ADHD Aha! | ADHD, oversharing, and mom guilt (Lacey's story)

my daughter was actually diagnosed with adhd through some evaluations with her school teachers and her primary care doctor we decided that she was going to be put on medication for it as well and going through that entire process with the evaluation and the questions that they were asking i slowly started to realize that i had a lot of those traits and i knew i needed to get myself evaluated from the understood podcast network this is adhd aha a podcast where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they or someone they know has adhd my name is laura key i'm the editorial director here at understood and as someone who's had my own adhd aha moment i'll be your host [Music] i'm here today with lacey armstrong lacey is the mother of three kids she lives in south carolina and is a marketing manager of the charlotte soccer academy she also coaches two teams has a daughter with adhd and has adhd herself welcome lacey thank you laura i'm so excited to be here tell me what it was like for candace to go through the evaluation process and what that brought up for you yeah so it was super interesting it was also really hard and difficult to deal with but she was having a lot of issues in grade school as far as reading and paying attention forgetting everything and so for years we worked with her teachers on doing just some behavior modification things extra checklists sitting in front of the class her teachers would give her extra time on tests and when we really realized that it was not working and we were having her evaluated with her primary doctor adhd came into the picture and so we realized that yeah she was diagnosed with adhd i mean it was multiple visits people think oh you just got diagnosed no it was like multiple visits to doctors multiple things that the teachers had to fill out and give to the doctors to let them know what they were experiencing in the classroom as far as her attention span and her being able to finish tasks without having to be told multiple times we filled out this questionnaire and she like answered hi in almost every category except the hyper activity she had no problem sitting in a chair like she could sit in a chair but she was not listening to you so she got diagnosed and we started her on a medication regimen for those listening there are three different types of adhd there's adhd that's predominantly hyperactive and impulsive presentation there's adhd that is predominantly inattentive presentation it sounds like that's candace right yep exactly and then the third one is adhd combined presentation but that second one that predominantly inattentive presentation is what people often refer to as 80d which add is adhd it's just it's a subtype of adhd so lacey you have adhd yes so going through those questions with candace i started realizing these questions that maybe she wasn't answering as far as the fidgeting goes and the feeling like you're on a motor and you're constantly on the go maybe she answered those no she wasn't like that i was though a hundred percent but then you also have to add in i also lose things all the time i start a task before i finish the other one i have to be reminded of what i'm doing constantly i get hyper fixated on certain hobbies so as we're going through this questionnaire with her doctors i was like oh my gosh i feel like my world is just kind of opening up and i'm understanding myself and when the doctors even ask they're like is anyone in your family adhd or add and i was like i probably am i don't know i've never been diagnosed yeah so like shortly after getting her diagnosed i got sent to a psychiatrist who in 2019 diagnosed me with the third the one that you described about the combined adhd what did that process feel like to you did you have doubts were you relieved tell me how you felt i was shocked because one i felt like everything was making sense for once in my life everyone would say how do you do everything that you do and it's not that i felt like i never had a choice it was like just a like physical impulse to be everywhere do everything run on a motor and so when i'm sitting down there with the psychiatrist that's going over these questions with me and asking me all sorts of wild things pertaining to how i grew up and my childhood everything was making sense tell me about growing up like what kinds of things were coming into place for you i was a person that was involved in every sport possible everything that i could compete in swimming lacrosse soccer anything that i could do but then also on top of that i was doing chess club chorus band anything that i could learn and challenge myself now i might not be really good at all of those things but i get hyper fixated and i'd want to do all those things also if i wasn't challenged in school i was not paying attention and i was on to the next thing which is for me it was i figured that adhd people are it's not that they're not smart and it's not that they can't finish tasks because if they're not challenged which i had a lot of i was in gt classes high level if you're not challenged you get bored and you tune everything out and that's why you get bad grades also doing homework i'm not going to do it i'm not doing homework i don't want to do it totally adhd has nothing to do with intelligence you know it's not a mark of whether or not you're quote unquote smart or not smart it's about those executive functioning skills and like task management exactly and i i was like everything i did growing up was directly related to is this going to give me enjoyment right now and if it's not i'm not doing it and if i want to break rules i'm going to break rules if i don't want to listen to this person i'm not going to like i was like oh my goodness it wasn't that i was a bad kid it was just i didn't have anything to help me with my adhd besides sports sports really really helped me and if i didn't have sports i don't even know where i would be right now totally i was a hardcore volleyball and basketball player growing up i didn't get diagnosed until i was 30 and sports i mean looking back and like what would i have done had it not been for sports yeah yeah and it's perfect for adhd people because the competition you have to be the best i feel like that's pretty common in that physical exertion just to get your brain going your dopamine going you know endorphins anything to get that naturally [Music] looking back i realized that i didn't have a lot of friends like i didn't have many close friends i always felt like kind of an outsider and i've talked to a lot of adhd people that say that that's very common for them i just i felt like i never got along with people or they didn't ever understand me tell me more about that what is it that you think was causing that or what do you think they didn't get i don't know i it could just be anxiety overall but i just always felt like i never fit in and i don't know if it was just my mind was constantly thinking while people were talking to me so i couldn't be in the moment that was something that i found out later too it's like someone was talking to me but i could not pay attention to what they were saying i was listening to what was going on in the background and i remember that was getting worse and worse as i was getting older i was like there's got to be something to stop that but i feel like maybe me not fitting in was i never was really in the moment my brain was just constantly going yeah i relate to that i was i had a high school guidance counselor who i'm still close with today she's just a wonderful woman when i told her much later in life that i have adhd she's like you know laura i remember this time that we were trying to like talk to you or interview you for something and you were running around because you couldn't figure out where you had left your backpack and you were freaking out because you didn't know where your backpack was and nobody could get you to pay attention to them because you were so hyper focused on finding your backpack she's one of those people who achieved when she retells the story she'll tell it to you every single time you talk to her oh yes and she reminds me of that every single time to me it wasn't noticeable but to her it just stuck out that's really funny you say that about the backpack because if i'm looking for something or i need to do something and then you know my kids are asking me things or my husband is asking me things oh my gosh i can't i can't focus right now okay i feel like that came out of my mouth exactly the way that you said it yes and if there's too much noise if there's too many people asking me too many questions it's like my temper just goes through the roof it's crazy and i'm like now that i'm aware i tell my husband or my kids i'm like hey guys i'm getting a little overwhelmed they're like stop don't talk to mom good for you oh my god lacey i do the exact same thing my kids are three and five and they're like mom's getting upset like okay all right we'll be quiet oh just for one second i can't even hear myself think i know and it's poor things because like my time that i get to spend with them is after work obviously and when they're back from school in preschool and my medication has worn off at that point so it's like i really have to like reign it in if i'm gonna be honest yes and not only you have to deal with mom guilt because now you're like i really do want to spend time with them and i really do want to hear about their day and i do want to listen to their little stories about whatever they want to say but a lot of adhd people need that isolation when they get done with work you can't have any more socializing it doesn't matter if it's your kids your husband you need quiet i'll find myself like in the car and it's just quiet and i'm like oh this is so nice because my brain just needs a moment to transition and i feel bad sometimes because i want to talk to my kids but i'm like i can't do it i can't mentally do it i know god i'm going to stop saying how much i'm relating to what you're saying because it's going to sound like a broken record but man like i get so excited all day to see my kids when they come home but that time when they're home and i'm finishing work i just need to walk away and bless my husband he's amazing and he knows and he helps out in that regard but yeah it's tricky yeah now is your husband adhd or neurodivergent in any way no he's just french okay so blunt and just tells it like it is okay got it i can't believe i just said that see okay so like that's a good transition because i you've mentioned before about over sharing yes okay is this a new thing for you has this been since you can remember tell me about oversharing so okay this is not a new thing but i'm newly self-aware if you will because as i was diagnosed with adhd and my daughter was diagnosed with adhd i wanted to read and learn everything there was available about adhd and behavior modification behavior therapy all kinds of things so as i'm reading through material i'm starting to read other people's stories and there's this thing that adhd people do where they just talk a lot because either it's like they're just nervous or they don't like silence or they don't want to you know they just want to keep the conversation going so over sharing is a big characteristic for adhd people at least for me it is and i now am so aware when i'm over sharing that it's like cringy i think about it afterwards i'm like oh my gosh i'm like why did i say all that that was not needed i'll tell you a story i was at the soccer fields it was after one of the games that i coached and i saw a friend of mine from an old neighborhood that i used to live in and we were just chatting and it was just a normal chat hey how are you you know casual she was like how are the kids doing i was like you know they're great i said but i think i think we're done i think we're done and i'm getting an iud next week and you know because well i wasn't going to get one you know a couple years ago because you know i had the leap procedures and i had like some stuff on you know my cervix and i was just kept going and going i was like okay when am i gonna shut up because this is like way like we're talking about i wish you guys got the kids and i'm like all of a sudden now and we're talking about my cervix i'm like really like does this need to be stated i actually relate to that too but i'm not going to explain why okay well first of all i think that more people should be open about birth control i'm just going to say that and let it go to the side this is not a podcast about birth control but okay so that happened you get home what's your thought process like how do you treat yourself after something like that happens i usually replay the conversation i'm like how did i get to talking about that and i'm like why did i does she think that that was crazy is she like wow that was personal or i mean i know her she's probably like whatever that's fine but i constantly replay it i'm like was that over sharing was that what was that what why did i say that i'm like oh that's just my adhd so then eventually i forget about it but there'll be a couple days of me just dwelling on it and then i'll tell my husband and he laughs that he thinks it's hilarious he thinks all of my oversharing stories are funny unless it's about him then he's like why did you do that like see no one is safe [Laughter] oh wow yeah so it's it's a lot of like i'm mean to myself which i'm working on and i'm working on therapy which is like constantly you know i wouldn't let my kids be mean to themselves so i have to treat myself with some kindness and some grace but i'm aware of everything i say now which is hard yeah i almost liked being like ignorant but we've written on our website about adhd and feelings of remorse and how that feeling of remorse can be like you can perseverate or get obsessed with feeling bad about what you've done when you do something that especially now you have this self-awareness right which is beautiful exactly you over shared you maybe were a little bit impulsive and sharing information and then because you're aware of it you come home and you like you ruminate on it right you spin yes and that can be related to trouble with managing emotions which is also part of adhd yes absolutely can be a vicious cycle and i want to control it i just can't and so what i feel like i need to do is give myself more grace and understand it's okay to overshare and that's who you are i mean honestly i'm very authentic i truly believe that but sometimes i'm like people don't always appreciate your authentic self and have you heard of masking where adhd people mask who they are so that way they feel accepted and maybe oh tying back into how i said i felt like i didn't belong so i felt like i was constantly masking i was trying to be relatable so now that i'm trying to be my authentic self i'm like okay that's who i am i'm impulsive as long as i'm not hurting anyone i think that's just who i am and i have to learn to appreciate and love that about myself and that maybe like you said we do need to talk about birth control or whatever we want to talk about you know yeah first of all i bet people love that about you one thing i love about adhd it brings a lot of spice of life right yes hey it brought you here i'm grateful that you're here i am too and it really is nice i mean you know you keep saying that you relate to that but for me it feels good to hear that because then i know that i'm not alone and that it's not just a me thing and that there are the people that feel exactly how i feel i mean that feels really good to be related to so we have the numbers and we are powerful lacie [Music] i want to talk more about candace and i want to hear about your relationship with candace does she know that you have adhd as well yes i remember telling her that i was going to go get tested for adhd as well and she was like you are she was very excited for me and i feel like we've been closer since i was diagnosed and now we can both talk about we've had medicine increases both of us because i started on a very low dose and it's only been you know three years and she started on a low dose we've had medicine increases and medicine isn't the end it's not the key to adhd it's just something to help you right it's just a tool and so we still have a lot of things that we forget and that we can't correct you know we just have to be aware of it and so when she forgets things like the other day literally my husband went to go pick up her soccer bag from her dad's house she gets back to the house and her cleats aren't in the bag so then we have to go back to the house to go get it and this just happened yesterday this is i mean but it's constant and so we both are like aware of that and say it's okay because we both have adhd we both are forgetting things and we can commiserate together so it definitely has brought us closer i look back on it now and i'm very thankful that i was diagnosed later in life to be able to tell her like it's all good you know it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you she's something that we're going to both work on together and we laugh at each other a lot that's awesome you have that little shorthand yes we do and we'll be like oh my adhd is acting up again and she laughs and even my younger kids like they laugh and my middle child's very serious and he will say does it make you sad that you have adhd and that you forget everything and i'm like no i'm like because i forget sometimes that i have adhd so no i know it doesn't make me sad lacey it was so nice to have you here seriously so much fun to talk to i relate to so much of your story thanks for coming by same likewise it was so nice to talk to someone that relates to everything that i'm going through so thank you for having me and letting me be a part of your podcast [Music] you've been listening to adhd aha from the understood podcast network you can listen and subscribe to adhd aha on apple spotify or anywhere you get your podcasts and if you like what you heard today tell someone about the show we rely on listeners like you to reach and support more people and if you want to share your own aha moment email us at adhdaha understood.org i'd love to hear from you you can go to u.org adhd aha to find details on each episode and related resources that's the letter u as an understood dot o r g slash adhd aha understood as a non-profit and social impact organization we have no affiliation with pharmaceutical companies learn more at understood.org mission adhd aha is produced by jessamine mali say hi jessamine hi everyone justin d wright created our music seth melnick and brianna berry are our production directors scott cochier is our creative director and i'm your host laura key editorial director at understood thanks so much for listening [Music] you

Channel: Understood

Views: 2,550

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Id: 1PhvmZ1_QtU

Length: 20min 4sec (1204 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 29 2022