(playful fast-paced music) - If I buy a ticket through Delta system, my name in their system is Nathan. And on my license, my name is Nathaniel. I do not remember making this decision. (audience laughs) It's a big deal. They
can't just change it. I've tried, I've asked Delta
if they could change it. And they're like, "we can't change it." And you're like, and I don't know. I don't know where we
go from here, you know? If you can't do it, who can do it? I mean, do you call - is that
why people call senators? Do they do it? 'Cause I don't know. (audience laughing) What you have to do, you have to mail your birth certificate. And some moms give their children
their birth certificates. (audience laughs) I've never received mine. (audience laughs) I thought I was the proof of my birth. (audience laughs) And you got to mail it in, I've never been a big mail it in guy. I've held maybe four
letters my entire life. I just never done it. Stamps make me nervous
because I don't know how many you're supposed to put on. Like, I like - Or they're gonna be like
"you should put one more on." Uh and they changed the price of stamps and that's not in the news. You know, you don't find
that out on Twitter. You have to find out from old people. They're the only people that
know, they keep up with it. They'll be like "Stamps
went up" and you're like, "Okay, um alright, is it a hundred dollars?" Like they're furious. "Is it a hundred dollars a stamp?" "It's three more pennies." So I will never go through that process to get my name changed. I just deal with it. And it gets brought up. Once I was checking a bag
and the guy by the counter, he sees my tickets as Nathan,
the license says Nathaniel. And he was like, "This is not good." (audience laughing) He goes, "These names don't match" And I was like, "But they match, right? Like you can see the leap that we took to get from one to the other?" (audience laughing) He was like, "But they're not the same" I was like, "But they're the same." And I'm realizing he can not find out people call me Nate at that point because he can't handle that. He's going to call the
police over to be like, "there's a guy with three
names trying to fly right here. If you guys wanna just
shoot him from over there or something" (audience laughs) So I was like, "What
do you want me to do?" And he goes, "You should go home." That's like honest, he said, "I can't believe you've made it this far." I was like, "Let me just try
it, you know, should I try it?" I said, "Look, I'll give you
that those names don't match. What I think is going to help a ton is the picture on the ID. (audience laughing) Something that I've always
loved that they did. And I think (laughter) with 70% of that name matching
and a 100% percent face, (audience laughs) it's 170%. (audience laughing) I think I'll get through." And this is what he told me.
This is honestly what he said. He goes, uh, he goes "Look, man, I get it. All right." He's trying to relate to me. And he was like, "My name's Joseph, that's
what's on my license. So I can't buy a ticket
under my nickname Bark, They're not gonna let me through." (audience laughs) - Immigration is tough. You know, they talking about this extreme bedding and everything else that's happening. Look, it took me 20 years
to get my citizenship, took my mom almost 21 years,
outrageously long, 20 years. Like I didn't have a pair
for 10 of those 20 years. I traveled the world doing stand-up comedy without a passport. Really difficult to pull off by the way. (laughter) I had what they call a
refugee travel document. And on front of this document that says Department of Homeland
Security, all right. On the inside, in all caps, it says, this is not a U.S. Passport. Confuses everybody that I interact with, including the kiosk
machine, checking in right? Like you get a passport
and you scan your passport. You get your boarding pass and you out. "Ba, party! We're leavin'!" All right, well my shit doesn't scan so I have to show up and be like, "Oh, excuse me, excuse me. Can
you please help me check in?" She's like, "Sir, please
scan your passport." "I don't know why you're
yelling at me. I just got here. Yeah. I was here a week
ago and it didn't scan. So I was just- can you
please help me check in?" "Sir did you try it today?" I said "That's a really good observation. I didn't think about it
today. Maybe today it works." (audience laughing) I scan my travel document. Huge
exclamation point comes up. "Please seek help from representative." I go "Excuse me ma'am,
the check engine light just came on on this damn
thing. It's about to explode. Can you please help me
check in?" She shows up. She's like, "Sir, just
give me your passport." Oh God. So give it to her, She's like "Okay.." "Uh sir. This is not a passport." I was like, "Yeah I know, I've been trying to talk
to you since I got here. See, it's, it's a, it's a, it's a travel document
so I can travel with it. Because there's visas issued
from the countries that I'm visiting, so obviously
I could travel with it." She's like, "Sir, this is not a passport." (audience laughs) "I speak English perfectly ma'am, I don't know why he
talking to me this way. See, in 1948, the United
Nations was founded. And in 1951, they had a Geneva Convention and they created a Geneva passport (audience cheers) that allows refugees and asylees to travel while they're seeking asylum from their respective
countries. But you know what? I'm just gonna blow up
this whole fucking airport! That's what I'm going to do. (cheers) I mean, my God, you're just making it
really difficult for me to maintain my ethics in this situation. Like, I just want to fucking go nuts. Like, why are you making it so difficult for me to be an ethical person?" Like, it's just all
these fucking roadblocks. This is the beginning
of a 20 hour journey. Like, can you imagine this is
just checking in. All right. This is just checking in - next time, (mocks) "This isn't a passport." Next stop, (mocks)
"This isn't a passport." (slurs mockingly)"1949.. the.." (mimics gun shot) (audience laughing) - Last time I flew out to Los Angeles, I had a direct flight from Jersey but I had the worst seat
on the plane, right. I had a middle seat, last row
on a cross country flight. Right? So obviously, yeah, I wasn't happy. Um, the lady who had the
aisle seat next to me, she could tell I wasn't happy 'cause uh, she had eyeballs and
she could see my face. (audience laughs) And she was a white lady. And I only mention that because
I, when she saw my face, what she said to me was, "Ugh, I know, it looks like we're in
the back of the bus, huh?" And I was like, "Whaat white lady?" Yeah! This flight just got fun. (audience laughing) But to be fair, like, as soon as she said
it, her face went beet red. Right? She wasn't thinking, she had a brain fart, that
came out of her mouth. Right. She wasn't trying to offend me. I wasn't offended, ah but I am me. So I did have to let her sit
in it for a little bit. Right. (audience laughing) Gave her a little eyeball, uh hm. Obviously I made her give me
her pretzels as reparations. 'Cause that's, that's the rule, because you're fine if you do that. But she got through apologizing
and I actually felt bad. I was like, "Ma'am it's okay." Right. Because I can be an asshole but not in that way, where I
like overreact to buzzwords. Right. I can still discern
intent, which is a thing I feel like we're losing
as a society. Right? Like everybody who mentions your group or mentions your race, every
reference is not racism. Right? Can we all agree? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. (audience claps) Thank you. Right. Like for instance, if I said, I don't know a - "White folks, you can't bring your
dogs everywhere you go." Like that's not racist. That's just the start
of a necessary dialogue. (laughter) I lost a lot of y'all. You're not ready to talk about it yet. (chuckles softly) Okay. We'll come back to it later, but stop doing that shit. It's annoying. (whispers) It's horrible. (laughter) - I love LA. I love any form of transit that moves you from one floor to another. That that's technology to me. I appreciate that. Like escalators. I love a good escalator, man. You know, when you
appreciate an escalator, when you come upon a
broken one at the mall where you're like, "Hey,
we'll hit Footlocker. Then we'll get a slice of
pizza and we can just - " (long sigh) "Let's just do it tomorrow.
We'll do it tomorrow. I'm out of here." (audience laughs) By the way, when you get on an escalator, do me a favor, just grab the
hand rail and just stand there. Let life take over. Let it raise you from
one floor to another. Can't stand the people who
still feel the need to walk. (laughter) Same idiots, it's always,
it's usually the guy with the NutriBullet full of greens. That guy, "Excuse me, (audience laughing) on the left. Excuse me. Excuse me." I don't let them by. I get all big. I'm like, "No, not happening. No, no." "Excuse me!" "Nope. Not happening. Big man. Pilates time." (audience laughing) I love those people movers at the airport, but they're so random
that's the only problem. You could be walking with your
luggage for like two miles. And then out of nowhere, the
airport's like, "You know what? Give him a little strip of
like 18 feet right there." (audience laughs) "Just 18 feet?" "Yeah. Just 18 feet is plenty. Just give him a false sense of hope before they walk the additional 42 miles into the parking garage." (audience laughing) I use them though. I could literally walk by
a people mover and be like, "Oh, they got to people
mover I didn't see that." (audience laughing) You ever been on the people
mover and you realize there's somebody walking outside the people mover at the exact same speed as you? You can't even make eye contact with them. You just, slowly turn yourself away from them kinda. This is when I do a lot
of my deep thinking, like "What kind of a fat,
lazy sea lion are you? (audience laughs) You couldn't walk in additional 18 feet? It's 18 feet, man! Come
on, you are a manatee. You know that? You
sicken me. You sicken me. No more starting New Years,
no more starting Monday. You're starting now!
Turn your life around." I feel so guilty. You turn around and feel like
you owe the guy an excuse, "Yeah I'd be walking with you, man. But I just, ah, I just helped
a friend move this morning. (audience laughs) And then I ran a 5k, 6, a 6K, a bunch of Ks, I'm not sure how many." He's carrying like four bags of luggage. I'm holding like a Wendy's bag, you know? I'm not even holding it.
I'm resting it on the rails. I can't even lift my
fat lunch for 18 feet. (laughter) You ever been on the people mover and you realize you're passing a Cinnabon? (shrieking laugher) There should be a
handbrake or an exit ramp! (audience laughs) If they did their research
correctly they would realize the people on the people mover, (audience laughing) that is your core Cinnabon audience! (audience cheers) If they were really supporting, they'd have every people mover
go directly into a Cinnabon. Right, like a filtering in,
like a luggage carousel, fatties, just falling in like "The heck was that? Oh, Cinnabon. Yeah. I'll take two. Extra
icing on both please. Yeah." (audience laughing) Oh, Cinnabon should not have it. - It's so good to be on a show like this. You know what I'm saying?
I do shows, you know, like comedy shows, but you know, it's usually a different roundup of a - people. (audience laughs) Yeah I'm usually like the only a- Virgo. (laughter) Okay. Y'all didn't hear me. (audience laughs) Okay. A Virgo. Like it don't just mean
you born in September, or August. It's like, you ever watch
like an Avenger movie? Right? And like, you always
know who goes die first? (audience laughs) The Virgo. Yeah, okay yeah! We all on the same page. (audience laughs) And I've been saying that for a while. Cause it came up one time. I went to Canada one
time to do a show right. Not by myself, I mean
it was a group of us, but not like, not like
Canada like, you know, like (mocking noise). Like no, like way up. (laughter) Yeah, we was like a mile from Santa Claus. (audience laughs) What they call the Arctic
Circle, which was dope. Cause we, we flew up there, but not like from the airport, (laughter) yeah we flew to somebody's backyard. (audience laughs) Look, he picked us up and he said, "Yo .. you know." Picked us up from the real airport then took us to his house. And then he said, we're
going to fly that way. And I'm like "When are we
going back to the airport?" He goes, that's the plane
right there. My friend." (audience laughs) I said "I thought that was a Corvette." (silent audience) You know what that is, right? Do I have - y'all speak English right? (audience laughs) 'Cause no, it had a tarp over it. And we pulled the tarp off
and it was an airplane. And you know what you don't want to hear before you get on a machine that can fly? "You hand me the drill." (audience laughing) I'm like, "We gotta put this together?" "No just fold the wing down (mimics noise) and tighten it up." Right. And it was like I
said, it was a group of us, very diverse, everybody,
from different walks, but I was the only "Virgo." (audience laughs) And everybody's like, "This
is going to be great." There was like, 'Ah, no" (audience laughter) And I don't know if you've ever flown on a little plane like that.
It's not like a regular plane where you just get on and
sit on and find your seat. You have to step on a scale. And I'm like, "What's this for?" He goes, "Well, we have to weigh you to see where you going to sit on the plane and to determine how much fuel
we're going to put in it." And I was like, "Whew, because don't really
matter how much I weigh. Let's just fill it up." (audience laughing) I was lookin' around to see if that sounded crazy to
the rest of the horoscope. (audience laughing) And check it out. Because
my height, my weight, I had to sit right next to
him. Like a copilot, yeah. Yeah we flying over the frozen Tundra. Have you ever seen somebody do
something that you don't know how to do, but you give them advice. (audience laughs) Something in you say "This
motherfucker doing this wrong." 'Cause we flyin' like this - (mimics plane noise) (audience laughs and cheers) I was like, "Hey man, keep
your foot on the pedal." (laughter) See how cool I said that. I was nervous, don't get me wrong. But I had to stay, you know, calm. Cause you know, I don't
want to get excited on those little planes
they have a voice recorder in case the plane crash, you know? And they can identify the body, right. So they listen to the voice recorder. And I didn't want it to be, well yeah, just say we crash, I didn't want to say, I didn't want them to listen to it and to say something like, "Aw shit, we about to crash. And you know what motherfucka? I knew I shouldn't have
gotten on this fuckin' plane. And guess what bitch,
I'm not gon' die first. 'Cause I'm gonna stab
you, stab you, stab you." (audience laughing) Then they would have said something like, well we can't identify the bodies, but pretty sure one was Virgo. (audience claps) - It started with the packing. Everything broke down
with the fucking packing. Everything was going good. We was packing. She was packing. I was packing. Everything felt respectable. But then she started packing a third bag and that really confused me.
Cause she only has two arms. (audience laughs) So I was like, how you packing
three bags with two arms, baby girl? You don't got enough arms
for the bags you packin'. What a presumptuous, bold fucking move to pack bags you don't
got fucking arms for. (audience laughs) Who's supposed to be in
charge of these fucking bags? Who's going to be the boss,
bitch? I don't understand. And then we got to the
airport and it caused a fight because she forgets. I'm not a man. I'm not a fucking man. I'm not. So I don't have any chivalry.
I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I am a whole bitch. I
have no chivalry in me. Are you crazy? So it's not like I saw her struggling with the bags and I was like,
"I can't let my baby struggle. Gotta get these bags." (audience laughing) Fuck no, I was just like
"Stupid bitch bring less bags. Dumb mother fucker, that
was dumb as all hell bringing bags, you ain't
got enough arms for. Who the fuck does that? You see, I got bags for arms baby girl. That's how I God damn roll. The hell is wrong with you?" So she's struggling, looking stupid. And I'm just watching,
like "Mm mm mm" you know. Then this dude comes and
tries to save the day 'cause that's what dudes
like to do. You know? Especially when men see
like a masculine woman, that's their favorite shade.
They like to come like (mocking) "I got the real dick." (audience laughing) Goofy fucks. "I got it, where you want,
where you need my dick to go?" (audience laughing) "What if you had my
dick. Got it right here. What you want, my dick on here? " Shut up. (laughter) Fucking clown. "I got the real, I got the real dick." And he jacks up the bag and then he looks at me and he's like, "Now what?" Like nigga get mine too! You getting bags, get
all the bitches bags! The fuck do you think,
I'm a lady carry my shit. Be a fucking gentlemen. (laughs)
