Vanessa:
Hi, I'm Vanessa from SpeakEnglishWithVanessa.com, and today I'm here with my husband Dan.
Dan: Hello.
Vanessa: And are you ready to be immersed in a real
English conversation? Today we're going to be talking about the topic of parenting. You asked
us some great questions related to being parents, and we're here to answer them. The only twist
is that Dan does not know what they are yet. Dan:
I don't know the questions, but we are parenting experts now.
Vanessa: I don't know about that. So we are
going to be just answering them on the fly and giving you some opportunity to
be immersed in a real English conversation. And like always, I have created a free PDF
worksheet, which is right here over Dan's face. And with this free PDF worksheet, you can download
it and get all of today's important vocabulary, phrases, pronunciation. Anything that happens
in this lesson, you can download it in that free PDF worksheet. There's a link in the
description so that you can download it today and never forget what you've learned.
Okay. Are you ready to start with the first question?
Dan: I'm ready.
Vanessa: All right. Here it goes.
Dan: What could it be?
Vanessa: The questions are from Alex from Brazil, Claudio
also from Brazil, and Vera from Taiwan. They all asked questions about parenting, and the
first one is: What has it been like having three kids so far? Maybe we should give a little
background of our children's ages and all of that. Dan:
How many children do we have? We do have three, indeed.
Vanessa: Yes. So we have Theo, who is six now. We have
Freddie, who is three. And we have a new baby, Matilda, who is two months old when you're
watching this. Yeah, what's it been like having three kids so far?
Dan: I feel like what we've experienced so far is
not probably representative of what will happen. Vanessa:
Oh yeah. Dan:
Yes, because Matilda, she is just a little baby and she is
actually a very, very, very good sleeper. Vanessa:
Oh, so easy. Dan:
So that's really made it very helpful for us which is she takes her nap and then she wakes
up and she's not that upset, and then she takes another nap and then she sleeps all night.
Vanessa: That's unbelievable.
Dan: Possibly unheard of for a baby. So, so far it's
been pretty easy with Matilda. But the other two, as they get older, I think they kind of,
in their own way, get a little harder. Vanessa:
Yeah, they say bigger kids, bigger problems generally is how it goes.
Dan: Yeah.
Vanessa: And I'm sure it will all change as they get older
and all go through different stages. But really, I think the most difficult, oftentimes parents
ask, "What's the most difficult stage?" I think the most difficult was going from zero kids to
one kid because it's such a huge life change. We were going to the brewery and trivia night
late at night and going with our friends. Dan:
We had a nightlife. Vanessa:
Going on long hikes and doing things spontaneously.
Dan: We were camping.
Vanessa: Going camping and ...
Dan: Backpacking in fact.
Vanessa: Yeah. And then when you have a baby, all
of a sudden your life changes dramatically. Dan:
Now backpacking is carrying the baby down the stairs.
Vanessa: You're always backpacking. So I feel like
that was the biggest change and probably the most difficult change. I know a lot
of people say going from one kid to two kids is the most difficult because all of a
sudden you're juggling two different humans. But for us, at least for me, I would say
going from zero to one was the most difficult. One to two, it was trickier.
Dan: I think it gets progressively harder.
Vanessa: Yeah?
Dan: Yeah. But I'm not a woman, so again no.
Vanessa: Well, everyone's got their own opinion about this.
I think going from two to three so far hasn't been a huge change.
Dan: Yeah. Not too bad.
Vanessa: Maybe it's just because she's pretty chill. And
I think that this summer has been really special because you've been home. I've had another
parent at home at all times to help with all the children. So instead of being parenting
alone, being a parent alone with three kids, right now we've got two parents at home at
all times. But when you're watching this, that is changing because school is starting
back. Dan's going back to work at the school where he works. Theo will also be going to
school. Freddie will be going to preschool, so it'll be a little bit trickier. So maybe
we'll keep you updated. That's the final answer.
Dan: Yeah, I think it's a lot trickier for
moms, especially when they're at home. Now that I've been home for the summer, it's
actually been harder for me, I think overall, because you're always holding or
caring for somebody all the time. Vanessa:
There's no break. Dan:
And that's especially true with the baby. So it's just cycling
through the kids. Who am I tending to now? Vanessa:
Yeah. Sometimes we say if it's not one, it's the other. Somebody is always having a problem at all
times. Hopefully it's not all three at the same time. I think that only happened one time so far.
Dan: Wait, when?
Vanessa: Everyone was crying.
Dan: Oh yeah.
Vanessa: And we were almost there.
We were almost crying too. Dan:
I don't know. At that point, you just kind of look at each other and you
kind of laugh like, because you're like, "What am I going to do now? I
don't know. They're all crying." Vanessa:
Well, here we go, diving in- Dan:
Let's let them cry. Vanessa:
And I saw a picture once. It's a Facebook page. It's also an Instagram page called Humans
of New York. Maybe you've seen it before. If not, I highly recommend it because it's a great way
to get little snippets of language and culture. Anyway, there's a guy who goes around New York
taking pictures of strangers, and he asked them a bit about their lives and they usually share
something pretty interesting, I think. But there was one couple he took a picture of and they had a
young child with them and he said something like, or they said something about the process of
deciding whether or not they should have children. And they're like, "I don't know. We like our
lives now. Should we have kids?" And I think the husband, he said, "Well, having kids is the full
human experience. Humans have been having children and being around children for eternity." And so-
Dan: He's right.
Vanessa: She said that when their child is screaming in
the bath or having a crazy time, they just look at each other and say, "Full human experience."
And really, that's kind of all you can do. Yeah, I get frustrated sometimes. I get angry sometimes.
But in the end, you kind of just got to take a step back and go, "All right."
Dan: You just keep telling yourself, "I
hope it'll be worth it someday." Vanessa:
We are experiencing the full human experience. Dan:
It's not really that bad though. Vanessa:
No. Dan:
In general it's been very nice and very rewarding, that's the word.
Vanessa: Yeah. I think that's the thing
about parenting is that on paper there's a lot of negatives. You got to
change your life. It's expensive. There's a lot of work.
Dan: You got to change diapers.
Vanessa: You got to change diapers. There's a
lot of negatives on paper involved, but I think anyone who has been a parent, or if
you've been an aunt and you've helped to take care of your sister's child or a grandmother and
taking care of other children, it's intangible the reward, which that's a great vocabulary word.
Just as a little reminder. We will be talking about some key vocabulary from this conversation
in a couple of weeks on my YouTube channel, so don't miss that video. Make sure you subscribe
to the Speak English With Vanessa YouTube channel so that you can get the vocabulary lesson
coming in a few weeks about this lesson. All right, let's go to our next question. Our
next question also has to do with parenting and it's talking about competition. How do
you handle competition between siblings? First of all, let's talk about what
is competition between siblings. Dan:
And these are big questions. I don't know if I'm ready for the surprise.
Vanessa: Alex, Vera and Claudio were not
holding back with their questions. Dan:
Yeah. Vanessa:
Yeah, let's talk about what is competition first.
Dan: Yeah, competition is where two people
can't win. Only one person can win. Vanessa:
Yeah. Dan:
And so- Vanessa:
Fighting, arguing- Dan:
... they're kind of competing for the one prize, basically.
Vanessa: Which usually I think that prize in a
family is your parents' attention. So there's only two of us, and sometimes there's
only one of us at home. So that competition is often, they're not thinking, "I want to be the
one to get Mom's attention the most." They're not really consciously thinking that, but that's just
by nature how it is, that the limited resource is our attention. So siblings, that's brothers
and sisters, the competition between siblings, do we do anything about that?
Dan: Yes, especially in the sense of our attention.
I think we try to give each kid attention, especially one-on-one attention. Although I've
noticed that with Freddie, our second one, he definitely cries out for attention a lot
more. He does more things to make you say, "What are you doing?"
Vanessa: Little naughty things sometimes.
Dan: A lot more naughty things and a lot more like,
"Hey, look at me, look at me, daddy," and stuff like that. So he is a lot more direct about
it, I think. And it's probably because he's the second child.
Vanessa: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're the second child.
You're the middle child. You're like Freddie. Dan:
Apparently I was the quiet one though. Vanessa:
Yeah? Dan:
Yeah, like easygoing.
Vanessa: Did you ever-
Dan: I was sneaky though.
Vanessa: I think that's a cry for attention too. Like
doing little things to try to get away with it and just ... I don't know. Did you ever feel
like you lacked attention from your parents? Dan:
Is this about my childhood now? Vanessa:
Yes. We're turning it on you. Dan:
Yeah, maybe a little bit, because it was the I was the
easy child and my brother was a little bit more of the squeaky wheel is the expression we use. The
squeaky wheel gets the oil. Is that the saying? Vanessa:
Yep. Yep. Dan:
So yeah, he was a little more of a challenging kid than I was.
Vanessa: So your parents' attention was on him?
Dan: At least from my parents' perspective. Yeah.
Vanessa: Yeah. I mean, that's what I've heard, that
they put a lot of attention on him because he was either more difficult or they perceived
him as more difficult. And so it's not that you got ignored. It's just that maybe they felt
like you didn't need that type of attention. Dan:
Well, they just thought that I was like, "He's good.
Look at him. He's happy. He's doing his thing. Yeah."
Vanessa: Yeah.
Dan: And inside, I mean ... Well, yeah. I maybe had
some problems down the road because of it, maybe. Vanessa:
Yeah, I think everyone wants as much of their parents'
attention as possible, and I'm sure you did too. Dan:
Yeah. But I think Freddie is much more direct than I was. He's pretty ...
Vanessa: But I think that's good. I want
to know what he's thinking. Dan:
He's very headstrong. He's more your sister than me. Her sister is the second child too.
Vanessa: Yeah. One that will tell you, "I want this and I
want it now, and I'm not going to stop until I get it," that kind of attitude.
Dan: Yeah. That's exactly what I want.
Vanessa: Yes.
Dan: Yeah.
Vanessa: Yeah. But I think, that was one of my thoughts
when we were deciding whether or not we wanted to have a third kid was will I be able to give
enough attention to Freddie because it's kind of a stereotype that the middle child gets glossed
over or like forgotten. And I love Freddie. I don't want him to be glossed over, but kind
of by default, we spent years with only Theo. Dan:
He won't let you not get attention. Vanessa:
And then I have a baby, so I have to spend time with her. And so what
happens to the middle child kind of by default, they get a little bit less attention their
whole lives. So I wanted to make sure that that was something that I could handle, because
yeah, I love Freddie. I don't want him to get less attention. But I think he's ready to stand
up for himself. He's got a strong personality. Dan:
Yeah, he does. What about competition with each other? Because
that's how I would've initially taken this. Vanessa:
Like fighting with each other maybe? Dan:
Yeah, or like, I mean, I have noticed that Freddie will say, "I can do this the best."
Vanessa: Yeah.
Dan: And Theo will be like, "No, I can do it better."
So they kind of have these little arguments. Vanessa:
I think we try not to compare them with each other in front of them. Sometimes when we're talking
with just each other, when the kids are asleep, we might say, "Is this okay? Theo didn't do this
and Freddie's doing this." We might talk amongst ourselves about that, but I think it's really
important to not say, "Theo does this. Freddie, you should do it too." Or, "Freddie, Theo
doesn't do that. Look at him." That kind of comparison. It's better to keep it, I think more
general like don't hit instead of saying, "Theo doesn't hit. You shouldn't hit too." Just don't
hit, keeping it as a rule versus a comparison. Also, I would highly recommend if you have
multiple children or if you are a grandparent that has multiple grandkids, there's a book called ...
Dan: Siblings?
Vanessa: Yes.
Dan: Rivalry?
Vanessa: There's a book. Siblings Without
Rivalry is like the older- Dan:
Oh, that's a different one- Vanessa:
... older version. It's Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings. It took me a
moment to think of that. Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings. I'll put a picture of it right here on
Dan's face. This book gives amazing tips about how to help there be less competition between siblings
and just have your kids get along. Because I think when I see you with your siblings as adults, you
guys get along really well. It's so nice that at Christmas when everyone-
Dan: Overall-
Vanessa: ... gets together. Yeah, some
people dread going to ... Dan:
Well, that's true. Vanessa:
Like family gatherings because they just fight with their siblings or they just have
a terrible relationship. And I feel like you guys get along, you play games, you enjoy chatting.
Dan: Me and my brother can be a bit,
but that's I think, I don't know, I think that's brother stuff.
Vanessa: Yeah. I think compared to what it could be, from
my opinion as an outsider, I think that you guys have what I would want my kids to have.
Dan: We've mellowed out with age too. There was
definitely phases in me and my brother's life where it was pretty contentious.
Vanessa: Yeah. What'd you guys do?
Dan: We fought a lot in high school.
Vanessa: Yeah? Did you ever-
Dan: Middle school, high school-
Vanessa: ... physically hit each other?
Dan: Yes.
Vanessa: I think that's probably normal.
Dan: Yeah. I mean, Theo and Freddie do sometimes
too, but not too often. I think Theo is actually pretty good at recognizing
that he's the older brother and not always being so serious about the competition.
And then Freddie will even recognize, "Well, someday when I'm bigger, I'll get better at
this." So they almost both have a little bit of recognition.
Vanessa: Yeah. But the other day when Theo wasn't at home,
he was at a friend's house and we were talking to Freddie. We were like, "Oh, what would it be like
if you were the oldest sibling, Freddie?" He got this look on his face like I would be bigger than
everyone, I would get to do everything better than everyone, like he ...
Dan: He loved this idea.
Vanessa: Yeah. I think that it's just, yeah,
like I said, by default, the second kid and third are going to have kind of a complex
almost that they're not the biggest. But that's normal. Humans have been dealing with this
forever. So it's not dooming them, but it's just going to be part of their personality.
Dan: I think a big picture with our kids, it seems like
maybe we're a little bit fortunate that they're not gung-ho, crazy competitive. I think some kids
can be a lot more, and they're not, especially- Vanessa:
At least at this point. I wonder if there's a developmental
stage that ... Well, there's lots of stages we haven't gotten to yet. Our oldest is only six,
that maybe they'll become more competitive. Dan:
Yeah. Or they're just not touchy about it in the same way. Freddie will say, "I'm the best
digger in the world and I'm doing it the best, and I'm number one," and Theo will be kind of like ...
Vanessa: "Okay."
Dan: "Okay."
Vanessa: He knows you're not really, you're
just saying that because you're three. Dan:
I'll show you later. Vanessa:
Yeah. Yeah. I thought that's good. That's good. And having a good foundation for their friendship.
I mean, that's the goal. We want our kids to be friends when they get older and now too.
All right, let's go to our next question. This one pivots a little bit from, yeah,
just talking about multiple children. This question is a little deeper.
Dan: Oh boy.
Vanessa: The challenge of raising or parenting children
at a time when technology ends up taking over a parent's role. Are tech devices dumbing down
our children and what do we currently do? Dan:
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Vanessa:
What do we currently do and what do we plan to do as they get older?
So I think the essence of this question is- Dan:
Wow, that's a great question. Vanessa:
How are screens and tech, I think by tech they mean screens, affecting children in general. And
then how are we approaching that in our family? Which that's a big question.
Dan: Yeah, I think that's like ...
Vanessa: That's something I feel very passionate about. So
I think this was Alex's question. Thank you, Alex, for this great question.
Dan: Yeah. I mean, I think screens have the
potential to absolutely ruin people, families, children.
Vanessa: Adults too.
Dan: Adults.
Vanessa: Yeah.
Dan: Yeah.
Vanessa: But children are just, they don't know what
they're getting into. So adults at least have control over their lives.
Dan: Starting them young is not probably the best
idea. And I don't think people appreciate the addictive qualities of these things.
People design these to hook you in, so you'll use them for hours and hours.
And so, yeah, for us, I mean, our kids, they do watch stuff on TV, but it's just for a
little bit of time, and then they just have to go outside or play.
Vanessa: Yeah, so usually-
Dan: And then they don't have iPods,
no computers, no phones, nothing. Vanessa:
iPods? Dan:
iPads. Vanessa:
iPods back in the- Dan:
This is the future- Vanessa:
... 2000s. Hey, we used to have iPods back in the day.
Dan: Like iPods.
Vanessa: Yeah. I think that two decisions that we
decided to make as a family about tech so far so our kid, oldest-
Dan: And they're young, so it's a little easier.
Vanessa: Yeah, our oldest is only six. I mean,
some people would say it's harder because it acts as a free babysitter.
Dan: They don't have the friends yet
being like, "Get this thing." Vanessa:
Yeah. But what I mean is people will give their kid a tablet
and it makes the parent have an easier time. Dan:
Oh, well, that's true. The TV is really nice whenever you
need a break. That is the very true statement. Vanessa:
So the two things that we decided to do as a family with tech is one, we don't
own any tablets, but to not give our children a phone or a tablet, so something personal. And
instead when we watch something, we watch it on the TV so it's kind of a community experience.
Even if I'm not watching it, if I'm making lunch and they're watching it, it's not this type of
thing. Instead, they're watching together and it's a little bit more of a public experience.
And I'm sure this will change over time as they get older. But that was kind of one of our goals
because in our relationship, we lived for a long time without a TV in our house. And when we moved
to this house, we had to decide how to use it. And especially with children, that's tricky. So
we decided no personal device, just the TV. And the second one was have a set time, and also
kind of time of day when they watch something. So this has worked well for us. Our kids are small.
I'm sure if you have a 12-year-old, you're saying, "Oh, you have it so easy."
Dan: Well, this works a lot better if you start them
young. It's much easier to say, "Hey, this is what we do," than, "Hey, you watched all this TV, let's
take it away." That's not going to work so well. Vanessa:
Yeah, it's harder to go back. Dan:
Or, "Here's a tablet. Nevermind, you can't have a tablet." That's not going to work
so well, or it's not going to be fun for a while. Vanessa:
Yeah. So what we have done for our kids is there's a specific time
of day. Usually it's before lunch or after lunch, like around this time. And they before, maybe
like a couple months ago, Freddie started to care, but Freddie didn't really care about watching
something. He was too young, two years old. He didn't really care. But Theo would choose one
program, and this was something that we thought was okay. So I think the quality of what they're
watching is important. And obviously that's very subjective, what you consider quality. But we
had a couple shows that we thought were okay. And Theo could choose one show, like 30 minutes.
He could choose which one he wanted to watch. And when that show is finished, it's done. That's
it. So he watched something for 30 minutes. And now that Freddie is also a little bit older
and he's wanting to choose something himself, they each choose something. And so they watch
for one hour most days. I would say in the summer it's every day, during-
Dan: But not during the school year.
Vanessa: During the school year they don't watch anything
except on the weekends. But I feel like this specific time of day and a specific length, it's
not just five minute YouTube videos, and then it keeps going and keeps going, and then it's
hard to stop that flow. I think as adults, it's hard to stop that when you're watching something,
especially something short. There's no definitive end. But for our kids, that has worked so well.
There's times of course, when we turn it off and they're cranky or they're fussy, but overall,
this has worked so well. And the truth is, it is harder as parents because we
don't use the TV as a babysitter for four hours a day. They're not watching even
two hours a day. I think at least the science as of now, 2023, says that one hour of TV per
day for children over the age of two is fine. There's not negative consequences. Obviously, if
they're watching, I don't know, a horror movie, it's not a good idea, but something appropriate
for children, that's the guidelines. And for me, that kind of relieved me of some guilt because
I was like, "My kids aren't going to watch TV. They're not going to watch screens," blah, blah,
blah. And then I saw that, and I feel like I can trust that one hour, limited time over the age
of two, so under the age of two, no screens are good for kids, but this kind of idea that this is
okay can kind of relieve you if you're the kind of parent, I think especially moms suffer
from this, who would feel guilty about, yeah, making a decision about letting
your kid watch TV or whatever it might be, something that-
Dan: I think most parents let their kids watch TV.
Vanessa: Yes. But I think a lot of people feel guilty
about it. They probably do it, but might feel guilty. So I think this kind of relieved me
of some guilt. Anyway, that's what we do. What about the future, because part of this is ...
Dan: Well, yeah, the elephant in the room is phones.
Vanessa: What do we plan to do? Yeah, what do we plan to do
as they get older? And the plan might be different from the reality.
Dan: Well, yeah-
Vanessa: But do you have a plan?
Dan: I mean, we don't have a solid plan yet,
because we're not sure. I have seen these phones that are, they're kind of like
safe phones for kids and they can chat. But I guess even chatting can be dangerous.
Vanessa: Yeah. Like text their friends kind of thing.
Dan: Yeah, and it's got a lot of parental controls
on it. So that would be one option. But I probably wouldn't even give them any phone
until they're in their, I don't know, mid- Vanessa:
30s. Dan:
I was going to say mid-teens. Vanessa:
Yeah. I think ... Dan:
I don't know. I don't see any reason why they would need one.
Vanessa: Yeah. I think the trickiness
comes when their peers ... Dan:
Their peers are going to be pressuring them for sure-
Vanessa: Have phones, and then, yeah, they come home and
say, "Mom, you're the worst mom ever. I don't have a phone. I hate you," blah, blah, blah.
And that continues forever. That's tricky. Dan:
I don't think they'll necessarily say that. Vanessa:
Mark my words, sweetheart. Dan:
I was homeschooled and I never said that to my parents.
Vanessa: Well, did you have peers though? Were you at a
school where you had lots of peers? I think you were really removed from that.
Dan: Oh, well, later on, yeah.
Vanessa: And we were growing up in the '90s. It was very
different. My family didn't have a phone until ... Dan:
I got pretty angsty about video games. Vanessa:
There's always something to get angsty about. Dan:
Like, "Why can't you buy me a Nintendo 64, Mom?" Vanessa:
Yeah. I think teenagers are going to be tricky no matter what. That's just the way
it goes. I say this as someone who has no teens at the moment, but I feel like as parents, we have a
responsibility to deliver our children safely into adulthood. That's the goal of parenting.
Dan: Safely and not being a drain on society.
Vanessa: I think that's part of that.
Dan: By being a productive member.
Vanessa: Yeah. So part of technology is not just, "Oh, I
don't want you looking at a screen," but there are things about being addicted to technology or
chatting with a stranger online that are extremely dangerous. And yes, there will be, I'm sure, a lot
of tension about why can't I use these apps? Why can't I use this social media?
Dan: Video games.
Vanessa: Why can't I play video games all day? My friends
do this. I'm sure there will be a lot of tension with our kids about that. That's inevitable.
But I do think that it's a tricky decision to figure out what's the line.
But my goal is to make sure that our kids are safe, not just physically safe,
but mentally and emotionally safe. And there is more and more evidence showing that the more
screen time you have, the more apps you use that let you chat with strangers, this is so dangerous
and it's everywhere. So I really want to be aware constantly of what our kids are exposed to and
train them to realize that, yes, it's hard. Yes, you're not going to like me about this. Yes,
it's going to be ... you're going to be different probably from your peers due to not always ...
Dan: To some degree.
Vanessa: Looking at a phone and playing video games all
day. But that's still for the best. So it's going to be hard, I'm sure.
Dan: I've found so far too, having some parents
and kids with like-minds really helps. Vanessa:
Like-minded parents, yeah. Dan:
Yeah, like-minded parents and kids, because I don't know if it's going to continue. I think
it gets harder, but as of now, a lot of parents of younger kids are like, "We don't want them to
use this stuff all the time. We've seen what it's done to me, or my family," or, "My brother still
plays Pokemon until the wee hours of the morning." That's kind of weird. So stuff like that.
Vanessa: If your friends kids have friends
that are doing the same things- Dan:
I think the hope is that they have friends who are kind of doing similar things and
then they won't feel so left out. Hopefully other parents have enough fortitude to say.
Vanessa: Yeah. And personally I don't-
Dan: That they're going to put some boundaries on it.
Although I think there is some gray area. You can test the waters with some things, make it very
clear upfront and see how they handle it. But I think the internet in general is so unbound
the way that you can just two clicks away, pornography, stuff like that is
just rampant all over the place. Vanessa:
Dangerous for children. Dan:
And so I think that's a really difficult area to say, "Here.
You can just. Yeah, go ahead kid." Yeah, no way. Vanessa:
Yeah. That's kind of the idea of keeping our children's minds and
bodies safe. And the internet is quite unknown, but I do think, I do have hope that as especially
our generation grows up as parents, there's more information and more studies, and I think there is
kind of a movement away from unlimited technology for children and ...
Dan: Or just people in general.
Vanessa: Yeah, for people in general to say, "Yeah, I don't
really want to look at Facebook all day. Yeah, I don't really want to watch YouTube all day except
for Vanessa's videos." No, don't watch my videos all day, please. But this kind of idea that we're
becoming more aware of the addictive quality. So I have hope that in the future there will be
more people who want to just be careful about their kids' consumption of technology and screens
and whatnot. It's not all bad, but you definitely have to be very careful.
Dan: Bad is always hiding around the corner.
Vanessa: Yes, lurking.
All right, let's go to our final question. We do have a bonus question. Let's see if we have
time to get to it. But the fourth question is: How do you and Dan usually manage the housework
and the childcare? How do you decide which of you will take care of what? And the little extra
part of this question is the student asks: I'd like to know some common expressions to ask
someone like can you wash the dishes? I'll do the dishes for you. These types of expressions.
So little teaser. When I talk about the vocabulary from today's lesson in a few weeks, I'll give
you some expressions to talk about chores, about how to delegate chores. Like, "Oh, I'll
do the dishes for you tonight. I know you're really tired." Those types of expressions.
So coming soon to a YouTube video near you. Yeah, how do we decide who will take care of what?
Dan: Well, first of all, I have to preface that I think
we are pretty mid-tier in the chore category. Vanessa:
Oh, what's that mean? Dan:
We're not like the most cleanly people on earth. Vanessa:
Oh. Yeah, we're not. Dan:
Maybe a little more than average. Vanessa:
Fastidious, is that the word? Dan:
Yeah. For example, we have cleanup time with the kids at night where
we just pick up stuff and try to put it away. Vanessa:
I think that's pretty normal. Dan:
Yes. Vanessa:
Like tidy a little bit throughout the day and at the end of the day.
Dan: But what I was going to say is
it doesn't happen every day. Vanessa:
Oh, yeah. Dan:
Some days we don't do that. Vanessa:
Yeah, that's fine. Dan:
And then it just ends up probably you walking by, grabbing stuff again.
Vanessa: Yeah. That's one of the chores like tidying up.
But other chores are continual, like laundry and dishes and ...
Dan: Yeah, the big ones.
Vanessa: Oh, our car needs to be maintenanced. Or the kids'
tuition, school needs to be paid or whatever it is. These types of things that just keep your
life running. How do we decide who will take care of what?
Dan: Well, when you were pregnant, I basically
said, "I am going to do every single chore." Vanessa:
I had a big chore of growing a baby. Dan:
So I did the dishes and the laundry. Those are the big ones to me.
Vanessa: And tidying up and putting the
kids to bed, that's a big chore. Dan:
Well, I tied it up everything on the floor because you can't get stuff on the floor.
Vanessa: I know. My belly was so big, I couldn't-
Dan: But for a while I think you were still
doing cleaning off the tables and stuff. Vanessa:
Yeah, minor things. Dan:
Lawn work. I used to do the lawn work. In America that's a big thing. You got to mow your lawn.
But now we pay somebody to do that because ... Vanessa:
It's a big task. Dan:
I had that good old red-blooded American in me that said, "No,
I got to mow my own lawn." And you were like, "I'd rather you just spend some time with us."
Vanessa: Yeah, especially because we have a pretty big
yard. So that task, especially for this time in our life when we have small kids, it's
better to delegate that to someone else. I feel like a big thing that worked for us was ...
Dan: Excuse me, delegating.
Vanessa: For delegating, yeah, was just really treating it
like a business, which I think the home is kind of like a business.
Dan: That's how you saw it?
Vanessa: We had a meeting. I remember we went-
Dan: Okay, we did have a meeting. That's true.
Vanessa: We went out on a date to try to have
a little fun. We went out on a date, went to a restaurant.
Dan: A couple.
Vanessa: A couple drinks, nice food. We brought a notebook
and we wrote down every chore, little things like fixing the car or ...
Dan: That's not a little thing.
Vanessa: Well, like maintenance on the car or checking the
bank account, looking at our health insurance, what these little things that come up, scheduling
doctor's appointments for the kids or ourselves or whatever. These types of things that kind of add
up. We wrote every single one down and based on other things. So am I pregnant? Am I not? That's
also a big responsibility. How much am I working? How much is Dan working? And not just hours,
but that mental load of you're working on a big project or whatnot, those types of things.
Who did what chores? So we just wrote down ... Dan:
Putting the kids to bed. Vanessa:
Putting the kids to bed. Dan:
That's a big chore. Vanessa:
That's a big chore. Dan:
Man. Vanessa:
We just put D or V based on who did what. So this kind of strict delegation. But there was a
little asterisk I think we put on this that said, and I think this is an important part of a healthy
relationship, if I can say this, is that when one of us was not capable of doing one of those
chores, for example, the dishes, if the kids were having such a hard time going to bed and you were
really overwhelmed by that, I would do the dishes. So there's a little asterisk of we help
each other out. We're not going to say, "Nope, it's not my chore. I will never do it."
But we were willing to help each other out. But in general, you wrote down, Dan does
this, you do it, it's your chore. And yeah, kind of just figuring out what works well because
we both work. We both take care of the kids. If one of us did not work, totally different
situation then because that person's job is the home.
Dan: Is the household.
Vanessa: It is the children. And you take that seriously.
Dan: It's kind of harder than a regular job
really, if you do it all by yourself. Vanessa:
I think every stay- Dan:
It gets crazy. Vanessa:
Every stay at home parent would absolutely say that, "Going to work is a break."
Dan: It depends on your job, but still.
Vanessa: Generally, for me, taking care
of the children is harder. Dan:
By yourself especially. Vanessa:
Especially by yourself is the most difficult. And then going to work is like a
break. It's like, oh, it's quiet. I can focus. I accomplish a task from the beginning to the end
without being interrupted. That feeling is much different. It's much-
Dan: You can go to the bathroom
without a child barging in on you. Vanessa:
Wow. So yeah, I think that's generally how we handle it. And we
change it over time because we have two kids and Dan's working from home with me. Dan worked from
home with me. Actually, that's our bonus question. Dan worked at this business, Speak English With
Vanessa for several years. So that was a very different situation. We had similar type of
jobs somewhat. We were both home, so, yeah, we had to organize and delegate
our chores in a different way. So basically whatever works for you.
But I highly recommend having a meeting, writing down all the things that need to be
done, and then determining who does what. But working on it together. It can be a big point
of contention, I think for a lot of couples. Dan:
Yeah. I do think it's a lot more cut and dry for a lot of people. Especially if one person
does the work and makes the money for the house, it seems like a lot easier to be the other person
takes care of almost everything at the house. Vanessa:
Yeah. I think that- Dan:
That just kind of makes sense. Vanessa:
It's also important to determine what happens when that person comes home.
Dan: Yeah, that's true.
Vanessa: Because the person ...
Dan: That can get contentious.
Vanessa: Yeah. I think that's why it's important to talk
about it and write down the stuff. What do you do on the weekends, because everyone needs a break.
Dan: Just know the expectations. You don't want to
assume. You don't want to be the guy who just kicks his feet up and puts him up on the chair.
Vanessa: Oh yeah.
Dan: While the wife is making the dinner.
Vanessa: Yeah. I think making sure that everyone.
Dan: Sometimes it's fun, but.
Vanessa: And not fun for the person making. Actually,
you know what? In our house making dinner is a break.
Dan: We like making dinner.
Vanessa: I like making dinner because if I've been with the
kids all day, making dinner is like, I can focus on this task. And sometimes we make dinner with
the kids. But in general, I think that you just decide what's best for your family. But it's best
to decide together and kind of work through that before somebody explodes generally is a good idea.
All right. Thank you for those wonderful questions. We have a bonus question.
Would you like to answer a bonus question? Dan:
I thought we already did the bonus question. Vanessa:
We did not do the bonus question, but I hinted at the bonus question.
Dan: Okay.
Vanessa: The bonus question is: How is Dan feeling going
back to work after helping you to teach us English for a long time?
Dan: Wow. I didn't know they knew about that.
Vanessa: Yes. Yeah. Well, some of my students in my course,
the Fearless Fluency Club, they have been a part of our lives for a long time. They're privy to all
that information. So just as a little background, Dan taught and worked with me at Speak
English With Vanessa, making videos. Dan:
Behind the scenes. Vanessa:
Behind the scenes, helping with- Dan:
Writing stories. Vanessa:
Courses, all of that. And then, yeah, tell us what happened. September last year, what did you do?
Dan: Yeah. So now I teach at my son's school. I
was an assistant teacher last year and this year I'm going to be a co-science teacher.
It's an alternative school, so it's not like a regular classroom setting. It's a little
bit more integrating outdoors. So the kids are actually outside for half the day. And so
that's a big goal or mission of the school. So that's what I've been doing and I like it a
lot. I like being able to go out and do my own thing. It's not so much working with you, but
working with a partner all day long and living with them and then having kids and everybody's
in the house, I think that got a little bit old. Vanessa:
Yeah. I think it's healthy for us to be part of the community because especially when-
Dan: Especially when technically you were my boss.
Vanessa: Yeah, I think deciding what works-
Dan: That can't last that long.
Vanessa: Best for your relationship. But I think even
for our family, you working outside the home, you working at Theo's school especially, like you-
Dan: That's been good.
Vanessa: That's been great. You've been able to, at
least I feel good that Theo is with you during the day. You're not his teacher at school,
but you're at the school kind of with him. Dan:
Not yet. Vanessa:
Someday maybe you'll be his teacher, but kind of connecting us to the community more. You
have coworkers. If anybody has either worked from home or moved to a new country and then worked
remotely or just this kind of isolation that's prevalent when you work from home. It's really
nice to be connected to the community in some way. And work is a kind of easy way to do that.
Dan: Yeah. And I think also being perfectly honest,
there are some patterns that people just can develop as work partners or even just home life.
And we had kind of developed something that was not good, that wasn't fun for us.
Vanessa: It wasn't working-
Dan: It wasn't as healthy as it could be.
Vanessa: Yeah.
Dan: And so we were like, "We need
to change something, for sure." Vanessa:
And I think that was good of us to be able to decide something needs to change.
Dan: We weren't at each other's throats or anything.
Vanessa: No. Yeah, I think that that's important to
realize in our relationship. So Dan works at a school now and question was how
do you feel? You said it's going well. Dan:
Yeah, it feels great. Yeah, I like it. I think this works really well. I kind of
get to go out and forge my own path in some ways. I don't feel like I'm kind of tinkering around
the edges of this business, which is a great business. And it's like, yeah, it's amazing and
you guys are awesome. Vanessa's amazing, amazing, amazing. But yeah, it's just going off and
doing my own thing for at least part of the day, I think has done a lot for me personally.
Vanessa: Yeah, I think it's done a lot for our family too.
Dan: And for our family, yeah.
Vanessa: Because I think when somebody in your house isn't
feeling well, I wouldn't say you weren't feeling well, but you weren't at your best.
Dan: At times I wasn't so happy.
Vanessa: Yeah, that really affects the whole family
unit. So I'm glad that you are feeling better. Dan:
Yeah. And we just saw each other in neighbors mostly. So that was kind of like.
Vanessa: Yeah. It's nice to have other people in our lives.
Dan: We have friends, but it just felt different, even
though all of you are our friends, but we don't get to see you every day.
Vanessa: You know what we mean. Yeah.
Well, thank you so much for being willing to answer these questions
with me. Some of these are quite personal. Dan:
That got personal. Vanessa:
Yeah. Well, thank you so much for being willing to immerse yourself in English, and I hope that this-
Dan: And our lives.
Vanessa: Yes, our lives too. I hope that if you are
a parent that this was interesting to you. I hope we're not too judgmental about other
ways of doing things. This is just from our personal perspective.
Dan: And we're all just trying to figure it out.
Vanessa: I know.
Dan: That's the ultimate conclusion of parenting.
Vanessa: Yes. Yes. As long as you love and respect
your children and your partner, you're probably going to be doing something right.
Well, don't forget to download the free PDF worksheet for today's lesson with all of
today's vocabulary, expressions, ideas, sample sentences. Don't forget what you learned in
today's conversation. You can click the link below this lesson to download that free PDF today.
And if you are a parent, let us know in the comments what you think about tech and parenting.
How do you handle screens with your kids? How old are your kids? What do you do? I am always
interested in how other people are just going about being a parent. How is it working for you?
Let us know. I would love to read your comments. And thank you so much for learning English with
us today. I'll see you again next Friday for a new lesson here on my YouTube channel. Bye.
Dan: Bye.
Vanessa: But wait. Do you want more? I recommend watching
this video next, which is another conversation I had with my husband, Dan, about pregnancy
and deciding to have a third child. How did we decide to have a third child? Well, watch
that video to find out and I'll see you there.
