A death doula's perspective on beauty in death | Melinda Devine | TEDxGrandePrairie

good evening gram Perry it is easy to fear what we don't know it is easy to ignore that which we do not understand it is easier to turn the other way when the harsh realities of Life come and meet us death it is inevitable for all of us in this room it is all of our trth truth let me ask how many times in a day in a week in a month a year have you thought of it have you thought of the last time that you will take your own breath all of us also in this room will have lost loved ones do you feel like you had the time and the space that you needed to grieve I feel that having the time and space can offer healing this talk is not about faith it is simply the talk about how uncomfortable we are when we discuss death and dying and how we approach it now I've always had questions and have been interested in life and death my my whole life I had I had questions for this world that we live in so I started to travel the world 40 countries later and guess what I only gained more uh questions H and then I decided why not become a primary care paramedic and serve our community I then uh volunteered in natural disaster zones like Haiti in 2010 I'm part of a medical team uh Haiti lost 300,000 lives I then began to work in the funeral industry as a transfer specialist for those you not in the field that is a a title given to those of us that walk into homes hospit es hospital rooms and morgs and bring in the recently deceased loved ones into care and transfer them to funeral homes or to the medical examiner's offices now I've always been that type of person that will be at a party or at uh celebration Christmas you name it anywhere and all of a sudden I will start talking about death somehow naturally a part of the conversation because it's the work that I've done even when I went to go get my hair done today what did I talk about death and dying it's part of my daily conversation typically what I noticed though is that one or two things happen one there's an awkward silence and all of a sudden the person has to use the washer right away or two they're interested they're intrigued they have more questions almost as if they've been starved for this conversation then when I was doing the trans transfer specialist job something that I noticed that was just so interesting is after almost 800 that I was gifted to be present of removing their body every single one was different every single one was unique I would walk into a home and sometimes there would be 30 40 people there downstairs upstairs in the bedroom sometimes the people would be in the bedroom gripping the arms of their loved ones not ready to let their loved one go other times they'd be sitting in the hospice room calm children playing and then other times I'd walk in the room and all that were there is just the loved one deceased waiting for me to take them into care it it it really left a mark on me I then had my own losses like all of us I lost two loved ones fairly close together my family asked me to officiate and uh do graveside uh prayers this is when I felt the calling this is when I knew in my heart I wanted to become a death Doula and I also started the funeral director program now I know a lot of us are like death doua what is that that is why I'm here so uh on the sign we probably have all heard of birth douas people that help people with the delivery preparing the mom and preparing the family for the new baby to come our role as death duelas is to be president for the person that is passing away and for the family to prep them for that moment and it's a beautiful opportunity then in the summer of 2019 my sister passed away the cancer went into her bones I knew she didn't have long I traveled out to Victoria to spend some time with her and something seemed different as we're walking on the beach she seemed calmer and more present as if a part of her was already preparing two months later I held her hand in my hand to my heart as she gasped for her last breath it was beautiful then in November of 2022 I got a phone call from my sister it was a Sunday morning I couldn't understand a word she was saying between the crying and the gasping for air all I heard was gone and Mom I said back everything's going to be okay everything's going to be okay I'll be there as soon as I can I hung up the phone I cried I packed I prepared myself for the 8- hour drive I phoned my brother and I said go pick up bags of ice open mom's window so the cold air can come in I will be there as soon as I can to prepare the body now this is a caveat cuz my mom was a character she did not want a funeral and in her own words I don't want a big hugaboo for for my funeral and if people want to visit me they better damn well visit me when I'm alive and then she would give up a boisterous laugh that was my mom a character now the next image you're going to see is my mom but it is a picture of my mom in her resting place how I prepared her body in her room I wanted to honor you of where you're at with that so if you need to look away do but I also wanted to honor how beautiful my mom looked that day as well meet my mom as I approached the bedroom door the cool air was coming from underneath the door and hitting my feet I reached out for the door handle the door handle was ice cold I stood on the threshold of that bedroom door knowing that it was that moment as I opened the door all I saw was Ice actually cuz my brother put so much ice on her I was impressed with how much ice he actually put on her I was like you did what I told you to do so then I started the work I took all the ice off and I started to bathe her body my niece came over cuz luckily she was in the funeral program as well we bathed her we changed her sheets we started to do her makeup her hair my brother brought all those beautiful flowers that Crown she's wearing it's actually a fairy Crown she she Lov fairies my one sister bought her that bear that other necklace is for my other sister the picture on the bottom there is the sister that passed away that flower that she's holding in her hand was from my wedding that was just only 3 months before she died this was healing this was the biggest gift I could be granted to be able to be present to hold space for my family and friends I held vigil over my mom's body for 4 days I said an alarm on my clock every 3 to 4 hours to go off so I could change the ice do you know what your loved ones would like to do possibly with their body if they died at home would they be open for the conversation for I believe if we give space to talking about death we'll have ideas thoughts and Reflections if we give space to this conversation we open up space for grief when we're involved in washing our family's bodies even if we just are in the room or around in some way it is a freeing experience when it is hidden when we don't talk about it we give it some power and it becomes something we fear I tend to look at things sometimes in a simple way so we're in Spring and what are we seeing the annoying birds chirping early in the morning the buds coming out on the trees it's it's birth once spring happens Summer's going to happen and what's going to happen Activity full of life we're going to then go into Autumn the changing colors in the different leaves they're going to fall off the ground and they're going to go into grounds just like us and nourish the ground and then winter cooling animals hibernate the simplest way I can put it is the cycle of Life birth and death now my Hope from this talk is a call to action that you will move forward and have these conversations with your friends and families that you will give more space and time to grief death and dying that you'll go back to your communities and look for people that can help facilitate these conversations and help answer some of these questions because what if I believe that if we gave time and space to death it will help us to embrace it and then we'll surrender to its truth and by doing that it allows us to be more present in our daytoday as a spiritual teacher ROM do said we are all just walking each other home thank you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 480

Keywords: Death, English, Family, Life, TEDxTalks, [TEDxEID:56533]

Id: AEbDhs_nAy4

Length: 10min 48sec (648 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 14 2024