Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Demonstration Richard Bennett

[Music] so [Music] [Music] okay all right so um before we begin can i can i just ask what your your towards and away moves might look like over the next 20 minutes so um let's start with the towards stuff so if this feels like a helpful rewarding conversation that you're happy to to be a part of how how will i know uh emotions probably uh just the feedback i'm giving you like things like i'm feeling acknowledged or i see things differently now or yeah you're right i mean with the phone i was like yeah things like that okay i think okay and if if the opposite is true if uh mentioned very connection as well okay yeah and if the opposite happens like you think wow this is a bad idea and you know get me out of here how how will i notice that i think when i feel unsafe too vulnerable and i know and i don't think that's going to happen but that's probably it i think what do you do though what would i see if you do feel unsafe or too long i think you would see it non-verbally and i would talk myself out of it i i would try to my way out of it i think okay once you lean back with your arms across yeah thank you for the great webinar it was so great to meet you again richard and then yeah we're gonna just cut the the part with me in it and just leave the interview for so something like that okay all right and is it okay if i see any of that stuff is it okay for me to just bring it to your attention do anything so what would you like to focus on for the next 20 minutes i'm i'm guessing we're gonna talk about some kind of self story yeah yeah i tried to really be open about everything and what i wanted to talk about i think and i don't really know who i am i think that's that's my biggest issue i don't know who i am and i can't really relate to my parents my father was a very evil man and he died five six years ago but it still feels like he's um like my roots are not who i am or want to be maybe i know too well who i am i don't know want to be who i think i am and i have this idealistic idea of who i want to be which is like some some superman guy does everything right so i actually don't i can't i don't feel my roots um okay so i mean that's a what a wonderful thing that that humans can do like you can we can compare ourselves to someone who doesn't even exist like an idealized version of ourselves and and come up short yes we we can be we can make a negative comparison to something that doesn't even exist um i think my dog is not bothered by that kind of thing just happily my own doctor it's really he's so open and he's so he doesn't have that yeah really very good very good at mindfulness yeah just yeah very good at being where they are and they don't worry about how their careers are going to pan out or whether there's going to be food in the bowl tomorrow am i good enough yeah right yeah so for you there's there's a sort of like i suppose what i what i noticed as you were talking is this little like it's a bit of a mystery a bit of something kind of missing or like a i don't know a formula that doesn't quite add up yeah and like whilst you're talking about a kind of like almost like a missing story like a missing episode or something that's been wiped in a way i suppose i was thinking that is also a story isn't it it's like it's it's it's about i don't know who i am story like like you're supposed to have figured it all out and yeah and you haven't and there's some sort of negative judgment about that yeah sure just like you i'm trying to discover who i am and everybody i relate to i don't want to be uh only my grandfather but i never knew him but every story i hear about him it's like yeah that's me that's me okay that's that's typically i mean even the things he said i say them exactly the same so there was a big relief as well when i first heard those stories about him and it was only six months ago for the first time that i heard stories about my grandfather i immediately thought oh i know that guy that's that's i know my a little bit of my my roots my my my genes i i don't know i don't know how to sorry from coherent yeah it's the emptiness and it's the not knowing or not wanting to know maybe that's that's really difficult so i judged myself all the time yeah okay yeah and do you do you feel like you like i suppose tell me if i'm way off but i guess why what i'm picking up which might be wrong but um is it just a sort of a sense of like a demand almost that i should know and i should figure it out i should have some kind of coherent kind of narrative about who i am and yeah why haven't i sorted this out already yeah because there is a lot of emptiness and loneliness there right not knowing and a lot of longing for belongingness the connection and things i missed in my youth and now i'm trying really hard to be a connective guy but i often feel in doing that and i see myself struggling and i see myself wanting to be more to do more and every time it's not good enough right okay so this is it's so interesting how often it comes back here with people just that some version of this not good enough story like um yeah somehow lacking somewhere yeah and in your case it's sort of i haven't figured this out i haven't put the pieces together about who i am and therefore i'm not good where i have to be some kind of super yeah person super villain maybe do you wanna do you wanna hear my kelly wilson impression yes please okay i feel it feels relevant right now i'm probably gonna guess right at the same time okay you should appreciate your client as if they were sunset are not a math problem that's really good but people know kelly wilson just it's really good impression yeah so what what do you think kelly's getting at when he says that about not being the could you so it's the spirit that i want to bring to this moment right is to model that which is that i would like to relate to you as if you were a sunset and and not a maths problem so i don't feel like i want to join you in the let's figure that figure heist out story narrative oh yeah i would like to stand in front of you like i stand in front of the sunset which is i don't stand there going it's all right this sunset but if only if it was a bit more pink up there and a bit more blue over there it would be so much better you know i just sort of stand in front of the sunset and just go wow that's a beautiful thing doesn't need figuring out it doesn't need changing or fixing my mind is immediately going like i couldn't be there i couldn't be there okay good good noticing what do you mean you couldn't be that by what it i couldn't be that constant i couldn't be that beautiful i couldn't be that pure i couldn't be that uh [Music] not guilty is that something like that so so i i've introduced into our discussion the idea of you just sort of well through my eyes at least you just being kind of okay as you are without and and like i'm happy to relate to you as i find you and i don't feel like i need a back story or i don't particularly need to figure out exactly what's going on and why i'm just happy to become and i suppose i'm i'm putting that out there to you as a somewhat provocatively because i'm thinking that maybe if you could see me seeing you like that maybe you could start to see yourself in the same way yeah but i guess me putting it out there has really made your mind kick off my mind is going but my heart is going like okay okay okay so it's really uh it's it's yeah and i always had this i we talked about this i mean uh also with you i have this like well he's one of the best therapists in the world and so i'm always placing myself lower and that's i hate that man right but it really it's it's a beautiful thing and thank you for seeing me like that you're very welcome well what how about i even believe you good i even believe you how do you do that well how are you doing i think that would be a good question i guess we're tapping into a part of you that believes it right that there's a that maybe you're okay as you are without the need to figure everything out maybe you could just put one foot in front of the other and do the best you can without having to to worry too much about exactly where you come from or how it all fits together it's really interesting because i now constantly just see that sun going behind the water and knowing this the sun is still there like a constant could we do something just in the last five minutes or so have you got a piece of paper and a pen um so i wonder if you could when when this thing is at its worst this what's that what's the and and i don't want you to tell me i just want you to write it down for yourself but what's the what's the worst judgment that your mind says about who you are i'm gonna write the same thing for me dad and i'm gonna i'm gonna model like how i carry this so this one did right i immediately folded this piece of paper up i wrote my worst judgment and i folded it up and i'm gonna fold it again as if by some magic that if i didn't fold it then everybody would would read it so this because this is how i hold this judgment and and it's like i scrunch it up and and i you know if if i had underwear i'd put it in there you know it's like i just want to i want to kind of keep it away from other people and i don't want anyone to see it so this is kind of like how i hold my sort of shameful judgmental story like what what's yours like show me how you would carry yours what is it what is it like for you i think i think it would be like very like very strong like a i wouldn't want to hold it because i would want to see it so it doesn't slip away that people can see it but i'm kind of like like this like okay and i'm gonna okay i think i'm gonna be like this like just to keep people at a distance sure so okay so like this right and so i'm like this what do you can i ask you just for a really honest reflection what is it like so you've said some really nice things about me tonight which i'm very grateful and i want you to know there's another side of me that you don't know and i don't want you to know because if you did know i'd find it hard to look you in the eye and i walk around with this piece of me like like this what is that like for you to see me saying that there's a part of me that i don't want you to find out about well i notice you you're putting it i mean almost on your heart so it has to be really close it has to be really really difficult really personal you have to be really protective about it i think yes it has to be something big and i think the way i feel is i hope uh not in a verbal way you can forgive yourself that's not what i mean but i think i've already seen who you i i don't know you that well but i i'm just gonna go on on a limb here and say i think i know you well enough to know that that's okay okay all right thank you that's that's interesting so what i observed from you if we could do this in the other direction is like is you're like this yeah right which is kind of like it's like you're about to punch someone it's like back off keep stay away yeah that's it i've got this thing and and you're not you're not getting to see it i don't want you to see it and i suppose what i noticed was feeling kind of sad like a little sad that that on the one hand level really i felt really like you were doing a very generous thing for everybody like sort of showing us that there's this other part of you that's hard and difficult to be with but but i felt sort of sad because my interactions with you thus far have been really quite open and and then there's this i've now i sort of get to see there's this other part where you sort of wanted to keep people up at bay and what i felt was how tiring that must be yeah to like keep people at arm's length like that and i guess i felt sad that for someone who's just said you wanted to be really connected that there's something about this that feels quite disconnecting yeah absolutely i know it's feeling quite sad about that yeah i'm pretty sad about that too if you have another piece of paper there would you would you write because obviously you don't know what's on my piece of paper so you're just going to have to kind of um write something just bright rich's pain or which is shame or something um if we were in a room together what i would do is we would swap pieces of paper but we can't do that so we're just going to have to do something kind of similar um so i'm gonna i've got this other piece of paper which is gonna be uh heisi's difficult thing big secret yeah so i would how would you like let's assume i shared that with you how would you like to hold that for me show me how you would want to hold it i would even i mean i wouldn't even i think i would do like like so i wouldn't even make a little thingy out of it it would be like i think it would be like like this okay i think i would be something like this so what i'm thinking of what is like you know when a little bird has flown into your window and it's it's outside and you want to go rescue it and they're so light aren't they and you want to pick it up before the cats get it and so it's like that kind of a thing like this is a sort of delicate precious thing that i want to i want to hold i want to look i want to keep it secure for you but i don't want to squash it i just want to kind of hold it and keep it yeah keep it safe so so let me ask you what is it like for you to see me holding your difficult thing like this and instead of like this scary it's it doesn't feel like uh not safe or not not good but it's it's not i'm not used to it and not use it and i'm having the feeling like okay it's okay now you can give it back now it's okay it's okay thank you thank you for holding there right that you want to wrestle control back therapy is over thank you so much yeah i feel that and i also feel uh i think i feel a real connection with you now i think as before i always had this connection with who's richard bennett who is one of the best animators in the world oh i'm gonna so i said it feels really mutual now okay and i i guess i feel something similar like you're you're holding my thing you're like out in front of you like it's really far out in front of you which is it's sort of like you're not you don't want to hide it in the same way that i want to hide it yes makes me i guess so what i feel is sort of like i'm getting a sense of acceptance off of you like this is an okay thing and you don't mind having it out front there yeah you don't want to hide it away which feels scary [Music] but also i feel quite moved by that like you would you would be willing to hold it out front for me yeah but you're not as frightened or controlled by it as i am the the feeling you're giving me if is that i don't know what it is but i know it's okay well that's interesting because it i guess i'm having a similar thing like i don't i don't care what's written on yours right now well i don't mean like getting it i don't care okay but it wouldn't make a difference to me i think is the point i'm trying to make it wouldn't make a difference to how i see you yeah like i guess everybody has the their things they have their difficult things and they have pieces of their history that they don't like and and it doesn't define you you know define any of us so i'm going to ask you to do one last thing which is to pick up the first piece of paper your piece of paper and you hold it like uh like i was holding it like you were like you were like yeah what would it be like for you to try carrying it like that scary we've already established that people then come pretty close just people are there so yeah i don't have it here anymore i haven't here if you could if you could do one thing in the next week that was about you holding it like this and not like that what might that thing be that is a really good question i think i know but i don't really want to share that okay is that okay of course yeah yeah what would you do one thing that would you yeah would you would you be able to commit like make a promise to yourself mr sunset yeah you will uh treat yourself into that thing whatever it is yes i'm going to tell you in private all right you can why don't i tell you what why don't you why don't you email me when you've done it yeah and if you want to tell me the details you can and if you if you don't then you don't have to okay thank you richard anything you would want to say in conclusion just leave the last word to you oh well i did this exercise with you actually in seville i think and you did it with a secret and then you really had the opportunity to to just swap because we're not here physically now and that also had a great impact on me and also the sunset i i knew the exercise but when you were the way you were looking at me it was like then it really it was like in my head i knew everything but then because we were doing it it was like like just going into my heart so and it really felt like this i i never posed like this with my secret and when i did this i really thought oh this is really the way i do that that's really aggressive that's really and the loneliness you described is really yeah spot on so thank you for that you're very welcome i hope it was helpful to you okay and thank and thank you i mean thank thank you for being willing to do that i mean what a what a cool thing that is to to being willing to show yourself like that for in in the interest of everybody else learning for the first time treats my colleagues as equals yeah if if people would like to offer heist any reinforcement in the chat you know say thank you then you are more than welcome [Music] you

Channel: ACT Guide

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Id: JRVetPOsiew

Length: 27min 25sec (1645 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 09 2022