2 Drink Minimum - Episode 174

[Music] thank you guys thanks for coming out this is the last time we're allowed out before the mass suicide that's what's yeah are we live you [ __ ] with me because he said this two weeks ago and yeah i spoke for 10 minutes and then he told me to go [ __ ] myself simon okay i just want to i just want to be sure he's not playing [ __ ] games with me [ __ ] was he where where like where's he going he's yeah yeah he's like okay he's like a cartoon burglar right now he's what is happening yen are we good well you know who's the real victim in all this for everyone listening that's outside of quebec they announced today that they're uh closing all the bars for a month bars restaurants and um uh poseidon was supposed to go to a swinger club which technically is a a restaurant yes [Laughter] he's gonna be eating i'm surprised no that'd be amazing at the press conference if there was a journalist going look you're talking about movie theaters and what about a swinger club well they didn't mention strip clubs but strip club is a bar right what if you don't sell booze oh yeah but that's kind of like uh i guess that it becomes sort of like a cafe and those are illegal too now right are cafes illegal they didn't make it that's the [ __ ] up thing well if you're serving food it's a restaurant yeah and then that's illegal but you're allowed to do takeout and deliveries i think anything that's food or liquid is uh you can't so i and it doesn't have to be liquid you drink liquid that comes out of you too so i guess strip clubs and so are you fall under that category so that means that there's a chance that we did not actually have to give drugs to poseidon and use him as a science experiment two weeks ago that was all unnecessary i was sure he was doing that yesterday i thought he was doing it so this is what i did is i uh washed my hands of the situation because now that i knew that poseidon was safe and that his chaperone knew him i figured they could figure it out themselves and i'll just pay for his membership at the the swingers club how much is a membership i think it's 160 bucks for for the year it's weird because they say eighty dollars for couples okay and eighty dollars for single man and eighty dollars for single women why is that so eighty bucks i guess eighty bucks yeah oh yeah i thought it was 80 each anyways no so i i left it up to him and then i didn't hear back from him so i assume that he didn't do anything this weekend because i feel like i would have known that story no i hadn't i hadn't planned for it so he didn't plan for it so now i don't know the only way is if i find him a weird underground sex cult like since bars and restaurants are closed in the greater montreal area and greater quebec city area so if we find a weird little swinger club oh yeah in some little quebecois yeah yeah or i'd i'd go to a weirder like smaller town like like ottawa yeah or saint john sure like something like did you say a small weird town ottawa yeah everybody else got it poseidon yes that'd be amazing though going to the seeing what the ottawa swinger do they even have a swingers club definitely those whenever people are people like in ottawa that we picture them as being super you know stiff and straight they're the [ __ ] up yeah they're the most [ __ ] up well hold on hold on are you trudeau's out there sucking dicks there's a chance that i can [ __ ] trudeau's wife i'm gonna be honest you have better chances you have better chances of [ __ ] trudeau yeah yeah you can definitely [ __ ] trudeau yeah if you go oh [ __ ] this is for my economy so oh dude i don't want to forget i saw something [ __ ] up this morning so i i go to the cafe uh early in the morning 9 30 and we're hanging around phil was there too we're just shooting the [ __ ] and then i hear across the street um a thud it sounded like you know when you have a bag of ice and it falls thud and then phil was looking he's like oh what the [ __ ] it's just freaking out so like what happened so i turn around i see a person on the floor convulsing and i was like ugh crackheads you know i thought it was a crackhead on the floor and he's and i was like i'm not going a crackhead he's like it's not a crackhead it's an old woman because he saw it was an old lady she just collapsed she just walked and then fainted hit her head on the side there was blood gushing everywhere god damn yeah so we run across the street and everybody's trying to help her like we're getting napkins we're trying to wake her up wash her face with water and like you know hold uh uh was she on the street or inside she was a cafe notice she was on the street she was across the street she was minding her business she had like a little walker she's minding her business and she was wearing a mask it was humid i i suspect she lost her breath you know and then she fainted because she's just apparently like a pylon because i wasn't looking at her when she fell phil saw her and that's why he ran across and just fit her head on the sidewalk and just opened up here so it was blood everywhere so it's a little old lady you feel bad so they're trying to help her she's awake she's trying to figure out what the [ __ ] happened and then it was weird like the universe because i'm like [ __ ] we need like a gauze or something for her head as soon as i say it doesn't seem like a rubber mask yeah no a guy was actually running towards us he was a truck driver he saw stopped his truck came out with a first aid kit he's an ex um fireman okay and he's like i got this you know he was yelling at the lady stop drop and roll so he's putting the gauze on you know he's he's there cool i'm talking to there's no greek lady trying to figure out what happened this and that and we're calling the cops we called the ambulance right we're there's a lady her head is bleeding it's like we're gonna come there as soon as we can five minutes go by ten minutes go by twenty we have to call back again it's over twenty minutes now god damn they haven't shown up so we've the firemen the ex firemen took her blood pressure he uh gauzed her we were there we're keeping her busy and this and that they haven't showed up then finally an ambulance shows up and as they come so does eight or nine cop cars 20 police officers i'm like who told these guys that it was a black man that was hurt like why did they like these guys were ready you know is there a black guy like these [ __ ] so i was like what are you doing like you're like there's no crimes happening in this [ __ ] neighborhood right now we're in park x there's no other crimes like i was getting a little upset like the two first guys amazing they were there to help but why the [ __ ] are the other 20 there you know so um what do they do well you just take her in the hospital hospital right away they [ __ ] do the exact same thing we did they take out the the gauze to put on their own gauze oh really yeah yeah they're taking the to the point where the ex fireman's like ah [ __ ] this he's like and he [ __ ] left like he couldn't take it he's like they just repeated what was already just done to her just to waste more time before taking her to the [ __ ] hospital like 40 minutes until this lady got to the hospital and she got to see [ __ ] the entire force there was a cop suvs cop cars black cars white cars yeah [ __ ] god damn [ __ ] imbeciles bro yeah all of them together just sitting on the side of the corner this is why people get mad at police yeah yeah that's crazy yeah so that was the lady okay though now yeah she looks okay well i joked about her being black and they shot her so that was uh no she was conscious she didn't feel like puking so no concussion and they were taken to the hospital so i'm pretty sure she's gonna be okay just the cut on the side yeah luckily it was lucky that people saw her and you know we ran across and she was there and then you know we uh calmed it down but i told her don't wear your mask outside i told her because the problem was she walked like six blocks i i put my mask on for two minutes just when the cops were there so i don't get into argument and i was having trouble breathing so imagine a little old lady you know for [ __ ] that many blocks and the humidity it [ __ ] with her so that's how i started my day that was good yeah yeah he was sleeping at that time yeah i was what time did you wake up at are you sleeping a lot these days or i'm sleeping a bit better that's not what you asked yeah no that's not yeah what time did you wake up i am sleeping a lot better thank you thank you i love it now i picture you like when when you used to work at the when you were renting uh we can say it now renting cars people would be like i'd like a midsize i like sofas do you guys have convertibles my shoes are comfortable yeah what no but i i don't know i sleep eight hours i guess which is normal yeah but what time do you start sleeping midnight i used to yeah around midnight 12 12 30. that's the that's no that sounds like such a [ __ ] lie that's a huge like you wake up at noon you only sleep eight hours that's not true yeah so either way 12 hours or okay here's the thing i started playing the sopranos at around 12 12 30. you started watching or playing watching sorry okay the sopranos and uh and then i dozed off so i could have fallen asleep at 1 1 30. well i just remembered he called me a few days ago and said bro you think i'm gay did he ask that yeah no no he he he didn't ask me if i think he's gay he asked me if i thought that he thinks he's gay it was the weirdest question i was like what are you talking about he's like is it is there a chance that i could be gay and i hung up why did you think you were gay okay so i got into like a little adventure on tuesday oh boy oh jesus christ all right [ __ ] i love it that just strap in [ __ ] so um so i'm messaging with this girl and there's that and she's like uh i'd like a massage but i think it's a bad idea i'm like why do you think it's a bad idea she's like ah like no hookup like just professional right so i'm like yeah professionally wait hold on she said to you i just need a professional massage basically from a non-professional masseuse basically okay yeah just making sure so uh so i get all excited right because uh every time i've massaged a woman it leads to sex somehow so i was excited yeah cause massages always like to sex yeah so yeah but not always with a woman yeah sometimes like i massage the woman then i [ __ ] her brother things are happening let me tell you so so i go over all excited and [ __ ] i'm [ __ ] gone you never met her i had met her okay yeah did you bring a massage table yeah have a like a portable massage table no okay if i would honestly as a gift buy you one yeah would you use it would you go to chick's houses without that it'd be amazing if you showed up the massage table you open it up i'm a goddamn professional i'll take off your clothes you don't need a towel you tell her to lie down you know on those tables where their face was like that and right away you dick slapper never even touch her back you're here you hear the sweetest this is a norwegian massage a little different well here's the weird thing that happened so i kept trying to make it sexual right you know after the girl said i want this to be professional yeah because i'm a piece of [ __ ] right so in the me too era in the this is in the mid to era this is the best time to be on a podcast live and they're gonna be like look when they say no i don't [ __ ] care so no no it's not no only meats know if she's yelling like it's like in order for me to [ __ ] a chick like she needs to be into me too i can't just you know [ __ ] rape yeah basically the word is rich just describe the rape you describe the rape you have sex with the girl she wants to uh she needs to want it too so um so like i kept massaging i kept trying to like make it sexual no no not even like my dick wouldn't even get hard but like she kept talking about like non-sexual things right she was trying to get her she didn't show that she was into me like what was she talking about like at some point i don't know how the conversation got there we were talking about [ __ ] like actual [ __ ] yeah something to do with [ __ ] i don't remember exactly what to turn you off yeah like if if someone's rubbing your back and you start talking about diarrhea it's because you want to discuss that person did you use the same strategy you used to uh our chaperone last week when you were singing i loved it when you called me big no i didn't i was i was because i was sober like can you imagine if that was a strategy i love it and she's like i love taking shits that's what i love so like the maximum that i was on the saturday on mdma i was five percent of that oh okay so yeah so it wasn't so bad okay and i was more tame all right and uh so i i couldn't get an erection and it kind of [ __ ] with me how did you know that you couldn't get an erection as she was talking about [ __ ] you were rubbing your dick to see if it would get hard no no i i didn't feel it go up obviously normally this [ __ ] stuff works i don't know what's going on here i must fight as a german when i hear [ __ ] and today nothing's working so uh so i kind of [ __ ] with me and then i leave i'm like what the because you weren't rock card yes someone that didn't want to have sex with you and you're like something's wrong so that's why you that's why you thought you were gay because [ __ ] didn't turn you on no no not because of that but it just i don't know it [ __ ] your head a bit yeah so uh so i i leave and there's gotta be a lie in there somewhere yeah no no so as i'm driving home i'm just driving i'm like [ __ ] am i a [ __ ] just i'm driving finally i get home right i'm like nah i gotta know i gotta put this to the test the guys are always calling so how did you put that to the test so i got home it's like [ __ ] four in the morning i [ __ ] sorry my shoulder i [ __ ] put on uh pornhub and you wrote man i just wrote gay porn oh [ __ ] okay so i'm gonna tell you folks when i saw my father on the screen i knew i made a mistake and a terrible mistake so i'm like so i'm like nah i gotta know i gotta know but like cause it didn't make sense to me like how do i get heart with all these other women you know what i mean for the record in case there's another [ __ ] person watching this you don't turn gay i know i'm just saying yeah but i always thought i always thought okay maybe it was chicks but i just have an actual high sex drive so that's why i got i'd get hard you know so what happened would you like to are you an ass man or a tit man or adam's apple man he's a vaguely gender ambiguous man i love it when women use their large hands okay so you put what was the movie was it a story i don't remember but it was like in some weird lane that's all it was in an alley yeah it was in an alley like amateur some weird gay ally porn it was gay alley i didn't know that was a genre but so what i do is i literally i pull down my pants oh [ __ ] you went all in yeah i'm like i need to i need to know i need the dough i need the flashlight did you spit on your [ __ ] or you used lube so i sat there i'm like i need to know so i sat there hold on your dick is out but you're not touching it and you're waiting for your dick to react to the gay alley porn yes you were giving your dick a light detector test oh [ __ ] uh oh [ __ ] so you're watching the gay porn is your dick out of the underwear or in the underwear out of the underwear so i'm completely like from the waist down i'm naked okay so i'm sitting there like where did the poo you pulled the weight of the poop basically yeah so i'm sitting with your arms crossed with my arms crossed like some little kid pouting like i don't want to be a homosexual yeah i do that's what i did [Laughter] so i'm sitting there with my arms crossed i'm doing this i'm going more you can't feel it you can't feel it you have to do it you're inspecting in case he's bullshitting you he's sending you a signal that he's flaccid but he's hard that's what you're worried about like your dicks in the closet that's what you thought i don't know what the [ __ ] i was thinking so uh what was happening in the porno though you can't leave us hanging uh well i changed scenes because i tried multiple stuff but what were they showing well there was uh the dude sucking the other dude's dick sounds believable yes and then there was the other one they were they were [ __ ] in missionary and uh missionary yeah that was disgusting guys could bang in missionary i guess i don't know i never knew that was possible but until you learned something new exactly you are a cultured man i don't love you that much so yeah i sat there for like about 10 15 minutes just doing this that's a long time yeah yeah couldn't you yeah you should know you're not gay way quicker than that i wanted to be sure 15 minutes of dudes banging each other yeah and you were like i don't know yet i need another scene how the [ __ ] even with porn like just regular man on woman porn you can tell if you're gay right because you'd be you'd be imagining oh i'd be the girl and you're looking at a [ __ ] going oh that looks so delicious like would you you could have just done that right oh yeah it's true yeah anyway so i took a break and then i put on regular porn and then it was instant i was like okay i'm good regular porn you know normal people like street porn you know porn how many guys on the one girl one okay but two girls two you wanted to make sure yeah okay i want to make make sure yeah and then what happened then you were like holy [ __ ] my dick's working yeah my dick's working i'm fine you know if you if you were a homosexual you found out that night what would change in your life i'd be gay i guess yeah i know that's what i'm saying i'd be me but but gay thank you for solving that mystery for us but would you change anything because you were panicking like what would you you think you would have to get different driver's licenses yeah i don't know i i never gave it i didn't think that far ahead nothing you'd literally just delete tinder and install grinder and your life's the same basically yeah that's it it's true it'll make it way easier for you for you to way easier for you to have sex yeah right yeah i guess you wanna yeah you wanna try i think i put it back in instead and you'll be like i gotta do test number two tonight i was look last time i was looking at my dick this time i'll look at my [ __ ] so it's just opening the call yeah it's clenching oh [ __ ] so so you uh a woman didn't want to have sex with you which led you to believe that you might be a homosexual yes uh so then you went on to watch gay porn for 15 minutes yes bit of extended period of time you don't need that much uh and then you figured out that you were straight after masturbating to regular porn yes that is just a regular tuesday in your life basically basically okay did you call the girl or text her just to tell her i'm not good i'm not gay no good news no but like it also made me realize that i had kind of like you know what's gonna happen now since you watched a bunch of videos all of your suggested videos in pornhub are gonna be gay porn i i i thought the same thing that's why i cleared cash cookies and history okay that is impressive we could clap for that he looked up yeah he's like i'm not going through this again that's exactly what every dude in the closet does probably look i'm not gay if it's not in my history [Laughter] oh [ __ ] i bet you the people that built canada that see his uh internet usage are like this guy went through a phase that day that was a that was an odd switch for this guy [ __ ] yeah yeah generally when you hear people going through like a gay phase it's like in college for a couple of years it's never 15 minutes at four in the morning during your pandemic god i think you'd be a you'd be a you you'd be the weirdest gay guy ever you'd be a fun gay guy i think yeah yeah and it'd be amazing telling people this is my gay friend poseidon i already told him that he doesn't like it [Laughter] so uh yeah but it also kind of made me realize how much of a [ __ ] creep i've been in my life oh [ __ ] it made you like self-aware yeah basically he took him watching gay porn to have an epiphany i don't know what to say something no no see as a psychologist psychiatrist you watch two grown men having sex missionary style and you're like i've wasted my life not like with a girl i realized like i was a bit of a creep and i kind of brought back like all the other times i've acted a bit like a creep i was like a bit embarrassed i was like ah [ __ ] what the [ __ ] you know and uh yesterday i found out that possibly i may have had a uh severe sex addiction okay yeah what what's a severe sex addiction like possibly i may have had a severe sex addiction up until i saw gay porn and now i can't get erections like it would no no erections are fine it's still uh it's still the same it's just i don't know i'm there's no need for it what was the sex addiction like having sex or porn uh both okay he would beat his penis relentlessly like are you jerking off like 19 times so before before was uh three times uh average per day okay where does he get the time apparently it's not normal it's not normal to as soon as your dick gets hard to just want a jacket who too told you this who did you add some website okay some website yeah like you went to like it's normal it's normal to watch porn but not to the level i would watch porn i guess like it was excessive when you watch every time you see porn you'd be like oh [ __ ] i've seen this one before oh it's happened often yeah really okay you're like god damn i know the ending to that one guaranteed he's gonna [ __ ] her okay so you're watching too much porn so yeah so usually when people figure out they have an addiction they're like either they accept it or uh well most of the time they're like what can i do so are you gonna join uh like uh sex it's saa i think saa sex addicts anonymous oh if you join i have to come with you that's gonna be are you serious i'm down for that you have to do the same thing you're gonna leave an hour and a half of materials saturday your sex addiction anonymous sunday swinger club you got it no and then monday sex addiction again if you find a place i'll come with you oh i'm down how much fun that would be it would be fun please probably just mess with people though no no you you're going to be searching like i'm addicted i drink i'm pretty sure three times a day my dick hurts you'll you'll you'll go there and you'll realize oh [ __ ] these people have a real problem yeah because you've never like some like some people like can't not jerk off at work like you've never jerked off at work have you never say never mike do you jerk off at work not officers and he works like he was working at a at a a car rental place at the airport that all of the computers you have to be standing up in front of windows no no no so you have tourists coming they're like what a beautiful gun why is that giant man masturbating completely not masturbating at work right now we get that like when i used to work at telus like i used to have the secret bathroom just for me okay yeah just to go just that was it yeah basically but that was the only time i've ever masturbated at work mike you just don't get it sales make me horny that was the only time but how often did that only time happen was that like three times a day or like every day you jerk off a telescope no like three times a week god damn that's that's three times i i had a i still do a very high uh sex drive you know everyone this is what makes me happy now about the pandemic they have purell everywhere so if if the guy at the [ __ ] phone store is a weirdo at least i know he used purell after jerking off the people watching this that remember buying phones off him must be losing the [ __ ] right now i'd wash my hands bro i'd wash my hands i'm not some kind of animal he told me it was glowing just freaking out is that why they fired you no did you lose your job because there no well here's the thing the reason why i would do that is because there were some days where i i couldn't take it anymore i'd get like [ __ ] 23 erections in a day and i got to walk around the store all [ __ ] hunched over you know like hunched over yeah like [ __ ] like you know [ __ ] hiding my dick he's like an erect quasimodo so yeah so like so because you walk in he's got an erection like this so because what the [ __ ] because i had to hide it i would [ __ ] i'm like i gotta get rid of this this is not normal i'm not a monster i have to go masturbate would you tell your boss no i gotta go jerk off or else it's bad for business [Laughter] i gotta focus but i also took a quiz for the for the um sex addiction okay like recently uh yesterday online did you google sex addiction quiz no i i googled uh is sex addiction uh real okay why did you google that if you thought you had it you wanted to make sure it wasn't fake news yeah that sounds so [ __ ] weird going i think i have epilepsy is epilepsy real it's real i think i have epilepsy and what did the quiz ask you so so there was like a score it was like out of 20 and like it had a graph and [ __ ] 20 is your you're a [ __ ] like full-blown full full like but that's that's next level [ __ ] that's like uh bestiality that's like charlie sheen that's almost uh none or worse okay i got a nice reality yeah if you can't say that it's because of a sex addiction if you're [ __ ] your cat you can't go like it's a disease i have a problem who hosted this quiz now it's so suspicious i don't remember what were the questions one of the questions is are cats sexy if the que if any of the questions were do you [ __ ] kids you were on the wrong website uh no well one of the questions was there a question about pedophilia yeah well one of the questions was have you ever engaged in that that's the question have you ever did you go on the dark web you pulled your dick out and you waited for 20 minutes to see if you were a pedophile i'm not a pedophile i watched seven kids get raped and murdered no erection the fbi breaks in he's like guys i'm just testing i'm just testing i'm one of the good guys touch touch it touch it [Music] my name's not joe hey so it actually asked you are you a pedophile no so i'd ask have you ever engaged in pedophilia or bestiality i ticked off that that's a direct question yeah uh the other one was there uh like yes no and only one out of the two no it was uh yes or no questions cause i'm pretty sure like pedophiles think that people that [ __ ] animals are discussing and people the [ __ ] animals think that pedophiles are weirdos like i'm not sure there oh yeah who puts you into that they go look i've only i've [ __ ] kids i think you're banged a bird once but that's not sex sex it's gonna be a soft snow you know i made that with a llama that doesn't count she was asking for it oh god [ __ ] what a weird that that's a type of test as soon as a question is have you ever had sex with a child i'd be like why am i taking this test and that's when you panic can i feel this test what's up what the [ __ ] happening here um so that was one of them the other one was have you ever broken the law to have sex to have sex like that's rape i guess basically yeah okay or maybe it means [ __ ] while going uh above the speed limit yeah yeah yeah yeah i've gotten a [ __ ] in in my car yeah but technically that's breaking the law but you're not breaking the law to engage in sexual activity yeah but yeah whatever you're speeding in order to get to someone's house before she starts talking about diarrhea oh [ __ ] goddamn [ __ ] i know how to get to him yeah he acted like his butt plug just came out it was like goddamn you weren't you weren't supposed to say that out loud the test is ongoing so wait okay so you obviously answered no no illegal sex yes no no i answered no i answered no no illegal sex no having sex with uh birds or children or children yeah and or uh what would you score uh 16 out of 20. it's pretty high god damn that's so high yeah cause you just said one of the questions was pedophilia the other one was criminal activity so everything else except for two questions were a hard yes yes so what what i'll give you an example so like one what were the other two two no have you ever broken into someone's house no hold on what were the other two i'm trying to remember are you masturbating as you answered oh the other one was the other one was i think uh have you ever gotten paid for sex that's not is that an addiction that's not an addiction is it you're like yes no it's one of the employees it was one of the questions so i answered no because i've okay never gotten paid to have sex with someone okay i'm not uh no problem yeah basically yeah uh but one of the ones didn't ask you you paid to have sex shouldn't that be the same thing yeah well yeah that one i answered yes to that was one of them the other one was uh uh have you ever hurt yourself during sexual intercourse yeah and then you continued having sex regardless of your injury and the answer was yes because i'm a [ __ ] animal well what what had you hurt my dick i mean you kept on [ __ ] with a hurt dick yeah he hurt his dick's feelings i almost he continued think we're gay bro and then he continues [Laughter] yeah he called his dick and [ __ ] and his dick was like we shouldn't use that word anymore this is 2020. oh so the hurt you continued what else okay so what else is your dick but uh the thing that you said no to yeah those were the three i forgot the fourth one okay so yeah was it crazy [ __ ] so i'm thinking about being molested or not not i think so yes yes there was something about being molested yes you've ever been molested yeah that's what it asked me answered no this quiz that's a weird quiz were you ever molested yes you're a sex addict you're a goddamn [ __ ] [Laughter] no no because i was reading because one of the one of the criteria's where it can stem from is uh trauma okay yeah you get it yeah so i don't have it so those are your four no's and your your yeses everything else basically like uh one of the questions was is it like an itch that you have to scratch you know kind of like substance abuse yeah uh but like in this case like instead of i don't know like [ __ ] injecting her you wake up in the morning because like alcoholics oftentimes will be like okay i can't drink until it's two or four and then they end up drinking like at 3 30 and they're like it's four o'clock somewhere do you do that like but masturbate do you go like i'm not gonna jerk off until noon she's 18 somewhere that was quick it's an alley-oop yeah yeah so do you wake up in the morning and go look i'm i'm gonna be good today i'm not gonna jerk off until 11. well i haven't i haven't jerked off in like a week yeah and i feel [ __ ] amazing i don't know what to say like i don't know i don't know this is weird for me you have mental clarity basically well not that much because i'm [ __ ] but a bit more [Laughter] he's self-aware yeah yeah it's crazy yeah this is like when they taught that gorilla sign language i wanna i wanna find out though cause he he looked at gay porn to know if he was gay or not i wonder what you looked at to realize you were [ __ ] did you look at like [ __ ] people [ __ ] to go oh yeah i'm one of them you watch like two two people with down syndrome oh [ __ ] have you ever watched that uh uh the there was a movie i saw a movie once it wasn't it wasn't uh with down syndrome but there was two [ __ ] people having sex and the movie was called uh mr and mrs small do mr tall and then and the i it was the weirdest weirdest weirdest weirdest [ __ ] movie and the mr small is clearly a gay dude who just got hired to [ __ ] another small person and he was eating the woman's [ __ ] but he kept on going like and then i was like it's over and then oh and then mr tall pulls a dick out for the woman to suck it and then mr small grabs the dick and he just and then i was like oh [ __ ] okay yeah this is this is like [ __ ] okay it's by porn but it was just the weirdest [ __ ] mr small was so happy to see big [ __ ] yeah it was very bizarre yeah so i might have a sex addiction too the normal range they said is six to ten anything below is uh all score wise yeah yeah score wise anything below six is i thought it like you know yeah i thought in terms of the age of the people that are in the videos yeah six to 10 is normal bro yeah 14 15 old as [ __ ] so yeah so below six it's like lack of a sex drive completely okay i was the complete opposite at uh 16. like one of them was uh you know the hurt yourself and then continued having sex damn that i never if i hurt myself [ __ ] that's it you never heard your dick [ __ ] i i i've heard my dick [ __ ] good i hurt myself once years and years ago uh i but then i stopped or no i time out no it's normal to to hurt your dick while [ __ ] but it's not normal even after you hurt your dick to continue years and years ago i met a girl who she i met her in this weird bar and she was like a kind of a s m type girl and she she she'd grab my dick and she started rubbing the tip of my dick rubbing or he's like just pushing on it and then started doing this and i was like what the [ __ ] what what why are you doing that and then i i try to let me reaction why are you doing that i tried to swing back and forth so i could at least like [ __ ] her hand while she was wrecking my penis with her stupid thumb and then so she did that for a while then i was like look [ __ ] it okay don't like shoes put like as if it was some kind of a button on the helicopter let's say this was the tip of my dick she was she was doing this and then i was like look stop stop stop and then i i [ __ ] her and then uh when i came it really hurt oh and then uh the next day when i got home i looked at my dick and the tip of my dick was purple and it was oh and then i met another girl that night and uh she brought me back to her place and i had to pretend like i was a gentleman because she was like i want to have sex with you and i was like never never on the first night but it's because my [ __ ] dick hurt like crazy like even just walking i remember i i like i was i don't know like 18. so i went home i i took a bus to go to my parents house then i had to walk and i remember walking i was going like ow ow what was that i get hurt like crazy like she was rubbing rubbing my dick [ __ ] she's trying to break it yeah she was trying to break my dick who likes that kind of there's people who like getting their stepped on their dicks and [ __ ] bro yeah i have seen i have seen something so nasty there was one video where they they do this to the guy basically it's these uh metal tubes i don't like where this is going oh in the pee hole yeah no [ __ ] i don't want to get out of that insane bro i was like what the [ __ ] how do you enjoy this it's like german torture yeah oh jesus i'm [ __ ] shivering just thinking about it yeah how is that a thing that's [ __ ] absurd i don't know who likes that i don't know who's like she's so hot i hope she destroys my penis like it doesn't make any sense yeah it doesn't make any sense it doesn't i'd love for her to punch me in the dick like i was like who thinks like that plus like a [ __ ] like a uh like a a vagina or even an even an [ __ ] like can open but then get smaller again but i have a feeling like if you jam [ __ ] in your pee hole it just eventually becomes it looks like this yeah you can see your ethernet cables in there you're like you're you go to a movie theater and you're hiding [ __ ] drinks didn't yang your [ __ ] yeah you [ __ ] three beer bottles come out [ __ ] yo but speaking of crazy [ __ ] that's happening uh jan you do have a guest with you don't you we do have a mixed martial arts uh fighter friend of the show and uh fan favorite olivier aubameyang's over here canadian gangster oh [ __ ] hello yeah okay hey are you wearing a red bandanna ah [ __ ] i knew i had to take it off i'm just saying because if you're not in the ring you join like yeah that's why you joined the bloods yeah [ __ ] pyro no but it's just easier you know you put it there and then you put it down that's it so what's happening now the the fight league that you're in it's postponed for sure yeah so you just joined a professional fight fight league yeah it's pfl and you're you're uh you were supposed to fight in november right yeah so basically the the show it's a it's a tournament so every year there's a tournament it's a prize fighting at this uh at its best and [ __ ] it's too bad that they didn't do a [ __ ] fight island you know it's like it's it's kind of like uh the the movie uh bloodsport yeah so it's more like mortal kombat so it's so there's [ __ ] wizards and [ __ ] there's a fight island there's a tournament i mean it's mortal kombat i mean it's one person that wins a million dollars yeah that's it okay [ __ ] but like other people uh still have some money do you fight to the death because i don't want you to it's dangerous but i would pay to watch that kind of tournament i'm just i'm down with that kind of [ __ ] that's crazy maybe on fatalian but not uh not this one not okay in the future maybe a man could drink probably in the future i'm pretty sure we're going there right now it seems like we're going there like nobody gives a [ __ ] anymore yeah we need extreme things to make us hard like sticking stuff inside our pockets what's the movie that they kill people once a year oh the purge yeah oh yeah yeah we're going right now it's starting to feel purgey a little yeah that's why i'm ready there's one of those it's not a hate crime if it's during the purge there's gonna be that i think uh putting people like locking people up for another month there's gonna be something crazy after for sure yeah there's already humans aren't supposed to be stuck in their apartment for so long no that's why um i was tweeting today i was telling people to come out since it's the last time for a month that you're gonna be able to see a live show because even me i was like oh this is gonna suck a month of just you can't do anything like this gonna it's gonna suck dicks and now it's gonna be colder too like at least before it was like towards the summer colder daylight savings time is over right so we're now it's actually starting we're gonna see saving daylight by being in the dark for [ __ ] more doesn't make any sense um yeah it's going to be a shitty couple of months coming up when do you think uh your uh the the pfl is going to have their their big fight uh probably 20 21 i would say so how are you living like how like where are you my man [Music] the goddamn cert money is keeping him alive plus a bunch of random unorganized street fights but yeah no it's a it's it's hard these days but i'm probably not the worst so i won't complain but uh yeah now i'm trying to take out my [ __ ] red bandanna there you go and um no that's it so i don't right now i'm doing little class at the at the park to train but yeah he started teaching mma in the park i know i follow him sometimes he has a gsp randomly show up and running and [ __ ] like they're they're training hard definitely crazy people that that pay to learn mma in the park and then champion shows up and beats them up how much how do like well look i'm like about a guy it's like a test every freaking class so yeah okay how much do you have to beat joshua 10 against one how much is it for for people that want to join your your it's 20 bucks yeah it's a one hour okay and then today it's ten bucks but it's more uh like uh tuesday thursday and sunday it's more technical i really show like a technique to [ __ ] fight and uh on wednesdays more uh cardio so uh it's ten bucks so how many and and uh where is it uh okay so people show up at bacla fontaine montreal yeah and then you you they they find you you always in the same spot or yeah just beside the dog park okay and uh yeah that's it so we have a little uh pretty good class it's it's pretty fun right now i have this rapper i think yeah i thought he gave you the bandana he gave me the bandana it's will wizard remember well wizard yeah yeah yeah you told me about him i just like his name will wizard where's weezer sounds like a good name he's a good rapper named yeah he's a french rapper yeah he's a french rapper yeah oh gotta check him out and he is funny because he's training and every class is telling me like i'm gonna [ __ ] beat up every rapper in montreal i like oh yeah okay okay and he caught up with the rapper he calls out rappers like you know these guys training on instagram you call us rapper quebec rappers yeah dude the first time i came on to drink minimum i told you it's the future like yeah yeah people well celebrities fighting fighters but who like what are the quebec what's his name wizard him well we're wizards what are quebec rapper names give me another one sp yeah there's a guy named who's uh oh he's a rapper who who was the guy that when uh he wants to come out he want to fight me yeah oh yeah and yeah he wanted to fight you too also outside yeah then i made fun of him yeah i'm live yeah because i said something i don't know about something he wanted to fight you pantene yeah don't you remember because i mean you started shooting we started sending your messages with me you both sent them threatened messages but i told him the only president is on his brain clearly because of [ __ ] [ __ ] like i went uh [Laughter] because he always on your brain yeah and then and then i see a screenshot of this [ __ ] threatening to beat him up too amazing and i was like imagine he's like i'm gonna show mike ward what's what he sends one message there's a ufc fighter there's a psychopath everyone's just texting him and there's a guy in the closet yes this guy come here yeah no he's uh that guy was a [ __ ] weirdo he just wanted he thought that he was gonna try to steal my thunder and he was like i'll show everyone i'm defending a young handicapped boy and people are like hey go [ __ ] yourself because everyone you know it was confusing because everyone who saw the message like we understand what you're doing are you trying to make mike ward look bad for making fun of a [ __ ] by now making fun of another [ __ ] like how do you how is this gonna work there was a guy there there was a guy in quebec rap called the sir patetsek which uh so these names are pretty this is his name his name is like mr pathetic and uh he had he i kind of like that he had one song about a little girl that got kidnapped and it it kind of went viral it was a really bad song but like he was for her getting kidnapped no no he he was like we have to find her blah blah okay and then like a couple years went by and he didn't have any hits or nothing went viral so he wrote another song about the little girl you're like god damn [ __ ] you know i hope we don't find her yeah this is the only songs that make me money yeah it's weird yeah but there are some good french rappers in quebec well the best ones who are they are gi joe and gi jane bro have you seen their music have you ever seen gi they're [ __ ] famous have you they're they are what uh okay so like whenever i go to alberta and people here i'm from quebec they're what they think we are here okay they are white trash quebecers who have taken the french language and raped it and then made a video singing this new language that they made it is hilarious they are i hope that they go to heaven when they die they're good people they've given us some entertainment uh but like there are two crackheads that sing because does that make sense yeah and then they feuded crackheads yeah they were together and they and and like she is not an attractive woman his woman but in the video he was pretending she's a hot chick he's like she's famous uh check cfs and weird [ __ ] like that and then i guess they they broke up because he [ __ ] another crackhead in in the trailer oh really yeah and then she released like a diss track like [ __ ] gia joe and he's like [ __ ] g.i j like [ __ ] both of you people like this is insane [ __ ] i never saw them i have to see them [ __ ] longer is finest bro i'm telling you are they no i have no idea yeah they have to be from long gay i have no clue actually but there's something like that maybe like something yeah i'm gonna show you the videos after it's uh something else yeah they are honestly they're two [ __ ] crackheads is what they are yeah but they're fun they seem like nice people yeah wow like how long ago was was that i remember 10 years ago no i think so yeah it went viral she's famous she's [ __ ] famous you know you remember that [ __ ] yeah i really yeah well i i do but it's like a dream you know some would some would describe it as a nightmare but it depends depends who you ask do you get like homeless people that show up to your class since you're in the park um yeah but they they don't do the class okay they are just besides screaming at the people like punching in the air when they scream and shout like that and interrupt the class you should use them as training i make them do like a shadow boxing so they punch in the air okay and like drunk people and uh yeah weirdos who's just somebody inside and just scream at them like and every time i do the same joke and it's pretty lame but it's like uh yeah i i paid her to uh to do that you know so you have to defend yourself so you get your students to beat the [ __ ] out of homeless women well yeah that's a joke ollie ollie look i'm i'm not uh the person's gonna judge your strategy to you know fight homelessness but there's a better way to beat homelessness you're doing you're doing way more than the mayor so i like it i like it next thing you got to start punching people with bicycles in the head and you're the new mayor but no it's uh no the app will wizard that's him and her rapper beating up homeless people jesus christ first page front page of juneau yeah what up by the way can we talk about gerald are these people so journaled for those of you who don't speak french is basically the montreal it's supposed to be a newspaper it's not a newspaper it's a tabloid they just make a newspaper for people that like to look at pictures yes yeah newspaper for me basically yeah dude it's yeah any time there's an article i'm like that's not exactly true like they always [ __ ] around and uh sugar sammy saw what happened last week yeah he made a joke which made sense the joke you know everything's going to [ __ ] right now and the the officer along frances basically in quebec we have which is the language the language police they basically dictate if uh businesses are adhering to certain laws are put in place to protect the language and the culture uh but it's not always applied in that fashion sometimes it does protect the language of the culture sometimes it's just ridiculous anyway so they said we have 57 new openings so sammy just made a joke he's like oh it's good now when everything goes bankrupt at least we'll do it in french it was it you know it was it was a very simple joke it was fine [ __ ] man people were like that's very hurtful not people uh this one [ __ ] [Music] yes bro it's not the first time i've seen her on yesterday sophie that's her name uh sophie of the rocks or whatever sophie the rock so and yeah it was just i've seen other articles that she had written and they're all nonsense right so here's the crazy part is so she writes like basically like he's anti-quebec like she's like she's stretching okay first of all this guy doesn't like the quebec what are you talking about he went to france from quebec and he won the best comedian in france in one year he [ __ ] all of france representing quebec alright so we we didn't have to do anything we sat back and we [ __ ] the french in france that's that's how super quebec sammy is okay he went there and held a flag for us so anyways so um so he's like what the [ __ ] i texted him he's like i don't care because this is [ __ ] fun for me but then i saw her this is when i know that she's full of [ __ ] she wrote in french though she said oh well the offer still stands if you want to come on my show we'll talk or if you want to go to old montreal and grab a slice of pizza this [ __ ] is looking to suck sammy's dick and the way she asked for a date was by calling him a racist you know how [ __ ] crazy you have to be like who how is that your reply you know if you still want we could grab a slice of pizza if there's a person that i don't like that i think is against my culture i'm not gonna have a [ __ ] slice of pizza with him well look her boyfriend has a has a show like but her her and her boyfriend her boyfriend works for joel nelle too yeah and they're both what what's the name of the baby that's it they they they're both the exact same type of person like i even have a bit about her in my in my uh french stand-up show uh because she had when when i was going through my whole court thing uh she'd written an article saying that i wasn't she's very anti-muslim and she she wrote a thing saying that my thing wasn't for freedom of speech i wasn't an edgy comic if i was i heard i do comedy uh about muslim extrem islamic as extremists and her her husband same thing he's always [ __ ] on me and he has a tv show and it's the last season and they called my manager and they were like uh richard would like to have mike as a guest because he's always been a huge fan of mike and then i told michelle i was like just answer back i have the internet i know like just [ __ ] google that piece of shit's name and google mike's name and you'll see that he [ __ ] hates me like he's just bringing me there to [ __ ] try to set me up [ __ ] both these people [ __ ] both of them yeah you know what i don't like her i'm happy though what they're going through now because all of their uh all of their fan base were very uh the it's all of the anti-mask people were all their fans and now they're pro masks so they lost everyone all the two became pro masks yeah so there's like [ __ ] muslim women let's become muslim women it's very yeah yeah some did oh [ __ ] that's a mixed message you're sending you a dumb dumb [ __ ] that's a mixed message goddamn don't wear a burqa unless you're indoors yeah yeah i didn't know about her husband but i heard the story that guy that tried to get you on a show that was talking [ __ ] what a bunch of just stand by you don't like me you don't like someone just be that person you don't think i hate about them they're very uh uh hideous how does he look they're very goblin-esque how does he look he looks like a he's a gray-haired he looks like uh uh like a villain in uh in a adam sandler movie like he looks like an old millionaire he looks like the type of guy that would wear a blazer with the t-shirt and a scarf so he looks like he's trying to walk into the neighborhood to then kick everybody out of their homes to build like a golf course some [ __ ] right yeah you know it's not the big villain you know the the cheap villain he's more like this you know like the dad's that is a villain but not the rich dude that he's a sleazeball yeah yeah he's gonna [ __ ] out of your coupons yeah oh man yeah [ __ ] both these people they deserve each other good yeah they do deserve each other yeah you think they do that at home like they [ __ ] each other over then apologize and invite each other to their shows yeah i'm pretty sure that's that that's her foreplay they're like you're racist no you're a racist okay [ __ ] me in the ass and then he's and then she's like fine i'll do it i'll do it oh it took you a while because i was taking a sip yeah anyways so i saw and you see you know why this this [ __ ] shocks me ever since the time we were on rogan i've noticed this garbage newspaper they'll write the dumbest things instead of the ones that when we did rogan they're like mike ward says that hell's angels are good people a three-hour conversation yeah but that's what they thought they're like my court says hellsingers are good people and they're the same as cops yeah [ __ ] idiot that's true yeah i said that well i remember because we were barely out of the studio we were in the car we were in the car driving and i like i'm looking at my phone there was like a lot of text coming through in this and that and then mike giggles i'm always like hey and i'm like why are you laughing he's like look at this they said that i support the hell's angels and they're the same as cops yeah they didn't waste it because i i said the same phrase that everyone always says whenever you're talking about organized crime you're always like you know if you don't owe them money they're not bad dudes yeah which is just a way of saying that you know they're not gonna break your legs for no reason for no reason yeah but that's not saying saying someone if you don't know the money they're not bad people isn't saying they're you know on a list of the best people in the world there's uh the hell's angels and then people that help disabled children like that's the hierarchy yeah well they do help like there was uh i've seen all kinds of stories where they go you're not helping me right now just but you know what's funny is because in my head in my head like don't say don't say it but like i know a couple hell's angels and they're all really nice [ __ ] guys girls are super nice like that's the truth what do you want to say yeah but but i've seen all kinds of videos where like a kid will get bullied at school and then they'll all pull up on their [ __ ] bikes and [ __ ] and they intimidate the other kids the hell's angels they're [ __ ] saints bro they're beating up pre-pubescent kids they're gonna play that they're stealing pokemon cards and they basically protect the kid that that uh was what he said was valid just unless you're like a [ __ ] i don't know a muslim extremist that wants to blow people up unless you're one of them in general most people if you don't [ __ ] with them they're gonna be cool yeah unless you're crazy that's all he said and yeah but they were watching they're like out of all this stuff three hours we gotta find this is the one thing we could take out of context a bit and make him look like a [ __ ] psychopath so it was just like instead of being proud the biggest comedian in the province one of the biggest show on the planet that should have been the [ __ ] headline yeah instead the [ __ ] mike wore the hell's angels it's crazy yeah and i loved how that article was written in french then got picked up by the associated press in english so it was a it was a english translation of a french article about an english show so it was just weird when they were describing joe rogan in english like my brother's in calgary and there was the article came out in the calgary herald or whatever the [ __ ] paper is and it was mike ward was on a popular podcast yeah he was on the uh uh internet radio show hosted by uh fear factors joe yeah yeah they don't know what's going on my cousin from alberta was the one who was laughing sent me a screenshot of there it was in their newspaper also and he's laughing he's like what the [ __ ] what i saw the whole interview what are they talking about yeah yeah yeah so that's what happened that's why i don't like her so for the record journal garbage people yeah but it but because of that that's how i learned how to speak proper quebec french i learned that there's different words because i used to not know because of that like i used to you know you won't talk me like the different types of words like uh journal de morale that's how i would say it in french to people but i found out you could just say vidange and it's yes yeah and it's the same thing it's the same people understand they're like no yeah so it's the same [ __ ] thing yeah uh yeah i don't like i don't like any because they they [ __ ] with two of my friends now they [ __ ] with you they [ __ ] with sammy and sometimes they'll see articles just random [ __ ] let me get the [ __ ] out of here man i don't like these [ __ ] people no i never [ __ ] with you though they're not gonna [ __ ] with me yeah are you crazy they're not gonna [ __ ] with me because he he's busy i i have time to [ __ ] with them they're not gonna [ __ ] with me that would be a terrible idea i have too much time on my hands and i don't like them and i don't care what they write so the powers with me really look at what i have with me uh [ __ ] a confused gay man yeah filled with rage and testosterone if they attack me that's the first thing i'm saying is sofi de roche de testas homosexuals yeah he'll he'll [ __ ] put both of them in a corner pull his pants off and then look at his dick and then go my dick after 11 minutes my dick tells you tells me i don't like you guys you're not good people he's gonna force them to look at his penis for 15 minutes like it's just a test don't be weird about this it's gonna be like a weird [ __ ] version of what you watched he's like if it doesn't move we're good if it moves you're [ __ ] literally literally yeah i should get you for your birthday an autographed uh version of mr tall and mrs small oh my god so that's midgets it's it's not really they're not midgets they're they're deformed little people that's original yeah but there's but what the dwarves the woman is very [ __ ] the man is a little [ __ ] and the giant is also [ __ ] so it's just it's three [ __ ] people [ __ ] people that are different sizes and a director who is just a piece of garbage person and a set that must smell like garbage oh yeah like i can't imagine [ __ ] people having sex the order it must be [ __ ] horrible i don't even get to the odor just retards having sex i stop i'm like this isn't for me they're very sexual though i had i my mom's friend had a daughter that had down syndrome and whenever she'd come over i'd always tell my mom just uh when i go to the bathroom distract her because she'd always like jiggle with the door and then she'd use a thing to unlock the door i want to press on your penis so no but it was almost that so whenever i go like either pee or [ __ ] she'd like come in the bathroom and want to touch my dick and i was like just [ __ ] relax just jesus christ calm the [ __ ] down like i'm not going to show you my dick i didn't he had the [ __ ] person that i knew growing up [ __ ] pete his name uh i witnessed [ __ ] strength with him that's for sure he broke down a door um but he was more sexual though i didn't notice well he was sexually i know this because he used to always sit huh you witness it no but i everyone knew that he would uh always go to on park avenue what's the shitty strip club oh i forgot the name that what the [ __ ] it called it's xxx something on fair mountain park avenue he would always always go there apparently friday nights and get thrown out repeatedly uh but because i worked with him at harvey's once i remember and i got him in trouble because he was trying to [ __ ] with me to return uh i didn't want to clean the toilets then he was supposed to clean the toilets and then he tricked him and he was gonna make me clean the toilets and i said i'm gonna get this [ __ ] fired uh so yeah this whole thing happened but anyways so one time what he did when i was younger is at the community center uh i don't know what the [ __ ] came over him but he showed up in the kitchen and he dropped a dead pigeon on the counter and he said cook it yeah and they kicked us they [ __ ] kicked him out yeah they're like don't bring [ __ ] pictures you're bringing diseases in here he's like no no it's edible it's a [ __ ] bird cooking like you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] peter yeah yeah it was [ __ ] pete yeah pete yeah how did he catch the [ __ ] pigeon odds are the pigeon was already dead poseidon how do you know that i don't honestly i don't know that that's actually pretty interesting but he was a very strong guy i saw him break a door down once he was like michael myers he probably caught it but yeah he just he caught it by stepping on it in the park maybe but he was very big he was aggressive he reminds me i should not whenever i watch the new halloween remakes sometimes i get glimpses of him chasing me uh [ __ ] pediatrics used to [ __ ] with him because he was older than me and i remember one time we locked him in the weight room this is [ __ ] hilarious okay oh so the weight room is probably where the end of this wall is in this in the venue we are in right now probably that distance from the door and uh in order to let him out because he was [ __ ] freaking i was gonna break the door down we were scared so we go wait all the way at the other side and face the face the wall and the wall is a big mirror and then we'll unlock the door he's [ __ ] [ __ ] bro so he's looking at the mirrors so you can see us right as soon as it clicks open i don't know how he turned that fast through he came at us like a [ __ ] rhino okay and it was just through the door you know while we're running and [ __ ] and chasing us so it scared the [ __ ] out of me because of the [ __ ] strength and uh yeah it was very powerful very powerful very powerful man uh and yeah so since then i would get that glimpse whenever i see like a halloween movie i always remember that time in the gym coming out yeah because he was [ __ ] if he would if he would have caught me guaranteed he would have killed me because he doesn't know is this you know his own strength he was he was big he wasn't fat he was big and strong yes there's something crazy about watching horror movies and imagining the murderer as a [ __ ] man but because that's how he is i see a lot of parallels because he used to do a lot of michael meyer stuff and i didn't know at the time and then when i saw how i was like [ __ ] man should he be around us because he's clearly [ __ ] crazy because he had no mask on obviously but he would do a lot of the just staring blindly yeah he would do a lot of that [ __ ] and the movie still [ __ ] me when i watch it because i think of him because he would do a lot like it's like he was trying to analyze the situation he doesn't understand what's going on so he would just tilt his head like that but he had but he looks like austin powers like that's how his face looks like yeah yeah it was [ __ ] creepy and he was tall too pretty yeah yeah yeah it's crazy that a [ __ ] guy that reminds you of michael myers loved mike myers he looks like now that i think what he looked like austin powers had huge teeth coming out and [ __ ] like yeah yeah he completed the look he was uh he went full [ __ ] like uh yeah yeah wasn't wasn't jason like in friday the 13th wasn't he [ __ ] too like in the movie i think he was inbred okay and which generally doesn't make the smartest no definitely not the upper echelon of society like you're not like i think albert einstein's parents were a brother and sister yeah and i'm pretty sure it's halloween it's not uh friday no no no no but uh i'm talking about uh because uh uh michael myers is halloween but jason voorhees was friday the 13th and i think he was he his yeah so he was in brad you talking about pete richardo pete no uh uh uh jason uh from friday jason had something [ __ ] up because he was but the first time you find out about jason was like at the end of the first movie when he comes out of the water because it's his mother it's his mother's killing people right yeah didn't she try to drown him or some [ __ ] no i think uh kids at the camp that they were in were bullying young jason and uh they they drowned him or by accident he drowned because they were like making fun of him we thought ah [ __ ] jason's a [ __ ] and then he drowned and then the mother went [ __ ] crazy so she started killing uh because it makes sense who else wears a hockey mask at a summer camp except for a [ __ ] guy he's like i'm a goalie let's play hockey he's like oh [ __ ] i never i never spot that deep into it okay he's there with a stick like shut the [ __ ] up jason we're not playing hockey he's like come on i got the mask yeah he's watching hockey games and he's just doing ch that's our goalie breathes because of the mask it's like the mighty ducks yeah so anyways the [ __ ] peter yeah he reminds him michael myers he had a lot of those uh those michael myers takes [ __ ] this is weird like i'm getting it feels like i'm having repressed memories how like uh uh olivier how like like uh we're talking about uh [ __ ] strength or yeah this is a myth in there in mma there's never been a [ __ ] man in mma to like [ __ ] everyone else oh but it's not a myth there's always this guy i've seen [ __ ] shrink at work however not every [ __ ] has retouching because i've met many [ __ ] people retards are just super weak very weak very weak but i've but [ __ ] pete [ __ ] shrek a la max like yeah but it's a myth we we don't know yet we don't know yet we i'm telling you we are talking about we know about the farmer's strength this is real the former one the forearm yeah no the farmer like uh farmer like a farmer like farmer strength like someone that works on a farm oh that explains my grandmother yeah this is true your grandmother your grandmother had farmer strength yeah i think you missed her but i guarantee you he did not say someone who [ __ ] on a farm how strong was your grandmother oh my god you're deaf she beat him inside she beat up ritardo pizza was it on your dad's side or your mom my mom's side okay uh like she could she's like 80 something she could still sprint yeah does she have to be in front of a mirror and someone unlocks a door or she he's asking you if she's [ __ ] yeah i know no she's uh she's a sweet lady at some point she taught me how to kill a chicken yeah it sounds like a sweet lady would do this like with her hands or with a knife with a knife with a butcher okay uh like uh she scared uh my uncle's wife the other day because like my uncle's wife had a hard time bringing up like bags of potatoes [ __ ] century does your family live in like no it's in the village in greece okay okay yeah okay yeah i thought it was here because you never hear that as a problem like [ __ ] i had problem bringing bags of potatoes someone that lives well you can still buy bags of potatoes i know but you don't you generally you don't buy enough bags of potatoes to cause you problems to for it to be a problem ah yeah i switched yeah so yeah he's like sorry mike i just wasn't using potato math i apologize so how many bags of potatoes did she buy do you know uh four okay and she couldn't even bring one up and she calls my grandmother over and my grandmother literally threw two bags of potatoes over her shoulders like a [ __ ] viking and then grabbed the other one on the other hand and run up the stairs drop them runs downstairs and then yanks the other one up the stairs and like okay you're good that's actually kind of scary did you bring up your ant like not on my ass shoulder no no no my aunt was like holy [ __ ] this woman's a [ __ ] beast yeah [ __ ] did she tell her husband why are you such a [ __ ] he's a goddamn old lady bringing up the potatoes where the [ __ ] are you my grandfather was probably in the fields or something yeah you took it too literally we're just busting them i don't know i don't know that's fine god damn it yeah recharge strength so uh ali says that in the mma community they say that it's a myth that hasn't been proven but i've met a [ __ ] strength person that i have met uh weak [ __ ] people too but i know yeah but you have to feel it you cannot see it you have to feel it you know it's it's it's so it's like it's like that was weird [Laughter] feel the [ __ ] strength in you [Laughter] you're like you're like [ __ ] yoda [Laughter] use the force [ __ ] no but i'm telling you it's there but to feel it you don't want to take a chance like uh like i'm just i'm only talking about [ __ ] pete because because he was like [ __ ] strong um yeah that he would kill someone but he was also very large he was a tall he was tall he was built wide and his teeth were [ __ ] massive so maybe maybe it's like a horse yeah what did he do like he broke a door he's broken two doors down that i saw uh yeah but taking a door it's not like no no yeah i don't know it was it was heavy duty [ __ ] i like that ali is trying to show they threw down stronger than [ __ ] look okay i don't have the mma thing right now because i can't fight but i'm struggling with a [ __ ] i can still go beat the [ __ ] out of retirement it's a door i mean yeah i know what you're saying but no they were strong doors it was very surprising i saw him also tip over vending machine once did you test the door before yeah but i was young it was going to be [ __ ] it was going to be hard for me anyway yeah so i'm not the right measure but i'm telling you richardo pete a lot of strength in [ __ ] yeah i think though like but he hated me we had a rivalry going like [ __ ] p probably wouldn't be a good fighter no because even though he's super strong he's a [ __ ] he like he wouldn't know how to he wouldn't be like okay aim for the chin he'd just be like well no he's not like he could talk he could talk pretty normally you know but uh you know he's [ __ ] guaranteed yeah he can't hide the fact that he's [ __ ] that's for sure uh but he had a lot of strength but me and him had a rivalry because ever since those times i was young when he would try to kill me i developed that kind of uh hatred towards him okay so then when i started working at harvey's when i was young like 15 and then i found out he was working there and they were paying him and hot dogs his [ __ ] [ __ ] and uh yeah anyways so then we rivaled there and i got him in trouble there uh and then years later i think i told you this is being paid in hot dogs yeah god damn that can't be illegal oh it wasn't legal how many hot dogs would he eat though i i'm pretty sure i wonder if his boss was like here's seven hot dogs but income tax and then he'd like to take two of them but they would [ __ ] with him uh but i remember so years later so i was 15 years old working harvest in my early 20s and i hadn't seen this guy in years in my early 20s uh somewhere on saint laurent close to saint laurent and uh close to lauren ontario actually somebody like a friend of a friend was doing like some kind of art exhibit thing so i went to see whatever and then i picked up this chick that was there and we went to saint catherine do you guys remember on st catherine next to hotel there was a dairy queen so we walk into the dairy queen bro it's summer and it's full right i'm like let's go get some ice cream who's behind the [ __ ] turns around bro like a movie retardo pete okay now dairy queen is full [ __ ] pete [ __ ] only notices me okay years later this [ __ ] [ __ ] still remembered my face okay yeah so he sees me i see him and there's this [ __ ] moment you know like a deer in the headlights he's [ __ ] serving us bro he's still he's like oh what do you want and i was like i knew something's gonna happen i was like nothing for me sir just her and he's dude he's full [ __ ] like he's he's playing are you sure are you sure yeah like i'm [ __ ] sure sir nothing for me just for her and then she's like who why are you talking like this to a [ __ ] [ __ ] person behind the cash like what is happening and then i was like i have a rivalry with him it's a long standing day for years she's like what the [ __ ] is happening like what life are you living you're like you're like in family guy peter griffin and that chicken yeah so anyways here's the [ __ ] up thing i still to this day don't know i never saw him go after that day by the way but i'll tell you why cause i was disgusted because he had his back towards us and every time like he was making her thing and he kept turning around and giving me dirt looks and looking back dirty looks looking back and his saliva was always leaking from his face yeah so i was like i was like i'm not going nowhere near this [ __ ] like this is done right now for me and that was it that was the end of that the owner of the of the dairy queen was like i'll pay you an ice cream we got to get hot dogs this guy wants to get paid in hot dogs here's what i thought about this after when i saw the dairy queen and nobody's been able to answer this [ __ ] question this is what so he worked at harvey's i was there i know because he worked there i worked there i went and i got ice cream today i told him i know he worked at dairy queen how is he getting these customer service related jobs government pays his salary this is a man who try to eat the pigeon i i think i told you this already i i had applied for a job in uh in a depan like a 7-11 and uh they hired a [ __ ] person instead of me which is like hard on the ego when you're 16. and you're like i'm gonna work in this store and you're like okay i can do this and this is my qualities and i'd be and then the person that they hire instead is is some [ __ ] dude i like yellow yeah yeah that that's it what yeah what what's your what's your strengths i like yellow i have good strength there look mike we like you but this guy's got something yeah but then so the first couple of times i went to the store i was like [ __ ] that guy in their eyes is a better employee than i am but then the the owner like like years later told me he was like yeah this is a government program you know that like i would have paid you minimum wage i pay him minimum wage and the government gives me like six bucks an hour and in those days minimum wage like seven so or not even like they it was 650 and the government gave them like 6 30. so it cost 20 cents an hour to have retardo pete making making your hot dogs okay now that makes guy at [ __ ] harvey's was getting six bucks an hour from the government and giving him [ __ ] in hot dogs that's yeah that's a [ __ ] good scam yeah but what a piece of [ __ ] yeah yeah richard pete was a piece of [ __ ] the owner just so just thinks he's hurt just in case someone here is unaware of what like he's just rude you know people you know like all people there's a lot of good old people not every old person is a good person not every retired person is good either [ __ ] pete was an [ __ ] he was a well-known [ __ ] he wasn't a good person just so that we're all on the same [ __ ] page because a lot of people are like this [ __ ] feuding with like a he was a bad [ __ ] person he was not a good [ __ ] just so that we're all on the same [ __ ] page he was not a good person and this was known yeah i'm trying to think you know how uh are are you gonna do the podcast with uh guido uh yeah well yeah when he's ready because [ __ ] we didn't mention this like uh best wishes to guido guido [ __ ] fell like literally passed out while walking fell no like the old lady today in the morning actually oh [ __ ] the same thing happened to guido two days ago how the [ __ ] did that not cut my head yeah he fell he broke his eye sock and everything [ __ ] up his whole face jesus christ yeah yeah little grass ladies and gentlemen so you're gonna be there so is he did he go to the hospital i guess he went to hospital that's where they found him uh because he didn't remember and he told me that he's you know he's he's he's recovering right now uh yeah so all my [ __ ] and it's [ __ ] crazy because his brother fell by himself on the sidewalk [ __ ] up his face his teeth went in his lips and [ __ ] i saw the old lady it happened to her today guido it happened to two days ago like what's wrong with you people the sidewalk is defeating you like jesus [ __ ] 5g that's the 5g god damn what is happening bro like [ __ ] pete that would never happen to him i'm just saying i'm just saying because retardo pete would be a good third mike for their show um look i haven't seen repeats since the dairy queen incident which was here i was in my early 20s i'm [ __ ] 34 years old now um so he's probably 50. yeah he's older and [ __ ] years and dog years at the same time so he's definitely dead well i know his brother's dead yeah right uh kramer died right now yeah sure yeah the crackhead's dead that's for sure someone said it in the chat room you should bring him for the gluten fest who [ __ ] pete yeah against uh against the passage if anyone from the chat is from park x which there are a lot of projects and no [ __ ] pizza whereabouts right now uh write them in the chat so jan could see them cause i honestly don't know i haven't seen him since then and i used to you know used to catch glimpses of these people but his brother i would see a lot his brother would would be smoking crack yeah uh so you know i'd buy him burgers and [ __ ] like that to keep him uh off crack for 14 seconds um but him i haven't seen rotoropeda forever maybe he moved to some [ __ ] maybe i don't know i mean it's richardo pete this is canada he might be a [ __ ] mp or some [ __ ] i don't know i might be running for office in ottawa oh [ __ ] so yeah yeah nobody knows the whereabouts or turtle pete he could probably eat like 20 pounds of food though i don't know if he was paid in hot dogs he did eat a lot but he was also yeah would be that big also bro but he wasn't like a fat guy it doesn't matter that the larger you are the more you need to eat so he just this is a [ __ ] man that he just wants to use for a science experiment is this he's the bad guy here not me what how am i getting paid for this how how would you feel doing a contest against a [ __ ] man and losing i wouldn't feel bad but he uh like he'd have to be in a cage or something what the [ __ ] holy [ __ ] look guys no no no no no no no no no hold on because he's [ __ ] that is that is sophie derroche level of that that is that's because of his strength like i don't want to say something and then he [ __ ] attacks me jesus christ that is like not necessarily him in a cage i don't want to offend him bro maybe i throw out some kind of crazy math equation [ __ ] loses [ __ ] i don't i came out very wrong it came you asked to put a return person in the cage in order to be with him in the same room yeah that was bad i was bad you know the only other person that said that was hitler yeah what that's it it's you and hitler bro like a bunch of besties that's not good company that's not good company he's fat hitler yeah he's fit the chibler the but instead of having the mustache in the middle i mean it's like the opposite because i can't like captain hook yeah basically look i don't like him i've already told you this so look ali uh thank you for [ __ ] being here ollie where is he yeah yeah he's still there yeah you were amazed by the hitler comment yeah i know he's a piece of garbage we if you guys learned anything in this episode is that uh me and mike very good people poseidon terrible human being yeah he's pretty terrible i love all people he's a he's a goddamn bully he's a bad person ollie uh remind people where they're going to find you online because now that you've said this you're going to get a lot of people that are going to want to come box with you in the park oh yeah just just come at the phone at six six o'clock at night on tuesday six in the morning no but about six in the morning or six at night no this is nothing but for real six at night yeah they can contact me on there it sounds like because i know i went to the restaurant with them a couple weeks ago whenever he invites you somewhere it always sounds like you're gonna get mugged well he literally said hey they could come six o'clock and we're gonna fight them that's what he said yeah come to the park bring a lot of money and expensive watch and then i'll teach you how to fight yeah he's like if i can't take you gsp will don't worry about it so so what what night is it it's uh tuesday wednesday thursday yeah and sunday but they can contact me on instagram i answer to almost everything what's the answer yeah what's the insta handle uh ali obama only your bench just all your bank and he's or google canadian gangster you're gonna find you're you're everywhere right your twitter facebook yeah instagram yeah [Laughter] so he's looking for a fight but uh if anybody's gonna [ __ ] train you here in montreal uh ali and his [ __ ] fighting friends are the best people do it he's good at what the [ __ ] he does a nice guy to be around it's very positive and uh you're gonna [ __ ] end up losing if anything you can end up losing weight at the bare minimum future future millionaire if if there wasn't a pandemic he might be a millionaire right now and now he is this close to accepting hot dogs you know what's crazy is this might make guys like him who always want to be in there more full of rage so when the tournament starts up it's not part of the rules but he's going to turn it into a fight to the death type of situation he's going to start killing people but uh follow ali and yeah if you're in the marshall area i've been thinking about it for a while to go with him on these training sessions because it looks [ __ ] fun like everyone's actually laughing even though they look like they're [ __ ] sweating bullets so uh ali and for mike you already know mike ward.ca is the website and if you go to his patreon patreon.com you're going to find the number one french language comedy podcast on the planet that is mike ward suzekut and you could sign up [Applause] mike thought ahead he knew there was gonna be a second wave second lockdown so he's got like i think 20 episodes uh 11 11 episodes that's almost 20. it's almost 20. twice as many no but uh michael ray thought about it in case something like this happened so until the adjustment period happens he's already got you covered so people that aren't on patreon aren't gonna see a difference of people on patreon i'll start doing shows from my house uh like the the but they'll only be for for uh my patrons yeah only so i'll and i'll never put them out anywhere except for patreon oh yeah exclusive yeah and that that's not even uh just as a gift for my people on patreon it's just i want the susie quote to always look the same like for people on on youtube and then uh but but i wanted to create content for my people i i think everybody [ __ ] appreciates that that's good i mean right my patreon uh two dollars you get the audio three dollars video five dollars live seven hot dogs you get a [ __ ] band that'll sing the national anthem it's amazing and two drink minimum is everywhere you get on youtube you get it on spotify podcast pantelscomedy.com for all my stuff patreon.com your patreon like you should talk about it more you you give a lot of [ __ ] yeah uh t-shirts we have giveaway on t-shirts this month till the 30th so the last day of this month uh we're giving away for anybody who signs up for a yearly membership uh limited edition pantel's podcast keychains okay so yeah we have those he's actually fixing them this week because there's the metal strap that he's got to do so we got that uh you could win t-shirts every month that's where those cool two-drink minimum shirts go you can only win them you can't buy them uh you could find poseidon at the poseidon69 on instagram and twitter or that's his name nearby harveys or uh he doesn't have a youtube channel but if you go to uh youporn.com trans it's basically a list of his favorite videos so thank you all very much and go [ __ ] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] yourselves [Music] you

Channel: undefined

Views: 6,772

Rating: 4.9076924 out of 5

Keywords: 2 Drink Minimum, Mike Ward, Pantelis, compound media, montreal, comedy, podcast, Sous Écoute, Bordel, Olivier Aubin Mercier, Canadian Gangster, UFC, PFL

Id: dhBqE8w2Pio

Length: 93min 7sec (5587 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 30 2020