Recently I played through Wolfenstein
the New Order with the help of some friends to kill Nazis and tear down their
government where the rich control the laws, women and minorities are oppressed and anyone
whose gender identity deviates from the status quo is considered a criminal and locked up or
killed. Oh no wait, that’s modern day America. The following is a Completely
Accurate Summary of the campaign Trust me. If you enjoy the video, and hate nazis,
don't forget to like and subscribe The game begins with a dream
about the American dream, which was actually an attainable goal
in 1946 and not a pipe dream because people could afford a nice house for
their family on a singular income We snap back to reality and our lazing around is
interrupted by Pissboy, and that’s like the only chance I’m gonna have to include a Drawfee
reference in a video, let me have this one. The airfleet starts getting attacked and
our plane gets damaged, so we go through a tutorial in a corridor so linear you
literally can’t move left or right, and then we lose everyone’s luggage
because we work for American Airlines. Then we go straight into the first turret
section, because this game came out in 2014 when literally every game had to have a
turret section because Call of Duty did it, so that must mean it’s good and
that everyone likes it, right? After pointing and clicking for a bit, we get hit
by a plane and die, and that’s the end of the game But then Pissboy saves us by performing extreme
CPR, and we spend a little while standing around, because that’s engaging game design, at which
point we decide to kill ourselves by jumping out of the plane so Pissboy joins us, but before we
can do that we’re almost killed by another plane, which would’ve ruined our suicide so we
tough it out and do the jump ourselves. Unfortunately we’re rescued by Pissboy and get
pulled into the other plane, and they tell us to watch out like we can do literally anything
while we’re being held out of the side of a plane by them. Our old plane cuts a hole into
the new one, but that’s okay, decompression isn’t an issue because it hasn’t been invented
yet, so we just casually stand around while there’s huge chunks blown out of the hull of the
plane because that’s only a minor inconvenience. We head to the cockpit and pick up a guy off the
floor that we slap because we mistook him for a demon because of how creepy he looks, and then
we spend some more time standing around doing nothing and the plane crashes, but luckily we’re
right next to our destination so we get out and swim until we’re picked up by a Getrekt that
puts us back in our plane like a good boy. We get a phone call from Pissboy and
Whiney and contemplate the logistics of the Nazis actually winning WW2 with
LateNightGaming. Oh yeah, he’s here. After catching up with Pissboy and
Whiney, we blow up a turret and kill Nazis because everyone knows that the
only good kind of Nazi is a dead one. And then I fuck with the game to remove screen
shake because there’s a hell of a lot of it and it was making me ill. Pretty much everything
still works fine, except crouching happens in an instant now. There’s no other negative
side effects until later. We’ll get to that. We give some Nazis special hugs and invent a
hole in the ground and then crawl through a vent - uh… excuse me? What? Look, I can
have some suspension of disbelief for a fictional world where the Nazis ended up
with advanced machinery but you expect me to believe that a 6 foot 3, 245 pound man can
fit through this opening? Bull fucking shit. We Halo a turret and use it to mow
down waves of Nazis until we open a door and get attacked by a Getrekt that
chomps down on our leg, but that’s okay, there’s no negative consequences of getting
your leg crushed between metal spikes. Whiney saves us by playing
fetch with the robot dog - uh, huh? Did the Nazis really make these
robot dogs out of actual dogs? Okay. Pissboy fills everyone in on the plan, while
we’re sitting on the beach right before the bad guy’s lair as if anyone here didn’t already know
the plan. Well, I guess the US Military sending troops overseas without actually explaining to
them what they’re doing isn’t that far-fetched. And now we’re climbing a wall and playing
whack a kraut, which is totally engaging and definitely not really stupid. A big-ass plane
crashes into the wall and drops a bit of rubble, but that’s only a minor inconvenience, so
we continue waddling our way up the wall. Unfortunately, nameless Joe who was
going to get the gate open got killed, so now we’ve got to do it because
we’re an FPS protagonist, if we’re not constantly being told to complete stupid
objectives, are we really playing an FPS game? We clear out the castle and accidentally wander into a stealth kill, which is fine with
me. I do all my best work accidentally. After clearing out some spectators, we jump
across a gap and Pissboy doesn’t catch us because he doesn’t love us, so we do it again
and this time he actually does catch us, but then we all fall through the floor and get crushed
by a rock and die, and that’s the end of the game. But then there’s more. Somehow only one person suffered any
injuries from falling over 50 feet, and we wake up in a… Can I even show this
room on YouTube? It’s really really fucked up. Whiney accidentally turns on the room’s
incinerators and we find the key to the door on the first try, so we pick up Broken
Feet and make it to the next room, where we’re ambushed by Mark 1 Iron Man armor that kills…
whoever this guy was, and he runs around a bit while we shoot him repeatedly until he finally
remembers to stop being a bullet sponge and die. Surprise, this was a trap by Wrinkled Nutsack, the
guy we were sent to kill. He takes off our shirts like a fucking pervert and then makes us choose
who has to die, the cool Scottish dude that we’ve spent most of the game with, or creepy blue-eyes
whiny boy who’s done nothing at all so far? I think you can guess who we chose. Wrinkled Nutsack cuts out Whiny’s eyes and fucks
off, and we escape one of those bullet sponges by stabbing it once in the kidney. Seriously? I put
like 100 rounds into one of those guys earlier. We break all the incinerators in the
room so we don’t get baked into a cake, and learn a hotwiring mini game,
which is just about as exciting as it looks. You do this several times
throughout the game, for some reason. We jump out of the window and get our head
sliced open by some shrapnel from the huge explosion that happened and fall into the ocean
and die, and that’s the beginning of the game. We go through a montage where we’re
picked up by German doctors and it’s revealed that we’ve got brain damage
via a huge chunk of metal in our skull, so I guess our name is Punished Venom Snake, now. The doctors send us to a mental hospital
where it’s revealed that the Nazis are kidnapping mentally ill people
to use as science experiments, which the doctor isn’t happy with,
so at least we know he’s a good guy. Another montage happens where we
learn about the family insane asylum, and that the Nazis come by every
once in a while for more patients. Then the game finally starts back
up with the Nazis shutting the asylum down, and we steal a knife
as they start murdering everyone. The family tries to stop
them but they get murdered, except for Sound of Music who gets carted off
to Texas, which is a fate worse than death. Then we get up and murder a Nazi and it’s
revealed that we’re still in peak physical condition despite the fact that FOURTEEN YEARS
HAVE PASSED because Snake’s will to kill Nazis is so strong that it allows his body to retain
it’s muscles as long as there’s still Nazis alive, which is good cause having to crawl along
the ground as an atrophied hospital patient wouldn’t have been fun. Yeah I’m talking about
you, opening to Metal Gear Solid V. You suck. We give some Nazis special hugs and kill
everyone in the courtyard to save Sound of Music, and borrow a car that we
drive because that’s a good idea, let the guy who just woke up from
a 14 year coma drive the car. We immediately fall asleep but are woken
up by a Nazi, who we kill easily after trading places with Sound of Music, who is
probably a lot more fit to drive considering she wasn’t IN A COMA FOR FOURTEEN YEARS. After making our way over the river and
through the woods to Grandmother’s house, we find a Nazi that was hiding in the trunk, so he feels the full might of a woman scorned
before the game fades to family dinner. Turns out, the Nazis won World War
2, which is just as unbelievable as Russia successfully invading the US in
Call of Duty, but, you know, whatever. Snake wants to find out where the Nazis
are keeping the resistance fighters, so we head downstairs to ask
him nicely where our bitches at. As we’re getting our ‘ask nicely’ gear on,
he escapes his chair and starts stabbing us, and then just kinda repeatedly stabs us a few
times until I realize that I’m supposed to stab him back, and I’m pretty sure this
is everyone’s reaction in this scene. We ask him nicely and he tells us to go fuck
ourselves, so we prepare to trim a little off the top and he finally bitches out and
tells us exactly what we want to know because he’s a coward. And then we give him a haircut
anyway. Oh no wait, that was a head cut. Yeah. Snake gets dressed in an iconic ‘I am the main
character’ leather jacket and we head out, but unfortunately we’re immediately found out
so Johnny Knoxville revokes the Nazi’s head privileges and tells us to revoke everyone
else’s, so we head off to do just that. The game tells us we can do it stealthily, but what’s the fun in killing Nazis if
they don’t know they’re all gonna die? The gate is shut, so we head inside to get it open and relieve some more
Nazis of their pitiful lives. After opening the gate, we get to another
open area full of Nazis that aren’t dead, so we decide to be the change
we want to see in the world. We’re ambushed by bullet sponges and play
ring around the rosie until they’re both dead, and then sneak aboard a train… somehow,
they kinda skip over that part. Snake fucks up making coffee and some
Nazis walk in, and as we head back to our room we’re interrupted by Frau Ugly
and Lord Farquaad, who tries to make us play a card game but we immediately go
for the gun and win the game. Or not. We play the Nazi’s stupid card game and call a
guard a bitch on our way back to Sound of Music, and mess around with the
coffee physics like a child, and then have sex with Sound of Music like an
adult, which makes it really hard for gamers to relate to the main character anymore
since they’ve never touched a woman. After getting to the hotel, we parkour
across some rooftops and get a laser cutter, which is this game’s silly physics
gun so of course I draw a penis with it because I am a mature adult.
Don’t act like you didn’t do it too. We shimmy slowly across a rooftop and sneak onto
a prison transport and then break into prison where we’re attacked by another Getrekt that we
run away from so we don’t get rekt and then fit through another vent that we definitely can’t fit
through so we can drown a Nazi in his own piss. We kill our way to the cell block that’s
holding all of our friends and cut them loose and surprise! It’s Pissboy! Who
is conveniently in this exact prison, still alive after 14 years. Not that he was in
prison for 14 years, but you get what I mean. Nazis come to stop us from
escaping so we sneak into a vent and I’m glad Matt’s not
here to make an Among Us joke. We kill the nazis and cause a prison riot
so we can escape the compound and steal some bikes with Reznov to drive
away with- no wait, wrong script. Er, well, not that wrong, we steal a
vehicle and smash it through a window. But then it flips right over, conveniently
right overtop a sewer grate that we break open and fall into to meet back up with
Sound of Music and steal another car. We ditch the car and jump into some water
and find a locked grate, which I’m luckily able to open with my laser cutter but if
I didn’t have it, we’d have been screwed. We’re introduced to the members of the resistance and woah (BJ face glitch) we spend some time
wandering around the base collecting files. Also, this happens (flashback sequence) Ellen Degeneres fills us in on Project
Whisper, the Nazi’s ultimate stash of super dog food that we’re going to steal and
eat so we can become the ultimate Nazi killers, because it’s probably full of meth or
something, I dunno what they feed their dogs. We take an uber to the head nazi research
facility and after letting us out, our uber driver suicide bombs the front entrance because
he hates Nazis really fuckin bad. 10 stars. We almost get head, but nobody
wants a blowjob from a Nazi, the only thing they should have stuffed
into their mouths is the end of my gun. And then I get stuck. And now it’s time for killing Nazis to DOOM music. It’s not actually DOOM music, but it’s
by Mick Gordon. So it’s DOOM music. We wander into a store room full of ancient high
tech Jewish artifacts, and that’s not a joke, that’s actually what these things are,
and we steal a laser gun which replaces our laser cutter so we draw a chode, because
there wasn’t enough space for a full penis. Unfortunately, we didn’t find the Nazi stockpile
of super dog food, but we did find a bunch of top secret silent aircraft, so we change the plan to
stealing them instead of the dog food. Or was that the original plan? I really need to stop eating
dog food and actually pay attention to the game. Everyone hang glides into the hangar, and we
pick up Ellen Degeneres to take her to one of the helicopters and accidentally take her to the wrong
place, so we have to walk back really slowly. We fly the helicopters back to the resistance
base and do some more meandering around where we face the repercussions of our actions
from earlier in the form of a half-naked Scottish man getting upset at us for
choosing the whiny bitch instead of him, so he hands us some keys and we bumble around
a bit to find a piece of moldy concrete. As we cut the moldy concrete
we accidentally upset Max Hass, who is the best character in the game, and
we find out about Santa Klaus’s background, about how he was a Nazi until his beliefs were
challenged and he chose to turn against the Nazis and ended up losing his wife and son over the
choice, but he still chose to join the resistance. See? That’s how you write a sympathetic
character. They were part of the bad guys, but they realized the bad guys were the bad guys, so now they’re against the bad guys.
And the bad guys are still the bad guys. The word ‘bad guys’ has lost all meaning now. Turns out, Nazi concrete is actually
based on a recipe created by Jews, and if the entire building blocks
of their society being made out of something created by their so-called
enemy isn’t the definition of irony, then I’m going to hunt down someone from
Merriam-Webster and give them a stern talking-to. And now for something no one was expecting from
a first person shooter - a concentration camp. Wait you mean this game actually touches on the
difficult parts about Nazi rule and doesn’t just skip over it for the glorified killing spree?
There was actually thought and effort put into a game about Nazis that have robot dogs and a
base on the moon? I’m getting ahead of myself. We find out that the guy we’re looking for
is in another cell block, so we break our concrete mixer and trade uniforms with a
guy who’s conveniently the same size as we are and use it to locate Larry David, who
is the second best character in this game. He agrees to help us if we help him shut this
concentration camp down, and we immediately agree because that’s the easiest choice
I’ve ever made in my entire fuckin life. We sneak into a building and get jumpscared by
a Nazi who ties us up and starts torturing us, but he left the knife in us so we take it out
and use it to stab every Nazi in the area, which would be incredibly dumb if
this game didn’t already establish that we can shrug off being stabbed
multiple times in regular gameplay, so it’s actually narratively
consistent to be able to do this. We disable the security system and sneak into camp
command to eat some dog food and steal a battery, but accidentally electrocute ourselves and get
caught by Frau Ugly, who sets us up for execution but didn’t remove the battery from our hands
before that? So we give it to Larry David who uses it to attack the Nazis and crush Frau
Ugly’s head, so now her face matches her soul. And then to add insult to injury,
the robot throws her off a cliff. Unfortunately she survives that, but
I’m getting ahead of myself again. And now we get to drive the robot, which would’ve
been a lot cooler if there wasn’t so much screenshake and motion blur that it’s impossible
to actually parse any information on the screen. After loading up everyone in the trucks,
Frau Ugly ambushes us and unfortunately doesn’t get run over as we peel out of
there, but luckily we manage to get away. Larry David reveals that he’s part
of a secret Jewish illuminati that has advanced technology that they’d hidden
from the world, but Nazis found their stash and reverse-engineered the technology
to win the war. Does this mean that a Jewish space laser actually isn’t out of
the realm of possibility in this game? Also, this means that the Nazis owe literally
all of their success to the Jewish. Whew. Larry David tells us that he can get
us to another secret cache that the Nazis haven’t found, we just need to
steal a uboat for him. No big deal. Time for more fetch questing
around the hub area. Thank you for padding your six hour game, Machine Games. At least we get to talk to Bomberman, who’s
the third best character in this game. After getting the welding equipment
to Larry David, Snake has sex with Sound of Music again which I can’t show you
on youtube but you’re really not missing much, 2014 character models having intimate moments
isn’t exactly something you’d pay for. Well, technically I paid for it cause I bought
the game, but you know what I mean. We get in a small submersible to do some
puzzle solving that takes me way too long before killing a bunch of Nazis to steal a
train with absolutely no problems whatsoever. We sneak into a torpedo to smuggle
ourselves into the uboat and have several gunfights in a small pressurized
tube underwater because that’s a good idea. We regroup with the rest of the resistance
and Larry David takes us down to the secret underwater jewish tech trove that looks like the
loot cave from the end of Pirates of the Caribbean Once we’re inside the vault, Ellen
Degeneres lets us know that she got us a flight to the moon so we can
steal the Nazi’s nuclear launch codes, and Pissboy shows off his brand new supersuit
that we don’t even get to use in this game. Cut to a bridge, where I immediately fall out of the helicopter because I’ve got one
brain cell and it took a vacation. We kick a thingy out of the helicopter
in front of the train and it absolutely destroys the hell out of the bridge, so
we get dropped off to find the guy whose spot we’ll be stealing on the moon
flight so we can steal his ticket. And then my fucking with the game finally
catches up to me, 5 hours in. If I have the head bob turned off, it breaks the alignment
of the scope of this gun, for some reason. After restarting the game, we
poke a nazi in the butt with a grenade to make him fall off of the
bridge and fit our way through some tight spaces so we can kill some more
nazis on our way to get our ticket. We’re grabbed by a Nazi, but Pissboy cuts
his head off for us and tells us to jump in, which I do with absolutely no problems whatsoever. Pissboy drops us off a little closer to
our destination and we steal the ticket to get aboard the moon flight, where we sneak
into the baggage claim and grab our stuff so we can start killing everyone. And also we
get a laser gun, because we’re on the moon. After “stealthing” our way through the base, we
get like 50% of our screen occluded by a space suit and bounce around on the surface of the
moon to a flashback of the concentration camp, and Snake cuts the tattoo right off of his arm
which would be insane for anyone that wasn’t him. We stealth our way to the nuclear
codes, (comment about what stealthing is) and print them out for easy transport
so we can stealth our way to the exit (another clip of stealthing) A Nazi relays to their bosses
that we’re stealing their ship, but snitches get stitches and this guy’s a nazi, so we make sure his wounds won’t even heal with
stitches and then crash the ship back to Earth. We go through some bullshit but
luckily there was a nazi officer to break our fall with his head. I’d
thank him, but I don’t thank Nazis. After killing every other nazi in the area, we mirrors edge our way through some more
nazis and go through a stupid boss fight against a tripod that isn’t difficult or
anything, it’s just really really tedious. We have a flashback about Wrinkled Nutsack before
getting saved by Santa Klaus and find out that the Nazis are invading the resistance base,
so Santa Klaus turns a kraut into a pancake and gets unceremoniously shot to death, so Max
goes apeshit and sacrifices himself to let us in. Also, can I just say, taking a hub area and
turning it into a level full of enemies is one of my all-time favorite game tropes. Seriously,
you take an area that the player knows well and recontextualize it and now suddenly their safe
space isn’t so safe. It feels very personal. We accidentally slide into some robots, so Ellen
Degeneres saves us with the supersuit that we don’t get to use, yes, I’m still salty about
that, and we escape on a helicopter and FUCK YEAH, MAX SURVIVED, and actually so did Santa
Klaus, except then he dies in this scene, and it’s very sad, and no I’m not crying. I
just… opened up a water park… in my eyeballs. We have another dream about the American dream, this time with Sound of Music in the wife
role, but we snap back to reality in the uboat. We finalize the details to infiltrate
Wrinkled Nutsack’s compound and save everyone that got captured, and
shoot another ball at a wall and it goes balls to the walls and we kill
our way through all the nazis inside. After listening to Wrinkled Nutsack taunt
us, we get jumped by Lord Farquaad and he drugs us and tries to cut us open, but we tear
his ear off and he’s incredulous at the fact that we can even move at all when he pumped
us full of enough drugs to kill an elephant, but that’s the power of killing Nazis,
bitch. So we stab him in his stupid face. We take an elevator down to the prison cells
but it turns out everyone was already escaping on their own, so we take an elevator back
up but it gets stuck, so we help everyone out only to get separated and stuck in the
elevator alone. Oh god, this is my nightmare. Wrinkled Nutsack taunts us again and shows
us that he kept Whiny’s brain in a jar and we see a really really graphic scene of it
getting removed while he was still alive, which I definitely did NOT want to see,
and definitely CANNOT show on youtube, and then he loads Whiny’s brain into a robot
that we have to fight without all our guns. We disable the robot and Whiny
apologizes for attacking us because he’s got no control over
the body despite being conscious, and he begs us to kill him to end his misery. So
we blow up his brain, and Wrinkled Nutsack shows up in a mech suit and I struggle through
a stupid boss fight that never kills me, but it takes a really long time to figure out
exactly what to do. You have to go to each edge of the arena and use some cannons to shoot down some
blimps in order to actually do damage to his mech. Wrinkled Nutsack drops into an indoor arena that’s really blurry and firey and I get
killed by the environmental fire, which is my only death in this entire boss
fight, it’s not even because of the boss. After finally hitting the bullet sponge
enough times, we watch a cutscene of Wrinkled Nutsack bottling up Whiney’s
brain and say something badass to him - and we stab him a few times before he pulls
the pin on a grenade so we just stand there staring at it and take the full force of it to
the face, but that’s only a minor inconvenience, so we crawl over to a window and make sure
everyone’s safely out of the way before giving the order to launch the nukes, and that’s the
end of the game. And no, we don’t die from this. Game Over.
