3 GREATEST GUESTS ON CONAN

like what they would have to do to I was talking to my buddy go today like what they would have to do to get me to stop watching you know like love football you the Commissioner could literally punt a baby across this office with his wing tips on Sunday I don't condone the man's but it's football he literally blame guys that she was a serial killer yeah you know what I mean like when you saw the Jeffrey Dahmer movie it wasn't like ah somebody shoved the tuna fish sandwich up my ass and I confused people with food so I like didn't make like a big excuse for yeah she was a psycho killing people and she should have died but I'm like watching it feeling guilt didn't she for the first five years have like midgets who wanted to bang their mailman's boyfriend and she didn't want to do it but she stood on their heads for those little people [Applause] stupidest thing I've ever seen I don't like how they interview the coaches to when they go to the half and a half time yeah is there running off they shouldn't have to talk to somebody in like a skate park er you're not even in football yeah you can play to the high school level no no probably you took journalism yeah get out of here it's a bunch of nerds interrupting people who know what they're doing get your seat and you'd sit there know about ready to close the door and you'd have that empty seat next to you last like a poor man's first class you're like oh shit I'll bring the armrest up I can actually be great then all of a sudden some fat bastard you're like Quint at the end of Jaws like [Applause] weird about this environmental stuff you really are worried about it uh I am and I'm not I just also feel like you know it probably a good thing if most of us died would be we had all these waffles eggs bacon this whole layout my brother was looking at half-eaten cube steaks so he looked at my mom and goes mom kind of a waffle she goes no that is your breakfast and he goes oh mom I hate you and my dad without looking up took a full glass of milk and what kill me you know how I would do it what I would I would randomly sink cruise ships would you randomly sink cruise ship you get like 2500 to 3,000 people a whack right and I don't think I think it's a good mix of people to get rid of holding up a sign of somebody that they either know that's dying of cancer or died of it in the middle of the game trying to watch a game here now there's a time and a place but I know somebody I know somebody that has died of cancer I would never go to the movies with you and in the middle of it hit pause of yet oh by the way Conan I could have lifted him wouldn't Bruce became Caitlyn that was like a national news story did you shave your beard off you like oh my god that's your chin wow dude came back a woman is supposed to be anyway Caitlyn I miss that guy I miss him already should have told this he should have given us a chance to say goodbye on the Olympics I watched him on chips I watched him on that horrible show my wife watch where he just walks around in the background there are women that wait there wait waited twenty two days at Best Buy they waited twenty two days what did they get what do you think that guy I don't know I think they got trampled yeah yeah yeah you trampled grabbing your wig you know it's so sad to do what get an above-ground pool for $30 off there's nothing there is nothing in Walmart worth getting trampled over top out of the line and you wait to that first wave or two falls down and then you go over the top like Walter Payton even then even then you gotta know where to go in the store like where is the thing that is on sale right where are those mint Milano cookies that you're going to make a beeline for you four on a cement is asymmetrical it's you're getting it that's right right on the nose that's it asymmetrical I used to I used to try this a terrifying interview so you're saying you know I'm offended by a little bit as people are surprised that's what I'm offended by I wasn't surprised yes you worried oh oh you're very cool head area you look you look handsome and like you would have a six-pack or an 18 pack or what you can tell by looking at my head area that I would have a six-pack yeah we just found out he's an alien you are handsome in your head area no you are talking like someone from another planet in my phraseology what tracted that's okay I think we're that's okay you do yeah oh I do too Oh joke on my halls cough drop there is the weirdest interview [Applause] yeah that's gonna go viral that's gonna go live yes I like you a lot you've been coming on as a guest for the years we've established as an attraction and so I'm sorry you almost died seconds ago have you decided to munch some candy out here drink that was that was inappropriate I'm sorry I apologize yeah wait but it was a hall's it was a halls and I thought that being a little um mentholated would give me some vocal warmth and a nice a nice you know you want everything everything you're getting money from the whole I did almost Rick Hall look at that establish just look at these two together put them together look at that [Applause] that's a hell of a nice day we sleep now you go with the black sock you go with the dressy black sock who are you yes you know that I like to examine you mm-hmm what happened here what happened here are you talking about your thumbnail okay I guess it's your show and you're asking the questions I know I've had a cracked thumbnail for many many years uh what look look what I have we were in common I love that you threw your glasses let me try those out these are very Jeff Goldblum II glasses good look at that I was looking at the bottom of your shoe why because you notice strange things you're looking at thumbnails the bottom of a shoe I'm like Sherlock Holmes in many ways a lovely shoe shoe repair bra you're very good throwing your glasses at what am I gonna do with I'm not using this pen right are you you know Emily Liberty shoes in the Olympic Park while you were saying [Applause] Emily got into a little accident that I was very obsessed your full name in Burt saman mr. owl ha that's scary how about pop out dumb what's scary what would scared you that well that big that too that huge globe look at that that's the moon yeah but I've never seen it that close we've seen the moon that strange orb in the sky put it in my pocket that catch a falling star and put it in my pocket never let me go what are you looking for I want to call the police I don't think any of this is arable I don't really do an impression I just notice it I mean there's a lot of I need your glasses there you're Russian very good and so that's the part I like you notice that do you notice these two hinges there sure I don't know really notice things that but yes okay two hinges yes you notice everything - right so kiss me this he's a very sensual man now look he's stroking the furniture that's what I'm curious about he's sweet I love it when you there I know let me see you are writing in here I don't have much I do can you see what that says those glasses won't help you oh my god you're blind this is insane it is crazy the audience looks like a cloud of beef bouillon right now you're saying it's inconsistent no no you misunderstand before I need cement it's asymmetrical it's getting it that's right right on the nose that's it asymmetrical I used to I used to try this a terrifying interview my girlfriend actually Emily Livingston she's if she got how you tell a secret you know you don't do this into a TV camera I'll tell you something but don't tell anybody bless your heart yeah she's you she has many voice unless your heart just means fu yeah Emily learned first and she stood in the store in front of me and breathed her sweet breath on my face and tied my tie Sheila and then Bharat ik and he's very erotic he's very erotic yes I have no secret I have no secret sleep I like sleep I think you just nodded off almost for a second there I thought you were going to sleep yeah cuz look may I could you let me try to change your mind throw your glasses at me that he just contemptuously tossed his glasses at there was no contempt you're projecting that entirely Oh ask me how I enjoyed the party last night jack enjoy the party lo it was pretty good well I think you're wrong about that you need all this help sorry Oh forgot again I think he's away from you I'll have these you gave you gave the child his toy and well I you know you look good good to me now you know why your clear glasses wise yeah oh look at that these are the least professional interviews I ever had apologize [Applause] I apologize to everyone this probably won't air obviously a lot of entertaining celebrities but Norma cloud used to come on our show in the early days and those were I thought great television because we never knew it was happening and it was always teetering on the edge of it was all about to blow up it's all about to fail and it would always end brilliantly and then he you know that he stopped coming around and it was just a period that passed and I was always sad about that because I thought we're a very celebrity conscious age and people always think that the best guests are the biggest celebrities sometimes you know the best guests are these people that you have a weird connection with and it's compelling telling people see and they talked to me about it later on like I'll be out in the world walking around and people will say I saw that when it you know when you were with Harlan or where you were with Norma with one that really got that got wild and crazy in a way that they don't see on television that have you over the years who are some of the people who have been your go-to people that I just remember Dave in his early years had Teri Garr and he had Sandra Bernhard yes and they were kind of magic together who are your I had so many people at Norman Donald was this person who would come at you all no nor McDonald but nor McDonald when we'd have him on in the early days to this day I've never interviewed anybody like nor McDonald who was the best guest that you've ever ever interviewed and who was the worst I love Will Ferrell I also love nor McDonald because he comes on and his stories are all invented none of them are real they're all old farmers daughters jokes and he pretends they just he'll come on I'll say what's up normally by the day is walking down the walking down the road and a pirate thumbs up comes along he's got the three pigs with them wearing a hat one's got a pipe and then it's just a complete waste of everybody's time that's absolutely delightful in hilarious and so I love yeah your favorite guests are always like the bill bird nor McDonald yes might go off the rails really fast yeah I mean Norma Connell one of the great talk-show guests of all time he invented something that no nor McDonald invented this amazing thing that I've never seen anybody do before or since it's kind of like he split the atom it was that revolutionary norm would come on and he would instead of telling you a real story like if I had you know there's a show and you're like hey Bill you know too well you know and remembered I was living in Chestnut Hill once and you would tell a real story about what happened to you in your life norm tells old jokes as stories that happened to him yeah so I'd be like norm what are you up to and I mean really old jokes from like the 1920s and he'd be like well Conan I don't know if you're aware that I purchased of purchased a farm Conan might be like really your purchaser yeah yeah purchased a farm of course I have of course I have three daughters and I'm like you've three done yeah I have three daughters on the farm one very attractive one not as attractive and of course the third not you know huh well she's ugly Kong she's ugly uh-huh well one day this traveling salesman comes to the farm and he says now now no I'm not tell ya I tell you and then it's like he's telling an old traveling salesman joke yeah and it's and but you know about halfway through well I I mean I usually know I I know kind of what he's doing I'm a laughing that he has the balls yeah do this I'm laughing at the audacity so I don't even care if this joke lands or not I'm laughing that he's committing to the fact that you know no he doesn't have a farm he doesn't have three daughters there's no traveling salesmen but he doesn't care in a way that is exhilarating and scary at the same time do you know what I mean yeah unless he probably has some people in the audience who are taking completely seriously right yes yeah he's got some people we call them yes we call them usually from San Bernardino well Norma had Norma had the greatest talk show moment in the history of talk shows with Courtney thorne-smith that was epic I was so great and it's funny because it's lived on who knew that we were gonna have YouTube eventually you know I just saw that last man god bless youtube I had no idea when those things were happening I thought we're talking 1993-94 when those things were happening I thought you know what did I know I just thought if you were up and you saw it that means you selves it you saw an amazing thing happen and if you and then maybe if I get to stay on the air long enough we'll have a one-year anniversary show and maybe you'll see it then but if you're not there for that it's gone and now I meet people I mean that around the world that will say oh I just saw that thing with you and norm and Courtney thorne-smith and I'll think that was a moment of my life when I was 30 yeah and I'm like 85 that was that possible my next guest has played Alison Parker at one of the many dysfunctional but gorgeous residents of Melrose Place please welcome Courtney thorne-smith [Music] [Applause] [Music] Norman run run you're sick and you're all over her like a bear rug just we don't know you know because before during the commercial I was saying I had a huge crush on ya then you say you did - yeah when you were on day by day I had I developed this big crush on you and yet this whole talk shows a scheme get you the tomorrow show Tom Schneider not the tomorrow show but the later later show he says to me in the break that show that's all he says to me I really like right sorry I'm really I really think she's great I really am a crusher and I said where do you know you saw him know his place he said no I was watching Tom Schneider and she was on it she's a great guest and I said wait a minute that's the show that's opposite our show aren't you watching our show pal because I wasn't on it that night I would say to the guy once well we've dated and we broke up and to get back together he gave me like this little g-string outfit you know like this little and I was like wait a minute that's for you that's not for me so stuff like that is not good another guy gave me a keychain a plastic key that guy is a moron get the super model back hey look at our 99 at the airport I heart New Jersey he really gave you a plastic I was gonna bring it out but I couldn't get it off of my keys so I left him in backstage but he gave me a keychain well I can't bring out the g-string [Applause] I love my dirty uncle's here for this tonight I tell you what you got to do you got to bring out that g-string and I'm like don't don't do that that's not that's not cool yeah what is the Crippler involved describe this move to us okay so spinning flipping that's crippling Wow okay have you been really badly hurt doing this one or no well I it took me a long time to figure out how to do this trick right um multiple black eyes landing on my butt a lot it took a little while okay and crippled no I didn't I didn't no no I should have I should have warned you about him usually what you say where you going America is the greatest country in the world or something cuz like imagine like you just stand on our County you live there because let's say you hear a guy he goes hey man Kenya that's the greatest country in the world you better believe that [Applause] we're in a party are we allowed to even mention whose party was because it's Oh Jay Leno's No [Applause] it's actually not down he would not have a party don't test me that's uh that's fine with me about that al I don't give a hoot I think he does not need tricks because I've never seen this breathtaking a girl in my life and her smile is so genuine [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] this is what happened you know what happened he said so I'm gonna have seconds and I'm looking at them cuz I know there's more I like guys who appeal to like the lidium why are you looking at yourself while she's here I look like nice for oculus in Conor I don't know if you agree with now here we go folks I've always felt that anything that does not kill you makes you very weak and almost killed yeah a little bit like where Johnny you've met Marlo even I don't get that into in like 12 years but it was fun seeing Todd man The Hangover was awesome I hope the second ones yeah my son was like I don't know how they can do it again you realize you're not gonna get to any of your it's pretty much over now apologize this is what happens when norm come but honest to god the hangover finds me as I've ever seen in my life yeah well the hangover 2 is going to be even better I hope yeah that's a windmill mm-hmm does not in fact pump water mm-hmm but it's pretty I think everybody can enjoy again sturdy steel structure that's never tilt at it what's tilt at the window yeah I thought that's what you did to them wait do you know Robert Duvall no I'm you're killing my flow it's the Zeppelin all right [Laughter] here's the biggest ass I ever met on the actual street called Melrose Place there's an actual street there's a Melrose is there really emotional truth so they open a restaurant called Melrose Place on it no no and then it's right beside my house every time I go out there's all these retards like chorist and these tourists retards like they're always flat they're taking pictures standing in front of the restaurant huh yeah alright you gotta come back when this masher isn't here come back with all you guys yeah yeah I like this lineup we got to get our we gotta take this on the road I was thinking the same thing you guys want to go I'll go on the road together and take this act around town I don't think I could survive it I mean right now if you were to take my post you'd have to subtract eight maybe they want to come up with like where to grab it and then call it something and I'll bring it out here we go here we go no she asked well like that Crippler yeah how about the long-suffering death watch your openness run-up right here [Music] 900 [Applause] it actually looks easy no no it's not difficulties snow yeah like I went to Vegas a couple weeks ago on a funny thing happened in handy have a guess right I go there you know to gamble I need a couple of midgets you know couple of midgets yeah little people I call him well I don't think that I don't think of people as little people okay your words better yeah go ahead anyway you meet a couple of midgets a lot of people in show business talk about the little people right but I think everybody's the same the midgets the regular people okay that's good that's good some of us you know short and have weird big heads you're writing a book yes how to be a model yes the Complete Idiot's Guide to getting into modeling so like rule number one be incredibly beautiful right I mean what other things that you can do don't be a midget [Applause] you saw an owl pellet you took it apart and you extract the bones and then you make art out of it yeah so you're like a serial killer that's probably on an FBI profile this somewhere I found some roadkill on the side of the road one day and was looking up how to dissolve the meat in the way that would be like lease odious to my landlord and neighbors one of the early indicators of Jeffrey Dahmer's psyche off of a so it is a serial killer yeah did you ever toss a prostitute off a bridge [Laughter] [Applause] I don't think you should host Late Late Show I think you should take my slot because I am vacating it there's an opening here at the Conan show I was just saying I heard that was a sign of being a serial killer okay Jewellery the worst guy I've ever met I mean that in a nice way my pickle is it yes that in some sports like beach volleyball or or snowboarding the women are breathtakingly beautiful and you would think there would be big like you think they'd be big monsters of ladies why would you think that that bollocks off [Applause] I'm Chinese but what's the movie going to be called yeah what's that if it's got carrot top in it you know had a good name for it be what's that norm box-office poison thorne-smith the girl sitting to your left is in the movie I'm gonna go see this girl she's a beautiful lady and a talented nice joke yes as evidenced by her appearance on our rival show alright well there's this two-hour season finale of Melrose Place there's this movie coming out yeah title undetermined at this point yeah I'm one of the board Oh all right do something with that usually I got the board it's about Bo re do [Applause] [Applause] we're gonna take a break now we're gonna have collective stumble in a second Courtney thorne-smith we hope she's still our friend [Applause] [Music]

Channel: I'm not Norm

Views: 1,135,403

Rating: 4.7992206 out of 5

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Id: owihNaXaZVw

Length: 31min 59sec (1919 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 07 2019