30 days

okay so 30 days 30 days i'm not drinking three days i can do this today is day one and um okay so just give some context about how bad my drinking problem is okay so um i finish this in four days each time i drink it's the bottle's here right up to here and then the rest of the next time i drink here for example if i drink today tomorrow i won't drink and then the day after i will drink so it's like alternating between like being sober and completely wasted and the longest i've gone without drinking is four days in the past i don't know how many months i can't remember the last time i've been sober for more than a week so there it is i still have another bottle here it's from my last drinking session it didn't reach halfway through here though that's because i had this much left here i just poured all that into a cup and this was like the second bit sorry about the drink i would drink this much and i would need to buy another one of these i'm not gonna touch it anymore though it's day one but i really feel like knocking myself out like i already drank yesterday but i feel like it like the urge to drink feels so much like wanting a smoke except nicotine doesn't kill the craving it's like this feeding of some wanting something in your lungs or your mouth but smoking doesn't make it go away only drinking will and then if i don't smoke cause i want to smoke and just it's a mess i think i'll be a lot better person if i wasn't an alcoholic i just want to try one month to see if it's possible for the cravings to actually go away because i don't remember drinking this much back then back then maybe once every one two weeks i would drink a lot but now it's too much way so often alright so i just took a shower and today should be easy very easy well because i have a taiko tournament on osu data at 10 pm it's 8 39 i'm quite four and you know there's no way i can drink there's no way i can play a tournament like completely wasted now the question is whether i would be able to not drink afterwards and well we'll see but before that i just i gotta practice just now my sister asked me if they borrow a mouse and uh yup for my mouse and my laptop bag and my laptop was in my bag but guess what i found holy [ __ ] [ __ ] there's still more inside i don't even remember this being here it really goes to show like how freaking bad this is and you can see this is like how much is left after like maybe one drinking session if i had extra like vodka after i i don't even know this is this is just a lot i have like so much right now this is like yeah this is as good as like one full bottle all right uh we won our matches well there was only one match we won six to zero pretty good i hope that what i'm doing is going to make me feel better because i've been feeling pretty down and depressed i don't have depression but i been feeling down kind of unmotivated and low energy and stuff like that and i kind of wonder if quitting would make me feel not that way i just want to find out whether like it's the alcohol or if it's like actually me and also i mean in general it's kind of wrong if you have the urge to drink like every few days i don't feel like urge right now it's only the second day so nothing much we'll find out how i'm doing tomorrow day three and four should be the worst so yeah day three it's the morning i just woke up and i'm thinking that today i am going to weigh myself because alcohol is for calories and i want to know how much weight i'll lose by then on this if i lose any weight do i gain weight instead because i end up eating more or stuff i don't know so yeah let's just go away [Music] myself i have gained a bit of weight i mean i've been kind of fluctuating between 47.5 and like 48.5 or like 49 kg since uh corona started and i mean at least i'm not over 50 kg which means i'm too fat but like i kind of wish i was like 46 that would be nice so uh yeah we'll see so i've been doing a bit of research and basically uh i looked into the withdrawal symptoms and let's look at this okay moderate drinking is considered safe for most people over the age of 21. a drink is generally defined as i only drink hot liquor so 1.5 ounces of the 40 that i always drink uh that's 44 ml uh that's how much in a day i don't know but 44 is really really low excessive drinking is defined by the cdc as heavy drinking binge drinking or drinking that's done by anyone who is pregnant or under age 21. heavy drinking occurs when women have 8 or more drinks a week so we take one point five times times eight that's uh 352 ml that would be 11 what almost 12 ounces and since each time i drink i drink over half i mean about half of this or almost half that's 250 milliliters in one drinking session one drinking session is more than the limit of what's considered heavy drinking i've been drinking a week about three times the amount that for heavy drinking and i'm also under the age of 21. i am 20 years old this year honestly seeing these numbers they just look like baby numbers that's a lot honestly that's a lot cravings wise i haven't been really feeling it well whenever i'm on camera i don't actually feel like drinking or oh i kind of wonder if there's a point of doing any of these because i it's just carrying out your days doing nothing i mean technically there's not much withdrawal symptoms for alcohol unlike like let's say nicotine you know but i noticed that i do have really heavy cravings at one to three am my sleep hasn't changed and to be honest uh what have you run nowadays is kind of like wow there is so many hours in a day and what in the world do i do i am just incredibly bored and i don't know what to do it doesn't really help either that i stay home all day and i don't i have a very sanitary lifestyle i never leave my home for the most part we'll see it's 3 a.m and i feel a massive craving right now oh my god you know whenever this happens i just think to myself why why do i even bother what's the point of quitting but then alternatively i'm just telling myself right now what is the point of continuing or what is the point of drinking even it feels like i need to put something in my mouth maybe maybe i'll just go bust out some snacks maybe maybe i'm just hungry i haven't had dinner so okay uh it's 3 a.m i'll come to this day for uh i'll be going out later i really feel like i need to get out of the house it's still dark out because it's really early the sun isn't out but something of my body is just telling me i need to get out of here man i want to be outside you know uh i really have very crazy cravings today because i feel productive and usually after like finishing a video or something i would definitely drink and even if i just finished halfway or like i feel like i've been productive i would drink the celebrate and that's how it works and today because i haven't been drinking i've been doing a lot of things and like yeah i feel good i want to drink and then just relax but i can't i thought it's really nice saying about when you're sad you drink when you're happy you drink to celebrate and then when you're bored you drink so that something will happen and that's exactly how i feel except that i don't drink when i'm sad i kind of stop drinking whenever i'm sad because usually it doesn't end well usually it just made me feel worse i remember in on my 18th birthday when it's legal for singaporeans to drink i drank myself to sleep at my computer like how i even drink now i only drink from my computer at home and i was sad i blacked out because i drank that much just a sign of me becoming an alcoholic i spent the entire night crying my bit and i don't remember that i was going to sleep but then i just spent the entire time just crying i guess i don't remember that well when you drink so much until you get like blacked out you will do something really stupid you will be embarrassing so don't drink makes you lose control i don't even want to drink when i'm happy now or like bored it's not good okay so i'm at zacchi's place today and i used to drink here too and uh i don't know why he keeps the bottles the empty bottles because i don't know i think he thinks yeah he thinks they look cool but like it's just like a really really ugly reminder of like way too many bottles i understand keeping one kind of each but isn't this a bit too much where they have like bottles landing on the back or some [ __ ] but that's if you put all them a row or something and there are different kinds we should get rid of this and i think these are like a few months old because i see like gordon's here that's a brand that i stopped buying like a little while ago and if you want my opinion on gordon's versus absolute vodka um gordon's have more taste absolute just tastes like pure alcohol so it's not as bad as man of smell of tasted like permanent marker and yeah we'll get rid of these later [Music] i'm home i really want to drink are we fine 5 15 am now the question is what's the point in changing was there really a point why do i bother change at all does it make me feel better what's the point of being a good person you know it's not like people care if i were the same as i was back then as long as i didn't get into trouble it's not like i would have because i don't talk to anyone why change why bother or because it makes me feel nice like i'm doing something good i'm doing something about myself why do i do the things i do i'll figure it out someday i played some sound vortex today [Music] it was fun but because i pushed my third monitor backwards i broke my micro hdmi cable from my camera you can see how the third screen push back was to break the cable coming off from the side right well it didn't break it but i bent the cable i tried bending it back but the cable hit basically broke clean off i got to buy a new cable tomorrow on thursday it kind of sucks but it's not the underworld alcohol costs four times the price of a new cable so it's not awful i don't really feel any heavy cravings today maybe they're finally gone [Music] i feel irritated i have no idea why cravings are going away ever since like uh to start this morning cravings are not as strong as they were and it's getting easier to get over the cravings i still miss the feeling of being like completely wasted but it gets easier i guess tomorrow should be day 7 and day 7 should be when all the alcohol is completely out my body so craving should be much easier i think i mean my mood has been getting better in general like i don't feel down anymore but like i feel strangely irritated right now for some reason i'm pretty bored like i'm freaking bored i'm bought like all the time now i'm downloading some vr games so like i can play some vr maybe play some beat saber later i guess and then after that i'll just take a shower and that's it i'm actually torn between whether i should upload this to my main channel well main channel i do have a spam channel i just upload random stuff there i generally like making videos so this video was made for myself i don't see a reason why i should put this on my main channel other than the fact that it's it's nothing to do with what my channel does but it's more of like i've always been a kind of private person it's not that i am afraid of saying these kinds of things to people it's more of like who can watch this video because people who don't like me they can watch this video and i don't like that not because that i feel like they have ammo against me i feel like it's rubbing in people's faces like not even to people i don't like but people in general that like i'm doing something about my life oh i'm being productive oh no there is nothing superior or proud of trying to quit alcohol in the first place it shouldn't even have been a problem and about those people i don't like i'm sure a lot of people who even managed to watch this far are thinking oh people don't like you they're just haters uh no they're not just haters they're like i wouldn't even call them critics they're just people who do not like me and there's always those people out there who just would go out of their way to look through all the things about someone they don't like and i don't like people who don't like me seeing my ups and downs i wouldn't call this a down i wouldn't call it up either but i feel like if i'm going to change become a better version of myself why do i have to prove that to people at all like not even just to people i don't like but to people in general like why do i have to tell people i've changed if i've really changed i wouldn't need to announce it the world although i am conflicted to whether i should upload this my main channel because um money and plus i'm thinking maybe this would help other people too if they're trying to quit although i don't think my channel's audience or demographic would be suffering from any sort addiction at all other than maybe game addiction yeah and i was also thinking about a couple days ago i was wondering like what's the point of even borrowing to change things are technically fine the way they are i did a bit more thinking about it i've been reading like books well i'm reading one book right now i'm thinking about getting into philosophy it sounds nice and minimalism yeah i feel my things minimalism sounds nice it's not about changing for the sake of change it's about what do i want out of changing and i didn't know and i still don't know what i just want in general i don't know anything at all i have no goals i have nothing really makes me happy i don't particularly enjoy anything like everyone says oh jordan you love ruining games yeah i just hate rhythm games less than other things like you rather choose between playing minecraft and a random game i picked the running game minecraft is fun but i just have a preference like it's so hard to get into games i'm actually not a gamer i have like a decent pc and all i do is watch youtube videos on it it's reset but yeah okay tangent over what do i want down this so i did a bit of thinking and i read from well the book on i've quit drinking now what it's a good book they asked me exactly what i wanted out of sobriety and i thought about it and now that i'm not drunk all the time i can use the time on other things and the other things is well i want to make more friends well not more but like i just want to make friends i want to go out with friends more often because i stay at home all the time of course it's not good in this climate right now since there's like the pandemic going on but yeah i want to hang out with friends i want to go outside i want to have a life outside of my computer and the internet you know i've always been someone who lived purely on internet i had nothing else and i am your textbook internet dweller e-dating twitter relationships i've done it all not something very nice to admit though ever since i became a youtuber i started having less friends like i already had friends and also but then when i became a youtuber i stopped talking to them it's not like i chose to stop talking to them or they chose to stop talking to me we just drifted apart i guess i guess it's just that feeling of like oh that person has taken off for you like it's hard to relate to them now yeah in general i don't really have many friends i think i only talk to two people every day of course it's discounting all the people that actually are friends with me i think what i want out of being sober is i want to be able to connect with my friends better and what i don't want out of stopping sobriety is like i don't want to spend money on alcohol anymore i don't want to ramble and argue people are drunk anymore especially on twitter you know what i don't even need to be drunk to be arguing with people on twitter the tutor is successful this has gotten kinda long the seventh day do i feel like my head has gotten clearer no not really i don't feel lighter i don't feel more focused although i don't notice that i've been losing my phone a lot less in my own house that is one thing i always did i always put down my phone and just forget where i put it but like now it's not happening anymore oh i'm just keeping a better eye on my phone i have no clue i had a craving earlier because i was thinking about man i miss being drunk but it's better to just keep referring to what do i want out of not touching alcohol someone messed up all the t-caps on this and you can see this here's this yep nice the cable time to go home day eight there's people over today mom's friends and relatives i finally cleared up my area because one thing i realized about drinking was that it was a way for me to put off my responsibilities and especially things i wanted to do but just could not bring myself through so i was just like i'll do it later and i'll just drink and i mean of course this is it can happen to anyone even without drinking but now that i have so much time in my hands ever since i stopped i might as well do something about it so i think i will show you guys like a tour of what i've changed to be honest it still looks kind of messy but i think it's because i don't have cupboards so yeah i don't think i've shown you guys my room this is my bed yeah i have it opened right now and i'll show you guys what i tied it up i basically shifted a lot of my stuff into my uh underneath my bed and this shelf here i don't know if you guys noticed but i am staying in a the same room as three of my siblings this is why i don't have my computer in my room it's just in the living room i technically do not have any personal private space so i shifted my controllers in underneath my bed this tadakon is a ps4 tatacon it's the cheese and i have the knock-off drum there down here is the official one i put it close to the outside of the bit because i'm going to use it quite often so yeah and then i have the guitar and these are multi-colored muffs for my mic so i can change colors when i feel like it but i don't think i will there's a guitar and then i have a bag of a lot of wires a bunch of boxes and a lot of stuff and this is a shelf i have my rode nt1 mic there it's a condenser mic i stopped using it because condenser mics pick up pretty much everything so yeah i have my keyboards here happy hacking this is the ipo maker keyboard this time i built it myself it's never actually seen on my channel it has fake metropolis keycaps on it i have a copy of yuri here that i got from japan these books are like my diaries from when i was like really young and a bunch of random sketchbooks these here are my bali songs and this is my favorite one the nautilus yeah very cool valley song and more keyboards i have my laptop and all the boxes for the keyboard stuff down here yeah the lighting in this room is not very good i do think that some people do know that i do flip on my second channel not tokaku i did review the nautilus on it and all the comments are just like oh my god i clicked into a flipping video for a review and i can't believe i heard that voice is so familiar and it's tokaku yeah so some people know although one thing to note is that their novels are reviewed in the video it's blue but this one is red so what happened to the blue one well um when i was drunk last year i always carry my nautilus in my bag i went downstairs while drunk to like smoke have a cigarette and the next day i just could not find my nautilus anymore and it is one of the most expensive losses i've made and it's all because i was drunk it's not the only thing i've lost all drunk but all the other things that i've ever lost they were smaller things but the nautilus is 250 300 this is not cheap and i remember in my nautilus video i i didn't flip for the camera and people were angry that like what is this bigger doing with such an expensive knife i'm a collector if i'm going to invest in a hobby i mean at least get something decent at least now sober i won't lose and make such an expensive mistake it's one of the not so good things about drinking honestly i just finished keyboard review i've uploaded it and i'm surprised i don't feel like drinking i don't feel like celebrating that i've finished a video done my job i'm surprised i am genuinely surprised if there is one thing i love doing more than anything else i wouldn't be able to answer but one of the few things i really enjoy is doing mic tests today we'll be testing voice recorders these are two really cheap voice recorders they look like they are 5 to 15 usd let's start with this one so you might notice there is no mic input port on these i don't understand why because i will see more people buying these to record audio like for lavalier you know you can see the other one is charging here the buttons are very plasticky the mics on top look much better no it looks better than the other one so let's hear how they compare hello are you recording it sounds like this thing is peeking and i'm not even speaking into it i'm like sitting pretty far away from i can see that this is the mic and this is where i'm speaking into it okay now it sounds like it's not peeking is there any way to adjust volume listening because it doesn't look like there's a way a good way to have the sound sounding good is you put it close to your mouth like this i really want to know how this sounds does not seem like it would sound very great all right now let's look on the next one this one has a headphone jack but it doesn't have a mic jack why hello okay so i can tell when i look at the screen of this you can see that when i speak it seems that the update of the mic levels is very slow that's a bit weird all right so let's see how does it sound when i speak like this is there like condenser going on this because like if there was a content so it might actually sound pretty good that's it for my mic tests this is the kind of thing that i always do in my free time but yeah wow this place is a lot more crowded than i thought that's a lot of people i mean i guess it makes sense it's sunday after christmas i saw a post on instagram about don't complain about a crowd you are the crowd and i don't agree i'm literally only outside my house if i'm running an errand and i'm here because i want to buy something not because there's a sale or anything even if it was like a day where nobody would be here i would be here to do my thing anyway we just so happened to be the same time whenever i feel like annoying myself i go to challenger and go to the keyboard section and press the spacebars of the keyboards on display and trigger myself alright so this is the reason i'm here i am going to the bookstore actually i came here because i wanted to open a bank account except that the bank is probably closed by now since i woke up so late and after i need to go to daiso so yeah i feel like a lot of people in on twitter need this book forgive me if i'm stupid but what's the difference between these two books this one sticker it's a hard case and i'm pretty sure that the train station this one's different uh the sun is shorter it seems shorter so why is this one shorter in german i didn't know there were this many people running errands today why are people here anyway i guess it's because it's the weekend why do people go to shopping malls on weekends what do you do there other than eat all right here area daiso japan let's hope there's no queue pain okay i'm here today because i'm looking for drawers for my shelf so that it'll look more tidy i guess i'm looking for tiny drawers oh i think i needed this this is perfect i think i'll just get that shelf everything here is like storage boxes that will make my area look kind ugly alright gonna take the train time to go home i look real edgy today i have no idea why i think it's my fridge it's not listening to me it's just covering one eye for some reason oh my [ __ ] god just a warning for anyone going the suntech the third machine from the left the b button it's faulty it's not working very well when the machines here are kind of wet like you see this light but the switch itself inside is like talking it's like the button is working and not working you have to press really hard it's just splashing or something that only can be noticed when you press it like and do jacks i have no idea yeah it's so rigged wow there's like no strength in the claw it's okay that's a pretty bad thing i miss at the end it's all right oh wow it feels like a month has passed it feels like time is incredibly slow right now holy [ __ ] i can't believe it's only been a little over a week wow i mean i'm not bored anymore but it just feels so slow also i have a center cutting right now holy [ __ ] is bad i feel like no matter what i do this back area here it's never going to look neat why do i feel like how it looked like before had way more personality to it i mean i guess it looks a little neater but it still suffers from the case of just way too many things and too little space how do people make things look neat did it look better before does it look better now i'm going outside again third day in a row i'm not bringing on my camera today because my background weighs like a bomb and christmas is very over so i'm not gonna bring more bags and turn myself in a christmas tree it's out of season already man why did god have to create mess and wait i could really do without it you know because i really feel like if i'm going to actually fall down the train my back is going to land on the floor and i'll be the cause of my unexpected terrorist attack it's been hours since i left the house and all i did was just hang out at starbucks and do nothing because i figured that if i stayed at home i would fall asleep at 10 a.m and only wake up at maybe six or seven which is pretty bad since i'm meeting a friend today kind of forced myself to go out to starbucks at like seven in the morning to just sit down here and not fall asleep like i am kind of falling asleep but at the same time it's so uncomfortable to actually sleep here so i guess i might be able to fix my sleep schedule if i actually managed to pull off this all-nighter but who knows and the reason why i'm outside today is because my friend and i are gonna go through my resume and the things i've done in school so i can try to apply for jobs i figured it's finally time that i you know do something about my resume and applying for jobs i kind of been holding it off because i might as well do youtube for a bit and like um it's probably shitty my job right now you know covered and all i want the job i kind of like being productive i can see myself becoming a workaholic so yeah i'm going to go and see him later but right now i'm just trying to fight the urge of falling steve and i'm just reading i guess let's talk about money today is day 13 i think i'm starting to lose count of the days already because they're all starting to blur together i think that's like a good thing that means i'm not thinking so much about alcohol i don't have heavy cravings anymore like ever since day six seven it just kind of disappeared i do still have triggers though like when i see someone say uh take a shot for every x or something like that i'm just like i wanna take a shot you know oh people are saying that oh i'm drunk right now they talk about drinking i miss it i think about the old memories but i don't really think about like doing it right now like taking out the alcohol so yeah back on topic so of course by how much i drink i'm gonna finish the bottles really quick and buying new bottles buying money i'll say everything in hdd but on the screen i'll convert it to usd for you guys one bottle here is like uh fifty sixty dollars but i usually buy sixty five dollars and then there's like another ten dollar delivery fee since i ordered deliveries each time i drink which means every two three days that's seventy dollars and even before i started this whole sober thing i actually was putting in some effort to improve my life and that was actually starting to track my expenses because i noticed that every single month i would end with almost zero my bank account and i basically had no savings and i'm just wow i had so many opportunities to save this year like this year i managed to make like an okay amount money actually like a very low paying full-time job kind of thing but i still did not manage to save i have no debt i don't have any rent or anything so why am i not saving why am i spending almost to zero so uh i said to download money managers so that i can keep track of my expenses even though i downloaded the money manager i didn't manage to save money i still ended a month with like close to nothing so 15 days before this whole no alcohol thing i did try to check my money and so i can see that during those 15 14 days how much i spend on alcohol and uh in about 15 days 226 so that means in the past two weeks i've saved another 226 dollars on alcohol that's a lot of money so it means that each month i spend 450 to 500 on just alcohol that's a lot it's a significant amount definitely significant it's not only alcohol i have issues with i spend a lot money on takeout food and taxi rides and just i spend so much money this month i am making sure that i save money no more taking taxi i will use the train and bus no more buying take out food i'll go outside and buy food caught food or something and most obviously no more alcohol that's 500 saved in a month i really need to get my life in order i absolutely destroyed my sleep schedule i think it's pretty obvious that i sleep at really weird times because you can tell from the timings in the days where i do put the timings like i'd be awake at 3am or like 4am or 5am yeah you guys already know that a few days ago i tried to fix my sleep by pulling in all day basically that day i started 8pm but then i woke up at 2 am so that was 6 hours of sleep i definitely should have slept a lot more but i didn't because i don't know the sleep that just didn't want to be paid off so the entire day i was just sleepy and then when i did finally sleep at 10 pm i woke up at 4 a.m this morning and i'm just why six hours again where the hell is the sleep depth going and then i felt so tired entirely after staying up from 4am to 12pm i ended up just falling asleep at 12 and then i woke up at 10pm which brings me here it's 10 pm i really need to fix my sleep i want to have a normal sleep schedule and to be honest my completely destroyed sleep schedule is because i think half of it is alcohol or maybe like 80 of it because whenever i drink alcohol i would wake up at a way earlier timing like maybe four or five hours of sleep and then that would turn into my sleep schedule since i drink so often alcohol had been destroying my sleep and fixing at the same time like sometimes my completely wax sleep would just be fixed by alcohol just somehow and i'll be happy that it's finally fixed and then it will get completely destroyed again alcohol i probably would have maintained a consistent sleep schedule just like how i did for the past two weeks if i didn't drink which i haven't it's day 14. it's the new year you know what that means new year new me and that means i'm going to delete my twitter account i hate twitter it taught me to not have an opinion everyone there is so convinced that they are correct it's like talking to a brick wall in every reply tweet or comment that i make there's an opinion it opens the gateway to the worst replies it doesn't mean that i don't want to listen to criticism if i'm wrong but the issue is that a lot of things argued are debatable and subjective views and opinion of what someone sees as morally correct but people still try to paint it in a pure right and wrong terms there's so much black and white thinking in this platform you have to pick a side or else but then when you do pick a site you're destroyed for having that opinion for twitter it doesn't matter what you do in the end you just get the extremes and another thing is that arguing on twitter is very public and very heavily focused on things like ray showing someone leaving massive burns or clowning on another user is that watching a twitch streamer drama as a bystander every argument is treated like this the worst part is that there are extremists on the website that grow more and more deluded every single day there are people who sprout men are trash and get a ton of likes and support in one tweet and then on another tweet people are parading with women deserve lifts and on either tweets you get talked down you disagree with them these people think they're right and you can't change it so that is such a toxic place what's the point arguing the website has gotten so negative that you don't even need to look for it any big tweet with hundreds of thousands of likes and replies we'll have a bunch of people arguing under even if it's just a random meme if you still don't understand how bad it is you know scarce the drama channel go watch your video take note of what drama he's actually reporting it's always about twitter i have always thought that if i were ever famous on also twitter i'd engage in drama and talk about my real opinions here and there because that's what made someone feel real to me instead of a safe brand but acting that way i don't like it why did i look up to people who fight and are so aggressive top kaku ended up becoming a filtered and exaggerated version of myself holding all my most extreme personality traits i've been stupid and like a fool on twitter for the longest time fighting people and being a dumb idiot and so i end up being conditioned to just not say a thing anymore comment on something that's less significant than myself and i'm using my platform to cancel someone abuse my power comment on the bigger picture and it just brings in heated arguments you can't get a meaningful conversation on twitter and this feeling of wanting to lead topkaku it's not new i've always felt this way and i did at some point last year but i came back and tried to make just only business related helpful or fun tweets but drama was still everywhere the place is too negative and i became bitten angry after spending hours growing through the website i stopped looking at twitter two months ago i spend less than 20 minutes on the website each day i visit now it's really sad i enjoy sharing things there especially things that i think that will make people laugh or learn but right now the number of bad really are ways too good but takaku you have so many followers and banger tweets who cares bye i'm outside today i'm going to be going to the shopping mall it's been raining a lot since yesterday and today is no exception i forgot to take umbrella i couldn't get across the road but then there was this really nice lady that lent me her umbrella like she was going to cross the road and she had a brother and she was like oh wanna share and i was like oh wow there's really nice people out there you know there's not much people around it's 11am it's not my fault when this place gets crowded i just come here whenever i wake up i guess i guess i came here a little early well this is a very striking piper what in the world is this ask zetchy i confirmed him first before deciding to just write everything newspaper if you want to cheap out it's this if you ask i'm afraid that if i do ask anyone else they would be they get an offense though but people are different i guess it's the thought that counts you know at this point i have no idea what's correct or wrong or like what to do i have no idea i bought no longer human because he said he wanted to read it and this book is like it's 25 if the gift wrap is gonna be another like five ten dollars that would be quite pricey i also had to top out my train bus cart with another 20 cause it ran out of money uh i have a couple of gifts for him i think this is also an eight dollars it's eight ball actually let's play with the eight ball bit how will my sobriety go will i be able to be sober for the rest of my life focus and ask again you can count on it hey okay let's ask another one will i be rich in 10 years time positively well this thing is giving me very nice answers okay uh let's see will i live to age 80 positively huh will i still be doing youtube in year 2022 positively wait is this 8 ball broken why is he only showing me the nice answers okay let's just ask something ridiculous like um is this eight ball accurate yes all right let's just start wrapping [Music] everything this is very terribly right it's not too late to make new year's resolutions right now right it's only the 2nd of january i think i should pick up gift wrapping it's day 18 and it's 9 40 a.m right now i'm still trying to fix my sleep a lot of people say that when they quit drinking they feel like they can sleep better and a lot of articles say that but for me i noticed that even when i quit drinking even before i tried to fix my sleep schedule i didn't necessarily rest better i always wake up feeling tired and it has nothing to do with drinking it seems i mean right now i'm waking up at a more normal time but i still feel tired all the time i don't have any addictions to caffeine that's something to note i said a couple of weeks earlier that drinking made me ignore my responsibilities and now i'm finally getting around to doing them like cleaning out my area now the more heavy things are starting to hit me and heavy things like my future and everything and oh my god life is really really stressful it makes me want to drink to cope but i also don't want to drink because i know if i drink i'll get distracted and it just goes to show the entire time me drinking is just avoiding the problem and not actually doing anything it's a it is really an unhealthy way to cope when i look at this i don't feel like drinking it smells like ethanol it is alcohol i'm afraid that if i drink again i'll just spiral back to zero i don't get cravings anymore i don't really miss this sometimes i do it's more of like i miss how it's like to really completely let loose with this thing i guess because now that i'm facing i'm now in real life it makes it really scary that i'm here and i don't really want to be here i mean on the bright side i don't feel the compulsion to doing this but boy i hate the feeling of stress so much well all things considered i'm doing pretty well it is day 18. i'm at a genuine loss my dudes oh my god this is the third time i'm redesigning trinitam for yankon okay this is the first design it fell through because of issues with the hardware aspects of the controller so each version i had to create a complete new design well animatedly the first design is not very good i don't like it it wasn't meant to be curved here it was meant to be like a hexagon like the actual game but then like ren was like no copyright and i was like okay i guess i'll just move it out i don't really like design but like i guess it looked kind of okay i mean okay fine this is version one it wasn't that good all right and it is version oh version 2 looks so good i think it looks nice it's a white theme and even in black team it looks good it looks fine it looks nice look at it i i think it looks better than dao's controller i mean look at the leds at the top and everything this is like this this is clean but but but now this what how is this the shape of the controller is completely different what do i do i'm seriously not cut out for any kind of creative work i don't know how i'm working on part-time design for urine and i'm a content creator on youtube i hate using my brain to come up with new ideas why am i in this industry i want a drink yeah i feel like drinking i feel really stressed i'm just thinking about how incompetent i am i don't really have any confidence in my abilities or my future the stress and anxiety of everything is killing me i feel down my head doesn't feel clearer i've gotten used to the lifestyle of not only having half a day i'm used to having full days now even with the full days and all the time i feel like i'm not doing enough i need to make videos i need to work on projects to work on my portfolio i should go get a ccna certification and more itc certifications looking to restudy aws work on better quality videos and then have a full-time job at the same time i don't know if i can do all that i just i want to take a shot just to relax i don't want to think about things i'm going to be finding a job in february i don't have much time left i'm afraid when i go look for a job they'll look at me and ask me what do i know i don't know anything i feel like i'm terrible at technology i'm not that good at coding since i've been busy with youtube i haven't been doing enough projects do i have time what do i do how do i get started i feel like there's so many things i need to do i feel like quitting has just made me more stressed than ever all right so i just took a shower and i'm updating my diary i haven't been able to update my diary or these 30 days in the past four days because i've been pretty busy not busy but by the end of the day i'm too tired to do anything i had a friend come over on thursday so it was a friend that i haven't spoken to since secondary school which was about four or five years ago and then on friday i was really busy practicing for the beginner cycle tournament and then on saturday i had to go again to go on my friend and finish booking my resume my resume isn't finished but it's 80 90 done it's just formatting that's left and then and i had to do the taiko's tournament i had a lot of fun it was good good stuff oh man my accuracy is terrible oh but it's okay it's okay man this person got off ss she's insane we did our best though we did so good today good job singapore we have our strengths that we play of each other the past few days i've already been thinking about drinking or updating this so being sober and having a lifestyle outside of alcohol is sinking in now it's really what i'm living except that i keep thinking to myself lately like even right now that like i've already been going strong for over 20 days it's the 24th day today and it wouldn't hurt to take a shot right or like drink and relax and celebrate that i want to reward myself but i can't i still don't know what to do after the 30 days i'm afraid that like if i drink i would start drinking like the way i used to like i'll start telling myself know it should be called maybe after a few days i'll be like yeah i deserve this and then i'll drink like a shot or two and then i'll keep drinking and drinking and drinking spiral back to where i was i don't know i am afraid but things are going well and it's still the 24th day i think i'll think about this more and reconsider what i'll be doing after the 30 days because do i want to be sober for life or do i just want to try to control but i'm so afraid of spiraling after going back to alcohol you know if i go back yeah so a couple days ago my headphones died guys my old headphones broke how did my headphones break well the cable is very fragile so i guess my chair rolled over the cable and like it went bye-bye they are suddenly working again honestly what i think about the arctis 9 of headphones i like their sound they're very balanced the hyperx cloud 2 headphones which i do have which i was using yesterday and the day before is too bassy but honestly though these headphone wires they are so fragile especially this chat mix dial that they give you which i don't really use i don't use it that much i don't need it all i have to use it if i wanted lights on my headphones which there's no lights right now because i'm just using a headphone jack adapter you see this it's connected so if any part of this cable here breaks the entire thing is useless and it costs 30 to replace can you see how thin and shitty this wire is look at the other wires i have for headphones they're almost so much more durable if like a chair would roll over i usually don't drink energy drinks whenever i do drink monster it's usually because i'm mixing it with vodka because it kind of masks the alcohol tastes pretty well now i'm drinking a monster to stay awake for the rest of the day since nowadays i've been waking up at 6 a.m no matter what time i sleep so i am dead tired and i usually can't stay awake for the rest of days so i'm drinking it and boy this is like man i feel like drinking alcohol it makes me feel like i'm drinking alcohol with all the alcoholics inside i really want to mix i want to mix alcohol right now with this thing yeah here's another thing i keep my bottles down here because i don't know it's a weird thing to describe it's like usually keeping things that i'm trying to stay away from away from me would be a good thing but except somehow this being so close to me right at my desk is like a good thing for me for some reason i know i can pick this up whenever i want to and drink but then i just don't i guess that part of it makes me feel better stronger how i managed to stay away from alcohol this long is just telling myself i'll do it later instead of telling myself that i can't do it for some incredibly long time or like for forever it's always there to tell myself that i can always drink it but later i think it's something like that today is the first day that i've managed to get a good night's sleep oh my god that's so nice i never managed to feel rested for so long yeah you can see here that for the first time i got 100 sleep quality by the way the app is called sleep cycle if you guys are interested in tracking your sleep yeah you can see in my other days that i've had very very bad steep quality this one's decent the one before that not so great i managed to fix my sleep schedule i now wake up early in the morning i started out the 30 days with waking up at incredibly weird times but now i'm back at a normal sleep time let's talk about how i started this whole thing i didn't start this entire thing with a huge plan it wasn't meant to be a big thing in the first place it was kind of like a friend sent me a video of rusty cage going 30 days with alcohol and he said oh you should watch this maybe you can try going sober too and i was like i'll watch it tomorrow and then and i drink a lot and then the next day i was like okay let's watch the video and then for some reason after watching the video i was like it's day one let's do it and that's how this entire thing started i really didn't expect myself to be even finishing this or sticking to it i thought i would probably break or give up halfway but somehow i just kept going here i am it's day 26 and it's only four more days until the 30 days is over the greatest things you could do for yourself it doesn't need to start with a lot of planning sometimes you just gotta just do the best decisions i made my life the habits that define me and things that i become i never actually think of doing them or like forcing myself to do them or making a habit it's kind of just on a whim okay i'll be like this now a lot of things that i become huge fans of or make into a habit like liking wooden games i never expected to be into them it's just like i did them casually and then sunny boom i'm into it same with this whole thing i didn't have big expectations for myself and what am i going to do after the 30 days i think i'll stop i've come to realize that i'm not a casual when it comes to drinking i'm no social drinker i really don't see any point of drinking a beer or cider at all to me drinking is like you got to get almost wasted or like pretty wasted you know that's not healthy at all and it just means that if i do get a drink or drink at all i would go all the way and i don't want to be like that anymore i will spiral if i go back but right now as i say this to you guys i'm just thinking in my head a cider won't hurt a beer won't hurt maybe just a bit of red wine or white wine do i want to give up i'm still so not sure i think there's a problem with the whole i'll do it later mindset because in the end you never actually decide what to do i never really thought about this whole quitting thing it's something i think about but i should still be proud that i managed to stick this song and honestly a lot of this being sober i owe it to my friends people are told about that i'm doing this and especially to my patrons because you guys are seeing my week to week updates each week i upload you guys are like oh wow this is amazing you're doing great for yourself and we are proud of you and we are supporting you i owe a lot of my thanks to my patrons i really like my patreon not because it gives me money every month but because my patreon has a very different culture compared to my actual channel if anything i actually treat my patreon as a very therapeutic thing for myself i upload videos that i want to share with my patrons because to me my patreons are a lot like friends than viewers that are paying our supporters they're just straight up my friends to me every time i look on my patreon i feel so good and nice if it's nicer than actually publishing a video to my main channel i'm so surprised that she did pick up a book and read it i finished reading the last days of socrates by plato so the socrates in this book is the platonic version i've realized that i may be stupid i read the last chapter fatal and i only understood one quarter of it i think i'm stupid i mean i see the words the meaning goes in my head but it's not i'm not understanding it like he goes on about opposites and cycles and his justifications to why the soul exists after death which just is not going into my brain i might have to reread this but oh wow i can't wait to start my next book which is meditations by marcus aurelius is that how i pronounce it but yeah day 26 still not sure what i'm going to do after the days i lost a bit of weight just a little bit how come right i don't think i'm doing it right we still need to toast for another few minutes yeah oh it's starting to look good it looks so gross shouldn't caramel be turning brown yeah but not yet i think it's not caramelizing just yet that's a lot of ice that's so gross yeah it's not caramel yet oh yeah still kind of watery too we [ __ ] up what is this oh boy it looks like chocolate and they're very sticky and they're stuck together they're like rock i like it though really it kind of looks like chicken like drumsticks the taste of the sugar is very strong it tastes like melted sugar more than caramel but it's good it's good it is like popcorn it's day 30. i have to make a video it's the last day i'll talk about it i've talked a lot about different things this entire time now that is the 30th day i should wrap up a couple of questions i had since the very beginning i think the very first thing i asked was i just want to try one month to see if it's possible for the cravings to actually go away i think they are gone like the physical cravings or one thing to drink and that kind of thing they're gone but do i still feel like drinking sometimes i wouldn't call them cravings they're like temptation like the thought that makes you want to do it again you know the good thing about these temptations is that they don't feel very strong and i always can say no to them just by doing something else so yeah it's a lot easier the next one is do i still feel bored i am just incredibly bored and i don't know what to do i think it's normal to feel boredom everyone feels bored even without alcohol the thing is i don't feel extremely bored like i did at the very start where like i felt like i had no idea what to do with all the free time this entire 30 days i've used my free time on pretty much everything else now i know how i feel it's like to live a normal life doing normal things from the time i wake up that time i sleep and i think another question i raised on the second day was i don't have depression but i been feeling down kind of unmotivated and low energy and stuff like that and i kind of wonder if quitting would make me feel not that way i just want to find out whether like it's the alcohol or if it's like actually me i think it's the alcohol i'm not completely sure there's a lot of alcohol that made me feel depressed it was like wasting the days away having absolutely no goals since i was living in a bliss where i just passed time it was depressing and something feel down about but now that i'm sober i don't feel as down because i actually right now have to give a [ __ ] about things going on in my life i'm too stressed to be down i'm too busy to feel down one thing i realized from the this whole 30 days thing that i didn't even realize that i would feel was control i didn't really care much for control because i mean i'm and i was an alcoholic the whole point of drinking is just so that you have absolutely no control and i didn't realize that that no control it also extends to your entire life i generally had no control over what i was doing in general i had no long-term goals nothing i just can't if i was wasted half of the time and the other half was recovering i can't actually do anything productive it's hard to work on long-term things when you're like there it's hard to tell whether being sober brings this much benefits like how my life is turning up and whatever i mean of course it makes sense because i'm recovering from the damage i've done being drunk all the time but the things that most people who don't even drink they don't want tract expenses to watch their sleep three think extremely hard about their finances in future i mean of course this is a normal thing that a lot of adults do but i don't think people my age think that hard about it like [ __ ] like insurance you know i mean i'm not sure i don't speak for the average person though maybe i'm actually supposed to be doing these things but they just didn't realize i guess going sober has given me so much time to actually do things productive for myself it gave me a chance to improve my life so i guess if you have any addictions that you think you should be getting rid of and using as a time or a chance to improve yourself well it's still early in january and the year so new year's resolutions i guess i mean it just so happened that this whole sober thing it coincided with the time of dry january apparently i think in the uk for people to go for dry january where they don't drink alcohol for entire january i mean oh no today is the last day do i feel in a hurry for the end so i can drink somehow no it doesn't feel any different whether it ends now or not because i don't really see any reason to be drinking anymore 30 days i can't believe i managed to do it i feel like a different person not when i i feel like me again you know i have not felt this in a long long time there is outcome that i'm just so surprised okay now for the rest they couldn't improve my sleep no did it make my hair feel clearer no do i feel less down yes did i have much physical side effects no i didn't have the shaking or the other stuff i think my short-term memory has gotten better i'm not sure though i really haven't lost this in a long while day 30 i've done it i can't believe it of course for the entirety of today i still can't drink because it's still the last day but am i gonna drink tomorrow no i'm not i'm busy tomorrow and i'm gonna be busy for the rest of my life thanks for sticking around this song guys it's a very very long video and this month felt like three months honestly it is the 21st of january day 35 today is my birthday happy birthday to you happy [Music] gosh that sounds terrible [Music] [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: tokaku

Views: 513,736

Rating: 4.9681907 out of 5

Keywords: sober, 30 days no alcohol, my first 30 days sober, no drinking, I quit alcohol, alcohol, 30 days, challenge, drinking, beer, booze liquor, vlog, rusty cage, documentary, documenting, dry january, vodka, quit alcohol, 30 day experiment, habit, quit, education, sobriety, quitting drinking, quitting alcohol, sober challenge, transformation, stop drinking, 30 days no alcohol results, 30 days without alcohol, rusty cage alcohol, rusty cage sober, tokaku drunk, tokaku alcohol, tokaku quit

Id: 1rUMRWaPdNM

Length: 54min 3sec (3243 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 20 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/silentscope90210]

Whoa 200K+ subscribers! That's pretty good!

[u/abuqaboom]

She's been drinking absolut. I'd quit if i drank that much absolut too.

[u/SmirkingImperialist]

Just a little reminder that if you have alcoholism and want to quit, just know that quitting cold turkey when you drink heavily can quite literally kill you.

https://www.livescience.com/15300-alcohol-withdrawal-death.html

Alcohol is a depressant and as your body get used to it, it ramps up neural activity to compensate. If you just quit cold turkey, your brain goes into hyperactivity.

[u/psyklo10]

Quite surprised that this hasn't been posted here. Good Singaporean youtubers do exist.

[u/MisoMesoMilo]

For those who enjoy the occasional drink and jokes that they are high functioning alcoholics, please know that alcohol is habit forming. You may not be depended on it now, but it's slowly forming that dependency without you knowing so be very careful if you think you have it under control.

For those not so serious alcoholics, try quitting it for say 2 weeks and see how it goes. If you can't function without it then do something about it before it takes over you.

[u/hopeinson]

I guess previously her exploits include getting drunk while gaming; it reminds me of a certain Russian-inspired womble from Great Britain who had a drinking session on CS:Go with his clan mates.

[u/chuuisthecutest]

Haven't watched her in such a long time... She stopped making osu vids?

[u/fffd11111]

watched the whole thing, reminded me of myself a little ahaha. good watch, would recommend y'all to watch if you have an hour to spare

[u/AsuraPhantoma]

Just a key note, she is Tokaku, a absolutely fantastic and entertaining osu/rhythm-based youtube channel that tried many types of videos

Incredibly strong willed to do this