90 Day Fiancé - (Ed and Rose #13) Therapist Reacts - Rejection

hey deserving listeners it's time to continue our journey with Edie and rose on 90 day fiancé my name is dr. Kirk Honda I'm a couples therapist let's see what happens and see if I have anything to say to this show last night Rose and I got into a big fight because I didn't tell her before I came on this trip that I don't want more kids and then this morning she told me it's over so that's not an accurate way that I would put it the way I would tell it Edie is that she was very upset because you repeatedly hurt her number one number two is that the issue of kids yeah you didn't tell her that you didn't want to have kids but you specifically lied by omission letting her believe that you did want to have kids because she talked about getting married to you and having kids and you never said anything to the contrary so it's not just that you didn't mention this one detail it's much bigger than that and this points to something is interesting about his personality that would make him spin that in a way in his own mind in this show we often see when they're in the conflict they will say things that will go whoa yikes but then when we see the interviews when they're away from the other person they've calmed down presumably and they can say something more differentiated and more understandable they just hit me I don't know subset I feel really bad Fred I've tried to avoid internet commentary about these people because as I react I want to be as clean as possible but a little bit that I have heard is that a lot of people don't like it it's fine people can like and don't you know they can like it not like whoever they want to like it not like but I as a therapist and really as a human being who's been around the block a few times I've done things that I regret I've felt horrible like the way he feels right there and I just feel from I feel bad for him this tells me that I think for Edie there is a normal human down there that really cares and loves and is worried about being alone and is lonely and feels worthless sometimes like the rest of us and as chasing love in the way that he feels like he can and he has defenses that get in the way of him seeing the world the way other people see the world not everyone but the way Rose sees the world anyway I think his way of coping with it is to forge ahead as if other people don't have feelings or really apologize and try to get people back in your good graces and that was the pattern that we saw it ultimately doesn't work for him and I'm guessing that if this is a personality trait of his that he's done this with relationships in the past total speculation there are other women in the past who would say oh I can totally rate to relate to what Rose is talking about here he disregards your feelings and then he acts like nothing happened and he but he's really nice and apologizes and then he winds you back and then he hurts you again I don't know was just people tend to have similar relationship patterns and why would you do that why would you do that if you wanted love well there's gotta be some schema at play and some overcompensation some defense that's trying to protect him from something I don't know what that is maybe we'll get more data as the season progresses I failed again so there that is what he said I failed again that points - he's like I did it again that this is an isolated event roses out she's no rose yeah I feel bad for him feel worse for Rose honestly I hope that Eddie uses this time to reflect and say huh what happened hopefully he watches the show and sees the pattern that he did maybe he'll even watch these videos I don't know oh boy obviously ed if you're watching I'm speculating I have no idea I'd love to talk with you off the record actually I hope that he does I hope he goes to therapy and says hey therapist watch the show can you tell me what's going on why do I keep getting in these repetitive relationship situations where it doesn't work out for me what a wonderful opportunity for the therapist to watch the show and to help him with that I think that'd be a wonderful jumping-off point where he could get in touch with why he exhibits or engages in those defenses that lead to the issues that we saw in this show I've worked with people like him before it can be done takes a long time what happened I wanted to ask her to marry me and then bring her over on a k1 visa but I asked her you know what she wants and out of our relationship and that's when she told me you know she wanted two kids I'm not even ready to be a father to Prince let alone you know father two more kids at 54 years old so I hope he's just phrasing that wrong because he just said I'm not ready to be a father to Prince even though you were about to marry rose I hope he's just saying it was a bit of a stretch for me to be a father to Prince let alone have other kids but he worded that interestingly when I told her I didn't want more kids that upset her and and I would ask her about her past but she didn't want to talk about her past yikes I mean it's been a lot of weeks since I've seen those episodes he just mentioned the kids thing and the past thing let's do the kids thing cuz that's pretty easy because I've said that earlier which is it's not that she was upset that you didn't want to have kids I mean obviously that was a deal breaker for her the problem was the whole time while you had been talking online she was saying she wanted to marry you and have more kids and you did not contradict that you did not say oh whoa yeah I want to get married to you but I want to have kids with you I don't you know I don't want any more kid you just let her believe by not saying anything in you know cut the contrary that you were totally on board with having more kids so that's one thing and he's not saying that this is concerning because other people on the show we've seen when they get away and they're calm down they will say things that seem more differentiate the other thing that he said right here is she refused to tell me about her past so he still hung up on that detail that we thought they had worked out where he had apologized for I'm sorry I totally trust you now I should never have confronted you about your past boyfriends I know I'm wrong and the STD test I know I'm wrong now on one level I guess I kind of get it because when you get dumped which is essentially what happened you're gonna have some interesting perspectives if you have ever talked to a friend who has recently broken up with their partner and by recently I mean while they're still having a lot of emotions about it which could be months after you're gonna hear some weird perspectives they're gonna be like I she was a terrible person even though you're like I don't think she was a terrible person I just don't think the two of you worked out so maybe he's in that zone but that's a very concerning thing to say that he still hung up on the idea that he was like you have a lot of friends on Facebook and who have you been with and how many men have you had sex with not really because of an STD concern because if it's an STD concerned then you both get tested and but that wasn't what was the main push of his communication which was I need to know if you've been with other people and who you've been with and I know where that comes from it comes from that it's controlling but it comes from a place of worry that you're gonna lose someone this idea that and it's totally illogical right that let's say she had 50 sexual partners prior to meeting ed it doesn't scientifically threaten their relationship she couldn't handle it could have liked a lot of one-night stands what's wrong with that and she could then decide yeah I'm done with that one-night stand thing and now I want to be with that it's totally a viable decision by saying she you know she refused to tell me about her past well what about the past that she won have to tell you about you know in terms of like you're entitled to that information especially in the way you're asking and - what would it have meant she intuited look if I tell him anything about my past he's gonna freak out because he's already jealous of things that he's making up in his mind so I'm just gonna tell him look you're the one and I believed her which he said that you were the one you're the one for me please trust me I'm with you so I don't know maybe I'll come around they usually do a tell-all right at the end of the season so maybe he'll get some more time to recover from the break-up and he'll say some more differentiated things so I guess we'll find out and and I would ask for about her past she didn't want to talk about her past and when she would clam up and you know she kept telling me my past is my past and I want to talk about it so you know we got in a big fight and in the end it was too much for her mom there was too many she didn't think I trusted her does that make sense okay so he seems to see it for what it was it's true she didn't feel like you trusted her I wish there was more they're like I got a problem with jealousy mom I need to work on that that would be much more encouraged with something like that time and maybe they have to work forward yeah there's my best bet the advice I can give you god bless you mom you seem like a nice person that isn't the best advice you could have given him you know moving forward is probably what he's done his whole life and what has caused him I'm guessing to have a string of relationships like this total speculation what the best advice you could say is go to a therapist and really investigate your part in those situations what about your personality what traumas were at play as you reenacted certain relationships with her sure Rose made some mistakes again it I don't think a lot of us would take that perspective but a therapist could say that sure you know but you deserve to explore yourself that would be the best advice you could say I didn't listen to you I didn't really understand why you're so upset I was upset that her old enough to be her dad and I was like what are you doing 23:29 what do you have it what do you have in common with her so again it's very normal for family members to focus on the age difference and as I always say I looked into the empirical evidence on this and all the scientific literature and gave it a lot of thought myself and there are some nuances there some people who are 23 are developmentally like a 17 year old blah blah blah but in general age differences like that are by any means inherently a dysfunctional thing and often in our society we pathologize things like that a you know a 48 year old dating a 24 year old you're twice her age that's crazy and it's like well what is crazy about it well it's just wrong okay tell me more well you're at different points in life you're at different stages of life okay but lots of people are different you can have two thirty year olds who are at completely different stages of their life one could still be living at home with their parents and the other could have three kids does that mean they can't get together that's an its inherently dysfunctional well there's a power differential okay we could look at that if if there is a power differential there that someone's being exploited you know let's look at that but if that can be accounted for or people are aware of what's happening then okay then what and people don't have a lot of things to say other than the things I've said and a few other dubious kinds of claims relationships are more complicated than that I think what happens for people and I've said this before is that we all for good reasons worry about younger people being exploited by older people we see this in 13 year olds being exploited by 40 year olds those situations we have determined I think rightfully so as universally pathological and a problem and illegal so there are certain things that we see that are like all age difference that's bad two thirteen year olds together yeah that's fine two thirteen year olds that are dating that's fine but is it can two thirteen year olds engage in a controlling abusive exploitative relationship absolutely can a 24 year old exploit a 48 year old absolutely can a 24 year old emotionally physically sexually abuse a 48 year old absolutely can a woman physically and sexually abuse them in absolutely it's usually the other way around and it's usually the age is usually a part of it too but it's not always so anyway we have to look at these kind of situations case by case basis just the fact that someone is different in age doesn't automatically mean that there's something wrong with it and I hope that I've been convincing in that way I don't want to I'm not trying to advocate for big age differences in relationships I'm just trying to advocate for scientifically sound ways of looking at these sorts of things it was hard because you were blowing me off and essentially saying a few like I don't I'm just gonna do whatever okay so we're getting a little bit of an insight into their dynamic she felt thrown away as if she didn't matter that's interesting I was selfish [Music] and I'm sorry so this is exactly what he did with rose I'm speculating but where he apologizes fully seemingly but doesn't really give the full picture as to this is why I did these things because without all those other things then we don't know that he's not going to do it again I wonder if he has disappointed her and hurt her feelings many many times and this was just yet another time that he hurt her feelings I have no idea maybe he's been the perfect father I literally have no data one thing that I definitely want you to know is that you were and are and have always been the love of my life and we have such a great foundation and and I did realize well I just I just probably flushed that all down the toilet it's eerie how similar this conversation is to his conversations with rose now I'm not going to pathologize that because I would have to have more information but it sounds very similar and his daughter is in her 20s roses in her 20s I'm not seeing anything terribly nefarious here there's a possibility that Edie has this issue where he bulldozes people and then they react and he's going to lose them and then he apologizes in this severe way and then he relaxes and then he goes back and he bulldozes people again and that's what scared me the most but for what it's worth I'm sorry for not listening you know to you and the fact that I hurt you appreciate that I'm human I'm a dumbass I'm a human funny dumbass I mean I will give him credit for I guess taking responsibility for what he's done but research has looked at the elements of a apology that is optimal and he exhibits some of them which is he's saying he's sorry he's not blaming anyone else for what he did but the elements he doesn't have in here is he's not identifying what he did exactly that was wrong he's also not saying here's what I'm doing to make sure this never happens again he's also not saying I know I do this to a lot of people he's not doing any of those other things that usually are indicative of a really healthy apology it broke my heart I spent a lot of time a lot of money but I just wanted to be happy I wanted what every couple I see every day has I want intimacy I want love that's great Edie and you deserve that and to get that I suspect you need to go to therapy and really figure out what's going on for you and why you engage in these kinds of reactions you deserve that too all right well that does it for that episode of psychology in Seattle everyone out there please take care of yourself because you deserve it you really really do

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Views: 267,752

Rating: 4.9223256 out of 5

Keywords: 90 Day Fiancé, Before the 90 Days, therapist reacts, reaction video, couples counselor, analysis, psychology

Id: U-x4n4ZIxVQ

Length: 18min 40sec (1120 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 03 2020