- Therapy can be a
life-changing experience. It can help us break free
from old unhealthy patterns and even heal from past trauma, but we don't talk much about
what to expect in therapy or how to know what we can get out of it. The conversation pretty
much starts and ends with, "Well, you should see a
therapist and get some help." We assume that once we reach out, we will get help and things
will start to feel better, but that's not always the case, which is why today I wanna
address the six things we should not expect from therapy. (bright music)
(text popping) And the first and most important one is that they will fix all of our problems. Going to therapy, unfortunately, isn't
like taking our fridge into the repairman. They don't know what parts
are faulty right away and are able to replace them. We have to work through our issues, figure out what's going on, and work together to come
up with possible solutions. And this all takes time, hard work on our part,
and a lot of practice. The things we work on
in therapy aren't easy and it can even take us
a while to figure out what change we're capable of making. So be patient with yourself
as you sort through it all. Decide what it is you wanna change and work to make those changes. It's hard, but trust me,
it's totally worth it. (bright music) Now the second thing that we
should not expect from therapy is to date or become
friends with our therapist. It's actually against the law for us to try and date a patient if we've seen them within
the last three years, but I would argue that it's never okay. As for being friends,
that's not right either, although it's more of an ethical issue rather than a legal one. But either way, consider how one-sided or off-balance the relationship is. If therapy's done properly, you don't know much about them and they know all the
private stuff about you. Not to mention that we came
to them looking for help and they're the professionals
whose job it is to help us. That's not a healthy dynamic
for any relationship. We should be learning about and building trust for one
another at the same time. Now I do wanna mention that as a patient, it is normal to want
these things to happen, especially if we're healing from trauma, have attachment issues, or borderline personality
disorder just to name a few, but it's up to the therapist to explain why it's not appropriate and work with you to figure
out where it's coming from and how to process that
need or childhood wound. (bright music) Moving on to number three, they shouldn't be insensitive
to your religion, culture, age, gender, race, sexual
orientation, et cetera. In order for therapy to work, we have to feel like our
therapist gets us, respects us, or at least tries to, and lets us teach them when
they they don't understand. And I don't say that to make you think that it's your job to teach them, but if they get something incorrect or say something that you
don't think is appropriate, they should ask questions to clarify and really listen to your answers and possibly do their own research about something so that
they can better assist us. They should also support us and be sensitive to our unique needs. It's not a therapist's place
to push their own thoughts or beliefs onto others, or to treat us differently
because of ours. That's actually the opposite of therapy. So if your therapist is
consistently insensitive to your background, beliefs, et cetera, it may be time to find another one. And as a side note, this is why we shouldn't know
too much about our therapist, because even if they
are, let's say, Catholic, that shouldn't get in the way of them supporting our atheism,
just for an example. Knowing too much about our therapist can make it harder for
us to be open and honest when this shouldn't affect
their ability to help at all. (bright music) Moving on to number four, which kind of rolls off a number three, and that is they shouldn't be
judgmental or critical of us. When we tell them something
that we're upset about, it's not appropriate for them to use words like only, just, or
ask questions say, why? Meaning, they shouldn't say things like, "Oh, well, that's only depression. I have so many other
patients with it worse." Or, "Why did you do that?" Or, "Oh, you're just self-injuring." These words are minimizing and can make it harder for us to open up and feel like it's okay to do so. They can cause us to question
if we really do need help. Or what I hear from a lot of
you is that you already worry about taking that hour for yourself because you know, you think
someone else could need it more or it's hard for you to take up space and to actually utilize help. And that's why it's
imperative that our therapist is accepting and validating
throughout our sessions. This doesn't mean that they accept and support us talking trash to ourselves or doing something harmful, but they should listen and
validate our experience. Then they can ask questions to get us to see why maybe that
behavior wasn't helpful or that when we do that
self-destructive thing, we only feel worse. That's what the therapy
process should be like. (bright music) Next up is number five, and we should never expect our therapist to give us unsolicited
advice or tell us what to do. Contrary to what many people think, a good therapist won't
tell you what you should or should not do in your life. Our job isn't to instruct you to break up with that toxic boyfriend or girlfriend, or take that promotion
and move to another city. Our job is to help you build
a healthier sense of self and confidence to make your own decisions. We can encourage you to
consider the pros of that choice or take note of when
someone puts you down, but what you do with that information is always your decision to make because you are the one
that has to live with it. It's your life, not ours so don't let a therapist
tell you how to live it. Our goal is honestly to help you create the best life for you, and we can't know what
that is without your input. So a good therapist will always push you to notice uncomfortable
or unhealthy things, but leave the choice up to you. (bright music) And finally, number six, we shouldn't expect our
therapist to pick up calls, answer texts, or do anything
else in our sessions other than listen to you, take notes, offer thoughts, insights,
questions, or feedback. So often I hear how a therapist
takes other patient calls or texts people back while in session with a patient and I cannot for the life of me understand why they would think this is okay. The 50 minutes or so that
you get with your therapist is your time and they
need to treat it as such. And to be honest, the
10 minutes that we get in between each appointment
often isn't enough time. But that's why I personally
give myself a free hour every three to four patients
so I can catch up on my notes, grab some food, call
people back, et cetera. Our therapy time is sacred. Being vulnerable about life experiences and sharing things we may
be afraid to talk about needs to be respected
and held in that space. To feel like someone isn't listening or even paying attention to
us can do more harm than good. (bright music) To recap, because I know
that's a lot to remember, the six things we should
not expect from therapy are number one, that they
will fix all of our problems; number two, that we will date
them or become best friends; number three, that they
will be insensitive to our religion, culture,
age, gender, race, sexual orientation, et cetera; number four, that they will be
judgmental or critical of us; number five, that they will
give us unsolicited advice; and finally number six, that
they will pick up calls, answer texts, or whatever other than listen to us
during our appointment. I know reaching out to see
a therapist can be scary, and I'll be honest, even
when I go between therapists, like right now I'm between therapists, it's hard for me to speak up and reach out and it takes me way longer than it should. So trust me when I tell
you that it's difficult. Also, the last time I was
trying to find a therapist, it took me four failures before I found one that I actually liked. So if you're caught in that process, just know you're not alone and there are good therapists out there. We can find someone who's a good fit who actually gets us and doesn't do any of
the things I talked about in this video. And also, as a side note, 'cause I hear this this all the time, all of you are deserving of care. We don't have to be feeling at our worst or potentially suicidal or struggling with a really
intense mental illness to warrant getting professional help. Just like our physical health, the sooner we reach out and the sooner we see someone, the better. It's like if we went and
got checked up by the doctor when we just had a runny nose versus waiting till we
have walking pneumonia, it's gonna be a little bit easier to treat and also we won't feel bad for as long. So just keep that in mind when
you consider reaching out. And don't be like me. Reach out sooner because the sooner we do, the sooner we can start feeling better. I hope this helps you know
what to expect from therapy and ensure ensures you get the right help when you need it most. Have a wonderful week and
I will see you next time. (bright music)
