a self-identity crisis

[Music] you've been blessed with the opportunity to embody limitless potential so imagine without limit let every action be deliberate don't get so caught up in who you are now [Music] you're already better for wanting to be better i just want to quickly say that this video is sponsored by skillshare a huge thank you to skillshare for sponsoring this video and also supporting this channel skillshare if you haven't heard of them are an online learning platform they offer thousands of different courses and classes that you can take online recently i've been attending a course called creating your dream career which is all about unlocking and applying your creative strengths it is by an amazing teacher called holly colley murchison um huge shout out to holly you are a life changer there are eight different classes i really recommend this course now if you are interested in any of that learning something a little bit different the first a thousand people to click the link in the top line of my description will get a free trial of the skillshare premium membership and the national app is only around 10 a month [Music] hello welcome back welcome back to to this whatever the status of our relationship is at this point i'm no longer a blonde i went through two years of kind of being like very i don't know who i thought i was i literally don't know why i went through that phase i'm very much a person that has phases in my life it's like when i was like 14 i went through a year of wearing fedoras and waistcoats i'm not lying i have photographic evidence i'm not going to show you i weirdly feel more powerful as brunette um i don't think that's for any reason i'm sure actually that's probably because of some kind of weird male sexism about brunettes and blondes that's kind of bled its way onto me and my perception of myself or my own power but you know we're not gonna start this video straight away by talking about the patriarchy i have just talked about my hair for the first 30 seconds of this video um purposely um because i was trying to distract you from the fact that i've not made any content now in seven months welcome back to this little safe space on the internet um if anyone's i kind of i have this thing where sometimes i take like really like dramatically long breaks from making any content and then before i upload again i just assume that like no one is going to watch anything because everyone's just kind of forgotten that i exist which to be honest like i would i'd be like yeah that's like that makes sense like that's fine i wouldn't like i feel like i wouldn't be offended by that i'd kind of be like you know what let's all move on i'm only really processing 2020 now um 2020 was really weird and don't worry i'm not going to talk about the pandemic and covered for this video i kind of just i'm trying to provide context as to like why i'm mentally where i am now i don't know how the pandemic was dealt with where you live actually i do know um it was dealt better than the uk basically what we had was periods of hugely intense national lockdowns and then we went through this weird like tier system where basically the higher the rate of covered in your area and the more restrictions so if you had loads of covid in your area you'd be in like a tier four if you have no covert in your area you'd be in like a tier two and the higher your tier the more restrictions you had on like who you could go and see now when i explain it that might make sense but when you're like living in the moment and there isn't great communication of like how those tier system works it's a little bit stressful my point here is that 2020 was basically just one huge ride of adrenaline i don't think i ever slept i was always just like keeping an eye out for selena i was always kind of just like always awake i didn't have a good night of sleep in 2020. i've only priced i'm only starting to process it now it's all kind of coming down on me quite fast [Music] i did research on my personality type you might have heard of the myers-briggs personality test i'm entp but i kind of want to focus on the e which stands for extrovert i am definitely an extroverted person now you could be watching this and you could also know you're an extrovert you could know that you're an introvert i probably have always known that i'm a bit of an extrovert the reason why i know i'm an extrovert is because i feel like my most dynamic and at my most empowered and at my most energized when i'm around people and i'm working in a team environment and like we're all hustling together to get to this big deadline and goal and it's very social i think that's actually where i'm at my most successful i mean that's another reason why i chose the job i'm in um the idea of constant collaboration and so i think something i've experienced a lot over the past 12 months now how long has this been going on for for a really long time i lost a lot of my enthusiasm for life that sounds really dramatic and i'm going to explain that a bit more i had huge amounts of imposter syndrome which is something i've not experienced since i was at law school and i've talked about on this channel before about not feeling like i'm qualified or good enough to be doing the job that i'm doing um i was apathetic towards things i'd wake up in the morning and i just wouldn't really want to get out of bed i felt really low for longer periods of time that i had ever experienced before and at the same time as as feeling all of that um there was less and less that i could distract myself with you're alone in a room and you can't just go and catch up with mates and recharge you can't have a catch-up with your team at work and recharge i think for the first time in a long time i could no longer class myself as busy i was no longer legitimately busy i mean i don't really believe in the word busy because i think busy is just personal prioritization of time i no longer felt like i had that daily weekly monthly purpose um which actually as humans is is so incredibly important to feel like you're waking up to serve a purpose to be somewhat of like a cog in the world machine and that you are adding value and so instead of being super busy um instead i think i had a lot of time to think about everything else that perhaps my previous busyness had distracted me from and i had never realized that it had been distracting me from [Music] the first lockdown was definitely when i had the first real acknowledgement and acceptance of my own sexuality which maybe you weren't expecting this video to turn in that direction where you it's literally like we're going in one direction what i have known for quite a long time that i haven't been straight i'm gonna try and explain what that means um i don't think i knew that i was queer but i kind of nothing ever worked out when i tried to what i tried to date men in a very heterosexual way it never worked out i didn't therefore presume that i was gay i don't think i acknowledged that for way too long weirdly for example for me i would just date men and just assume that that's what dating felt like i would never have butterflies i would never feel really nervous about someone or excited about someone or i'd never really want to sleep with men and i just thought oh like maybe that's me maybe i'm broken like you just put a lot of that blame on yourself because you just assume that's the way the world works and you don't fit into the world and therefore you're the problem after i graduated i went traveling and i moved to london and i think i started putting putting the dots together a bit more i was definitely surrounded by probably a more diverse group of people and um i had a lot more experiences of meeting people who were so confident in their sexuality that made me think oh that's that's probably what i am that's probably why that's never worked for me now for anyone watching this who maybe hasn't ever questioned their gender or their sexuality um i can't really describe how that can affect your sense of identity i think it's because we live in an extremely cisgendered heteronormative world which means that um if you're straight great as soon as you start to figure out that you're probably a bit different um you suddenly don't know what that means for who you are as a person and so when i got to lockdown march 2020 um i dated girls um i dated girls for one to two years before that but i had never fully ever given all of myself to anyone that i was dating because i hadn't fully accepted myself and i think it took a freaking pandemic it literally took a pandemic and too many hours in my own room to think i cannot stop myself any longer from being happy and finding happiness with someone and so i decided after like a month of being locked down by myself as soon as we had like slight restrictions at all on who we could see that i was gonna go on a date and i was gonna try and be really confident in who i was and accepting of of myself and i did and i now have a girlfriend which is crazy and pretty cool like [Music] i'm really excited for what we might make on this channel this year and what we can talk about and what we can reflect on in the world some of the most significant economic political and social events in like the last 20 years occurred and i wasn't able to talk about them and we weren't able to discuss it so i'm formally inviting you back to this little safe space on the internet and follow me on all my socials for updates on when those new little videos are out um but until then we're going to keep thriving and i will see you all very very soon did i say sun see you all very very soon soon sun sun and moon remember you're only in competition with who you were every obstacle is an opportunity to dismiss where you've been so if you're still unsure and who you are you can always be certain in who you will be

Channel: Eve Cornwell

Views: 369,358

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Id: 4PeXUSNgfv0

Length: 11min 46sec (706 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 14 2021