OK.
Ready? Mm-hmm. One, two, th-- [CLICK]
- Uh-oh. Wait. That just kind of
came out on its own. Yeah, that slipped
right out, huh? - I barely pulled that.
- Whoa. I barely pulled it.
[CLICK] [GASPS] What? Damn, dude.
- That's another-- Man, you should really
brush your teeth more because that is not normal.
[CLICK] Oh! Oh, Charlie, stop pulling
your teeth out like that, man. - They're just coming right out.
- It's freaking me out. And then they, like,
slip right out, dude. It's really freaking me out. [KNOCKING] Oh, shit. - Oh, shit.
- Do you think that's my dad? - Of course it's your dad, dude.
- Shh. DEE: Charlie, open up. We got a dick hole in the bar. I need you to come fill it in. [SIGHS] OK. I got to go fill
her dick hole, bro. OK.
No, no. Bro, come on.
We don't have time. - Huh?
- OK. Uh, audible. Grab the camera.
- Uh-huh. Is Dee's car outside? Uh, yes. OK.
Great. We'll steal it. We'll use it as a part
of "Blaze of Glory." - Mm-hmm.
- OK. [CLICK]
- Oh. Ah!
- OK. Charlie, now you got to stop.
You really got to stop. Just give them to me.
Give me all the teeth. OK?
I got them in my pocket. OK. Shh. Huh?
Hey. What the-- [THUD]
- OK. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
DEE: Mac! Mac!
- Ah! [GLASS SHATTERING] DEE: [SHOUTING] Why would you do that? Huh?
I don't know. It's all happening so fast, man. You could have just opened it. Well, that's true.
That's true, I guess. I'll fire you
through that window. All right.
Grab the camera. Grab the--
- Yeah. No! [GLASS SHATTERING] I was coming over to see
if I could take your chair. What?
No. What for? I'm trying to accommodate
that gentleman over there. Oh, god damn it. Oh, that's a dig.
All right. Fine.
Take the chair. But I tell you what,
when you're over there, tie his shoelaces together. [LAUGHS] You want me to tie a
customer's shoelaces together? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I'm in the biz, guy. I'm a waitress.
OK? Look, let's team up and
stick it to that guy. It'll be hilarious. I would lose my job. [CRIES MOCKINGLY]
(MOCKINGLY) Oh, no. I would lose my job. And I wouldn't be able to
work at Guigino's anymore. And my family-- they would be
so disappointed because they're currently so proud of
my accomplishments. (NORMALLY) I mean,
god, lighten up, guy. [LAUGHS] I'm going to take the chair. Fine, take the goddamn chair. Just don't make a big scene. [CHAIR SQUEAKING] There's this guy Bruce who
contacted Dee on Myspace. And he's claiming to be
our biological father. We just wanted
to ask the question and just get it out of the way. Is there a chance that
that could be possible? No. Yes What? Well, Bruce who? Bruce Mathis? Yeah. Then yes. There's a chance this
guy could be our father? No. Yes, he is your father. What the hell are
you talking about? Do we really have to
get into all of this? Oh, my god.
Yes. FRANK: Yes, we really have
to get into of all of this. Fine, fine, fine. Everybody, settle down. It's not the end of the world. A long time ago, I met Bruce. And we had this little
affair, or whatever you want to call it. Long story short,
he got me pregnant. And I had to make a decision. Seeing as he had no money, I
decided that the best thing for everyone was if I didn't
tell Bruce and let your father think that the twins were his. End of story. It's pretty high.
It's good. It's excellent. This is going to be great. You better jump quick before
somebody tries to stop you. Trust me, no one's
going to try and stop me. MAN: Jump, asshole! Yeah. See, in the big city, nobody
cares whether you live or die. Jump, you pussy! Right. Have a nice day. OK. So I'm going to run
to the end, book as fast as I can to the
fence, climb up to the top, stop, climb back down to safety. That's it. So you're not going to jump? I don't jump.
OK? Why does everybody think I jump? Nobody jumps. Evel Knievel didn't jump. Johnny Knoxville doesn't jump. OK? This is big Hollywood stuff. OK? Just stand back. I don't want you to get hurt. Let me handle it. I was figuring maybe
I should move back into my old room
for a little while until I get back up on my feet. Mm. Well, I don't think that's
going to work out, Charlie. Why not? I had to sublet your
room to Uncle Jack. Is that why he's here? Hey. Charlie. Times are tough. And the economy is so bad. I needed to get more
money in in order to make the house payments. What are you talking about? You don't make house payments. You own this house. You've owned it for years. Mom, that's crazy. You collect Social Security. - I need money.
- Hey. Let's do this.
MANDY: Oh. [GROANS] Uh, Frank, where's
the millionaire? I am the millionaire. I'm the guy. What? Mandy, here's what
we're going to do. I'm going to make you
a decent proposal-- not an indecent proposal
like in the movie. Because I think to pay $1
million bucks to get laid-- [BLOWS RASPBERRY] That's
out of the question. I'm going to offer you $5,000. What are you doing, Frank? Look, I'm going
to give you $5,000. We bang. You take the money.
You go up. You get on a plane. You fly to wherever the
hell it is in the sticks. And, you know, $5,000
goes a long way up there. If you need more
money, you call me up. Come back. We bang again. The price goes down
because I already had you. But if you want to
bring a girlfriend, pew, the price goes back up. [INHALES] Well, I don't know
what to say here. I do. 5 grand is a lot of money. Is that offer just
out on the table? I'm going to go to the can
and make my morning move. You want the cash,
you come on in. Earn it the hard way. OK? If the broad comes,
order me an egg. Well, here's something
to remember me by. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. What are you doing? MAN: What the hell
are you doing? I'm making out with
the woman I love. What the hell are
you talking about? That's Dad's dog. You're making out with my dog! Dog? [BARK]
Oh, shit. [LICKS] Oh, no. [AMBIENT SOUND EFFECTS]
I'm Cricket. BELL (VOICEOVER): I'm Bell.
- Well, that's a nice name. BELL (VOICEOVER):
You smell like piss. Your shoes smell
like rotten eggs. - Lemons.
- Screw you guys. CRICKET (VOICEOVER): Hey! You smell of shoes? (SINGING) Beauty and the beast. Beauty and the beast. (ECHOING) I'm in love. I'm in love. Huh. Hey, buddy. Haven't seen you for a bit. Well, you've probably
been staying inside to avoid this heat wave, huh? Boy, it's been hot. It's hot, huh? Yeah. It is super hot. Yeah. It's getting real
hot around here. So hot, Wally. But you don't really
know what hot is, do you? Hot is a storm. [UNDOING BELT BUCKLE] Have you ever been
in a storm, Wally? I mean a real storm-- not a thunderstorm, but a
storm of fists raining down on your head, blasting
you in the face, pummeling you in
the stomach, hitting you in the chest
so hard you think your heart's going to stop. Have you ever been in a
storm like that, Wally? [DEMONIC SCREAM] MAC: Dennis. Dennis. You OK, dude? My sister wants to
ask you something. - What?
- She's mute, dude. Mute? [SIGHS] OK. What? She wants to show
you her boobies. What?
No. - No.
- No. - No.
- No. Trust me. They're top notch.
- God damn it. - That's disgusting.
- God damn it. What is wrong with you people--
- That's your sister. - --all of you?
- Hey, man. There's nothing wrong with us. We're just expressing ourselves. Society is the problem. Where do you keep your pledge? - Get out of here.
- Get the hell out of here. Go away.
Go with your brother and sister. - Take a walk.
- I don't want to live with her. Ugh. Mom, why not? She smells. I know she smells. OK. You can't talk about
my mom like that. DENNIS: OK.
- You don't smell. And you look beautiful.
DENNIS: OK. OK? I think what
Charlie's mom is trying to say is that Mrs. Mac has a
unique and earthy fragrance. I smell like shit. OK, Mom. Don't put yourself down.
OK? We talked about this. You know, perhaps we could
get Mrs. Mac some perfume? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. That's not a bad idea. Mrs. Mac, what do you say? What better way to kick
off this new relationship than with a new fragrance? Stop talking to me
like I'm an asshole. Yeah. She can't smoke in here. I know, Mom. Uh, smoking--
- OK. OK.
OK. Well, that's-- well now,
Mrs. Mac, I would never ask you to give up tobacco. But what if you were to
switch to some sort of smokeless tobacco alternative? [GROANS] I know that grunt. She's open to it. DENNIS: OK. So what do we say we do a little
bit of a trial run tonight? Let's see what happens. And then we'll
take it from there. OK. [GROANS] That means "absolutely."
