A Lady of Letters

[Music] [Music] I can't say the service was up to scratch its smacked of the conveyor belt in fact I wrote to the crematorium I said I thought the hallmark of a ceremony of that nature was reverence but as the word that kept coming into my mind was brisk moreover I added grief-stricken people do not expect to emerge from the chapel of rest to find grown men skulking in the rhododendrons with turbans in their mouths if the hearse drivers must smoke then facilities should be provided I'd heard good reports of this crematorium but I hope that they would agree with me that on this occasion it had let itself down of course if it happened to be heartbroken I'd have felt much worse I didn't let on to the crematorium because I thought it might get them off the hook but actually didn't or all that well I used to see I get another 37 and we'd pass the time of day she lost her mother round about the time I lost mine she had a niece in Australia and I have the one cousin in Canada then she went in for gas-fired central heating just a few weeks before I did so one way another we'd covered a lot of the same ground and spent years thinking she was called Hamersley which was way off the mark because a name turns out to be Pringle there was a picture of in the Evening Post she'd been a big voluntary worker with details of the funeral on the Wednesday afternoon which is the one time I'm dangling her feet a bit so I thought I'd get out my little maroon coat and put in an appearance at least it's an outing and I was glad I'd gone but as I say the ceremony was a bit lackluster and topped off by these young fellas smoking so I thought the least I could do was write anyway a charming letter back from the Director of Operations and mr. Widdop he said he was most grateful that I had drawn this matter to his attention and while he was aware the practice sometimes went on if he personally caught anybody's smoking he jumped culprits with both feet he knew I would appreciate the discipline within the chapel precincts presented special problems because it wasn't always convenient to tear a strip of somebody when they were grief stricken people knocking about what he personally preferred to do was to keep a low profile then come down on the offenders like a ton of bricks once the coast was clear with regard to my remarks about facilities they had no plans to provide a smoking area in the Chapel of rest in the foreseeable future as I must understand that space was at a premium and top of their list of priorities of the present moment was the provision of a temporary temple for the use of racial minorities however he would bear my remarks in mind and if I were to come across and his similar infringement in the future I was not to hesitate to get in touch I wrote him a little letter back thanking him for his prompt and courteous reply saying that though I hoped not to be making any further visits to the crematorium in the near future joke I took his point I also dropped a line to the relatives care of the Undertaker's saying I was an acquaintance of miss Pringle had been present at the ceremony and had taken the liberty of entering into a correspondence with the crematorium over the unfortunate lapse and closed a copy of mr. widows reply but they didn't write back which I can understand because the one thing the death always entails is a mass of Correspondence when mother dad had fifty three letters besides they may not have even seen them smoking they were probably blinded with grief see we've got a new couple moved in opposite don't look very promising the kid he looks filthy card from the opticians this morning saying that their records indicate that it's two years since they supplied me with spectacles and that by now they would almost certainly be in need of verification and suggesting I call at my earliest convenience I thought that was nice so I took my trusty pictogram and dashed off an and so forth with I said I thought it was very considerate of them to have kept me in mind and while I was quite satisfied with my spectacles at the present moment I was grateful to them for drawing the matter to my attention and in the event of my noticing any deterioration I wouldn't do cause get in touch with them stood made good stead as that pen mother bought it for me the last time she was able to get over to Harrogate it's been a real friend an Jian Amos heard him shout over as I went by on route for the post-office he was laid out underneath his car wanting a spanner and she came at Kitty in one hand transistor in another thin little thing bruised on its arm I thought well you've got a car you've got a transistor it's about time he invested in some curtains she can't be more than 20 and by the look of us she's expecting another I passed the place where there was the broken step I wrote to the council was a danger to the public it'll ramp their now access for the disabled but ever a pass I think well that's thanks to you Irene my little monument that ramp and his some dog had gone and done its business right in the middle of it I'm sure there's more of that than they used to be had a little away day to London last year and it was dog dirt everywhere I spotted someone the pavement right outside Buckingham Palace I wrote to the Queen about it had a charming letter back from a lady in waiting saying that Her Majesty appreciated my interest and that my letter had been passed on to the appropriate authority the upshot eventually is I get a long letter from the chief cleansing officer of Westminster City Council apologizing profusely and enclosing a rundown of their highways and maintenance budget that's been my experience generally people are only too grateful to have these things pointed out the key note is participation of course I wrote back to thank him then blow me if I didn't get another letter back thanking me for mine so I wrote back saying I hadn't been expecting another letter and there was no need to have written again and was this an appropriate use of public resources they didn't even bother to reply typical just waiting for the paper coming not that there's much in it the correspondence I initiated on the length of the Archbishop of Canterbury's hair seems to have gone off the boil till I wrote up to live letters nobody had actually spotted it various people took up the cudgels until there was an impassioned letter from the rural Dean of Halifax who has a beard and that seems to have put the tin hat on it was getting dark a couple opposite just having their tea no cloth on there must have put the kitty to bed I'm gonna put the milk bottle out I heard it crying Abba do you see television table tennis art it's just a holiday camp do you wonder this crime people say well what can you do well you can get on to your MP for a start I do regularly got an answer to one letter only this morning and written drawing his attention to a hitherto unnoticed factor in the rise in crime namely the number of policemen these days of wear glasses what chance would they have against a determined assailant he noted my comments and promised to make them known in the proper quarter his labour but it's always very good note paper and beautifully typed after dusted round and amid jobs had a walk onto the end and bought a little packet of pork sausage and some puzzled and bond big black hair in the sausage so I wrote off to the makers in clothes in the hair stuck it under a bit of sellotape little arrow this is the hair I emphasized I didn't want a substitute packet because it was clearly manufactured on their own hygienic conditions so would they kindly send me a refund of the purchase price and the cost of postage I don't want inundating with sausage keep wondering about the kiddie opposite I haven't seen it for a week or two and they're out all the time every single night they go off and the kiddie doesn't go and nobody comes in to sit it can't be more than five where did they get the money to go out that's what I'd like to know because he's not working spends all day tinkering with that car no to be a bit less of the car and a bit more of the kiddie never plays out and they want fresh air do kiddies it's a well-known fact they don't hear it crying now nothing I've never seen a cloth on teapots stuck their milk bottle it'll surprise me if they're married he has a tattoo anyway my mother knew everybody in this street she could reel off the occupants of every single house everybody could once upon a time now they come and they go that's why these tragedies happen nobody watching if the knew they were being watched they might behave I'll talk to next doors about it only there hasn't been any contact since that business over the dispense and this other side's Asians so they won't know what's normal and what isn't though of a feeling he's been educated and their kiddies are always beautifully turned out just wish they'd do something about their privet shut up go and have a word with the doctor drop a hint there somehow there used to be just one doctor now they've all amalgamated so it's a bit of a lucky dip young fella I said it was getting upset like I did before before what he said I said it's in my notes so he read them and then he said you've been getting a bit upset like he did before I'll give you something to take so told him about the kidney he said well these tablets will help you take a more balanced view I gave him three or four days but they didn't seem to me to make much difference so went along again different doctor this time same rigmarole I said I didn't want any more tablets I just wanted the name of the firm manufacturing the ones had already had because I think they ought to be told if their product isn't doing the trick the doctor said it would be easier to give me some new tablets and anyway I couldn't write the firm was Swiss I said what difference does that make everybody speaks English now he said we don't want to get into that do we and Wright's men are the prescription I shan't bother with it in fact I put it down the toilet I don't know who you write to about doctors after it had Mateus sat in the front room in the dark watching the house he's messing about with that car one of those little vests they have now without sleeves no kiddy still I don't even know their name thinking about it afterwards so realized it must have been the doctor that alerted the vicar came round anyway not the old vicar had to known him this was a young fella in a colorant I could have been anybody I didn't take the chain off I said how do I know you're the vicar have you any identification he shoves a little cross around the door said what's this he said it's a cross I said a cross doesn't mean anything Jews wear crosses now hooligans the wear crosses in their ears he said not like this this is a real cross a working cross it's the tool of my trade I still felt a bit dubious then I saw he had psychic lips on so I let him in chats for a bit this and that long time before he got round to God they keep him up their sleeve for as long as they can vicars they know it puts people off went through a long rigmarole about love how love comes in different forms loving friends loving the countryside loving music people would be surprised to learn he said I thought here we go people would be surprised to learn that they loved God all the time and just didn't know it I cut him short I said if you've come round here to talk about God you're barking up the wrong tree I'm an atheist it was a bit stumped I could see they don't expect you to be an atheist when you're a miss because they think if you're a single person they're on a good wicket he said well miss Roddick I shall call again I shall look upon you as a challenge it not been gone long when there's another knock this town it's a policeman with a woman policeman in tow ask if they can come in and have a word I said what for he said you know what for us and a don't but I let them in Texas helmet a phony Young says it comes straight to the point was it me you've been writing these letters I said what letters I don't write letters he said letters I said everybody writes letters I bet you write letters he said not like you love I said don't love me you better give me your name and number and tend to write to your superintendent turns out it's to do with the couple opposite I said well why are you asking me he said we're asking you because who was it wrote to the chemist saying his wife was a prostitute we're asking you because who was it gave the lollipop man a nervous breakdown I said well he was interfering with those kiddies he said the court bound you over to keep the peace this is a serious matter I said it is a serious matter I can't keep the peace when this cruelty and neglect going on under my nose I shouldn't keep the peace when there's a child suffering it's not my duty to keep the peace then is it so then madam takes over the understanding approach she said didn't I realize and appreciate that this was a caring young couple I said if that a caring young couple why did you never see the kidding if they're a caring young couple why did they go gathering off every night leaving the kitty alone in the house she said because the kid he wasn't alone in the house the kitty wasn't in the house the kid he was in hospital in Bradford and that's where we go in every night and that's where the kid he died on Friday I said what of neglect she said no leukemia he said you better get your hat and coat on [Music] I've got two social workers come one white one black Maury and I'm supposed to call the white one shopping fingernails ginger-haired last week ahold in ed tights as big as a 50 Pete piece she looks more in need of social work than I am push it all down to men we all know about men don't we Irene I never said she could call me Irene I don't want to be called Irene I want to be called miss ridic I'm not Irene haven't been Irene since mother died but they all call me I read her the police everybody they think they're being nice but it's just a nice we're being nasty the other ones Asian mrs. rabbinic little red spot on their forehead all that sets talks which is right enough she said I'd be useful in India you can earn a living writing lessons there apparently they're all illiteracy something dogged on her door last week she says it's what you get to expect if you're Asian I said well there's all sorts gets chucked over my wall you sit and talk she's a bit of a boring woman I tell her I love my mother and she tells me how she loved her mother then I tell her I'm frightened to walk the streets she tells me how she's been attacked herself that doesn't get you any further it's all me to a social worker I think it's just chiming in I'm on what's called a suspended sentence it means you have to toe the line if I write any more letters I get sent to prison the magistrate said I was more to be pitied than anything else I said excuse me may I interject he said no your best plan is to keep month big fella maybe blue suit poppy in his buttonhole he looked a bit of a drinker Maureen says I should listen to local radio listen to these phoneand things join them chat with the disc jockey and choose a record she says they're very effective in alleviating loneliness and the sense of being isolated in the community I said yes not even more effective in bumping up the phone bill Maureen's trying to get me I'm reading I supposed to get me off writing she says box would widen my horizon fetches mean novels only they don't ring true I mean and somebody in a novel says something like I've never been in an air crash then you know this means that five minutes later they will be save trains never crash a one does in stories saying it brings it on so that when you get the heroine saying don't suppose I'll ever be happy and you can bank on it that there's happiness just around the corner that's the rule in novels what as in life if you say you're never gonna be happy then you never are happy and saying it doesn't make a heap of the difference sometimes catch myself thinking it'll be better the second time round but this is it this has been my go new policeman now walks the streets the way they used to part of the new policy community policing smiles passes the time of day keeping an eye on things certainly keeps an eye on number 56 in there and outta to stretch time did the other day and when eventually it comes out she's at the dorm one of those little shorty house code things he's in there now he once reporting [Music] a little bit writing up my diary mrs. Proctor's got us all on keeping Diaries by web literary appreciation the other girls can't think what to put in there's me I can't think what to leave out trouble is I never get time to write it up and three days behind as it is and that busy in the morning it's occupation and I've opted for book buying their dress making in dress making mrs. Dunlap's took me in the deep end and I'm running up a little cocktail dress I said I never have cocktail she said well now you've got the dress you can that's what it's geared to this place new horizons it's in shanton with a little shawl collar Lucille's making me a chunky necklace for it in handicrafts a share a room with Bridget to some Glasgow she's been a prostitute on and off and did away with their kiddy accidentally when she was drunk and upset bonny little face you'd never think it and mother was blind but made beautiful pastry and brought up a family of nine in three rooms you don't know your bone I think I'm friends with practically everyone though besides Bridget I'm up and down this corridor more often than not I'm still on my rounds when the bell goes laughs yeah I know but it's all in good part Lucille says you're funny you Irene you don't mind being in prison I said prison I said Lucille this is the first taste of freedom I've had in years of course I'm lucky the others miss the sexes men men men they talk about nothing else known jus that's not quite the close book it used to be Bridget's take me through the procedure step by step and whereas previous to this have I'd ever found myself in bed with a man I should have been like a fish out of water as Bridget says not least I know the rudiments mind you at my age I can't ever see it coming to that so it's nice to have another string to your bow they've got me on smoking now and again as well I mean I shan't ever be a full-time smoker I'm not that type and I don't want to be but it means if I'm ever in a social situation where I'm required like when they're toasting the Queen Jennah shaunb I put off my stroke you see that's the whole philosophy of this place acquiring skills a sail through the secretarial course miss McCauley says I'm their first grade one I can type like the wind miss McCauley said we mustn't let the grass grow under our feet and she says if she goes down on her knees in admin then they might repeat might let me have a go on the word processor then the plan is stage one I got one day release for a bit followed by stage two a spell in a resettlement hostel where I'm reintegrated into the community and then finally stage three a little job in an office somewhere I said to miss McCauley would it matter my having been in prison she said I have read matter with your qualifications it wouldn't matter if you'd been in the SS but the stuff some of them come out with you have to smile they have words for things I never knew they were words for and a-square myself on occasion now though only when the need arises the other evening I'm sat with Shirley during association Shirley's very obese I think it's glandular and we're trying to put this together this letter for a boyfriend but she says it's her boyfriend but I had to start the letter three times because first go off she says his name's Kenneth and she says it's mark and finally she settles on Steven she stands - Shirley and I think she just wanted a name she could say I don't think I don't think she's got a boyfriend at all I think she just wanted to be in the swim she shouldn't actually be in here in fact she's not all there but apparently there's no one else to put her she sets fire to things anyway we're sitting there in our room Branagh concoct this letter - a pretend boyfriend and in whilst his black journal Dean drapes herself across the bed starts chipping in saying was the boyfriend blond did he have curly hair the nasty personal type question she should know better than to ask Shirley and shared he's getting confused and stammered in and Geraldine's laughing so far I flew caution to the winds and a total Dean to piss up general Dean screams with laughing those running down the corridor say do you know what Irene said you know what Irene said when she'd gone Shirley said you shouldn't have said that I said I know but sometimes it's necessary she said no Irene I don't mean he shouldn't have said it only you got it wrong it's not this up I said well what is it she said it's piss off she's good hearted sometimes Bridget will wake up in the middle of the night shouting dreaming about the kitty she killed and I go over and sit by the bed and hold her hand till she's gone off again there's my little clock ticking and I can hear the wind in the poplar trees by the playing fields and maybe it's raining and I'm sitting there and I'm so happy [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Rick Salvi

Views: 75,785

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Id: iOqgDmaYdqA

Length: 31min 27sec (1887 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 28 2020