9 Hoovering Techniques Narcissists Use To Hook You Back In

[Music] welcome to thriver TV the place to break free from narcissistic abuse with quantum tools and understandings and before I get started I just want to send love and healing to California and all the people that have been suffering in the bush fires it's just been awful for you so for myself in the MTA team please know that we're thinking about you okay so on to today's video and it's an important one as they all are because one of the most confusing and painfully difficult things about narcissus is that when we've had enough it's common for them to try to Hoover you back into a relationship so the expression Hoover it comes from vacuum cleaners meaning to suck back in and that's exactly what narcissus do they act pathologically and in ways to get under your God to suck you back into relationships but their reasons and not about reform or amends or seeing the light or because I genuinely love you rather it's about retaining narcissistic supply which is attention and connections so that they can mine people to get the energy to emotionally survive hoover's can occur at any time after you try to leave the relationship or when you're trying to pull away and get away and it can come immediately in an hour a day a week or even years down the track and hoovering can also be done by narcissus even if they're the one that discarded you so it's likely to come quickly if a narcissist has not yet decided or lined up a new source of supply to JumpShip on to yet and if the Hoover comes after an amount of time it's usually because a replacement source of supply is dried up or it's just not working out let's get very clear that it is no compliment to backed by a narcissist because if you do go back into a relationship things will get so much worse the narcissist is going to start maliciously punishing you for leaving the relationship in the first place he or she is going to try to control you and hit you harder than before so that next time it will be the narcissist decision to end it you won't be capable of doing that that's what they're hoping for so be very clear if you are with a toxic person who acts narcissistically you're in a cycle of violence and it's a circle that just continues meaning that there is going to be make up periods which look like a honeymoon period and things are better then tension builds again then the abusive event will explode will they be damaged and devalue and discard either emotionally or literally and then the makeup happens again which is either going to be you crawling back trying to fix it or in the case of this topic than Isis is hoovering you back in and these cycles don't change with narcissus there's no resolution or growth or evolution so what happens is the cycles just get more frequent and dramatic and they get more violent in nature and please understand that violence doesn't have to be physical it can most definitely be emotional and on many other levels so what you'll discover after reconnecting with a narcissist is that within a short amount of time your inner being knows it is screaming out to you I made a mistake this feels terrible and you know it's so like and the evidence backs it up like we get to see that we were right that it is the wrong thing to do and it's so like anyone who reconnects back with a drug or a cigarette or drinking or an addictive habit like gambling or something that's destroying them they know when they go back and they make excuses of what they can handle it and why it's not so bad they know it's the wrong sin - yet just like a narcissist yeah and just like a narcissist it does get worse the truth is that we did make a mistake and until we deeply heal ourselves at our core for the reasons why we're attempting to self-medicate our traumas with abusive past times and people we can feel really powerless to break out of those awful cycles but the good news is thank goodness we can break and heal from this terrible self-defeating patterns and I'm going to share with you how to get that started at the end of this video so the most toxic and trauma traumatic of relationships include hoovering which can even happen daily in conversations such as text messages where you've been gaslighted confused guilted maybe dumped and then reeled right back in again because narcissus if you're traumatized and you're not self partnered and focused on healing yourself in your body doing that deep in a necessary work they can play with you like a cat would have a mouse on a string it's awful many people think that hoovering is pleasant trees it's just the stuff like flowers and gifts and apologies and promises it's not just those things it's whatever the narcissist deems is necessary to fulfill their self-serving agenda which is to suck you back in and control you all over again so let's go through that 8 most common methods of hoovering that I usually hear about and I've experienced myself so number one is really common it's telling you the one thing that you needed to hear generally the people who get with narcissists are nice people we like to tell people the truth and speak up and give them a chance you know it's almost like we're banging them over their head going this is it this is it this is what I you do however until we heal and learn to stop codependent Lee trying to fix people so that they can be healthy enough for us to be with we may have done this ad nauseam with the narcissist over and over and over lecturing and prescribing to them what we need from them to get it stop it and treat us differently and of course the narcissist has been resisting twisting and turning and not granting us what we need from them so eventually after days weeks or months of having had enough and not getting the validation of our feelings or needs we may walk away we've had it then magically the narcissist gets it and tells us what we need to hear right on death knock mine Jew is all good codependent fixes we are or have been we may even have put the words into the narcissus mouth for them about what they need to say and somehow we believe that we've heard what we needed to and we reconnect however experience tells us these cycles happen repeatedly and the narcissist had no true desire or resources to change their behavior anyway the bottom line is this relationships that don't reflect integrity decent values respect boundaries or care for another's emotions are abuse number two promises for the future so Hoover may come from a narcissist promising to get help make an effort look at this stuff align with our values do this do that agree to have children get married whatever it is these are carrots dangled to hold us in thinking okay I'll give you a chance and I'm going to give you some time to see if you follow through with these things that you're promising and of course these things don't happen and the narcissist never had any intention of fully committing to what you wanted because their life is not about that it's about brokering the deal that are firmly in their favor only number three is appeal to your compassion and sentimentality virtually every person who has been with a narcissus being mind is a really good hearted giving caring person if a narcissist suffers some tragedy in their life real or fabricated it's an opportunity for them to reach out and Ahuva to use your good heart as your weakness to break no-contact sentimentality is another powerful tool telling you things like their children or even their pet who was very close to you misses you terribly as they do too and you could be susceptible with this if you're struggling with the separation and you're feeling like you're missing them or if they send your message about a memory together or a photo or something that brings back the feelings of your connection and narcissus may start sobbing in front of you as a result of losing you and your natural inclination might be to hold and soothe them and this can be a really big danger I myself had given into this Hoover with toxic people more times than I can count with a thought for my own well-being and safety went out the window whilst trying to care take this and of course just magically forgiving them for what they've done and the reasons why I left them in the first place a narcissist may go as far as to send you flowers expensive gifts give you a marriage proposal whisk you away on a romantic weekend whatever it takes the narcissist may hold your hand and look you in your eyes with undying love this type of Hoover generally comes when you've meant it that it's over and the narcissus has got to bring out the big guns to try to win you back in my experience and was what I viewed with so many others if the narcissus went to these lengths to win you back then the punishment that is coming is obscene if you reconnect the narcissus hates having to act and behave so vulnerably his or her false self will demand total obedience from you which of course can't be appeased and as soon as you don't hold it up you're going to be punished number four is apologies and feigning taking responsibility it's a powerful Hoover when analysis appears to admit that they have issues and takes responsibility apologizes for their behavior and so that says they will do anything to change at first because you might believe narcissus don't take responsibility for their actions and they don't apologize or you've never seen him or who do this before this could throw you into thinking how she maybe isn't a narcissist after all and you may be tempted to take it on face value hey the sigh of relief and think this is it they've come to their senses I strongly suggest not taking it at face value give it a push with a stick tell the narcissist she need evidence you're not going to reconnect until you see progress and you can believe it words are no longer enough for you we need to understand this words mean nothing it's actions that tell you the truth about somebody hold your ground don't reckon echt and see how genuine their statement is over time generally the narcissus will unravel very quickly you won't even need to give it time and stop telling you how terrible you are to not believe them and support them and then there'll be all the accusations about all of your issues and there you have it the narcissistic three-ring circus starts up again very quickly on a hairline trigger the narcissus was never concerned about showing you how he or she could Jura bleach Ange anoon your trust again as a decent real accountable person would this was only about telling you whatever it would take to Hoover you back in now let's look at the next level of hoovering that isn't about niceties at all the narcissist could employ these tack either because the niceties didn't work or the narcissus refuses to stoop to such a vulnerable level possibly these levels can swap around the narcissus may have tried all of the nasty bullying stuff first and then when that didn't work pulled out the niceties number 5 is a weird one it's about random cryptic messages and this could be a text hi how are you and you kind of look at it and go what oh it could be some other cryptic message which contains some random statement so random that you might even think was this accidentally sent to me or it could be a completely unrelated thing that a normal person would never message you with maybe you've been purposefully pocket-dialed by this person all of course designed to test the water get your head ticking and hopefully get you to message back number 6 is guilt and blame and this is far I was going to leave you first before you left me message telling you all the reasons why the relationship was your fault and you were to blame and what a bad person you are and it may be the whole typical good riddance to bad rubbish I don't want to do anything I don't want anything to do with you anyway message and generally this comes after the narcissist has tried to unsuccessfully hoovy you in another way or knows that they've screwed up that badly that niceties are just not going to cut it for you and if you're incensed about the narcissist taking zero responsibility and twisting it all back on you you could be Hoover back in again don't fall for it any contact is an opportunity to suck you back in just don't do it let the narcissist think or say anything they want to nothing you say or do is going to make a scrap of difference your resolution lies directly with your self partnering and healing between you and you that's it that's all you can actually do so let's have a look at number seven and I have a feeling that you know maybe these numbers aren't quite right here because I tend to do that with these episodes but anyway let's hope I'm pretty tired I've been working so hard so hopefully this this is right number seven it's not I apologize it's good info anyway it doesn't matter number seven threaten you the nasty bullying more critical type narcissus can use threats to keep you connected or force you to go back to them so they could say things like I'm gonna take the house and kids I'm gonna ruin your business I'm gonna bring your boss I'm gonna use this information about you to blackmail you if you try to leave I'm gonna tell everybody the truth about you all of that stuff and we may really give in to this fear and we might think oh my god I need to buy time or we might think that we the only way we're going to save ourselves from that terrible destruction that we're just not strong enough to face is to stay or to go back and I promise you after having lived through this myself that the fear doesn't stop until we heal on the inside and take our power back if you're in a dangerous situation it's very important that you reach out for support through your community people you can trust domestic violence resources police whatever there is available to you and try to be as calm and together as you can when you're going for those resources so that people listen to you and extend out and help you so number eight is abandonment Anna narcissist after failed Hoover attempt might try this tactic which is retract their desire in their effort to connect with you so they can spin it on a dime and tell you they're leaving they're done and they might promptly hang up on you stop texting block you exit the scene after trying to Hoover you because you're not complying and if you're still suffering the inner terrors are being rejected and abandoned this one could trigger you into a panic and make you want to reconnect this used to be so big for me it was a surefire way to suck me back in until I healed with the knot work those broken inner undeveloped parts of me that were very susceptible to this unhealed childhood stuff and once I healed it well that doesn't work with me anymore and maybe this one has detonated you into reconnecting to a toxic person so the last one number nine making you doubt and question yourself there is many gas lighting techniques narcissus can use in communication with you after a breakup you really need to look out for this one he or she she may convince you to stay in contact and that you can be friends and maybe the narcissus will tell you they wish the best for you and they care about you they may even say that that you have their blessings and they want nothing more than for you to be happy moving forward in your life altruistic narcissists do do this people just think you know they're just going to be nasty and try and rip you to pieces they can try our truest ik ones can do this this person may even offer assistance with things which keeps you hooked in so that they can pick you up and use you for supply again you might start to question yourself if this happens and you think oh well the relationship issues weren't that bad and this person is a good person and I must have got it wrong about them narcissus if it is a toxic person use these methods to reel you back in it's not genuine at all be very very clear it's not normal after breakups to stay friends with somebody and it's not healthy and a normal person isn't going to want to do that they're going to want to get their space to heal and they're going to want to give you your space to heal maybe in time you can have some sort of healthy non connective relationship with people who are not narcissists but initially there is no value health or growth and staying connected to anyone after a breakup especially someone who's toxic so don't fall for that so all in all we can see that there are many ways a narcissist can get under your skin and who view back into a relationship and this is why absolute no contact and blocking every way a narcissist can contact you or at the very least strict modified contact through third party communication only if absolutely necessary such in the case of parallel parenting all of that's vital naturally initially we do have all sorts of traumas hooks and emotional image measurements and dependencies with these people and they're going to hit hard when we do no contact and they can make us highly susceptible to being hoovered back in or breaking no contact and this is exactly why we need to self partner and meet and heal these susceptibilities these unhear wounds within our own inner being to get free of any Hoover susceptibilities at all then I promise you you will be as tempted to pick up a contact attempt as you would to nail yourself to the back of a slamming door which in many ways would be less painful than giving into a Hoover I know a lot of you have been through repeat Hoover's are terrified about giving in if it happens to you and this is why I love to help you heal and become totally Hoover proof and you can get that started today and put an end to the insanity by connecting to my 16 to a free course which includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me a set of able and so much more so to access these just click the link at the top right of this video and if you want to see more videos make sure you like and subscribe so you get notified as soon as each new one is released so until next time beautiful thrivers you know how it goes keep healing keep smiling and keep driving because there's nothing else to do lots of love bye bye [Music] you [Music]

Channel: Melanie Tonia Evans

Views: 31,989

Rating: 4.913341 out of 5

Keywords: narcissist, hoovering, narcissistic hoovering, narcissistic hoovering tactics, narcissistic hoovering after discard, narcissistic mother hoovering, what is hoovering, npd abuse recovery, hoovering by proxy, hoovering after no contact, hoovering on social media, hoovering after months, verbal abuse, pathological lying, mind games, leaving the narcissist, psychopathic behavior

Id: ZEralU91nn8

Length: 22min 58sec (1378 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 22 2018