Adoption Education | How to respond to, "You're not my real mom." | Adoption Awareness

hi my name is shelby redfield kilgore and i'm the filmmaker of all these foster care and adoption videos on this youtube channel i just want to thank you to those of you who continue to come to this channel and check out my videos and to those of you new thank you for clicking on this video and i hope you will continue with me on this journey of adoption education and without further ado i will dive into this next episode of adoption education where i will be answering the question how to respond to you're not my real mom in this episode i will be sharing my own personal experience as an adoptee some research that i found on the internet and also including sort of the general insight that i've learned over the years through my interviews with all the different perspectives in the adoption constellation i will preface that i am not a therapist or an expert or a child development specialist i think it's just helpful to kind of be aware that this could come up and how you will be able to respond depending on your child's personality depending how old they are and sort of where they are at in their adoption journey and how they think about their adoption when i was five years old this was a very tumultuous time for me because it was when i finally understood what adoption meant that i had another mother that lived in korea and i was absolutely heartbroken and devastated and it was a very traumatic time for me and my my parents had always used the word adopted but i don't know if they explained it in a way that i and that i understood that i had two moms you know someone who gave birth to me and then um my mom who's raising me that didn't click until i was five i believe even my parents put me into therapy because of how much grief i was displaying how much anger and i remember i believe i was grounded and i really wanted to go over to my best friend's house at the time we lived in maryland and my mom said no i remember storming up the stairs this was when we lived in maryland so we had like a two-story house in a basement and yelling really screaming probably at the top of my lungs my real mom would let me go i ran into my room and slammed the door closed what i call it is like i'm just seeing red there's nothing anyone can say to me in that moment to calm me down and uh i don't ever remember after that incident my mom coming to like have a conversation with me about it and i don't ever remember saying it again i don't know why i never said it again i don't know if it was because i felt guilty or bad or if i just was trying to get a reaction from my mom and since i didn't get a reaction i'm like okay well uh i won't use that as a weapon to try and get a reaction or to get her upset or to try and hurt her because i was hurting at the time i think in that moment i really wanted to go to my friends and then to me thinking it was unfair triggered the trauma of life being unfair because you know at the time i finally understood what adoption meant that i had a mother that lived in korea that i was heartbroken that she could not come live with us and you know the resentment that i really didn't acknowledge towards my adoptive parents for adopting me um at the time when i was that young so i didn't have like a place really to to express that or language to express that except through screaming and and saying things that you know were hurtful so i was hurting so i wanted other people to hurt and you know put up walls and push buttons and see how far until i'm just left again basically you know as a child you probably don't even think of all of those different layers but as an adult you kind of reflect back and understand it you know before i started like researching about trying to answer this question in a broader sense other than just my personal experience i asked my mom like i asked her do you remember me ever saying that again like in anger that you're not my real mom or my real mom would let me do this and she told me no i didn't have a conversation with you after it happened because i knew or i expected it to happen my mom back in the 80s uh prior to her adopting me she went to different adoption conferences where adult adoptees spoke about their experiences and this is something that they mentioned happening and so my mom had done as much as she could like as far as educating herself about what it would be like to raise a child that was adopted as an adult and reflecting back like i am so grateful that my mom did what she could to try and learn and already to listen to the adoptee voice to know what they thought about their adoption experiences and what they wish their parents had done differently or what their parents had done right or well and so i've just always been grateful that she she did that [Music] i found myself sort of wading through several articles or blogs but they were written by adoptive mothers and what i really wanted was adoptees so in the several articles that i read by adoptive moms or blogs from them when they heard it from their child in some cases it was matter of fact and around the same age between five and seven years old that they were just explaining it maybe to a friend some said to respond in a very calm manner without showing any sort of like emotion that perhaps you were hurt by the statement and also uh in some cases you could diffuse with humor like saying pinch me i'm real like i'm your real mother and your first mother is also real we're both real or they might say do you mean whatever qualifier they say in their family growing up you know if your child is asking you about their real mom you know because she misses her and wishes she were there like it's so important for you to validate those emotions and those feelings and not to make it about you by correcting your child's language because that detracts from what your child is trying to say and then also makes it about you and you know what kind of insecurities it elicits within yourself about being a mother or a parent um i think possibly and i could be wrong but this is just something like that i think um it's probably more prevalent within the community of adoptive parents that dealt with infertility issues and never really breathed that loss prior to adopting um but i do feel like some couples that that grief is unresolved and they still adopt to sort of fill this this hole inside of their hearts um that there's this insecurity of not being a real parent a real mother a real father and so when that child says says it in anger even just as a matter of fact to them personally it's like a knife in in the heart and uh it's really hard for them to compose themselves in a way that doesn't show that they were hurt by this and so it's just really important to step back as a parent and how you feel so that it doesn't detract from what's going on with your child and underneath what your child is saying underneath the behavior i would say that over the years through the different interviews like some adoptees have said that you're not my real mom like in anger or as a matter of fact some adoptees have not said it because they feel so loyal to their parents and they would never want to hurt their parents feelings so they just never thought to say say something like that and i feel like the adoptees that say you're not my real mom or my real mom would let me do this and they say it in anger it's because they don't have a way to express how upset they are in that moment they don't know how to say that they're frustrated that they feel like nothing is in their control that life is unfair they don't have those words or that language when they're like five or seven years old looking back i'm really glad that my mom didn't circle back with me and have a conversation and let me figure out how i wanted to express myself later on or decide not to say it again because i'm a very sensitive person and i feel like if she had come back in and told me how she felt that if her feelings were hurt or this is how i should say it because she is my real mom i would have probably looked at that as a sign that i couldn't talk to her about that kind of stuff the important thing for moms and dads is to realize it's not about you and it's really important not to take things personally so that when something like this is said whether it's matter of fact or in anger that you take a deep breath and make sure not to respond in anger as well or with emotion or showing that you're hurt by what this child said because what's happening is if it's a matter of fact this child is just trying to explain using the language that is available to them because if they're young between five and seven they're they're going from concrete thinking to abstract thinking which is just much more complex and uh trying to understand like these big big concepts in life it's not to purposely or intentionally be hurtful because this is what makes sense to them [Music] i've come to the conclusion that you know when adoptee says it in anger you know your best course of action is just to let it go and like not actually uh circle back and and talk about it like unless of course the adoptee continues to use that because i feel like if they continue to use that i think it's because they see a reaction that you're hurt and they just want to keep pushing your buttons because they want to keep pushing that wall to see when they're just going to be left again or to see how far they can push and that may not be the case for all adoptees of course like i'm not saying that but i do think if you want to have a conversation about it if they're older than like five or six or seven years old like maybe in their teens i think it's so important to let adoptees know that what they're feeling if they're angry about being adopted they're angry and heartbroken about the fact that they're not living with their biological family that's okay like just tell them that you know you understand you hear it and you know you are there for them just validate them and their experience and what they're feeling it's so important and when a child says you're not my real mom in a matter-of-fact manner i still caution against correcting your child's language in the moment because i feel like it's an important moment where your child is just trying to talk to you or to another child or someone you know their understanding of adoption at that time in their life whether it's talking to you about how they miss their real mom um it's like when you interrupt with trying to fix what they're saying or correct it it takes it away from what they're trying to convey and you could lose that moment to uh validate them it's when you correct and invalidate what they're saying that it makes them feel insecure possibly feel shame it may make it so that that child doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about it or around you about it and then they may start to internalize those sorts of feelings when they come up and not share that with you when your child says you're not my real mom whether it's in anger or just as a matter of fact statement i really want you to look as an adoptive parent like how does that make you feel if you feel hurt by it if it brings up insecurities within you about being less than as a mother i really would caution against you responding to your child in that moment i feel like it's really important to look at your intention and the motivation behind correcting your child's language behind letting your child know that this hurts you because it will show up in your in your face in your body language without you probably even realizing it and your child will pick up on that and uh you know kids you know some kids don't want to hurt their parents feelings like at that age they could already be people pleasers or you know scared of rejection or being abandoned again and so seeing that that hurt can cause them to shut down to internalize things and that's the exact thing you don't want to happen because you want to continue this open safe conversations with your child especially about their adoption when they surface and so it's really important to i guess prepare yourself for something like this coming up with your adopted child or you know kid in your care so that you're prepared you know you're protecting your child and you're prioritizing your child's feelings over your own as a parent thank you so much for making it to the end of this video and i hope that you will like subscribe comment and share with your friends family and community you never know who this may might help and i hope that you will consider buying the book rooted in adoption a collection of adoptee reflections a book that i helped put together with another adoptee as well as check out rooted in adoption merchandise on etsy and redbubble a card should be popping up with some more information and i've included the links down below in the video description as well it's a great way to support my work and other adoptees work as we use any of the funds generated from these purchases from the ads playing on my videos on this video to help us continue to create content about adoption education and awareness next week on adoption education i will be answering the question what is open adoption

Channel: Shelby Redfield Kilgore

Views: 192

Rating: 5 out of 5

Keywords: adoption education, adoption awareness, adoption process, domestic adoption, foster to adopt, international adoption, domestic infant adoption, adoptee identity, adoption trauma, infant adoption, adoption and mental health, korean american adoptee, adoption resources, adoption tips, transnational adoptee, adoption advice, adoption is a lifelong journey, hopeful adoptive parent, post adoption, post adoption services, adoption documentary, transracial adoptee

Id: b0phvcCYsAQ

Length: 17min 33sec (1053 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 11 2021