‌‌F My Life

today I went to the store to pick up some feminine products as I was paying the male cashier looked at me sympathetically and asked if it was my girlfriend's time of the month I'm a girl and was buying them for myself FML today my mother sat me down to tell me that since coming home from college I sounded like a liberated woman she was disappointed and disturbed by this unsaid that I should stop having strong opinions and ideals because it would make finding a husband for me difficult FML today I found out I'm allergic to bug repellent so instead of having a couple of achieve bug bites my skin feels like it's on fire and is violently itchy everywhere the repellent has touched FML today my beautiful bride walked towards me in a dress that looked just like a ribbed condom FML today I went to confession I told the priest that I had an intimate relationship with a woman that I'm not married to he chuckled and said you know lying is a sin - I wasn't lying FML today I was drying my duvet and pillows in the dryer apparently one of the pillows was memory foam which I was not aware of it caught on fire due to the heat and nearly burned down my laundry room FML today my fire alarm startled me so badly that I myself FML today I had to politely not and say are okay as my grandpa told me that he's not racist he just doesn't think it's right for black men to associate with white women he's well aware that my boyfriend is black FML today my boyfriend renewed his driver's license and showed me the picture I told him he needed to go back because they'd put the wrong birthdate turns out the idiot forgot he's been lying to me about his age the whole time we've been together he's not actually 30 he'll be 43 and two months FML [Music] today I worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend that I love her she made a face like she'd just sucked on a lemon and said um yay I guess and awkwardly left the room FML today my boyfriend got drunk and had a fistfight with a dumb teenager which was bad enough but he also lost the fight which was just pathetic and embarrassing FML today I found out how much it hurts to be shot with a paintball in your open mouth my mouth was only open to say I was hit FML today at the funeral home where I work I asked my boss if it was time to bring out the stiff I didn't realize the guy's family was not only in the building but within earshot as well FML today I was at work at McDonald's at the front counter when an elderly lady came up to me and whispered I just everywhere in your restroom then turned around and walked out the door FML today I was boxing up all my brothers old stuff to take to the attic I came across a box and without checking what was inside I took it up just to have it fall on my head to then find out it was filled with dead baby hamsters FML today my brother got a new saxophone he thought a good way to break it and wants to play it in my ear loudly while I was sleeping FML today I told my boyfriend I love him being dumped wasn't the reaction I was expecting FML today I was pulled over the cops stated that he couldn't see me because I had blended in with the dark car background and that it looked like no one was driving I was literally pulled over for being black FML today I found out it takes no special training to put a large glass marble up my nostril but may require someone with a medical degree to remove it FML today out of boredom I decided to dye my hair I clumsily spilled some of the purple dye on my chest and shoulders my insane mother is convinced the marks are hickeys I got from sneaking out and having Shrek's with a boyfriend I don't even have she won't listen and I'm grounded for a month FML today I farted during a zoom call in front of our clients I thought mic was muted my team leader had a lot of things to say to me FML today thanks to all my medications I've been growing thick dark hair on my face I decided to use hair removal cream instead of shaving the cream removed every trace of hair that also made my skin about four times lighter than the rest of my face it's even more noticeable than the beard FML today I finally realize that my bipolar depression gets worse in hot weather I live in Hawaii FML today I went in for my first day of work I told them three months in advance that I was going away for two weeks to build a school in a third-world country I was fired FML today whilst doing training as a mental health nurse our glorified pineapple of a lecturer told us that trying to stop patients wanting to commits night isn't a possibility so what the are we training for FML today I was going to walk up to my crush kiss him and tell him how I felt we are already kind of touchy with each other so I thought he liked me back I walked up to him and kissed him he kissed me back then gently pushed me away he quietly whispered I'm gay then walked away FML today my six-year-old daughter and I were leaving a swimming pool when we passed the front desk where there was a Canadian flag she said look daddy a maple leaf just like on Europe I forgot that she knew about my tattoo and the flag we ran out as people burst out laughing FML today while out in public my stepmom turned and screamed at me for a good while for walking through a door before an elder people stared FML today after three months of my boyfriend complaining his weight is making him not want Rex I suggested we go for a walk to help us both start to lose weight he looked at me and said you're too fat to go walking I'm beginning to think my weight is the problem here not his FML today after my family and I returned to our motel after a long day trip we saw that the room was made as we were getting ready to sleep I pulled my sheets back to find a large piece of crap smeared all over the bed when we told the front desk about this they told us tooth Dolf FML today I punched another woman in the face I only hit her after she grabbed my four-year-old daughter and told her to stop dancing like a my daughter was so terrified she peed her pants FML today while on the bus I had to stand as all the seats were taken I was standing behind a group of small girls who were messing around with their bags as they were swinging them one hid me square in the nuts with her elbow the girl said wise up I hardly touched you I missed my stop FML today my ex who I only dated for three months told me the only reason why he dated me was because he thought my sister was hot and he just wanted to get closer to her so thank you for that FML today my boss fired me because someone hacked our website and replaced pictures of our products with furry boo don't google it it's weird as we don't have an IT department but since I spent the most time on the computer controlling stock and purchases he blamed me instead FML today I ran downstairs to meet the Amazon driver and threw on a shirt in a rush only after he left did I realize it was my shirt without full rips in the design and I'd forgot to put on a vest under it I'd flash the driver my entire right boob with nipple piercing through one of the holes FML today my mum once again cried that I never come to visit her I've tried but her house is just unbearable it's always no less than 80 degrees inside and she also refuses to clean up she just burns multiple candles and air fresheners all day to mask the smell she refuses any cleaning help I offer FML today while I was waiting for a bus a nutjob looking dude walked up to me then hissed new hipster scum you don't even need those glasses before forcibly removing the man snapping them in half I was wearing regular clothes and those prescription glasses cost me $500 FML today I rant into the guy I've been seeing he was holding hands with another girl FML today my wife told me that she isn't in a place where she can have a physical relationship that if I want us to have a physical relationship then we need to start from the bottom up and work on building a friendship I'm like we've been married 15 years and we are not even friends FML today while I was sitting in a waiting room to be seen my service dog who was tucked under the bench I was sitting let out the most file silent but deadly fart the person near me wrenched and heaved and I got death glares while someone sprayed their old lady perfume to mask the smell FML today I was on a zoom call my sister offered to go get lunch and I told her don't forget the back s1 overly sensitive co-worker swears I used a derogatory slur that sounds are saying I didn't however I'm still going to be investigated by my boss FML today after finally putting my foot down and trying to kick my husband out for his alcoholism I got a lecture from his parents about how much of a piece of [ __ ] I'm for giving up on their son I've been trying to get him to get help for the past three years FML today I fell backwards out of my hammock busting my shoulder this weekend I broke my toe falling out of it I've used hammocks my entire life but have become apparently unable to during the lockdown FML today during my staff google meet conference i forgot to mute my mic when I joined and I was still listening to a true-crime podcast I started to notice people's confused looks and realized they were all hearing the details of the bodies found FML today I was half paying attention to a text message conversation with someone about how addicted we both were to social media it wasn't until deep into the conversation that I realized we were actually talking about FML today all of my credit cards were frozen due to fraud the culprit my own mother she rationalized it by saying I owed her for acing me she didn't even raise me my grandma did FML [Music]

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Views: 140,532

Rating: 4.9065309 out of 5

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Id: dj4G5fDY9ig

Length: 11min 31sec (691 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 13 2020