3 Phases of Borderline’s Rollercoaster

I'm in one of the most beautiful hotels in the world the Dollar Grand in Zurich Switzerland and this is proved positive that pathological narcissism pays yes you got it right my name is Sam baknin and I'm the author of malignant self-love narcissism Revisited the first book ever to describe narcissistic abuse consequently I'm also a professor of psychology today we are going to discuss the regulatory cycle of the borderline the borderline goes goes through phases together with their intimate partner in regulating her emotions and moods in the intimate partner is not impervious to these Cycles it is not immune to the vicissitudes the ups and downs and the cycling of the borderline he becomes an extension of this inner turmoil but even in this chaos even in this messy landscape we can still discern three phases right now I'm not in my in my office so I will have to somehow improvise between the text on my smartphone the camera on this laptop and the gorgeous view of the lake and the hillsides outside yes only like in hillsides not what you're thinking get your minds out of the gutter and let us delve right in assuming of course that I can find the text here's the text hey I'm going to read to you a paragraph and then I'm going to expound on it it is taken from my Instagram narcissism with vacnin one word narcissism with vacnin that's my new Instagram account I have an older Instagram account which is inactive when the borderline's intimate partner is enmeshed and immersed in her shared fantasy is the external regulator of her dysregulated emotions led by moods he is likely to internalize her inner turmoil thereby ending up amplifying it end of paragraph one and as usual the prose is condensed and bears deconstruction so first of all the concept of intimate partner the borderline latches onto people she believes could provide her with a sense of inner peace stability and safety she seeks she craves certainty she craves determinacy she interprets intimacy as all the above borderline actually dreads intimacy she's approach avoidant intimacy exactly like the narcissist is her cryptolite and yet she mislabels this need to be regulated from the outside is intimacy and she seeks a rock or a special friend who can provide her with this oil on the water provider with this flat line in lieu in lieu of the Civil War that is taking place a place inside her but the only way she knows how to accomplish this is to enmesh to merge and fuse with her intimate partner she has a false self exactly like the narcissist now I'm using she because of historical reasons but actually 50 of people diagnosed with borderline personality disorder are male they're men I only propose that they are covert borderlines a kind of a hybrid between borderline and narcissism so I'm going to continue to use she but in your mind feel free to translate it to any pronoun you find apt so she tries to when she finds someone she believes can regulate her from the outside she tries to merge with him she tries to become one with him she tries to get enmeshed she tries actually to disappear into her intimate partner she anyhow feels that she is one big void she experiences constant emptiness she is like a black hole and she wants to reappear re-emerge and resurrect herself through the agency of her intimate partner and so exactly like the narcissist she has a full self but the false self has a kind of grandiosity that is unique to borderlines grandiosity of the borderline is I'm drop dead gorgeous I'm perfect I'm irresistible I am the absolute in mate mating and I'm the perfect spouse or intimate partner this is the Border lives grandiosity consequently she again liked the narcissist creates a shared fantasy and in this shirt fantasy she and her intimate partner become a single organism there's also a hint of paranoia of a secretary delusions the secretary ideation because the borderline tends to create a cult-like environment with their intimate partner it's sweet against the world it's the two of us against my family etc etc it's always in opposition to someone or to something the borderline is a bit paranoid but having accomplished the merger and the fusion with the intimate partner having established the perimeters the perimeter and the parameters of the shared fantasy the intimate partner is able to provide the borderline with what we call I call external regulation it stabilizes her labile moods he regulates her dysregulated emotions for the first time in a long time she feels safe she feels at peace calm she feels that the future is bright she feels functional and self-efficacious in short she feels good however that feeling comes at the expense of the intimate partner the borderline exports exports her Civil War she ex-hands over her inner tumult her chaos her disorganization she hands them over to the intimate partner he absorbs these things from her he becomes where she becomes regulated he becomes dysregulated where she becomes more less labor and he becomes more labeled in short there's a reversal of roles the intimate partner becomes increasingly more and more borderline while the borderline comes down uses the intimate partner for self-soothing and comforting ultimately however the intimate partners liability intimate partners dysregulation his tendency to absorb the worst parts of the borderline's personality a disorganized or law organization personality a dysfunctional personality his tendency to absorb all these actually lead to an exacerbation in the borderline's condition after an initial phase of regulating the borderline the intimate partner begins to disregulate the borderline it begins to amplify her ability and problems so the first phase of the cycle is the borderline spots an intimate partner she presents to him her false self I am hypersexual I am lovable I am a perfect intimate partner I am irresistible I'm drop dead gorgeous etc etc that's her full self she captivates or captures the intimate partner together they form a shared fantasy which is a shirt fantasy of enmeshment and immersion and merger and fusion she then transfers to the intimate partner her internal tumult and turmoil and vicissitudes and liability in this regulation in chaos and Mayhem and disorganization she transfers all these she hands over she outsources these to the intimate partner she infects him with her internal Dynamics he becomes a borderline in effect for a while and together they again descend into a complete completely chaotic and messy relationship this is the end of phase one of the roller coaster of the borderline's regulation but this is only phase one of three which leads me to the next paragraph in my Instagram post my Instagram to remind you narcissism with vacnim flock over there subscribe follow you know what to do the next paragraph is once the intimate partner gets disenchanted with the borderline she is likely to mirror image is newly gained and perturbed equilibrium by reacting with dysregulation to his perceived indifference and rejection let us explain or deconstruct this paragraph following the initial phase where the intimate partner is dysregulated by the borderline the intimate partner recovers suddenly his eyes are opened he becomes disillusioned disenchanted with the borderline he realizes that the borderline partner is bad for him she's the wrong partner she's not an emotional partner she is a disregulating partner she creates in him dysfunction at that point the intimate partner withdraws he re-establishes his inner equilibrium by avoiding the borderline the borderline perceives this perceives this indifference newly gained avoidance she perceives these as rejection an abandonment and humiliation and she reacts with enhanced dysregulation the more her partner becomes regulated the more she becomes dysregulated the more her partner finds balance stability and equilibrium homeostasis the less she does the more her partner withdraws puts distance and boundaries establishes firm rules of conduct and misconduct the more her partner becomes assertive the more her partner insists on appropriate behavior on her part the more she dysregulates the more she decompensates the more she acts out she perceives the partners Newfound Mental Health it's a challenge she perceives it this abandonment they used to be enmeshed they used to be merged they used to be fused they used to be one no suddenly he is taking a step back he puts distance between himself and her this daylight between them and she is discombobulated she's terrified she reacts with extreme abandonment anxiety and very often she acts out and I encourage you to watch my video on acting out this is phase two of the regulatory roller coaster of the borderline phase three the next paragraph finally the diet the couple settles into a transactional regulatory Valley when the borderline re-idealizes her partner within a new Halcyon fantasy or withdraws into a nostalgic State coupled with desperate attempts to Hoover erstwhile partner apocalypse or descends into a promiscuous world now this is the third phase of the regulatory cycle to remind you of the previous two phase one shared fantasy merger and fusion the intimate partner becomes the receptacle the absorbing the absorbent pad of all the borderline's problems she hands over to him her internal chaos in turmoil she dysregulates him she pushes him to have leban moods she disintegrates him phase two the partner wakes up he becomes disenchanted in disillusioned he puts some distance between himself and the borderline he establishes firm boundaries he becomes assertive the borderline perceives this his abandonment rejection and humiliation she reacts by becoming even more dysregulated even more liberal the first stage she perceives the intimate partner is an external regulator as someone who would introduce into her life and into her mind stability safety certainty and determinacy the second stage she perceives him as a persecretary object as an enemy someone who constantly in a way puts her down humiliates her rejects her abandons her hates her even and she reacts by falling apart by disintegrating by being all over the place by drowning in her own overwhelming emotions and by having rapid cycles of ups and downs their behavior becomes approach avoidant I hate you don't leave me and she begins to employ defense mechanisms such as splitting your own bed I'm all good she regresses into an infantile phase this is the second stage of the regulatory cycle and in the third stage in the third stage is what I call the transactional regulatory Valley the couple borderline and her intimate partner settle into a kind of transactional landscape a give and take but this is not enough for the borderline of course it's not a cup of tea and so she begins to look for alternatives the first thing she tries to do she re-idealizes her intimate partner and tries to force on him a reversion to the first phase tries to push him to a new shared fantasy where they would again merge and become one where he would stabilize her endow her with a sense of safety by assuming her dysregulation she seeks to Outsource her lack of inner peace to her intimate partner by idealizing it by rendering him the rock of her life the fount of reliability instability this is an attempt to re-establish a shared fantasy should this attempt fail the borderline has two other be default behaviors to other Solutions the second solution is she develops extreme Nostalgia for past partners she tries to Hoover erstwhile Partners exes she gets in touch with them she dates them she has sex with them she tries to run away with them she tries to impose on them a shared fantasy you try to initially she tries to re-idealize her current intimate partner but should this fail she tries to do the same to her previous intimate partners and should this fail many borderlines descend into a state of unbridled self-destructive self-trashing promiscuity or a schizoid Behavior where they isolate themselves see no one talk to no one become essentially the cat ladies of your these are the three phases of the regulatory cycle they're inevitable ineluctable they happen all the time if you date a borderline this is what what you should expect this is what awaits you if you date a borderline initially she will idealize you then you will have a shirt fantasy we are one we're a single organism twin flames soul mates and other nonsensical phrases second phrase you will begin to realize the detrimental and deleterious effects that your borderline partner is having on you so you'll try to put some distance from her you will try to become more assertive Place firm boundaries insist on some minimal um rules of conduct appropriate behaviors she would perceive it as rejection humiliation and abandonment and she will become even more borderline than before more dysregulated more labeled more aggressive more crazy making and so on in the third phrase you will reach some consensus modicum of coexistence and collaboration but at a price the price is that your ability to provide external regulation will be compromised owing to the absence of a shared fantasy so the borderline will try to recreate a shared fantasy either with you by realizing you or with an X a previous partner by a re-idealizing that previous part or if all else fails she will withdraw from you as well she will break up or something and or she will become sexually self-trushing promiscuous and go through a series of disastrous one-night sense and micro pseudo relationships so I wanted to inject some optimism to your lives you know all the news are horrible and so on and I hope this short video has done the trick have fun with your borderlines kiddos

Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin

Views: 76,092

Keywords: borderline, maternal, abandonment, high-functioning, empathy, vulnerable, grandiose, self-confidence, self-esteem, insecurities, compulsive, denial, insight, reframing, narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, NPD, psychopaths, psychopathology, therapy, relationships, abuse, spousal abuse, object relations, psychodynamics, sexual abuse, schizoid, pathology, inverted, shared fantasy, mortification, psychopath, divorce, intimacy, idealization, devaluation, cycle, engulfment, anxiety, separation, insecurity, lovebombing

Id: IVMK1isBif0

Length: 20min 26sec (1226 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 28 2022