5 Ways To Be A Good Friend

so are you a good friend well how do you know you're a good friend do you know that you're a good friend to those that are a good friend to you how do you even define what it means for someone to be a good friend to you well i want to talk to you exactly about how you can be a good friend and how people can be a good friend to you today hi my name is crystal evans hurst and i come to you every week to talk to you about practical everyday things from the perspective of a girl who loves god so faith-based practical principles for living is what i'm all about and today i want to talk to you about how you can be a good friend and what you can look for in people who say they want to be good friends to you but first i want to tell you that if you're watching this that i would love for you to subscribe to my youtube channel or follow me on facebook so that way whenever i share videos like this or go live that you'll be notified because i share videos like this all the time and i like to pop up every now and then live as well now what does it mean to be a good friend before i get into some bullet points that i have to share with you today i want to give you a little story that reminds me of why this is so important now you may be living under a rock and not know who miss tabitha brown is however i'm not i'm totally not living under a rock and i know exactly who she is i've actually said for some time that i would love to have her on my podcast and so as a podcaster i did all the things that i know to do i reached out in her dms i sent her a comment i went on her website did the contact form and also sent an email to her pr agency but she's tabitha brown she's busy she's getting lots of interviews from lots of great places lots of great media outlets and i'm willing to keep doing the work to be seen and heard i know you have to ask sometimes a million times to get that one interview i'm okay with that however i did do all i could do and did do it again and still had not heard back but one of the women who is a part of my membership the inner circle emailed me and said hey tabitha brown is going to be in dallas i bought a ticket i want you to use it you can take a friend take your shot now i didn't even know tabitha brown was going to be in town and i have to be honest had i known i don't know that i would have bought the ticket to be that person who shows up with their book in their hand and says hey i listen to you i love you i'm a podcaster i'm an author i would love to have you on my show i just don't know that i would have done that and one of the women in our membership did that for me bought the ticket sent it to me hounded me actually sent multiple emails multiple dms to make sure to make sure that i saw her offer and that i was willing to take advantage of it she was so excited that i did now y'all i have to tell you i was trying to figure out who should i take with me and then i thought i've got to take my sister she might think i'm taking her like as a play like tabitha brown see i'm her sister but really the only reason why i knew who tabitha brown was is because priscilla introduced her to me so i called and said priscilla can you come she was out of town i went to the airport i picked her up and then we went to the line the back of the line that was apparently going to be like a four or five hour wait because miss tabitha was taking the time to look each person in the eye that she would meet and to take her time to make sure everyone was seen y'all we were standing in line having a good time chatting and doing our thing and i had the opportunity to meet miss tabitha brown which was a great experience for me but here's what struck me in my opportunity with meeting tabitha brown everything that you think she would be after watching her online she is in person she truly did take her time now i was extremely conscious of the fact that there were lots of people in line and lots of people waiting and i didn't want to take up too much of her time i know what it is to be the person in line i also know what it is to be the person signing the books and needing to get through the line she had her person take a picture and i raised my camera this is the shot that you're looking at right here to take a selfie just trying to get out of her way as quickly as possible and she looked me in the eye and she said the selfie is great but if you want him to take a picture one of the guys on her team give him the camera we have time so i gave him the camera and we took a picture and then she walked to the side gave priscilla a hug and priscilla said now we're here though because one of crystal's girls one of the girls who loves crystal bought a ticket so she could come and invite you to be on her podcast and she looked at priscilla and said well honey you just could have dm'd me and i was like you just could have deemed her but when we ended we ended the evening i made sure she had my contact information and by the next morning she had reached out to priscilla and then found me on instagram to make sure i knew how to get a hold of her so hopefully she will be on the podcast soon but why am i telling you all this because this morning i got up and watched miss tabitha talk about um what it means to be seen and that everybody really just wants to be seen they want to be included they want to be known and it made me think about how i feel totally seen by the woman in the in that i say in the membership it really is not she before the membership she has been here cheerleading me in the comments on social media just letting me know she's for me and i thought she's a friend she's a friend because she has done some very specific things met her in person a couple of times two or three times she's done some very specific things to let me know she is for me and as a friend she made sure that i took the opportunity to take my shot so this is my experience this weekend when i want to talk to you about what it means to be a friend and i want to i wanted to tell you that story because listen y'all yes i'm on youtube and yes i'm on facebook and yes i have a few books out there and yes i speak and i write but i'm still the girl who stands in line who feels sometimes like oh my gosh i'm gonna meet so and so today who's still fan girls and who knows what it is to be seen to be included and to be befriended by people who know me dearly like my sister and people who i've met two or three times but who make it their business to be for me and i wanted to share some of these principles with you because one of the things i hear most often is women struggling with friendship so i want to give you five ways you can be a friend and then for those women in your life who are friends to you but aren't the best friends to you for you to have language to give to them to say this is what i need from you the first thing that you need to understand is that friendship should always be friendship and action my sister did not have to um and and i never hold her to the position of just because you know them you should introduce me okay so she was a friend to say hey i'm here it's so nice she never met tabitha either it's my pleasure to meet you but i want to tell you we're here because she wants to invite you on her podcast she has a great podcast and blah blah blah in action it was i'm going to promote this person i'm going to share about what this person is doing i'm gonna stand in line with you for four and five hours if that's what we have to do we're gonna do what it takes for me to in action in motion be a friend to you but i also am thinking about melanie the friend who has been following me for forever and who is so supportive in our inner circle who hunted me down to say you need to do this are you going to do this i'm not going to force it down your throat if you really don't want to but i really want to encourage you to do this this is for you this is for you and who believed in me enough to take act she bought the ticket y'all before i agreed to do it or before i said i even could action i can't tell you how many people you know that have known it may be difficult things that i'm going through in my life who didn't wait for me to tell them what i needed they just went into action they were like i know that in this season of grief you're going to need to feed your family so i put a gift card for you in the mail i know that in this season of craziness that you're gonna need some basic things in your home so i dropped you a gift card to walmart or sprouts in the mail i know that you mentioned on something i heard you say that you're trying to make sure that you're celebrating the seasons so a good friend of mine dropped off some some fall mums in the front yard now y'all this is not like all the time every day it's when you're moved and when you know that you can do something you know that it's in your power to do something instead of thinking about it or not even feeling the need if it's a good friend and you know them to ask about it just get into action just do the thing or was a reserve in your heart if you know what you want to do and you can't do it today to write it down so that you do it tomorrow i can't tell you how many times what we give our friends is our intentions and not our actions and we ask for permission to honestly do stuff we don't need permission to do i want to encourage you to think about what you know your friends need that you could do just by springing into action and not waiting on them to open the door now you have to know your friends right because you can also like stalk somebody and that not be okay but it is also fully appropriate when you know someone when you do know them in their your real life and you are aware that there's a need or that they've mentioned that they want to you just do it so my friend michelle recently heard me say that i wanted to treat dallas like i was a tourist because there's lots of stuff to do here and when you live here you kind of take that for granted so for my birthday back in july she bought a ticket to go see van gogh it is a kind of an immersive artistic experience something i would never look for or spend the money to go do but she bought the ticket and she put it on my calendar and um and it was for months later but she still took care of it and made sure that we went not only did we go and see the van go exhibit but then we went out to eat we drove through a couple of places in dallas just neighborhoods just hanging out and having fun doing something i normally would not have taken the time to do so instead of hearing me say i wanted to treat dallas like i was a tourist and make room to do some fun things she bought the ticket for my birthday picked me up and made sure we did something different and had a good time doing it simple ways that you can be a friend are taking action in the small ways that you know your friend either has a want or has a need instead of saying girl one of these days i'm gonna come over and i'm gonna grab your kids so you can rest or go just just do it on friday october the 92nd i am free and i want to come over watch your kids and make sure you have some time to get out the door you know or instead of saying i know that you have this need or this desire here's how i can meet it now it's not always in your power to do everything i don't want you to make i don't want you to feel guilty if the action that's needed you can't take what your friend really needs is a job and that's not in your power to give her what your friend really needs is a bailout of her debt or her financial burden and that's not something that you're supposed to do what i am saying is instead of speaking your intentions when action is in your power just do the thing just do it there's so much power in just doing the thing that you know needs to be done the second way that you can be a friend is to be encouraging to share the gift of encouragement proverbs 18 21 says that the power of life and death is in the tongue and oftentimes what your friend will need what you need is someone that believes in you someone that is for you someone that speaks life over you and that is willing to say the thing that you don't believe about your life my mom had the gift of encouragement i don't think that's because she's a natural natural encourager i think that's because she understood the power of encouragement the power of speaking life into someone's life and was determined to do that and to be the voice of encouragement for many people but especially her children if she heard me saying something that i didn't believe could happen in my life she would be the person who would make sure that i knew what could happen in my life and kept after that for me that is so important that you as a friend or that you have people in your life who are willing to speak over you what they believe can happen and and you know the word these days is manifested it's a scary word but it's the truth it's what that means is that what you don't see can actually become and a lot of the encouragement that you need to bring your dream to fruition to bring that hope into the present to work for what you want to see exist comes from having people that are in your corner and who are willing not to just believe in you but to say out loud what they believe in you and to go to bat and when you're feeling down and discouraged that they know you and see you and will say what you need to hear not necessarily what you want to hear but in an encouraging way say what you need to hear one of the blessings i believe that is um my lot and i'm so grateful is how you all are for me the inner circle many women who are not in the inner circle but who are you know a part of that social media sister circle that we have and show up and watch the podcast or watch the videos when they're on replay or i show up to an event you all are for me you know there's always going to be haters but i think that's the funny thing too about watching the tabitha brown effect what is it the tabbage patch is that there are women who are like do not come for her do not come for her she has people she has people that have because of her encouragement and how she has poured out to them because of how she has spoken life to them because she shows up and says this is what you need to understand about your life because she's willing to share her life people are for her and when there have been little rifts online they come for whoever is coming for her she has been encouraged and in turn they are willing to encourage her and i feel the same way i feel like you are really a circle of sisters by and large a majority of you who are for me and who know that i'm out here yes doing all the things shooting the videos um speaking from my heart sharing with you what i'm learning you know i don't have a a you know i don't have an ongoing what do they call it a glam squad i barely get dressed every day half the time i don't even want to comb my hair i'm sitting here trying to figure out what mike to choose but in the middle of me figuring things out in the middle of me needing a lot of grace to do what i do you all are for me for me and that encouragement from you all some of you who i will never meet many of you which i who i hope to meet matters with the encouragement from my sister it matters the encouragement to say you know i literally is in the car like okay priscilla this is what i'm going to say like when we meet her that's what i'm gonna say and she's saying that sounds great that sounds great just relax it'll be fine like that encouragement it matters so i want you to know that even the people who you think don't need encouragement they do we all need encouragement and your willingness to show up and speak life matters but it especially matters to you when you're in the life of your friends because um your willingness to show up and be with uh with an encouraging spirit and encouraging mindset and encouraging words can make or break someone's willingness to keep going literally it can make or break someone's willingness to keep going the third thing that you need to understand that's super important about having friends keeping friends and making friends is that you need to be honest and authentic you need to be able to process with that friend because if you have a good friend or you're trying to develop friendships at some point because we're people you're going to have moments where you misinterpret what she's saying she misinterprets what you're saying you're not quite on the same page you could be misunderstood and while in you know in friendship you do want to assume the best about people and assume they have the best motives sometimes you're going to have to be willing to have that conversation you're going to be willing to have that conversation one of the things my sister and i have grown to do is to have real conversations it's like to say you know like i i literally said to her listen i i hesitated on inviting you to come and see tabitha with me because i thought she's gonna think i'm inviting her so that i can have the priscilla effect and that i can have more attention to hopefully have and i said i'm not gonna lie i'm not i'm not i'm not gonna lie i'm that would be great but that's not why i invited you i invited you just in case it's in the back of your head because i know you love her and would love to meet her and i know that you're always looking for adventure and fun and me you know swiping you up from the airport and bringing you with me to stand in line is fun so if that entered your head i just want to be honest and tell you exactly what i was thinking exactly what my motives are um just to get that out of your head if that's in any way a part of the deal and she said girl i wondered about that i'm glad you said that but even if that had been the case that was fine like these are the like and you would think we know each other we've been sisters our whole life we're we're friends obviously too that these are the things we wouldn't have to say but listen y'all one of the problems with friendship is that we make assumptions about the things we don't need to say we don't we think we don't need to say it because they already know it we don't need to say it because they know i already believe in it you know it's like when kids say to their parents you know you never do such and such and the parent will say well why do you think i work so hard i do it to provide for your dreams or why do you think i do this i'm doing this for you but what they needed to know and see and feel is encouragement not just that you're checking the box off with your action not just that you are encouraging me by showing up to stuff but that you are authentically honest and that requires communication that i can process through you without assumption what you mean by what you do and what you mean by what you say i had to tell my sister because she will notice that something's wrong with me and she'll say what's wrong she wants me to talk at that very moment and i had to say with her so here's the honest truth sometimes at my most vulnerable i don't i don't want to be rushed into sharing what you want to know now you want to know because you love me but i feel rushed into sharing that and i need to know that you care and then i need to have the room to share with you what i'm ready to share when i'm ready to share it and i don't want you to take that as a sign that i'm not talking i just need to talk in my time so now she has learned because of my honest communication and my authentic like just because you're ready for me to talk doesn't mean that i'm ready to talk now she's able to say hey i can tell something's wrong um if you're whenever you're ready i'm here that enabled her to be a good friend to me because i was honest instead of just saying i don't want to talk about it right now i explain why i need to process it i may need to deal with it first i may need to figure out what's wrong with me i mean i'm i don't wear my emotions on the top shelf of my life so i may need to take a moment to figure out exactly what it is that i'm feeling or how i want to communicate or what i'm gonna need to communicate and we had to have an honest conversation about how even she shows up for me and what i need so your willingness to be honest and say just because i'm hurting doesn't mean i want to talk about it right now your knowledge of yourself and you're willing to be authentic and to say you know i i had to risk being authentic to say yeah my mom died and you know a week later i was jumping online you know my authentic truth is people say crystal you need to take time you need to do this you need to do that well my authentic truth is i am doing it just because you don't see it doesn't mean it's not happening and there are also other reasons for me to continue doing what i do and i've explained those along the way so even for people in my life my real life who were concerned i had to authentically say this is my why this is this i understand your concern and your encouragement this is my why so i'm going to tell you and i'm going to be honest with you because i want you to be understood i want to be understood and i want you to understand me sometimes when friends hurt us because it requires revealing of ourselves in order to be honest and authentic we don't tell them so they continue hurting us because they never knew they were hurting us in the first place so i want to encourage you to be honest and authentic in those relationships that you want to pour into people need to know who you are they need to know why you do what you do that requires being revealing but that deepens the friendship and the same is true if you have a friend and they're not being authentic and honest you being authentic and honest and saying listen i just feel like you're giving me the top shelf and i want to be a friend to you but in order to do that i need to understand who you are and where you're at and it's okay to go through levels of honesty and authenticity gradually as a person earned your trust so take action be encouraging be honest and authentic the fourth thing is to be present when you say you're going to do something and you don't do it you're not dependable when you say you're going to do something and you can't do it because you have limited bandwidth then you're teaching someone that you can't actually be present for them and when you are present not being on your phone not doing 10 million things but focusing on the person that you're with in the moment that you're in is super important i can't tell you how many people i have been physically present with me but mentally not present emotionally emotionally not present and that makes me feel that while i know they want to be my friend that they don't have the bandwidth or the room to actually be a friend when they say they're going to be and that means i don't feel seen i don't feel understood and i don't feel included even if they're physically there your friendship it matters if you're physically there but it matters more if you're mentally and emotionally and even spiritually available so your friendship presence matters but fully presence full presence and being fully present matters too so when you are intentional about seeing someone and that's what tabitha was doing the reason why the line took so long is because she was intentionally giving everyone their moment asking them questions knowing that they were starstruck to meet her knowing that they were freaking out that their palms were sweaty she looked him in the eye just like she looked me in the eye and she said he can take the picture we have time time your presence the gift of your time is one of the best ways for you to be a friend to show up and actually have the time to look someone in the eye and let them know that not only are you a friend via text via social media via a phone call but that you're actually willing to put your phone down to pause and look them in the eye and listen you don't want to show up in someone's life to make yourself feel better well i stopped by there if the whole time you were there you weren't present people do want to be seen and they want to be understood and one of the best ways for you to be a friend is to be there there so you can see them with your own two eyes there so that you can understand the context of their emotion or their situation physically mentally emotionally and spiritually tuned in and in this busy world and honestly in this world where we have learned to not be with each other but be passing each other to be virtually with each other your physical in person in your eyes attention it matters and if you can't be physically present but setting that time being on time for that weekly zoom call with a friend or the book club that you're doing and being there there it's important it really is what does it say to someone when you show up in their space but you don't have the bandwidth or the time to be there you're telling them you were enough for me to make some time for you but not enough for me to be fully present with you it doesn't just communicate i only gave you a little it also communicates that there's a lot that's still on reserve or that you're not deserving of me giving you that time so yes take action yes encourage yes be honest and vulnerable and authentic and be present do what you say you're gonna do be present when you say you're gonna be there make sure that you are managing your life so you have the bandwidth to do what you said you were going to do and then at the end of the day when you show up be focused be as present as you can and i know we can't always do this perfectly i understand that sometimes we're waiting on an important phone call from a doctor and you need to answer it or but i'm saying even the gift of saying before you arrive hey i'm not with my kids they may call me three times but i wanted to talk to you but if i'm answering my phone and looking at my phone that's why that even shows the respect and the kindness to say i'm giving you deference before i know an interruption is coming the fifth thing is celebration that you actually celebrate your friends when they have something good going on in their life one of the major reasons why we can't do that often is because we're jealous we're upset they're experiencing something that we want or that we desire that we don't have well you're gonna have to talk yourself out of that and up from that you're gonna have to think in 20 years how do i want my friend to remember me and when god gives me whatever it is that i'm jealous that i don't have how will i look back at this moment and be glad that i was a good friend even though i was in the waiting friend even though i was in the struggling friend even though i was um in the hope and prayer friend situation in this moment what will i be glad that i did and sometimes you force it you know but you you literally have to say how do i want to be remembered how do i want her to feel in this moment priscilla is so and was and is so very excited that tabitha um reached out to her for me and then reached out to me and it's really fun it's really fun but to me this story is not about um meeting tabitha it's about a member of my audience who is for me who took action who encouraged me who said take the shot and who said listen you are a great interviewer and you deserve to have that woman on your show take the shot and then after i went into my dms and replied back and said listen i gave her my book we took a picture she said she's gonna reach out melanie's celebration was like i'm so happy and then she said mission accomplished because the whole time the whole reason why any of this happened was because she was for me willing to take action willing to encourage willing to be honest about herself and me willing to be present to like be in my dms and in my email to make sure i was seeing what needed to be seen and then willing to celebrate my sister the same way took action to not only get with me in the car but make sure every step along the way i didn't even tell y'all uh when they came through the line with a video a camera to get b-roll of the audience at some point they stopped at my sister and she's and he said ken you know she's priscilla shire can you say a word to tabitha we'd love to have you on film sure and she said the thing about tabitha and how she really respected her willingness to be committed to her faith even in the midst of so much notoriety and she said but i have to tell you tabitha as excited as i am to be here i'm here because of my sister even on video she was like she wants to have you on her podcast and we're here to make sure you know who she is so encouraging me all along the way are honest and vulnerable conversations along the way about how we feel when we're with each other i know that there have been many times online when we've shared our feelings about being sisters and what it is to occupy the same space speakers writers um and and what that feels like to notice our differences and support one another being present with each other being willing to sit in the line with me for hours and hours and hours and and then to celebrate to celebrate me and to say it's so exciting it's so exciting when you think about what it means to be a friend i want you to keep those five things in mind don't just intend act don't just use your words in your kind of way encourage don't shy away from hard conversations be honest and be authentic show up but show up fully there and if you can't be fully there explain that and acknowledge that on the front end so that there's an understanding and all times at all times celebrate her wins life is full circle you know what you put in honestly is often what you get out not always but often and if you want a friend the bible tells us you need to be a friend ecclesiastes 4 9 says two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor in other words when they both put their hands on the plow they'll get more out of the work done together than separately if either of them falls down one of them can help the other up now i know that many of you are struggling with friendship and female friendship is a whole situation because hormones and attitudes and emotions but what i want to challenge you to do is be the friend that you want to have ask god to lead you and guide you to the people who are supposed to be your people take the risk because without the risk of love and friendship there is no love and friendship open yourself up and know that god can guide the right people into your life take the chance to be honest authentic and vulnerable to take the action that other people aren't willing to take to be the encouragement that other people need but aren't giving to you to be present even though other people aren't doing that for you always but always always always celebrating her wins and know that the world really does run full circle seeds planted usually sprout up some kind of plant or fruit and if you are faithful to know what it is to be a good friend and show up as a good friend then that will pay off for you let me also say this you don't have to be a great friend to people that you know saw this photo floating around on the interwebs this is a man who had determined to kill himself he was going to jump off a bridge and at some point someone intervenes and says this is not your day this is not your day to die and you see these people they're not just stopping him from throwing himself over the bridge they're holding him they're holding him with their hand they're holding him with rope they're holding him at his knees they're holding him at his neck and encouraging him that his life is worth living you can show up with action for people that you love and know you can also show it with action for people who need you and your presence in a moment in an important god-centered purpose-filled moment is an opportunity for you to spread love you don't have to save your love for the people that you know well you can give it to the people that you don't know at all but who need you in a moment the other day i missed a flight try my best to get on that flight try my best to get to the next destination but i missed it i don't normally fly delta because i'm in dallas and so american for the win but i was coming out of atlanta and delta was the latest flight out we missed it went to a hotel got on the first flight out in the morning and when we got off the plane a girl greeted me and it was a shy crystal day so i kind of had that look on my face like okay okay because there's a shy crystal and a confident crystal this was a shy day i wasn't expecting anyone to see me so she starts telling me and she starts crying about this book and how it's been a blessing to her and this experience and how she's been reading the blogs and watching the videos and has it's gotten through one of the hardest seasons of her life and then she tells me her name i think we met once before but very in passing and then i understood why i'd missed the flight number one it was a wonderful opportunity for me to be encouraged by somebody who has been encouraged by me over the last three years number two it was an opportunity to connect with someone and i actually happened to in another crazy circumstance uh went to dinner with her on sunday afternoon with my father and with another family friend but in that moment i just thought she said i've thought many times about reaching out and emailing you or messaging you to let you know how much your ministry and your encouragement has meant to my life and here i am on a flight with you getting the opportunity to tell you face to face action encouragement she was crying in the airport honesty and vulnerability presence i had a book in my hand y'all and i noticed because i was reading waiting on the person i was traveling with to come off the plane i had a posture when she first started talking to me that was like okay i'm in the middle of reading my book and i don't know who you are and i caught myself and closed the book and put it down presence and celebration celebration for her having the bravery to introduce herself to me celebration for her to me letting me know how much the um the content has been a blessing to her celebration of me being able to realize how i knew her how we'd met and how we actually are connected in many many different ways and excitement with an exchange of a phone number to stay connected listen y'all this can work itself out in many different ways in your life but what i want to encourage you to remember is this one thing to whoever whether it's a stranger that you meet and an opportunity to speak into someone's life to save them from themselves to whoever to a person that you have the opportunity to meet and that day your words bring life to whoever your sister a friend that you've known for 40 years but a person that you can grow and develop and go deeper being a friend acting as a friend showing up as a friend is a wonderful gift to give and you have the opportunity to not only to receive that gift of friendship from someone else but to be a friend as well so don't forget you can be a friend many many ways around and over and someone else probably if you will allow them to is waiting to be a friend to you i hope that's been helpful i hope that you share it and i will see you here next week you

Channel: Chrystal Evans Hurst

Views: 30,977

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Id: 0E2J2EIcHDI

Length: 35min 17sec (2117 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 18 2021