4 Keys to Having Healthier Relationships

we did it yeah thank you I think there were so many people popping in with the comments which I'm so excited about got many many people joining us this morning but for the sake of time let's go ahead and jump right into our discussion Jim I don't think you need an introduction with my audience but just for the sake of letting everyone know a couple of facts about you I think most people are familiar with me I work with proverbs 31 ministries and I love taking theology and therapy and bringing those two worlds together and so today our conversation is around healthy relationships how do we pursue those things that will help us move in our relationships from where what starts off often times in our marriage relationships or our significant other relationships whether you're dating or pursuing marriage starts off in romance and then over time shifts to routine and so what are those things within our routines that we can make sure to weave into our relationships so that we can pursue health now obviously I'm describing romantic relationships there but even in our relationships with our parents our children our friendships a lot of these things do apply so Jim kress is my personal counselor he has a long string of credentials so Jim maybe just mentioned a couple of your credentials and we're gonna jump right into our conversation today my favorite one is I am the pastor of the first NASA method after coastal seven-day Orthodox Luther Tyrian nondenominational church of our movies with that drama that sounded a little bit like supercalifragilistic expialidocious so thank you for that last week one of the comments and it made my day they said you and Lisa really there you guys have fun even though it was critical in therapeutics and I said yeah this works too hard to not have fun so I'm a licensed professional counselor actually also a licensed clinical mental health counselor I am an ordained pastor with the seminary and just love walking with people in their stories that's what I do is just I'm trying to get stories with good endings that's what I'm after that's great Jim thank you so much so last week I had my makeup done my hair freshly washed I would just like to acknowledge this week neither of those are true well I did mine well good I did you powder your forehead and fix your hair obviously not okay well to me this is a no makeup Saturday morning discussion and so if that's where you are today grab a cup of coffee get a piece of paper and a pen and let's get started Jim let's talk first about because I'm a notes person so I want things organized in our discussion so I have along with you in our discussion we've identified four things to pursue in healthy relationships obviously there are many more things and maybe we can list some of those other things toward the end of our conversation right but first I want to talk about freedom to express expectations so this is if you're taking notes list this as healthy relationship indication number one freedom to express expectations yes so when you're talking about expectations there are really two categories that start this conversation we have realistic expectations and unrealistic expectations now here's where things get a little complicated in the category of your realistic expectations you may absolutely be right that those should be realistic expectations but in a relationship there's always two people and this is why it's important to have conversations around expectations in moments that aren't heated argument because we want to make sure that we're having honest logical conversations around for us in our relationship what are realistic expectations because oftentimes the frustration and relationships come where I think something's realistic a realistic expectation but you either are not aware of it it's gone unexpressed so I haven't made you aware of it or you don't agree that it's a realistic expectation and that unmet expectation in me can really cause a lot of angst a lot of behind-the-scenes grumbling in my own mind a lot of wear and tear on me diminishing the value of this relationship because I have an expectation that I've gained it's fully realistic but when it goes unmet it creates a hardship in my heart so we have realistic expectations unrealistic expectations but in that those two categories if you and I are talking about it then we have potential conflict because we've never had an honest way to express those and come together in determining for our relationship what is realistic so in this I recommend people have a conversation where you sit down and you put your cards on the table here are some expectations that I feel are very realistic for us help me understand what your thoughts are about this so that we can take this list and divide it out into realistic expectations and unrealistic expectations so when we have that conversation Jim what's some of your advice because immediately I can hear these thoughts of resistance that say well that's that's awesome but most of what I expect in the relationship when I sit down to try to talk about it either I can't get the words out right and the other person receives it as criticism or the other person in the relay thinks every one of my expectations is ridiculous and so I start to hear all of this resistance when we say have this conversation so what's your best advice so that we can properly identify what are some realistic expectations in a relationship well thank you Lisa and one of the things I've heard is you were describing that was you're on one side of the table and I do this literally in my office where I have a table I set up and I have people say it's time to put your cards on the table if they're married I call it the game or where the marriage really is and we're not you all say naming not blaming we're just going to put the cards on the table that put them upside down literally and then one other time they turn them over we talked about so if you have a reasonable expectation on your side the other person may have and meet that same expectation feeling it's unreasonable so now you've got a conflict going into it already that we know also that expectations often are premeditated resentments expectations are premeditated resentments so do I have a desire to share this expectation with you or watch do I have a demand you better see it okay so that's a very good consideration for us when we're talking about expectations so that they don't become premeditated what did you call them pre memory meditate and resentments I bet you'd better do this and behind it too is in the marital research they're called beds it says be IDs you're putting putting a bid on something like on eBay or something I put a bid out on answered bids are one of the biggest factors that will harm any relationship friends you and your children you and a spouse or partner the idea that I need this from you by the way flipping it also don't need this from you because expectations have two sides I need this and I expect I really need this to happen and oh by the way I need that to not happen so unanswered bids in a relationship did we talk could we a little bit of time could would you listen to me could we be sexual together could we pray together could we take a walk could we watch a movie together and someone either ignores or just blows it off so unanswered bids in these expectations is huge so is there better word to use like when I say freedom to express expectations is there better word to use than expectations I like the word longing okay yeah fight with me they're good but I say you know what and I'm using that word as a nomenclature as a as a framing you know what I longed for from you it's a word it's in Scripture obviously so I longed for this or desire you know or I'd like to talk about this or I'd like to address this issue of course is an expectation it's okay but our words frame our reality our words frame a reality so there's a way that when I hear the word expectations I already even in this conversation find myself a little bit on the defensive is so helpful this right here is why we like to process these things with a counselor right okay so freedom to express expectations just the word expectation may bring with it some sense of premeditated demands and so instead of using the word expectations we can say longings so then we can reframe it so here I'm going I want to have a conversation around some of my longings in this relationship what's another word that's more safe than expectation well it's a word we see all day long it's going on right here below us in social media like there's no good time we went through this a little bit last the last time and as you and I talked hearken back to ten episodes of therapy and theology folks if you haven't seen that and with someone type that in the comments below therapy and theology there are great high quality videos of that on YouTube and we talked about a number of these things there and for those of you who are wondering what Jim is referring to proverbs 31 ministries the ministry that I work with we have a podcast so you can go to proverbs 31 ministries podcasts and in that podcast we have a whole series of podcasts that are slit also videos as well so you can listen to it audio you can also watch it through video where Jim myself and Joel munna male director of theology theological research at proverbs 31 ministries where we come together and tackle different topics according to the Bible and according to counseling I think you really find that helpful but let's get back to number 1 freedom to express what I like or what I desire is like a longing in this relationship with the four horsemen and if we get to I know we'll get to eventually the healthy conversations contract as I said to you you and I were talking earlier this morning there are five broadcasts I'm a 40-year radio TV broadcaster I'm going to use the word broadcast folks there are five weeks of broadcast on half the topics we're talking about in one Instagram live so we'll try to get to these things honey I'd like to talk about something is now a good time we talked about last time about blood sugar timing rest pressure is now a good time to talk about this and then I'd like you to hear me it's a bit I'd like to talk about this and it's a desire and a longing of something you'd like to see change improved I'd like like in a relationship one of my things I tell couples is it comes from a friend of mine in Tennessee it finds stuff that works that relationship do a little bit more of that fine stuff that doesn't work in relationship do a lot less of that gosh that is such good advice right there yeah it's simple too okay so when we have this conversation let's say I put a card on the table and if it's easier for you to write these things out then give your spouse or your your whoever you have the conversation with give them time to also write down some of their longings desires what they like to see more of in a relationship if it's helpful to write those things out ahead of time then you could literally bring three by five cards lay those cards on the table so what do we do when I put something on the table that I think is a realistic longing and my spouse says it is not realistic for me okay so a couple of thoughts one in some of the marital search we find that there are probably three to five and maybe more disagreements in a relationship at any level including marriage three to five disagreements that will never be settled they are often idiosyncratic someone sees something one way you see something the other way not probably as stark as in our political world these days where there's so much polarization but someone says their style of relating there any a grand number there are morning person there a night person they like to talk about the old biblical metaphor some people are the babbling brook babble babble babble the other people are the Dead Sea they just don't want to talk about it right so you've got to understand those things that sometimes you're coming and part of the expectation is I just want to talk about this no everybody's seen that I just want I don't want to talk about this sort of frame it up would you be willing to at least hear me and hopefully they could mirror back I want to come into I say desire not demand I want to come in and say my truth and if and then give them some space so that if they don't see it the way I do I don't like you know come off high and mighty and say I'm right you're wrong so I have to have almost the hypothesis that here's my expectation desire and then give them the space to see even if the Holy Spirit reveals to them you know what there's an issue here you could sink honey would you be willing I know we don't see eye to eye would you be willing to at least pray about this and then obviously if it's a big enough issue if we can't see eye to eye let's sit down with another couple a mutual friend or a therapist or pastor and say we're kind of stuck they just won't even hear me and engage me on set issue if they don't hear it yeah I think this is so good so I think the way that we frame these conversations is crucial and someone left a comment just a minute ago that said the minute that I start this conversation I'll hear oh I get it I don't do anything right and so is there a way and also my cue and defensive this from last week's the four horsemen right contempt and yep yeah right and for the you who want to watch last week you can go to my Instagram I put it in my main feed you'll see a split screen with like this part of my head and then the top part of gym set click on that and when you do it'll start playing and then eventually it'll kick over to the longer video so you'll be able to see that but how do we frame these conversations because I like what you said right from the very beginning saying I'm not making a demand here I want to express a desire and so do we go ahead and say let me identify some things that I really see you doing right right now before we even get into some longings that I have of my heart and what do you have to give in in regards to this longing like how do we frame this conversation up so right from the beginning there's not it's not seen as criticism and that we don't start getting defensive right away I love the way you've set that up and it's important again back to some relationship research that shows it takes three to probably five or more full-tilt affirmations of you to cover one critique so the idea is up my relational bank account with many people have already in the red I'm not getting any stimulus check there it's worth we're in trouble relationally with the relational capital we're in trouble so if I come in and most of the time I come and say we talked about this in that but I really want to kind of really engage you when I've got a problem with you so I'm already in a deficit so I like what you've said to start with I already know that some people are going to think this sounds like a Saturday Night Live skit or it's going to sound like some satire humor to say I would like to praise you in the from you it's true so that idea of gratitude and saying can we talk and say by the way thank you for making the time I'd like to talk about this and let me say a few things and what I'm grateful for about you I think awesome really I think that's really helpful to start a conversation like this and then when we then get into here's a longing or desire that I have is there any value Jim in breaking that longing down like if I say I have a longing that every night when I go to bed that there are no dishes in the sink okay this is very basic but I may or may not have just had this conversation like this is the real stuff hey when romance becomes rich routine right so I just had this conversation last night because I really like to go to bed with a clean sink and wake up with a clean sink I don't know why that's one of my things but it is it's really in that you're healthy you're just being healthy okay thank you so last night I stood in my kitchen all my family was gathering around and I wanted soup for dinner so I ate soup for dinner but then as I finished my soup I washed my bowl I put it in the dishwasher and the rest of my family all wanted hamburgers for dinner so they were making hamburgers after I cleaned up the kitchen and so I just walked in the kitchen and I said hi everybody I would like to introduce you to some of my friends this is savage the sink savage the sink will not react kindly if dishes and food and just dirty things are left in it all night this is Katie the countertop Katie the countertop doesn't like it when she has to sit with dishes and food and and things untidy all night this is Timmy the trashcan Timmy the trashcan likes for things to be thrown away into it this has got my good veggie tale theme going this has got a book in a cartoon coming I cannot wait and this is Gabbie the dishwasher Debbie's dishwasher gladly accepts your dirty dishes every night so I went ahead and had this conversation kind of in a humorous way but just to say hey everybody if it's not if it's not too much to ask I would really love it if when I wake up tomorrow morning if the countertop is clean and the sink is clean just like it is right now and guess what I woke up this morning survey says and the sink was clean and the countertops for the most part we're clean and so what I realized is my part to give is not to expect perfection I can't have a longing a perfection but I can't express desire in my heart and if I communicate this in advance before I'm frustrated about it things go a lot better okay so I think nothing we want to know before I'm frustrated we talked last time in the video that if I hold a beach ball underwater it will come up like a grenade yeah it's like I'm stopping it stuffing and stuffing in this boom and I did a little survey this week and on Instagram just yesterday and I said in a heated moment in your relationship are you more likely to stuff or explode we have a lot more stuffers which means that we've got a lot of people stuffers are just delayed exploders stuffers or delayed exploders I'm sorry if they're not I need somebody needs to tell me about they'll they'll they'll explode and maybe they'll be like the sniper behind the grassy knoll sometimes they explode in a way that's more passive-aggressive and they have a way to snipe kind of be a sniper at you so the secret is before that moment of conflict to have some honest communication but to do it in a way that you have already put some deposits in that person's bank account what you notice they're doing right what you see that they do really well the longings that they do meet in your heart reframing this rather than laying down expectations which can be premeditated resentments or premeditated demands or instead say these are some longings are have then we're going to divide those out these are realistic these are unrealistic even tucked within the unrealistic how can we reframe it to get it more toward the realistic but also give the other person a chance to express some of their longings and desires as well that's a first-time great sign of a relationship that's moving toward health number two healthy communication skills now we've already referenced how important communication is and what we express with number one but last week you mentioned something that many people left a comment to that they would like a little more information about and that is the healthy communications contract mm-hmm and I know I've said it to you before Jim that feels so formal and stiff for a relationship and you said Lisa you're bringing relationship contracts to the table with every relationship that you have you have a relationship contract in your mind with your friends you have a relationship contract in mind with your children you have a relationship contract in mind with your spouse and so help us know how to let that work for us and not against us yeah love thank you for the question I love how you just put that what I look for especially there is there's not a relationship you have including with a pet that does not have a contract what I look for is often it's that real fine print in your contract like you better not do this and you better come through this and those things and we know them over here and to give to give some grace to our friends or partners or kids or spouses often we've never really thoroughly communicated let me tell you what I won this release but I love the humor how you went around the kitchen last night we've not and that's it that's a very it's one of the sixth major tenants in the marital research using some humor that is great for conflict and communication we've never said whether it's an expectation desire longing expecting the other person to mind-read and remember what happened I've said it less than what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas meaning if it's vague and no one knows that's where it's going to stay so to be able to communicate like in a healthy communications contract you want to speak to that for a minute yes please yeah so in the therapy world in other worlds in the ethical we have what we call beneficence and non malfeasance don't worry about those words it means do good beneficence do come on Ephesians 4:15 speak the truth in love like a dot a love agape seeking the other person's highest good beneficence do good non malfeasance is do no harm so if I can get couples sake can we stop if anybody even uncovered 19 went to the emergency room but some some issue if they were bleeding first thing they're going to do in EMTs gonna stop the bleeding we've gotta try to stop doing harm as you go to approach anything corny Jim ISM I have a lot of them say what you mean mean what you say and don't say it means huh we're already setting up the flavor the the milieu the environment that the house we're inviting them to walk into and it stinks in there there's clutter or it doesn't feel safe so say what you mean mean what you say and don't say it means the contract or do you have a printed piece do you have a form because I think a lot of people are saying do you have a form I can look at the form I do with people that is the shell of the contract what I'm saying you've got to get the setting right because if you don't people just they won't even do the contract specifics of the contract are very simple I'll do this slowly try to I talk fast at times obviously one is time of day when do we talk and like we think tough so this last time I don't want to conversation before 10 a.m. and I don't want one after 7:00 a.m. my brain is dead you said the Holy Spirit leaves the room so in the contract I have the couples I work with or even with friendships of people come up with the contract yourself they mutually come together this person on this side of the table says here's what I need here's what I don't need the other person says the same what time of day and they'll honor that and I have them write it down so folks you write your own contract down I don't want to engage and now we're talking about critical or difficult conversations we're not saying you want a cup of coffee babe we're talking about difficult conversations over finances or the kids or something else repair in the yard or something or something talk about that not before this hour not after that okay so the first part is to identify what time of day is better and for both of you to come together and talk I think this is a very link what takes compromise because the person says well I just love getting up at 6:00 a.m. but do you dude I'm wide awake I'm like don't do that so you know we have to get and you have to negotiate some people go man I'm like Dracula right I'm wide awake at 10 o'clock let's go deep yeah I want to go to deep sleep that's where I want to go so they have to negotiate that and honor where the other person is time of day that's part of the contract getting that settle okay and so after time of day is is it a place because I remember you saying one time don't have these hard conversations in your bedroom because your bedroom should be a place of sanctuary and sleep sleeping serenity and sex I say so during koban 19 I'm a realist there are people that I do counseling sessions with all on video and that's the only place they have so there are always caveat but basically because that's the place to the intimate to relax to have serenity to rest and sleep and we're bringing the tense energy so place is important and that's where not to have it now go proactive find a place to have it people have gone to Ikea or goodwill I don't care what they doing they got a couple of chairs or a little tiny loveseat or they designate even in a smaller house this is conversation corner we go here and the brain remembers when we go here we can talk about anything and we certainly can talk about conflict here so the space is important time of day space is important okay and is there anything else in the contract that we need to know because I've got mean what you say or say what you mean mean what you say mean what you say say what you mean but don't say it means and I put not but because the brain is wired to hear tune me out after the but say what you mean mean what you say and don't say it mean every house everyone listening today so my putting to come the symbols down there and ampersand the and sign that and will change your life because the brains wired to tune you out when you say but so to say and the ampersand is important that's important to frame it up time of day we have talked about last time blood sugar or like that we put this write it down on the contract now we also talked about it's hard with this one because I work with so many couples were they first before we do this have gone through what you went through you admitted this the trauma egged they've gone through their life story to look at f I T facts this happened to me I impact what did it do to me track what track have I taken we are often as the Native Americans said don't judge another Native Americans we've walked a mile in her moccasins so we are judging people there and we'd like where is this where is this person in their story so I want to put in this try to get to know your spouse's story here's one quick caveat look at your spouse gently or your good friend look at yourself what did your family of origin teach you about communication intimacy conflict how to do it and conflict resolution just ponder and eat a good meal get rested and sit your spouse away honest it sometimes that might be good at it with the therapist and said what was the framing the lenses what were these framed up this is what dad taught us about Malaysia this is what mom tells about conflict some of us I would be in this case we're in deep trouble because with kids more is caught than taught and the little seminar I was presented growing up there's not exactly a book in that there might be a thriller book or a you know a really bad novel think story think family what did this person often you're expecting them to be able to maybe you grew up in a home that was good with communication and you're expecting them to be on the same bandwidth and they're like you're speaking Chinese or Italian and they only know English oh you got a look at can they even understand you're you're a Mac and they're a PC nobody's doing anything wrong they're just operating with the system they were trained at right that's so good so Jim do you have a resource that we could post that gives some of this healthy communication contract that we could that we could provide for people okay so let's I will email that to you get to you later today for sure and then you can have it and it's just the skeleton and the outline let me do a couple more don't weaponize anything that means you don't bring up well you this and you that or like you said back there and didn't come up with the rules like no name-calling people say no cursing in the thing helps seeking to understand you want to put mirroring that mirror back what I hear you say is try to really clarify I'll come I'll type that up I've got it but I'll type it up what we do remember we let the couple come up with their own rules we take our hands off and say those are three or four guidelines you come up with the rules that you want for your relationship and then I help them negotiate because often someone says I want this rule in the relationship of the contract well I don't want that and then that's where I try to help them work through that that is so great okay we're gonna go on to number three a lot of you are asking if I'm gonna save this video so you can go back and watch it with someone later yes this video will be saved so don't worry about that it'll be live here on my Instagram stories for 24 hours and then I will also save the video and make it available to you either through my feet or I'll let you know where you can access this video so don't panic if you've missed a couple of points you will be able to go back and watch it today for 24 hours and then later yes let me speak to one comment I can't they go by so quickly at least you and I talked about this earlier this morning folks a reality as I see in the comments I see in my office a lot someone says this is all good folks this only works if it works and that is you said to my spouse won't go to counseling they won't do a contract well newsflash eyo they're in a contract whether they sign or write down okay everybody has a contract what do we do then you know we have that great verse in Matthew 18 the church discipline passage then you go to them they don't listen you try to get two to three witnesses if not take you to the church that's a concept that can work to say you know what then I'm going to go to therapy on my own or I'm gonna find a trusted friend or a pastor or somebody and go talk about this in my home because there are all kinds of people going counseling is a joke counseling is just over there just making money it's stupid and I won't go to counsel who does a contract mama dad never did that this is crazy so that he says you do your own emotional self-regulation and self-care and get healthy yourself and you don't have to show up to every drama you're invited to you do what you can we can come back and talk about that later but folks some things are hard the other person won't cooperate number co with operate to operate with cooperation they're not going to do it that's tough yeah it is and we fully acknowledge that but I do think it is important even if your spouse won't cooperate that you go ahead and meet with the counselor find a trusted friend or even a lay counselor at your church or someone that you can go and process and start your own work and again if you need a good resource for that that is easily accessible today go to the proverbs 31 ministries podcast and go to our therapy and theology series and you're gonna find a lot of amazing help to get you started even some books and recommendations that we have for you there okay number three Jim is a forgiveness plan so in our work that you and I have done I've had to do a lot of work around forgiveness and I took what you and I started and I've done over a thousand hours of study about forgiveness from the Bible so forgiveness is crucial and let me go ahead and give a couple of things that I've learned in having a forgiveness plan that I think are very important and and again I have a book coming out in November called forgiving what you can't forget I am really excited about this resource this is the book I never wanted to have to write I can find myself being very resistant to forgiveness I'm just having confession here I oftentimes will ask the question when do have to forgive and then when I'm asking that question what I really mean is it's too soon for me to forgive but then one day I wake up and say it's too late to forgive and so there never seemed to be this right time for forgiveness and what you helped me see is that pursuing health in a relationship forgiveness should be one of the first steps not one of the last steps and and also I want to say about forgiveness it's not another cruel expectation to put on yourself or that God is demanding from you the one that's hurt really it's putting a stake in the ground and saying I've suffered long enough from what other people have done to me and forgiveness is the step I can take I don't have to have the other person cooperate in any way actually forgiveness is the step I take to start my healing and to unhitch my pain from what I can't control another person doing I can't control that another person is ever going to say they're sorry I can't control that another person is ever going to see my side I can't even control that another person is ever going to acknowledge how I was hurt but I can unhitch myself from the control of their choices and say forgiveness is something that God has provided for my health and for my healing and what forgiveness is is sweeping my heart clean of further damaging emotions of bitterness resentments anger rage all of that because my heart is too beautiful of a place to carry all of those heavy emotions I've been hurt enough it's time now that I forgive and forgiveness is not necessarily made possible because I've determined that I'm gonna grit my teeth and forgive you forgiveness is not made possible by my determination it is my cooperation with what God has already given me and what Jesus already modeled and so let me just give a couple of insights about having a give this plan inside a marriage relationship we need to recognize and Jim you've taught me this that forgiveness is to two parts I need to forgive for the fact of what happened to me and so when I forgive for the fact of what happened to me I literally say I forgive you for this specific thing that hurt me and that's that's part one that's the decision of forgiveness but just but forgiveness is also a process and the process is that that fact whatever it was that hurt me it cost me something the Bible even calls we must forgive those who create debts you know it's an emotional debt when someone hurts me it's cost me something and depending on the amount that that's cost me there will be an impact attached to it so even after I make the decision to forgive for the fact of what happened later on I'm probably gonna get triggered when I'm reminded of how much this cost me I'll have anxiety or I'll have frustration and I'll start to feel like a forgiveness failure but what you've taught me Jim is that no that's not a sign that my forgiveness decision didn't take place it just means I've entered the process of forgiveness that now I need to stop and say oh this is an impact this is a reminder of how much this cost me so now I need to stop and say and now I forgive for the impact of this had on me and then you also taught me to add this little sentence in that gets right at the heart of what makes forgiveness possible I will say and whatever my feelings will not yet allow for the blood of Jesus will surely cover yes because sometimes my feelings are the last thing to sign on to forgiveness that's right but I can take a step of forgiveness acknowledge that my feelings haven't caught up with it yet and remember feelings are supposed to be indicators not dictators they can indicate yours more to be worked through but they shouldn't dictate that I don't step into this healing process of forgiveness and so I add that little sentence whatever my feelings will not yet allow for the blood of Jesus will surely cover in other words that's not a hyper spiritual thing it's just acknowledging that the cross matters it's acknowledging that Jesus did work I could never do on my own it's acknowledging that I need the blood of Jesus to cover my sin so that I can be forgiven and to the extent that I receive Jesus's forgiveness that's to the extent I'll be able to extend it to someone else the last thing I'll say about forgiveness and then I'll hush is that no goodness having a forgiveness plan which is a sign of health in our relationships having a forgiveness plan is crucial that we remember Jesus intended forgiveness to be part of our everyday process it's not just for the heart and horrific in our life but it's supposed to be something that we do first thing in the morning when we wake up we make a plan in our own heart to start the forgiveness process Jesus incorporated it from Matthew chapter 6 in his daily prayers we receive the in the day in the prayer when Jesus taught us to pray give us today our daily bread and then the rest is talking about forgiveness and confession I acknowledge I need God's forgiveness and then I'm gonna go ahead and forgive those who will create a desk or a fence with me and so Jesus taught us to do it first thing in the morning and then Ephesians chapter 4 starting in verse 26 you can read this it reminds us don't go to bed and lay in your bed and let all that anger bitterness brawling and slander sit on you so it literally says don't let the Sun go down without resolving this and sweeping your heart clean so forgiveness should be something part of our morning routine part of our evening routine and forgiveness is process that we can go ahead and make a plan for help in our relationships because of forgiveness so that's number three well I love that Lisa I really do and I just have a little prop here but you see many of before with me you know folks you can get a stack of three by five cards I like using these and you can write down I'm just using that I'm assuming this is backwards that's how it works on front facing cameras with that sets back and that says impact so get a three by five card where you can write down here something of your whole life even without a partner friends spouse here's what happened that's the fact name it specifically whatever that might be can overhear the one of the Greek words off the ami in the New Testaments to cancel the debt what is the debt what's the impact this is what it did to me the fact this this is what happened the impact is what did it do to me and write down it my view of myself of God shame my belief my whatever write this down what the impact is and I do track the team fi team I fit principle what track is that you can take that to God you might have a whole bunch of three by five cards by yourself to give to God say dot the impact of all this what it did see we know I'm the cross the impact of all of our sin Jesus did not have what we call a trauma egg he didn't have this life story full of trauma he took our trauma egg on him on the cross so he bore all of our sins like imagine all the three by five s all over Jesus with your name and my name in the sin so to look what was the impact that's the impact of our sins real clearly put him on the cross so to look and say what is the impact watch the track forgiveness is the track to say I choose to cancel the debt and then there's an emotional forgiveness that will take time it usually doesn't happen right away do you say I really feel I've canceled the dead remember it is unilateral reconciliations bilateral takes two please never confuse forgiveness with reconciliation it's nice when they shake hands and work together but forgiveness that's the prisoner free only realize the prisoner was being I am not going to sit in bitterness because that will harm my unforgiveness will harm the container it's held in me more than it will harm you who I think I'm holding it against so that piece that's a good say that comment one more time forgiveness unforgiveness harms the container container in more than it does the person you're holding it against Duke University which is right at the street from where we live here a couple hours they do have a study number of years ago that found that the number one killer in America was unforgiveness they studied longitudinally people who said all right in the study I will not forgive blah blah blah and they study them and all the manifestations in the body all the disease right so the it's kind of like forgiving unforgiveness is the COBIT nineteen of the soul because Kobe's my team's really not killing people if you look at it it's other conditions that are already there or pneumonia I'm not saying and try to be medical here but I'm saying we're finding a lot of with this Cove at nineteen thing it's just the the vehicle that's delivering death and unforgiveness will do that then will come out will they had cancer they had diabetes they had some other issues that came up and all that stressing of the body what it does in other forget unforgiveness and bitterness has massive physical side effects massive well thank you for that Jim I know we've only got 10 minutes left we've got one more to cover which is yes so we've peppered three signs of healthy relationships it's not every sign of a healthy relationship but we really want to point you toward health but I also want to say one other thing I know that forgiveness is much more complicated to work through than what we're able to accomplish right here though Jim and I have been working on some forgiveness intensives that we want to do with you originally before coded nineteen we were gonna have them in person but now we are working on doing some forgiveness intensives for individuals forgiveness intensives for couples because I truly feel like if you want to start pursuing health in a relation forgiveness is a beautiful place to start so even if you want to do it individually or you want to do it as a couple as we are gonna be offering those online there will be a cost for these because the value of them will be tremendous and if you want more information about that go ahead and send me a DM in my Instagram so you can DM me go ahead and send me a DM make sure to include your name and your email address we will collect those and make sure to reach out to you when we are ready to take registrations for that okay let's go on to number four so we've covered number one freedom to express we changed the work from expectations to longing so freedom to express longings number two healthy communication skills we talked about the healthy communications contract which we're gonna provide later for those of you who want to download that we've talked about have a forgiveness plan number four is trust Trust is the oxygen of emotional relationships and I'll never forget when my youngest grandson was born he's my only grandson but it's my youngest grandchild when he was born the nurse walked in and gave us a lesson I thought she was going to give us a lesson on how to change the diaper how to hold the head properly how to you know tend to the baby soft spot but actually what the lesson revolved around is trust and I thought it was such a beautiful thing for that to be the very first lesson that this nurse taught us about properly caring for this newborn baby because she said Trust is the oxygen through which human relationships survive if you remove trust the relationship will not be able to survive now this is a hard statement because I know what it's like to have trust broken in a relationship and I know how hard it is to repair trust so I want to acknowledge right away that once Trust has been broken in a relationship small ways or big ways it's hard to repair that but it is possible so Jim we only have about six minutes left which I know trust could be a week long conversation here but what is some of your best advice to really infusing your relationship with trust or rebuilding trust that's been broken well again we've talked about this before and certainly in therapy and theology but Trust is built over two roads time time always boots on ok time plus provable behavior so you watch you can see does the person seem like they've changed not just a little bit for three weeks but again longitudinally over a longer period of time so that's how Trust is rebuilt it can come down like the Twin Towers won in 9/11 right but it's rebuilt like we're facing and covered 19 when do we reopen how do we we open how do we rebuild trust how do we that that's so 9/11 the difference 9/11 the towers were down fast kovetz come on but in 9/11 we strawberry building pretty fast and we were not doing social distancing were we it's not the best comparison covered nineteen nine eleven so with cope with nineteen we're all making it up as we go how do we rebuild so that's kind of a paradigm we look at also the idea of trust being whether you say it's earned it's going to take some time not just for you to trust the other person for you to trust yourself I here at time and time again a person say how do you know I'm not being a fool here Jim how do you know I'm not just trusting or what Bernie Brown calls hijacking or or hot-wiring a connection real fast that's fake no it's gonna take time - so time is always implied and may I just say to give yourself permission to go forward and then back with building trust and sometimes with post-traumatic stress it doesn't mean the friend or spouse has betrayed you again you might have had a dream in the middle tonight or something on TV or the news or a friend call says my person did so-and-so and you're in that trigger nothing new has happened with this person so remember part of that PTSD so to speak will always be there I think in frustrating and I think one of the most helpful things that you've shared with me and with art is if I get triggered and I worry and so you know I'm I'm on shaky ground and I'm not sure you know is what I'm seeing what I'm really seeing or is this past trauma speaking or whatever one of the most helpful things you taught art to do when I go to him and I say I'm afraid I want to know that I'm safe I'm trying to see if there's believable behavior here one of the best things that art does and you've taught him to do this is to say of course of course you're afraid of course you need to check in and in if he gets defensive and says oh not this again whatever then it actually diminishes the trust that we are trying to build but if I go to him and he's tender and he's open-hearted he's kind he has something to give to me in saying you know of course you know share with me what you're thinking or let's process this and one of the best questions to say is do you need to talk about this or do you just need me to give you a hug and tell you it's fine I don't use that you're safe all of those things are helpful again Instagram is gonna cut us off so we only have a couple of minutes left Jim is there any last statement about trust I love what you said Trust is built time plus believable behavior I think that's excellent one less comment on trust I would say with this geez be aware of proactively building trust on both sides trusting yourself self-talk what we call emotional self-regulation speak to yourself and say I'm not crazy this could be just a bad memory or post-traumatic stress and then to be active in saying I want to literally give the person who's harmed me a chance especially if they've repented of it confessed it ask for forgiveness I wanted for every riff there's a repair in trust rebuilding you get more rips and you don't repair then that is going to organically trust from being rebuilt circle back with each other and say can we talk if you don't know it's bothering me I'm not gonna don't make me read your mind honey this is bothering me I want to talk about this G short council remember from Ephesians if you don't do that and you go to bed you're gonna get the devil a foothold you're giving statement foothold to get a hold of you not good so repair every little breach that you can and learn to trust yourself as well as trying to trust the other person absolutely and I think one of the most helpful things to remember with all that we've talked about today we've talked about freedom to express longings we changed the word for expectations to longings number one number two healthy communication skills number three have a forgiveness plan number four look for ways to build trust Trust is the oxygen of relationships and I think one of the most important things to remember in all of this is we have an enemy but it's not each other that is true and oftentimes when art and I are working on something he will remind me or I will remind him we have an enemy but it's not you we have an enemy but it's not me well thank you guys so much for joining us today I pray that you find have found this very helpful gym people can find you at gym crestcom pc ress people can find me at Lisa Turkish comm and certainly check out proverbs 31 ministries and our therapy and theology series it's great to spend a Saturday morning with you we will do this again yes yes and this will be in the arc I see the comments this will be in your my Facebook page too so the whole video in last week's is there too right yes it is yeah they can go search for that check Lisa's page and it's on my Facebook page thanks Lisa great great great work today thanks all of you for tuning in thank you so much bye-bye

Channel: Official Proverbs 31 Ministries

Views: 17,642

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Id: CM_lfGlHYLs

Length: 55min 21sec (3321 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 24 2020