLEM. MEN HAVE HAD IT WORSE THAN WOMEN
IN THIS REGARD. IT'S ALL THIS IDEA THAT, IN
ORDER TO BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING, YOU HAVE TO BE AN
UNAFRAID HUMAN BEING. SO MOST OF US FEEL SO WEIRD
BECAUSE WE HAVE ACCESS TO OUR OWN THOUGHTS AND FEARS AND
FRAGILITIES. WE CAN ONLY GUESS WHAT'S GOING
ON FROM OUTSIDE OTHER PEOPLE'S MINDS FROM WHAT THEY TELL US AND
GENERALLY THEY EDIT THE INFORMATION HEAVILY. A LOT OF US THINK WE'RE WEIRD
BECAUSE WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY HEAD DOESN'T SEEM TO ECHO WHAT'S
GOING ON IN SOMEBODY ELSE'S HEAD. ALL OF US EXPERIENCE MANY OF THE
SAME THINGS. WE'RE FULL OF SELF-DOUBT,
REGRET, SHAME, BUT ALSO WE HAVE LONGINGS FOR LOVE. WE WANT TO BE GENEROUS TOWARDS
OTHER PEOPLE. JUST ACTUALLY LIFE IS STRANGER
THAN WE'RE ALLOWED TO ADMIT THAT IT IS, AND I THINK GREAT WORKS
OF ART, GREAT WORKS OF COMEDY, GREAT SONGS, THEY'RE ALWAYS ABLE
TO STRETCH OUR IDEA OF WHAT IS NORMAL, AND THAT'S WHY WE
APPRECIATE THEM. THINK OF THE BEST MOVIES. THEY'RE ABLE TO SHOW WHAT IT'S
LIKE TO BE A PARENT TO BE IN LOVE, TO GO ON A JOURNEY AND
THEY GIVE US A REAL PICTURE. SO OFTEN WE LIVE INSIDE THESE
VERY EDIT IMAGES. I THINK LET'S USE THE CRISIS TO
BE MORE HONEST ABOUT WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE HUMAN. LIFE IS ALWAYS AN EMERGENCY. YOU DON'T NEED A PLAGUE TO BE
REMINDED. IT CAN BE USEFUL JUST TO BE
REMINDED THAT, YOU KNOW, WE'RE ALL SUFFERING, WE'RE ALL AFRAID,
WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT. KEEPLE THOSE THINGS RIGHT AT THE
CENTER OF OUR COMPASS HELPS US TO MAYBE FOCUS ON THE
ESSENTIALS. IT'S SO EASY TO GET DISTRACTED
TANNED TO IMAGINE THAT OTHERS' LIVES ARE SHINY AND PERFECT,
THEY'RE NOT. SO THIS IS ALL A GENTLE REMINDER
FROM THE PLAGUE. >> James: BUT ONE PEOPLE ARE
WORRIED ABOUT, YOU KNOW, MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WORRIED ABOUT
THEIR JOBS, WORRIED ABOUT WORK, WORRIED ABOUT FINANCES. WHAT DO YOU SAY TO PEOPLE WHEN
THEY FEEL POWERLESS IN THOSE FEELINGS? >> LOOK, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, A LOT
OF THE TIME, IN MODERN SOCIETY, WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE TOTALLY IN
CHARGE OF OUR DESTINIES, AND THE NUMBER ONE QUESTION THAT PEOPLE
WILL ASK YOU WHEN THEY MEET YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME IS WHAT DO
YOU DO, AND YOU BETTER HAVE AN IMPRESSIVE ANSWER TO WHAT YOU
DO. YOU ARE YOUR JOB AND YOUR
PERFORMANCE IN THE MARKETPLACE, WHICH MAKES IT SO GUILT BECAUSE,
ON TOP OF OUR FINANCIAL WORRIES, WE'VE GOT OUR STATUS WORRIES, WE
FEEL PEOPLE WON'T LIKE US UNLESS WE'RE DOING TERRIFICALLY. IN A WAY, AGAIN, THE SILVER
LINING OF THIS TIME IS, IF THINGS ARE NOT GOING
TERRIFICALLY FOR YOU AND THE ECONOMY IS WOBBLING IN LOTS OF
POTS, IT'S GENERALLY NOT YOUR FAULT. WE ARE NOT ALWAYS RESPONSIBLE
FOR WHATEVER HAPPENS TO US. YOU KNOW, YOUR BIOGRAPHY IS NOT
WHO YOU ARE. YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES WE CAN BE
TERRIBLY SNOBBISH. WHAT I MEAN BY SNOBBISH IS WE
TAKE A SMALL PART OF WHAT PEOPLE, ARE WHAT'S ON THEIR
BUSINESS CARD, HOW THEY HAVE BEEN DOING THIS MONTH, AND THAT
BECOMES THE WHOLE OF WHO THEY ARE. IT NEVER IS. WE'RE ALL FAR RICHER THAN MERELY
OUR JOBS. AND I THINK THIS CRISIS IS
FORCING US FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE TO SEE EACH OTHER IN A FAR
LARGER KIND OF CONTEXT. WE ARE MUCH MORE THAN THE
ECONOMY TELLS US WE ARE, AND WHEN THE ECONOMIES GO MAD, WE
DESERVE TO REDISCOVER ONE ANOTHER AS HUMAN BEINGS. >> James: CAN I ASK YOU --
UST WANT TO SAY ONE THING. WE'VE GOT A LOT OF PARENTS,
RIGHT. A LOT OF PARENTS ARE GOING I'M
NOT TEACHING MY CHILD -- >> James: THAT'S WHAT I WAS
ABOUT TO ASK YOU ABOUT PARENTING AND WHAT DO I SAY TO MY CHILDREN
WHEN THEY'RE GOING THROUGH THESE THINGS. >> WELL, THIS IS IT, SO MUCH
WORRY IT COMES DOWN TO BECAUSE WE'VE GOT THIS BACKGROUND IDEA
THAT THE ONLY GOOD PARENT IS THE PERFECT PARENT. HERE'S THE TRUTH, IF YOU ARE
TRYING TO BE A PERFECT PARENT, YOU ARE PUTTING YOUR CHILD ON A
ONE-WAY ROAD TO PSYCHOSIS. NO CHILD NEEDS A PERFECT PARENT. AND YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THE WORLD IS IMPERFECT
AND, ULTIMATELY, THE JOB OF BEING A PARENT IS TO PREPARE
YOUR CHILD FOR WHAT THE WORLD IS ACTUALLY LIKE. SO IF YOU PREPARE YOUR CHILD FOR
AN IDEA THAT THE WORLD IS PERFECT AND YOU AS THE PARENTAL
REPRESENTATIVE IS THIS SOME SUPERHUMAN BEING, YOU'RE DOING
THEM A DISSERVICE. THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE A TERRIFIC
CRASH WITH REALITY AND IT'S GOING TO BE GRIM. MUCH BETTER THEY MEET THE
DISAPPOINTMENT OF LIFE THROUGH YOU AN ORDINARY, FLAWED BUT
LOVING AND GENTLE SOUL AS THE AVERAGE PARENT IS, AND THAT IS
HOW YOU'RE PREPARING YOUR KID FOR REALITY. SO DITCH THE MANDARIN, THE
PERFECTION, THE S SOURDOUGH AND JUST REVEAL YOURSELF TO YOUR OWN
CHILD AS A LOVING, HARD WORKING BUT ULTIMATELY HUMAN BEING, AND
THAT IS THE MUCH GREATER GIFT THAN TRYING TO BE PERFECT MOM OR
DAD. AS I SAY, NO ONE NEEDS A PERFECT
MOM OR DAD. THEY ONLY NEED A GOOD ENOUGH MOM
OR DAD, THAT'S ALL WE EVER NEED. >> James: I'M INTERESTED TO
KNOW SO MANY PEOPLE LOOK TO YOU FOR GUIDANCE IN THEIR LIVES. WHO DO YOU LOOK TO FOR YOUR
GUIDANCE WHEN YOU'RE SORT OF STRUGGLING? HOW DO YOU CULTIVATE THESE VERY
THOUGHTS THAT YOU'RE SHARING WITH US NOW? >> LOOK, I THINK THAT ALL OF US
HAVE GOT A LITTLE VOICE OF COMMON SENSE INSIDE US, BUT WE
DON'T LET IT EMERGE. BUT I THINK ALL OF US, YOU KNOW,
KNOW HOW TO BE A GREAT FRIEND FOR OTHER PEOPLE, BUT VERY OFTEN
WE DON'T SPEAK AS FRIENDS TO OURSELVES. IF MOST OF US SAW HOW WE TREAT
OURSELVES, YOU KNOW, WE'RE CRUEL TO OURSELVES. WE'RE SO KIND WHEN A FRIEND
CALLS UP SAYING, HOW CAN YOU HELP ME, BUT WITH OURSELVES,
WE'RE QUITE MEAN. I THINK ONE OF THE GREAT LESSONS
OF LIFE IS BECOME A FRIEND TO YOURSELF. ONE OF THE THINGS TO GO IS IF I
WASN'T ME, HOW WOULD I ADVISE ME AND YOU WOULD HAVE A GOOD
ANSWER. USE IT FOR THE PERSON WHO REALLY
MATTERS TO YOU, WHICH IS YOU. IT'S SO IRONIC THAT WE DON'T
KNOW HOW TO APPLY THE GENEROSITY AND THE MINIMUM OF COMPASSION
THAT WE SHOW TO STRANGERS AND OURSELVES. MORE THAN ANY OTHER, BE A FRIEND
TO YOURSELF, SHOW YOURSELF THE TOLERANCE YOU KNOW OTHERS
DESERVE, YOU DESERVE IT, TOO. >> James: SO MANY
CONVERSATIONS THAT PEOPLE ARE HAVING RIGHT NOW ARE ALL ABOUT
WHEN THIS WILL BE OVER, WHEN I WILL BE OVER, WHEN DO YOU THINK
WE'LL BE ABLE TO DO X, Y AND Z. WHAT DO YOU THINK WE CAN LEARN
FROM THIS, THE OTHER SIDE, AND I GUESS WHAT DO YOU HOPE WE HANG
ON TO WHEN WE DO AS WE INETTAABLY WILL GET THE OTHER
SIDE OF THIS VIRUS? >> YOU KNOW, IT'S INTERESTING. FOR ME, SO OFTEN IN LIFE, THERE
ARE GREAT IDEAS THAT PEOPLE DON'T PUT INTO MOTION. AND WHEN YOU SAY, WHY DON'T YOU
PUT THAT IDEA INTO MOTION, THEY GO, YOU KNOW, IT'S NEVER BEEN
DONE BEFORE, THIS IS JUST THE WAY WE ALWAYS DO IT, IT WOULD BE
TOO DIFFICULT TO CHANGE. WE HAVE TURNED THE WORLD M MORE
LESS UPSIDE DOWN IN FIVE WEEKS. TRADITIONS THAT WERE STEADY FOR
300 YEARS HAVE BEEN CHANGED IN AN AFTERNOON. SOME OF THESE THINGS HAVE BEEN
DIFFICULT FOR PEOPLE, BUT OTHERS HAVE BEEN GLORIOUS REVOLUTIONS,
AND I THINK THAT WHAT WE MOST NEED TO TAKE AWAY FROM THIS
CRISIS IS WE CAN CHANGE THINGS AND WE CAN CHANGE THINGS NOT
OVER TEN YEARS BUT OVER, LIKE, AN AFTERNOON. WE CAN RADICALLY CHANGE HOW WE
LIVE AND BE IMAGINATIVE AND COURAGEOUS, AND IT DOESN'T HAVE
TO BE PERFECT THE WAY WE REDESIGN THINGS, BUT WE CAN
PLAY, WE CAN EXPERIMENT, WE CAN TRY TO MAKE LIFE THE MORE
FULFILLING AND EXCITING AND GENUINELY JOYFUL THING THAT WE
KNOW IN OUR HEARTS WE ALL WANT. BUT SO OFTEN WE'RE HELD BACK BY
TRADITION. LET'S THROW THE BAD TRADITIONS
OUT OF THE WINDOW AND TRY AND BE AMBITIOUS ABOUT HOW WE WANT TO
LIVE. >> James: SOMETHING YOU SAID
THAT HAS STUCK WITH ME, YOU SAID REALLY WANTS IS TO BE SEEN AND
HEARD AND TREATED WITH KINDNESS. DO YOU THINK IN THIS TIME WE ARE
SEEING MORE GREATER ACTIONS OF PEOPLE SEEING EACH OTHER WHO
PERHAPS WE MAY HAVE WALKED PAST DAILY? >> TOTALLY. I MEAN, YOU KNOW, BEING FAMOUS. WHY DO MOST PEOPLE WANT TO BE
FAMOUS? IS IT BECAUSE THEY WANT THE
LARGE HOUSES? NO, IT'S MUCH MORE POIGNANT AND
UNIVERSALS. MOST PEOPLE JUST WANT PEOPLE TO
NOTICE AND BE KIND TO THEM. AT THE MOMENT, IT'S NOT
IMPOSSIBLE TO BE FAMOUS. FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE HAVING TO BE
ORDINARY PEOPLE, AND THAT PROVIDES EVERYONE WITH A KIND OF
OPENING BECAUSE WHAT WE'RE REALIZING IS IT WASN'T THE FAME
THAT PEOPLE WANT, IT'S THE RESPECT, THE REGARD, THE CHAT,
JUST ACKNOWLEDGING SOMEBODY ELSE'S HUMANITY. WE TALK SO MUCH ABOUT ROMANTIC
LOVE, WE'RE A ROMANTIC LOVE OBSESSED SOCIETY. BUT, AGAIN, WE DON'T NECESSARILY
NEED ROMANTIC LOVE. ALL WE NEED IS THE LOVE THAT
OCCURS IN A VERY SIMPLE AND NATURAL WAY WHEN TWO PEOPLE, TWO
STRANGERS MIGHT EXCHANGE A PLEASANT WORD IN A SUPERMARKET
OR MIGHT GIVE EACH OTHER A FRIENDLY GLANCE, ACKNOWLEDGE
EACH OTHER'S HUMANITY. THAT ULTIMATELY IS THE ONLY LOVE
WE NEED AND THE ONLY FAME WE NEED. SO LET'S DO AWAY WITH THAT
ENDLESS FOCUS ON ONE VERY, VERY SPECIAL PERSON YOU GET ON WITH
PERFECTLY AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE HUNKY-DORY. NO. LET'S TRY AND REDISCOVER
FRIENDSHIP. THIS IS AN AGE OF FRIENDSHIP
WHEN WE'RE REDISCOVERING THE LOVE WITHIN THE CONCEPT OF
FRIENDSHIP WHEN WE DOWNGRADE SO MUCH. THINK OF TWO PEOPLE ON A DATE
SAYING I HAVE BEEN FRIEND ZONED, THIS PERSON ONLY WANTED TO BE
FRIENDS. FRIENDS ARE A GLORIOUS THING. WE CAN'T GO OUT AND HEAD OFF TO
A ROMANTIC WEEKEND, WE'RE ALL SEPARATED, BUT WE'RE
REDISCOVERING WORDS AND CONNECTION AND THAT'S THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL OF ALL THINGS. >> James: I'M SO GRATEFUL TO
YOU, COMING TO TALK TO US TONIGHT. I URGE EVERYBODY AT HOME TO GO
AND SEARCH OUT ANY OF ALAIN'S WORK OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS. IT IS ALL GOING TO BE OF GREAT
HELP TO YOU THROUGH ALL THIS. FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT
ALAIN'S BOOKS AND "THE SCHOOL OF LIFE," YOU CAN GO TO
THESCHOOLOFLIFE.com.
