Adored 2019 - Session 2 - Pastor Havilah Cunnington

for those of you that don't know who I am I'm Avila Huntington and otherwise known as Xavier Cunningham that is the name that most people call me but it's a I live in Redding California and I have four young sons I might even have a family picture I hope that the team is said that to you there they are aren't they so cute always this is like if I look tired this is why just that's it right here this is my leverage but um I have four boys my husband I've been married for almost 14 years and I was 27 when I married nope I was 28 when I married Ben a week before no month before 28 but it took me a long time to find a good man and so if you're single that is okay it may be another 10 years so not to discourage you I always say he's four years younger than I am so you know good meet takes time to marinate and maybe maybe your spouse is just marinating he's just marinating and God is waiting for him to become legal and so he does all of our filming editing we get to run a organization nonprofit called truth to table like farm to fork and it's where we teach Bible studies and courses and we have a community a tribe community that's a part of my world that I kind of mentor from my kitchen table and so heat is all about filming and editing and he's the brains behind the operation I remind him that I am the face behind the operation and he is the brains and then my eldest son Judah he is in the picture he's the tallest kid there and he is about to turn 13 so anybody living with a tween in the house it's an interesting experience isn't it this is my experience with my tween is they just had the first week of school and I picked him up my eldest son who wants to be a movie producer mostly live off me but probably be a promise that's kind of in a bit of a kid like that where you're like Lord Jesus please let him watch but anyway he he said mom what are you wearing and I came in my workout clothes you know stretch pants and a long t-shirt and I wear that often - at least they work out or at least look like it and so as I'm wearing this he goes mom what are you wearing I said well I'm wearing my normal workout clothes and he goes your pants are see-through and I said they are like I looked down like oh my gosh you know did I wash them wrong or hole and I said where are they see-through he goes no no they're just so tight you can see everything I mean he is downright you've been bare he is like upset about this it's the first words out of his mouth is he's chastising me on what I'm wearing and I said you know I wear these all the time he's like well it's just embarrassing all my friends can see it and I said you know what Judah I have a very nice body and your friends want to see it and it was over the conversation was over he just climbed in the back and I was like welcome to junior high we're gonna do this together so that's what my old is like right now he'll be 13 next month and then my second son is Hudson and Hudson is blue-eyed brown haired like all boy his number one favorite thing is our dog bear and bear is three and he is part of the family he really believes he's part human and believes that he should be able to do everything else doesn't have a fur baby that they believe that they are part of the family and he follows me around I've never felt more anxious in my life do you ever have a dog that's waiting for you I found myself wandering around town just I'd have to go home and see them for like an hour like that's not a good sign when you're wandering around going like I can't go home cuz if I go home for an hour then I'm gonna hurt his feelings I have to leave again just pray just pray so anyway that's Hudson and Hudson is very very uh ambitious and he is a penny pincher and he just he runs his life and her rhythm and a routine he gets up every morning and he's all ready to go before everybody and that is his goal and then Grayson is our little blondie and I is very intense he's booked the only blond-haired I always say he's like my little twin he's got this intensity he has a raspy voice like I do we're both trying to quit smoking so it's all it's all the above so Grayson is a he is good he's 8 years old and he is he's he's amazing we'll talk more about him in a little bit and then Beckham is our baby and he is the perfect addition I can't imagine life that Beckham and he wants to be a chef when he grows up and he continually beats up all three of the other boys and owns them and I just let it happen cuz I'm like you guys he's gonna be bigger than you so you better watch what you say and so I just you know it is what it is there's a lot of things that go on in our house that I hope no one ever knows about can I get an amen does anybody else know that way like Lord just don't let anyone come to the house today and so that's our family we live in Redding California we get to go to a beautiful church called Bethel and I'ma get to be a pastor there and I mostly on the road about two to three times a month I'm on the road and we get to travel the world and so it's an honor to be here and I have been waiting to meet pastor Beth for like ever from the very beginning that we got the invitation and knowing that she was like in our world and knew who we work sometimes we go places and they don't even know who we are and it's just to honor and just knowing like this church is gonna be awesome because of who she is and so I can't wait to dive into what we're gonna do today so if you have your Bibles on you I want you to pull them out if you don't don't worry God will judge you for that but Romans chapter 12 is where I'd love you to turn for a minute Romans chapter 12 it's kind of at the back of the book and you know I it's it's not very often that I come in and start on a morning session which I love but it makes me want to teach you this morning rather than preach at you and the reason is is I want to equip you and I am very much living the same life as you are in many ways I'm a I'm a wife I work all the time I have laundry I have dishes I have all the things that you have and what often I felt even in my own life was that I wanted to not just be inspired about my calling and my purpose I wanted to know how to live my everyday life vibrantly and empowered and not be not trying to hype up my spirituality but live in an authentic way that I could actually stay powerful in my everyday life without praying that God would shift my atmosphere or shift my spouse or you know get me take care of my kids or whatever but I needed I needed to know that I could do live powerful and so today I want to teach you about how I structure my life and I think it will really help you on how you'll structure your life so I want to start with the book of Romans chapter 12 verse 2 I'm gonna read out of the amplified version which I call the girl version because there's a lot more words and then we'll go on it says this do not be conformed to this world fashioned after or adapted to its external superficial customs now can I ask you something did you know that the world has some pretty crazy cultures that they expect us to live by the world expects us to bow down to what they think we should be doing and they are willing to chastise us if or not and there's these external superficial customs that they're always wanting us to live by did you know that if you're gonna be a follower of Jesus Christ sometimes your life isn't gonna line up like everybody else in your age group did you know that sometimes your life isn't gonna be just you deciding to plow forward it's gonna be about you being led by God and everything you do and sometimes the decisions you make are gonna seem crazy and gonna seem like that doesn't make sense and I shouldn't be going here and I shouldn't be doing this but I'm following the leading of the Holy Spirit in my life and so we begin to understand that the that the customs of the world need to be challenged and we need to ask ourselves is this really bringing me life or actually manipulating me to stay powerless weak and vulnerable to the things that are gonna hurt me it says but be transformed changed by the entire renewal of the mind its new ideas and its new attitudes so that you may prove for yourself what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect in his sight for you can we pray okay Lord Jesus help amen so about when I'd say almost about nine years ago ten years ago I found myself in a really really hard place a dark place and I had just given birth to my second son Hudson I had given birth to Judah we got pregnant three months in a marriage had Judah had an emergency c-section got pregnant nine months later had Hudson another c-section and I was just like this is awesome I love being a mom I love having kids but something isn't right I am NOT connecting with my everyday life all I can do is take care of my little and I'm kind of feel like I'm from the outside looking in and I remember taking Hudson to a pediatrician office for one of his appointments and when I went there I was talking to the doctor about how I was adjusting to two children and she said Wow habala it seems like you're really struggling and I said I am and I said I just can't seem to get it together it's hard for me to get out of bed it's hard for me to function and she said it sounds like you have postpartum depression and when she said that I remember thinking to myself oh my gosh this she's right something isn't right and I know that it's not and she's acknowledging it and when she said the words because I had wondered if I did my eyes fill up with tears and I just began to cry in this doctor's office and so she said you know I just recommend you go talk to somebody and then she kind of took care of Hudson and I remember running the office to the to my car getting in the front seat and me thinking I better call my friend's mom I know that she's a Christian counselor in town and I bet I could go see her now I want you to understand something that as a Christian and as an ordained minister at that point I'm on staff at a church I've been in ministry since I was the age of 18 ordained 22 I've been traveling I I've loved God my whole my whole life and I was serving him wholeheartedly at that point and now I'm struggling and I'm having a hard time understanding like why am i struggling and yet my heart is in all the right places does anybody know what I'm talking about and so I said and also the world that I grew up in Christians didn't go to counselors we sent people to counselors if they couldn't get it together like if we couldn't pray it out cast it out come on you know do all those things then we send the counseling and then we just hope that you know that they'll get heals think come back so we can help them and that was kind of the church mentality back then and so I remember being really embarrassed that I had to go see a counselor but I thought I'm gonna go she's a Christian which I recommend go see someone who knows the Lord cuz they'll have a Kingdom mentality and so I go in and I call her and I say this is hobble I listen I just met with my pediatrician they said I might have postpartum depression I need to come see you just let me know well I thought she would call me a couple day in a couple days but instead she calls me within the hour and she says I can see you tomorrow can you come in well I didn't know I thought she was just being really diligent but what I didn't know was that they were concerned that I would have postpartum psychosis and hurt my baby so they want to get you in there as soon as possible to understand if it's psychosis or just a depression so I went in her office the next day and I sat in a seat across from her and she began to ask me questions and I begin to answer them as honest as I could and at the end of it she said you want to know what I think and I said yeah I'd like to know you think and she said well after going through all of the 14 signs of postpartum depression you have thirteen of them and as she said it my again I started to cry which I'm not crier by nature as anybody else like I'm more like an angry person I'm like I'm like if I cry it's because my angers just leaking is anybody else like that I don't know what has anybody else like that like and I love it when people can cry I'm like can you pray for me that I can have that because it feels so like I don't know it's better than getting angry but anyway I uh I so I'm crying again and I she says why don't you come and meet with me and so I begin to meet with her every week to try to begin to walk myself through this postpartum depression the first thing I said to her is what do you want me to do and she said you know what I want you to do is I want you to go home and get a good night's sleep and I was like what are you talking to kids under 17 months no one is sleeping in our house for the next two years no one is sleeping in our house and that's not happening and she said I cannot give you things to change in your life without your brain operating at full capacity without you being totally healthy and your brain or worse you know enough and I said okay and what I didn't know was that sleep is the only thing that rids our brains of toxins so we have to sleep in order to cleanse all this stuff that's happening all day long and so she said do whatever you can do pump all day get it ready and have your mom and your husband feed the baby in the mill the night and try to get five to six hours of sleep so that we can begin to get your brain healthy and beginning to kind of activate in a healthy way and I said okay I'll do it on that Friday I came in her office and we began to do a work and the work was she began to teach me about the things that I had been doing wrong that had led me to that place and begin to help me understand some of my you know mindsets and belief systems and core values and all those things about six months into it I'm feeling great I've been meeting with her every week I am right I'm like I am I'm ready to do go back in a full-time ministry let's do this and she said you know happily can I tell you something else that might hurt your feelings and I said okay and she said she said something that made me want to punch her in the face she said um you know happily you would have been in my office eventually but the baby got you here sooner and I was like no this is postpartum depression it happens after I give birth this has nothing to do with how I'm living life has everything to do with the lack of serotonin from being on ten weeks of bed rest to c-sections that's what it is I'm so sorry and she said you know Havilah I have been a minister's kid and I have been a minister's wife and what I have found is that church women don't know how to live healthy lives and she said I'd like to teach you some strategies on how to actually live a healthy and powerful life in every season of your life and she said but this is what I wouldn't gonna need from you I'm gonna need you to come in and make a commitment to me with an anonymous group of women that I'm pulling from the city there'll be five of them they all lead large either churches or movements or nonprofits you're not allowed to know each other's last names I want to teach you on Friday for an hour and a half I want to teach you how to structure your life so that you can be healthy from here on out you can understand how to how to actually have margin in your life how to know what you're saying yes to how to be responsible for the things that God's calling you to be responsible for said will you make a commitment I said yes so I spent an entire year walking into her office every Friday I had no money back then so I had to save my Starbucks money for one Starbucks a week and it was that morning and I would go in and get a vintage soy latte with extra ice and whip and I would walk into that office and I would sit for an hour and a half as she began to unpack the areas that we thought were godly but instead were just idols and the way that we were living life according to supernatural customs that we believed was the right thing to do but was actually leading us to being burned-out overwhelmed overworked and under utilized and so what I want to do today is I want to give you kind of the Reader's Digest part of this teaching I'm gonna give you some things I'm gonna say today that are you're gonna love your me like yes I love that absolutely thank you for saying it there's gonna be other things that I say that you're gonna say I don't know if I believe that I don't know if I like that but what I recommend is that instead of making a quick judgment I recommend that you sit back and realize that some of these things that I'm gonna teach you are gonna if you take some time it could actually reprogram the way that you've thought about God and about lies and about what he's put on you're in on your life and it could actually change your ability to be here 10 years from now living refreshed healthy and happy and so what I want to teach you is I want to teach you what biblical boundaries are if you're taking notes such I hope you are I'm gonna give you some notes today so that you can go back and revisit these things and make sure that I'm not just preaching heresy I'm teasing I wouldn't so what is a biblical boundary a biblical boundary is a property line it defines where one person ends and another person begins a biblical boundary is what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for we bought a house a couple of years ago and we live in this like retired neighborhood I don't know we didn't know the area so we thought it was really nice I did not know how often retired people do their yard like mow there a lot I had no idea that this is a 2 to 3 time a week moment that's like two hours and it's very it's very involved and it's consistent rain or shine their their lawn is going to be nurtured and so I walk outside and they're always mowing their lawn now could you imagine if I walked over to Mike across the street and he's out there I know he's retired I know he has time I know he has the income I have four kids and a dog that I'm not even sure half of them are saved and I've got all these things this stuff is going on and I and he's going as long I said hey why don't you mow my lawn you know I'm busy you know I'm a mom like you couldn't just mow my lawn why why would that be inappropriate because it's not his responsibility it's my responsibility and so when we begin to understand biblical boundaries we begin to understand what our yard starts and where it ends where your yard starts and where it ends and when we get really clear on this life gets a lot easier in our lives now I know you might say that doesn't feel spiritual I came to a Christian conference and I want to have a spiritual moment let me tell you you will be of no earthly good if you're so spiritual but you have no biblical boundaries you'll be here for a few years to be excited about certain things but this is the stuff that protects your marriage these are the things that protect your kids these are the things that protect your ministry these are the things that allows us all to kind of be off the hook a little bit and to allow people to be human and responsible and so this is really important and for those of you that have older children adult children that are still in your home this will be even better so you are the one who we hold responsible for what goes on in your yard I call it a yard but it's the area in which God holds you fully responsible don't me explain this to you this is number one these are six reasons God gives us physical boundaries six reasons the first one is that biblical boundaries help us to find what is our responsibility and what is not our responsibility if we are responsible then we need to act if we are not responsible then we do not need to act and when we get clear it helps us to find what we need to be doing what we need to not be doing the Bible says in first Corinthians 3:8 he says now he who plants and he who waters are one and each one will receive his own reward according to his own labor God has no problem holding you responsible for a yard who has a yard anybody over 18 everybody has a yard oh you guys are raising your hand I just was it was just a statement but anybody who's over 18 God sees you as an adult and treat you as an adult and if you have kids that are under 18 they have their own yard that you're helping to nurture so that when they do turn 18 they are able to structure and lead their own healthy lives and so God holds us responsible for these areas and it's no one else responsibility but yours too ten for it now number two biblical boundaries are created to keep us safe from harm people say you know what I have boundaries I don't understand why is about it such a big deal because boundaries keeps us from evil it keeps us from danger it keeps us from being bankrupt emotionally mentally physically and spiritually and so it's very critical that we understand that it keeps us safe from harm we are to take constant diligent ownership and stewardship over our souls and be careful of what's going on there proverbs 4:23 says that watch over your heart with all diligence for from it flows the Springs of life which means what's going on in habilis heart will be more critical than anything else in her life whatever is going on in your heart today whatever thoughts you're having whatever emotions you're experiencing whatever decisions and choices that you're walking in all of that is within your yard and the Bible says we are to be diligent about what's happening there the enemy would love to get you focused on somebody else's responsibility don't look around the enemy would love you to be focused on why your adult child didn't make the decision you wanted to make the enemy would love you to be focused on why your spouse isn't who you think they need to be but what's really critical is that we come back and we realize that we are only powerful over our own yard and so number three is that biblical boundaries gives limits the requirement to live within one's own limits to enforce limits and the consequences with others it allows us to say this is what I will allow and this is what I will not allow now I know boundaries gets thrown around kind of like the dirty Christian word that's like I don't want to do it so I have boundaries or I don't want to do this so you know I boundaries are I don't want to talk to you because that you are you know it's like the word toxic what does toxic even mean it's just this word that gets thrown around but what I want to do is teach you what biblical boundaries really look like so that it's not just a word thrown around and we don't want to do something or we don't like someone but that we actually have the power to know what it is and God said it so clearly to Moses he said and so the Lord said to me enough of that speak no more to me of this matter clearly God is telling Moses enough even God is saying enough stop let's not talk about that anymore he's setting a standard he's saying no we're not gonna do this and so God doesn't just set limits but he set standards and those standards keep us safe I was thinking about this with my son Judah the other day I had came home from school and he was he was exhausted because being 12 is exhausting and so he I pick him up and I'm like how was your day babe he's like mmm just the grunts is they be able to have a psychic or maybe a husband and so he grunts and then I'm like hey you know can you just tell me like was it okay what did everyone you know was everyone nice to everybody and my mom I'm so tired I can't talk to you right now okay Judah okay I'm just asking just one or two answers would be awesome you okay everything okay mom I'm so tired and you're wearing way too much perfume it's annoying the unfortunate part with raising sons is that they don't have periods so this is just what it is so I'm like okay no problem I love you I'll be over here I'd go into the living room start working on my stuff and Judah gets in his head I want this one thing out of the garage because we're gonna have this camp and I went the ski mask and I want to up there so he comes over he goes mom I need you to go get the ski mask in the garage I said Oh Judah I'm so tired I'm so tired and honestly you may want to brush your teeth because it kind of smells and he looks at me and he smiles cuz he gets it that how you're treating me I'm showing you I'm resembling to you how you're treating me and so it allows me to say like hey I'm actually not gonna sit here and allow you to be mean to me but I will be over here and when you want something from me you'll be able to understand that I'm only willing to give you what I think is appropriate at that moment and I'm not going to let you just be it would do whatever to me I have standards I'm a woman of standards Amen I always say I'm the boss of you my husband goes honey they don't need you to say that I said no no I'm not saying it for them I'm saying it for me to remind me that I'm in charge here it's like a small prison riot so number five is biblical boundaries gives respect it actually allows us to respect what Christ has done and to be reverent with one another when I have biblical boundaries I don't invade your privacy when I have biblical boundaries I don't come in and dominate or control or manipulate I'm able to sit back and go you know what you're a really powerful person and what you choose to do you'll figure it out you'll be so awesome you can do this I'll be over here managing my own yard because I got a lot to do over here and so it's really important that it gives us respect and then second um and so that's number five and then number six is oh yeah our biblical boundaries allows godly sowing and reaping so why did God create sowing and reaping because this is important it's his system to teach his children he's worked it out he's like you saw this you reap this you saw this you reap this most people stay in mature or cycle in pain because some good-hearted person decided to interrupt the process of sowing and reaping to save the day to help them feel good about their lives but instead have kept that person in an immature place spiritually and so what I'm finding in the church is that we're saying things like that's unloving and that's unkind and I want to ask you who told you that because the book of Galatians is very clear a Galatians angulation talks about a lot of different things but one of the things that Paul talks about is he says each of you we should carry each other's burdens so he says it biblically just look at me for a minute this is important you are called by God to help carry each other's burdens but you don't understand what that means unless you understand the Greek part of that so the Greek interpretation of burdens is like a crushing load or a boulder it's like when you come around a road and a rock has fallen on the road and you need help to move that so everyone can keep going a boulder see many of us will experience crushing loads you may have a death in the family you may have a loss of a job you may have a mental issue I don't I don't know what you have but we will have crushing loads and the Bible says it is biblical for us as the body of Christ to run and rescue that's biblical to go in and say what can I do now do you need child care can i watch your kids do you need some cash do you need a meal do you need me to pray for you what do you need you're in crisis this is a burden that's gonna break you and crush you if I don't help you I'm here I got you I can't do everything but I can do something how can I be available to you how many of you know when you've gone through hard things that even a meal may it matters when you've gone through hard things even a taxes just says hey I'm here I love you there's nothing in return just when you're ready I'm here let me know one of the best things you can say to somebody is what do you need from me not well you know back in the day that happen to me and let me tell you all the eighteen ways why this worked for me what if you just said what do you need right now that's it in love in kindness the kindness movement the pastor Beth was talking about what if we just stopped trying to solve each other's problems and just said what can I do to help you and so this is what's critical is that we begin to carry each other's burdens now there's another part of that chapter where Paul the Apostle says but we are to carry our own load the word load in the Greek means a backpack a purse it's like I use a purse a backpack but it's a it's a daily toil and so what the Bible actually is saying is is it as biblical when someone is going through it and they feel like they're gonna die from the crushing load of this situation to run and help but it is not biblical for you to go and grab somebody else's backpack and carry it because they don't want to carry it in fact he's saying they need to be able to carry their own load so that they can actually help like carry the effort of the body of Christ like help grow help mature it does something in our character work has been a part of God's kingdom it wasn't because of the apple in the garden people are like Oh work because the you know Adam and Eve ate that got no no listen Adam had a job before he ever ate the apple I mean God had him naming animals and running the kingdom and I mean the Bible says he worked the land well before the fall so don't act like work as a part of the fall it's part of how our purpose comes to life and we put effort toward something and did you know you can't build self-confidence by someone encouraging you have to do it by practicing something and doing something do you know that our kids will never be confident with us going you're so cute you're so awesome mommy loves you you're amazing they'll never grow confidence psychologically they've done studies but the only way for someone to build confidence lasting confidence is to try something fail try it again try something fail try it again try something succeed come on so in all of our lives sometimes we don't like the fact that we're going through stuff but the truth is maybe some of the stuff we've gone through has put within us a confidence in God that we would have never had if we hadn't gone through it and so it's really important is this often the church loves to hold other people's backpacks and then when someone's having a crushing load no one has the resources to help them so I can't help I can't give you that mission offering because I'm paying my adult child cell phone bill I actually can't do that because my spouse you know I I'm in charge of their happiness and so I've got to be available to this this and this and so I don't have anything left all right you know I don't have I I can't give you any food because I you know I'm I'm I'm maxed out because I have all these people coming into my house and you know they don't have any of that and what's really important is to ask yourself are they a burden moment are they wanting you to carry their backpack and when you get clear on a backpack and a burden life gets a whole lot easier and you will begin to realize that that's not biblical it's not biblical for you to carry anybody's backpack it's actually biblical for them to carry their own backpack now why is this important because I'm gonna get to the good stuff this is the good stuff and that is within our yard god holds us responsible for three specific things there are three specific things that God holds you responsible for and when you get to heaven he will ask you how did you steward this area you'll ask you how did you do with what I gave you and those three areas are simply this and if you're writing notes the first part of that your yard is something called feelings everybody say feelings feeling mhm no I'm kidding okay feelings have no moral value the Bible says to be angry and sin not which means that there is an emotion we can have but the Bible says there is no moral moment until we act on it and what I've found is that feelings give us insight to what's going on inside of us now there are two types of people in the world I have found after almost study in all my research and you will fit in one of these categories but there are the that know how much gas is in the car and there are those that only know they need gas the light goes on I am the one of those that only puts gas in when the light comes on is anybody else like that like I don't have time to watch my gauge does anybody I know my husband on the other hand you could ask him at any time how much gas he's like I got 2/3 I got 3 but I'm like what does that even mean like I don't I'm not weird even see that I don't even know where you see that thing is like you know cuz I hide you know I really don't like it to get past 1/2 at 8:00 I might get past that habit I don't know what you're talking about if I do I if I keep filling it up miss spend more money I want to wait a week and then fill the whole thing up that's in my head and so he'll always say like how much cows well that's kind of what feelings are to us we'll be going along in life and then all of a sudden a light will flash frustration now many of us that were taught that feelings were bad or had a moral that was wrong we were taught that's wrong you should be happy you should be nice stop it and what happens then is we begin to dismiss what we're feeling which doesn't allow us to have insight into the inside of us to know what God is actually helping us want to heal and walk through and understand and so instead of saying I shouldn't feel that what if we said holy spirit show me what's going on in the inside of me and what if when we bumped into somebody and we got angry what if instead of us saying oh being angry is bad I wouldn't be an angry person what it is said we said that makes me angry I wonder why I wonder what this reminds me of I wonder what triggered that I wonder how that started you see I believe to be spiritually vibrant we must be spiritually aware we have to have self-awareness to know what is going on on the inside of us it is no one else's job to know what is going on on the inside of you it is not your spouse's job to know what's going on on the inside of you it is not your mom's job it is not your dad's job it is not your pastors job to know what's going on the inside of you you are the only one that's able to know what is going on in the in right of you and the Holy Spirit wants to partner with you that you could begin to get some of those emotions healed and some of those emotions can take you into journeys where God begins to highlight bad thought patterns wrong belief systems painful experiences that we never got healed from whatever it is a feelings then instead of being the enemy they begin to be the partnering with the holy spirit to show us where we need to grow emotions come it gives us insight they have no moral value we get to decide I think pass dirt my pastors set it this way emotions are like waves we get to decide which one that we ride and so God is not afraid of emotion I know that might seem like really but no really the the word anger in the Bible is used 270 times the word joy is mentioned 242 times grief 35 times mourning 47 times to mourn 138 sadness has only mentioned once and frightened is only mentioned nine times where terror is mentioned 88 times one of the shortest Bible verses or these shortest Bible verses is that Jesus wept and so for some of us God wants to take the emotions that we're having and instead of us shutting it down and going oh I just want to do the right thing I think the Holy Spirit wants to bring it to light and go okay so this is what it means when I steward my yard everywhere that I go when I have an emotion about something I can partner with all I started to say should this be in my yard is this growing what I wanted to grow is this a healthy thought is this a healthy experience am I feeling a certain way about this and I can begin to steward that no one is responsible for your feelings look at me for a minute because you'll be like you're so mean just hold on we are responsible to each other but we are not responsible for each other I'm responsible to you because how I choose to respond says everything about me how I choose to respond in every situation in my marriage and my parenting in my leadership online yeah online don't even go there how I choose to respond on my social media says everything about me and says nothing about you if I'm kind says everything about me if I'm gracious this has everything about me if I'm long-suffering it says everything about me now you're gonna let the Holy Spirit know listen there's a partnership but he's never going to force you to do that you have to be able to surrender to what he wants to produce in you it's called the fruit of the Spirit which means that starts small and it has to grow and become it's got to grow into like full bearing fruit and so for some of us we go you know you made me mad you ever heard that phrase you made me mad no no I'm not that powerful I can't go inside of you and choose anger you chose anger no can i antagonize you heck yeah can I try to get you to react absolutely and if you do I will remove myself from that right God doesn't have to abuse me to use me so I can remove but when I begin to believe that how you treat me accesses my emotions and that you have that control in me all of a sudden I give that power away and I'm no longer a full hearted wholehearted person I'm now waiting for you to act a certain way so I can feel good about my life and my question to you as women because you know what I know I'm getting a little strong and it's the fear like I just met you and I feel like we're at third base well here's the deal I don't have a lot of time you don't have a lot of time I came here to give you what I got I'm gonna I may not be a lot of things but I am honest and I will tell you that for many of us as women we allow too many people and things to manipulate our emotions and we wonder what's going on and what we're told is is that we have to feel the same way as someone else in order to be loyal to them that is a lie you do not have to pick up someone else's offense to be loyal you do not have to talk about somebody negatively in order to be loyal you do not have to like someone else as to comment in order to be loyal you have be who you're called to be in that environment and how you choose responses everything about you and it goes the opposite way how they are responding to you says everything about them it says everything about them how they choose to respond over you says everything they're mean it says it says everything about them if they bully says everything about them if their ungodly it says everything about them if they're cruel it says everything about them and when we begin to separate that that means I can go into a conflict and go oh mine Oh note yours oat mine oat nut yours I'm not saying that don't do that in conflict what I'm saying I'm saying it allows me to stay powerful because what I have power over I can control and nurture and grow what I give to you I have no power over and so when I begin to realize that how I feel about life is entirely up to me and when I how I feel about everybody says everything about me and there might have need to be some healing and restructuring but the moment I realize that I'm fully in charge of that I get powerful so if you're sad all the time guess what you need to go in and go why am i sad all the time it's not just because people are participating there's something in me that has believed something and this is where we going to the next section because this is where oftentimes our feelings come from our thoughts in fact scientifically that's what it is we think something we have an emotion behind it oftentimes your emotion is linked to something you thought and you're in a situation in an environment in a relationship and that gets triggered and you go oh wait a minute I feel this way it's because of how you think about something and so the second area that god holds us entirely responsible for without anyone else participating is your attitude your attitudes now some of you you're like I don't like that well that's on you because attitudes are what we think about life if feelings are what we feel about life then attitudes are what we think about life attitudes come from our our beliefs and they come from our values it's what I think about life and when I think about life then begins to be triggered and my emotions follow that thing and so if I have a negative emotion I can go back to a thought that I have that I wrapped around with a core value or a belief system that's not helping me and I can go back and go okay my attitude is my responsibility how do we how do we get a better attitude if you ever had someone say you need to be nice you should have a good attitude how many of you were raised in a hobby just get a good I was raised so I would get a good attitude anybody else okay just my mom awesome that sounds great and someone can fake that for five minutes but in order to truly change our attitudes we have to go back into what we believe what we believe about life we'll change our emotions about life so this is what's critical this is why you being a godly woman is critical to you understanding this because what God wants to do in our lives is we want to partner with God to say are there lies I'm believing about myself are there truth I'm believing about myself are there things I've thought about are there core beliefs are there values help me up root all the things that don't bring me life and how we'd get roots to the things that do so that I can begin to grow the life I want to live listen John 10:10 says I've come that you may have life and have it abundantly you know what I believe and if you don't get anything else this is what I want you to capture today God wants you to have the abundant life without anyone else participating Christ came to give you the abundant life without anyone else participating and some of you you are waiting for someone else to participate and I'm asking you you cannot wait any longer you're going to have to choose who you want to be where you're gonna be and how you want to treat your life and that's entirely on you I waited so many years for my husband to do certain things so that I could be happy I waited so long for a leader in my church to recognize something so that I could feel called I waited so long for my my sibling to get it together so that I could feel loved and the true was it didn't matter what was going on in their world had everything to do with what I thought about life what I thought about myself when I thought God thought about me and I had to go in and restructure that and say okay God you show me how to do this so our attitudes are learned very early in life and many times our attitudes are similar to the attitudes we were raised with your mom was critical probably deal with criticism your dad was cynical probably do a little cynicism come on begin to learn our and often times when we're raised in that kind of environment we don't even realize it and so the really becoming mature is Rosen we have to challenge what we've believed when I went to my counselor and we began to walk through healthy boundaries she said you believe that saying no is mean deep down when you need to say no you've told yourself it's mean and so every time you go to say no you feel guilty you feel like you're being mean and so we actually need to restructure that she said what if you believed instead of that you're being mean what if you actually said yourself I'm being obedient what if we actually began to tell ourselves you know I'm so proud of you you're being obedient to the thing God called you to do and not just the thing that everybody wants you to do are we gonna get obedient and we begin to give ourselves permission to say yes and no in a way that allows us to be true to God's called us to life gets a whole lot easier so it's very important that our attitude is it's that we understand that then lastly is this the last thing in our lives is choices so we have our feelings we have our attitudes and then we have our choices everything you do every decision made everything that you're experiencing has everything to do with the choices you've made and this is where we get really powerful because when all of a sudden we realize that there were situations that happened around us the facts of our life is not going to dictate the choices that we make all of a sudden begin to realize you know what I spent that money I called that person I emailed that thing I chose to do this I chose do that and sometimes it's hard because we go oh I didn't want to do those choices but the moment we take full ownership of those choices is the moment we get powerful and begin to go you know what I'm gonna choose to go I'm gonna choose to have a good attitude about this and I'm gonna choose to feel great about it and we begin to alter and so all the sudden any environment we go into and this is what's critical and me as a woman I'm 41 I have four kids I run a non-profit we go all over the world we I mean Fowles the people I go to all different environments I'm in all different churches I mean my life is as full as it comes I have eight full-time staff members that work for me every week this is important is that when I get very clear on okay this is where I'm responsible and this is where I'm not I didn't send you a text well what did they get mad that I didn't send my text well that would be on them well I just think I'm supposed to cinema text I don't know who told you that they deserve a text well I just feel like if somebody reached out no no back in the day we used to have phones where you just didn't pick up they didn't have answering machines it was so much easier now we're like I tried to call you it was ten minutes you're like I'm so sorry I'm not on parole I had just getting groceries you know but we we need to begin to question and specifically as women moms leaders business owners strategists we've got to get clear on what is God calling me to do and what I can and can't do when I get clearer than anything we do together I know it's yours I know it's mine I know where I begin I know where I end I know that your response is everything about you I know how I want to show up in the world and my responses say everything about me when you try to make me powerful for your choices guess what I'm not gonna feel guilty because I am not that powerful when you try to make me feel that I need to make you happy in order to be together no I'm so sorry I'm not powerful enough to choose happiness for you you will have to do that and the idea and the Mirage that a circumstance is gonna make you happy is a lie because if that were the case in every rich wealthy famous influential person we know it would be the happiest people on the earth and what we find is the exact opposite and so we have to understand that where we are and who we are and this is important is that every environment we go into as long as I'm clear life gets really really simple got life gets very very simple I remember growing up I used to believe and I don't know if you've ever had this thought that I was responsible for you to like me and if you didn't like me I've done something wrong if you're offended at me then I'm the responsible thing is for me to go to you and make it right until you feel right about me did anybody else grow up like that and specifically as believers you are giving God a bad name if you don't get they don't like you did you ever grow up like that this this is you're supposed to be a testimony you know what was very freeing was to realize I'm responsible to them taking full ownership treating them as I would want to be treated giving them what I have but there's a moment where we have to let go and say however you process that feel about that decide about that will be fully in your court and I am NOT going to allow that to dictate manipulate distract overwhelm me I'm not gonna wake up at 3 in the morning thinking about the conversation and thinking if I could send you another text and have another conversation another email then we could figure this out you know what sweetheart that's anxiety but the truth is you have done nothing wrong it's just anxiety but it is not you've done nothing wrong you how you chose to response that everything about you how they chose responses everything about them and at this point you don't have time to stay in this place and I'll finish with this thought your life is too short and your calling is too great for you to live taking responsibility for things that are not your responsibility and when we get clear on this guess what I love you mom but I'm not I'm not responsible if you're happy if I pick up the phone or not I love you honey but I'm not responsible if you spent the money you're on the money in the bank I'm so sorry I didn't spend the money you spent the money we'll see what you put you figure out if you're so smart you'll figure it out I'll be here to champion you well we start to get very clear on those things life get so much simpler make sense all right let's stand together and pray for a minute I know I took a little bit of time but I did fly across the country last night so I feel like I deserve it you go I don't know like how do I do all this you don't do it overnight you don't do it overnight what you begin and do is identify your roadblocks my relational roadblocks my mother-in-law roadblocks my husband roadblocks my kid roadblocks my best friend roadblock my roommate and we begin to see okay where are the areas that I'm struggling and we begin to say okay what are my attitudes what are my choices and what are my feelings about this situation and we're beginning to surrender it to the Holy Spirit and he begins to show us hey this is the truth this is who you are this is who I've created you to be this is what I'm gonna do in the situation and when we gonna partner with truth and we sit there and we go I'm not leaving until truth becomes a part of me I'm not going anywhere all of a sudden the emotions of being fully loved fully accepted fully embraced bigger than the problem bigger than the mountain all the sudden we begin to have the emotions that say if God is for me who can be against me and then we begin to make choices not to dictate the outcome we begin to make choices because we want to be true to who God's called us to be in the environment some of the ways you'll respond will never dictate if somebody will do it right or it'll turn out right that is not the point the point is that I'll do the right thing so I can get the right thing no no I'm doing the right thing because if I don't i betray the person God's called me to be in this moment that's it and whether things change or not I'll tell you what I'm gonna go to bed I'm gonna sleep well I'm gonna wake up refreshed I'm gonna have some time and I'm gonna be able to see you as God sees you because you do not control any part of my story just like I don't control any part of your story and when we get clear life gets easier

Channel: Airborne Church

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Id: EMXiKntIXpc

Length: 54min 19sec (3259 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 20 2019