Every day millions of people pretend they're
busy working or doing important things. But really
they're just looking for love. My name is Nikita Kolesnikov, and
I'd like to tell you my love story. Ordinary and absolutely incredible. Moscow, 2012
Halloween And now the star of the show...
Nicky! a.k.a. Nikita Kolesnikov. Welcome! Hi, everybody! My childhood was sad, sad as a Moldovan saleswoman
from the outskirts of Chisinau. To escape from this horrible
reality... I invented Bobby. Once, I saw Robert De Niro on TV
and I thought, He's a cool dude. He rules. Everyone's fucking afraid of him. I thought I'd like to be like Bobby. I remember, it was in sixth grade... My mother asked me: "How are
you doing in chemistry?" I was like, What the fuck? Are you
really asking me this? This bullshit about chemistry?
You seriously want to know? Why aren't you interested whether
your kid ate today or not? Or maybe your kid got fucking
tired! How about that?! Tell me this, did chemistry
ever help you in life? You're a manicurist from
the outskirts of Chisinau. Tell me, how does knowing
chemistry helps you in life? Huh? And who looks so
shabby over there? What's your name, babe? Athena! Athena? Jeez! What did
you do to your parents? Don't know. I was born! Do you have a boyfriend? No. Thank God, Mamma mia! I am Nikita Kolesnikov
and Bobby! Thanks! Thanks! Thanks! Athena, beautiful! Like the name of a galaxy. I wanted to be named Tanya. No. You're obviously not Tanya. What? You look like... Ketchup! What do you mean? I want you to remember me. If told you about your
beautiful eyes you'd puke. Everybody tells you this, right? What do you do? I'm trying to sing. Trying? What? You open your
mouth and there's no sound? I do backup vocal in some bands, ads, nothing serious. Ok, cool, you're singing.
And what's your dream? To sing! But you sing already. I want to sing my songs. Do you have them? Tons. Anyone heard you? - Yes, my shampoo.
- Shampoo? I only sing in the shower.
The world's not ready yet. Shampoo. Wow! You need to expand your audience. Stop it. No, really! You might be
the new Miley Cyrus! Haven't had sex in a while? Not since this morning.
But I really mean it. Sorry, I'm not int a quick fuck. Jeez! That's great! What a relief! I'd like to get to know you,
introduce you to my mom. What are you on? Give me some. Not high yet? Let's move in together. Now. Other plans tonight? Why so fast? Why're you so slow?
Like the Internet in 1998! I can give you my number.
We'll meet up and... No way. What's wrong? Why should guys always
have to bother with this? You need the same. I don't want to waste
my time seducing you. We're on fire already! Why do I have to take
you to the movie? Or anywhere else? You're not a dog to be walked... No, that doesn't work. I don't want to wait
for your fucking call. Someone needs to put an
end to all this bullshit. Hey! Ok, let's meet tomorrow? It's too late! Ciao! Tanya! Hey! Hey? How do you know that I'm Hey? Only my mom calls me that. What's all this?
A family drama? Actually, we just met. I've known you a
thousand years already. Take the magnet out of
your panties, ok? What? Take the goddamn magnet out of your panties.
What if there are children around?! I have no magnet in my undies. Look! We're magnetized
to each other! Wow! You magnetize me. - What do you want?
- Take the magnet out. - What do you want?
- Let's sing in the shower together. I just broke up with my boyfriend. So you have nobody
to sing with, right? Hey! I don't care what
you imagine about me. Keep in mind... I might disappoint you. I don't
lie or pretend. Great! But... Take the
magnet out of your undies or I'll tear up this fucking dress. For millions of years this great power has
attracted men and women to each other. That night it happened to us. It was incredible. But... This is not a story about
how we lived happily ever after. It's a completely different story. Kolesnikov, go fuck yourself! [As you can see we made it.] [Our dream came true and
we became a real couple.] [But this time it wasn't just
a regular fight.] [Ten minutes ago Athena
said she was leaving me.] Cappuccino for Nikita is ready. - So, you met someone?
- No. Yes. Where? At the dance club. You dance together? Yes. We dance together. Awesome. How many times? Not many. Two. Two times? I decided to burn all bridges. Burn all bridges?
Are you fucking Che Guevara? You haven't heard me.
For a long time now. "You haven't heard me. For a long time."
I heard you. See? Who's he? His name's Alex. Alex! Great! He's a dentist. Wait!
You left me for a dentist? Are you kidding me? You know I hate them
since my childhood. I told you how one of them
pulled two healthy teeth out while drunk? Yes. And then gave me a box of chocolate,
and said, Sorry, dude, shit happens. - Nikita, I know this story.
- Don't interrupt me! - It's not about him.
- They're all assholes. - It's not about him!
- Don't interrupt me! You can't leave... I won't be talking to you anymore. - Why?
- Fuck you... Let's add some sugar. It didn't make it to my cup. Let's add some more. - How about I do it myself.
- No, let me, I'm a gentleman. Just right! Cappuccino for Nikita is ready. What's that? Looks like keys. - Take them, please.
- I have my own keys. Put those in your fucking bag. Don't leave me. I'll change. I promise. I've changed already. Look, my eyes are a different
color now, right? What's going on with my hands?
Wow! They're extending. What's with my voice? My voice has become serious, yeah? I sound like a bank employee. A top manager. Honey! Come home, hurry. Oh, dear! I had a hard day
at work. I want you to hold me. Come home, my dear. I cooked fondue! It's waiting for
you in our lovely little nest. My sweetheart, I opened a bottle of wonderful
French Le chateau, year eighty-seven. Hurry up! You see, I've changed. I'm a different man now. This is funny! Write it
down. A week. One week. And I'll have you back. Don't think so. You'll see. You don't hear me at all. [Cappuccino for Nikita is ready.] I hear everything! I hear you
and this fucking barista. When your girl leaves you, the first thing
that comes to mind is to kill yourself, of course. Jump under the car, for example. But everything was against me that day. Hello! [Nick, where are you?
You're on in an hour.] I can't. [Are you crazy? Why?] I'm trying to commit suicide.
Waiting for the traffic to clear. [Cut this bullshit! Come over!] I haven't had sex for such a long time. I feel like a library. Big, empty library... that no one has visited for a long time. Hey, man! Need a library card? No? No. I'm good. As always. [I just thought...] Hi! Hi! You're after Wall-e. And... Krylov over there, see?
Scouting people for the new show. Go get them, baby! Fuck him. Today, my girlfriend left
me for a dentist. She left. In one piece... I was like "Leave me your leg, at least... ... or a hand." With your hand and a surrogate
mother we could still have kids. She was like, "No, I can't, my boyfriend
won't get it." I was like "Well, ok, leave
me anything". She said: "You can keep my turtle." Fuck. Turtle! It's time to quit girls.
I'm done with them. Guys, think about it, it's so
unfair... Imagine this: She's horny, taking
off her panties and all that... and you're like, "Wait,
I can't do it. It's too fast." "First, I want you to meet my mom,
and get to know you better." What the hell? Chicks
should suffer too: "Will he show me his dick
after the movie, or not?" They need sex too,
don't they? They do! Why tits are so precious
and the dick always comes for free? Why's the dick so available? Seriously! I ask you. Why? This is discrimination! Let them suffer: "Will I see
his dick tonight or not?" Let them feel how we feel. Want my dick - give me presents! How much do they want
for the corporate party? It was funny. Cool stuff. We're stirring up a new show on TV. It's called "The Laugh Battle". Could be really good for you. No. Are you a moron? I thought you wanted your girl back. You know, when I went on TV... ...all my exes suddenly remembered me. What, you think you're so indie, right?
So cool? But if you want your
girl back - you get on TV. See you on the dark side,
at Satan's camp. And hurry. Honey, did you just call me Satan again? Of course, not you. Telly rules! Let's go! I'm so bored already! [I don't understand what
you're talking about.] [Come on!] Don't worry, you'll forget
her in a week. Yes. Yes? I already forgot. [Hi! This is Athena. I'll call
you back as soon as I can.] Dude, that's my phone.
Pick it up for me, please. I just had surgery. I'm calling my mom. Why? Why? Why? How painful! Somebody, go to a drug store and
get some shit to stop this shit. Dude, the only way to get over
a woman is sex with two women. Or at least one woman. Or at least... with Wall-e. We're just friends. I'm off. Suddenly our place became strange
and cold, like a hotel room. Her voice was doing circles in my head... But I didn't get what she meant. I want to tell you one thing... It used to piss me off a lot. I never
thought I'd ever say it, but... I want us to be friends. Friends? What? We'll go to sports bars
and talk about girls? Then I had the worst dream of my life. Nikita... I need to talk to you. You're a grown-up now, you'll understand. Remember we were at a party last week? I met someone there. I met a boy there. You understand, right? I'm not your mother anymore. I'm leaving you for another boy. Actually, you have to leave. Why? Babe, because this is my apartment. But you know, it's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. You're too good for me... Too good... Look, is that your ex? Yes. He just can't let it go. Jeez. [Why hasn't the stock been cleared?] Valera, I can't do everything. What do you want? I'm from "Planet of Memories". Three boxes. Three boxes? Are you drunk or what? No, I'm handicapped. I work as a delivery man. Oh, well... Sorry, man. I... Need help? No. What happened? Accident. I fell from the 10th floor when I was a child. How'd you survive? I landed in a concrete mixer. It was near the house. Sorry! I couldn't get to you yesterday. Was looking after my sister. Athena left me. What a bitch! If you insult my girl
again, I'll cut your head off. [Hi! This is Athena. I'll call you
back as soon as I can.] Bitch! Bitch! Refresh yourself with thermal
water. A client forgot this. Hi, Vadik! Would you like anything? Maybe a mug with a picture,
or a cushion? What do you want, sweeties? Something for a memory. We want to print a photo
on a mug or a clock. What would be more romantic?
What do you think? What do I think? Yes. As a specialist. As a specialist, I advise you to leave
her before she dumps you. I lived with her. Do you know him? I don't know him. Well, not with her exactly,
but with one of them. They all look the same
to me, like the Chinese. What do they call them?
Those in skirts? - Scots?
- No, not them. Chicks! Exactly! Chicks! Let me show you something. Print on a cushion. Very popular option. Oh! A cushion with her photo! When she dumps you,
you can jerk off to it. Hey, calm down! Guys, don't be harsh. His entire family was killed
in a car crash recently. Imagine how it hurts. Ok, sorry. It was his brand new car. Such a shock. Getting anything? Crazies! - For sure you don't know him?
- For sure! [For sure?] [Yes. For sure.] [Did you sleep with him or what?] So, what happened? Can you help me save Athena
from this asshole? Sure. Can you find his digits? No problem. What's his name? Alex Yartsev. Done! He's working today. I texted you his address. So fast? What's the application? Brain. Cool. And what's your plan? Fuck the plan! [Dentist: Yartsev Aleksey] [I got two bottles of brut. See you at ten.] So, what do we have here? I was told it's an emergency. Let's see. If you put something in my mouth
again, I'll kill you. Fuck off! What'd you say? Fuck off! Of course, it hurts. Be a man! Fuck off, I said. You're in deep shit. I'll call security. Try. See what happens! You're drunk! I know! How could she fall for you? You're so old. Well, the glasses make me look a bit older. Everybody falls for me. They say I look like Woody Allen. I have charisma. You have no charisma. How do you know?
You're not a woman. You're dead, Yartsev! It wasn't Yartsev.
The old man was replacing him. Yartsev hasn't been at work
for two days now. Of course. They're fucking all the time. But, let's look at the bright side. What's that? The more they fuck, the faster she'll
understand you're better. You're better, right? I don't know, but your energy... I'd never leave you for a dentist. Maybe, if you become friends, it could work... Look at us:
we're not sleeping together and we're doing just fine. Vadik! Yes, sorry! Have you hacked her PM? Yes! It's weird. Not a word about him. No pics! Dude! She made him up! That's it! What for? To teach me a lesson. I've been an asshole lately. Did you hit her? No, I was a charming asshole. Hello! Trying to turn me on? What? I got the point! What are you talking about? There's no dentist. You made him up to
teach me a lesson, right? How'd you figure it out? I know you. You're such a storyteller. Great! I'm happy
you figured it out. What's the address?
I'll send a cab for you. Ok, let me just ask Alex. Alex? You know what? He doesn't
want me to go. Sorry, bye! What Alex? He doesn't exist. Doesn't exist? Go to my page in five minutes! What a freak. He looks like a pedophile. When do we get our paycheck? Two days, why? I want to hire a hitman. It's expensive. I have no choice. Fight fire with fire. Where is that chick of yours? Hello, Nikita! Hi! Vadim. Since when are you Vadim? This is Vadik (short form of Vadim). Where you from? My mother's womb. Who's the father? Photoshop? You're smart. Maybe you'll figure
out how to escape this lousy job. Well? Sexy, right? Yes! You're mega-sexy! You're like Marilyn Monroe. No, better. Like... Brad Pitt! Really? Guys! What's going on here? Enough romance! Sorry! Hey, James Cameron,
let's make the movie! Let's go! It won't work! We have no chemistry. We'll add the chemistry
in post-production. Meow! Girls, once more. Meow. Again. Meow. And again. Come on! Now let's try to talk like cats. It's awesome, isn't it? Seriously? Hello! Yes, Alex! Ok, coming down. [Good evening, dear guests and dancers!] [Welcome to the Latin dance tournament.] We're ready to start! Buenas noches! What a pleasant encounter! And you are, I suppose,
Monsieur Yartsev? El Dentista! And you Nikita? Nice to meet you -- Fuck off, asshole! This is your new boyfriend? Yes. I thought he was your grandfather. - How old are you, sir?
- 39. - 39?
- Yes! Not 79? Not really. Does the age difference bother you? How do you spend your evenings? Listening to the gramophone? Nikita, fuck off. We've been
preparing for this for three months. By the way, I'm Valya. - But everybody calls me WALL-E!
- Why WALL-E? I'm like a robot in bed. Valya... Why hide your talents? No, you didn't get it right! I'm kind of a porno-robot.
I never stop. So, beat it, bitch! Get lost! You know our love went on
fire so suddenly! Nikita, why don't you try to
support Athena today? It's so important to her. And then we can go somewhere
and have a drink?! I know how you got her. You probably told her your
favorite movie is "Dirty Dancing"? - And that was enough for her.
- What? Great movie. I won't give her to you. I think you upset your
lady talking like this. Don't you see it's a stunt? I saw your pics today. Did you like them? It's pathetic. Blue screen and cheap backgrounds. The screen was green. "Avatar"
was shot just the same. By the way, this is Valya,
we do standup together. She's a comedian too. I'm Valya, the comedian. We're just friends. I just wanted to piss you off. I don't care. No, you do care. I don't care. No, you do care. - You're scared.
- What? That you may lose me. I see it in your eyes. Kolesnikov, calm down. - I left you. Remember?
- Go to hell! I won't root for you today. If you wouldn't leave, I'd root
for you and all would be fine. Fine, stay with him. When you go nuts watching "Dirty Dancing"
over and over again... Don't call me. I won't come to the rescue. Congrats! You did
your best to get me back! And leave "Dirty Dancing" alone.
You've never even watched it with me! And this asshole did? No, really, "Dirty Dancing" is a great movie. I've always liked it. Yartsev, your face is like a plasma TV set. So fucking hard to recognize. Come on, WALL-E. We're leaving! By the way, we perform first.
Pull yourself together! Shhh... Watch out! I've hated dentists since my childhood. When that drunk guy pulled
out two of my healthy teeth. I was sitting there all alone waiting for my mom. All alone. Dreaming
of turning into a robot. Robots are cool. They don't cry, don't suffer. They feel nothing. And no one can hurt them. Being a robot is better
than being a man. And now I want to become
a robot again and feel nothing. But I'm no child now, and this time
the dentist won't get away so easily. [WARNING! A sex offender lives
in this building! Be careful!] Watch out. Next strike will be
at the "Dream" restaurant. He has a corporate party. Fifth
anniversary of the clinic. I already reserved a table for you. Soon everyone will see
the dark side of Alex Yartsev. Act like a dentist. Mix with the crowd and enjoy
the agony of your enemy. Is that Robert De Niro? Yes, my name is Bobby. And you know what I'll do? I'll break the dentist's back. Then I'll break his skull. And I'll
feed his remains to the dogs. I've been in this business for 35 years.
35 years I've been killing dentists. And no dentist has escaped from Bobby. Hey, bro, did you get the plan? Yeah, I got it. Yo bro! Did you just throw French fries at me? Yeah, I just picked up these french
fries and threw them at you. Threw French fries at me? Yeah, I just threw French fries at you. No fucking way you just threw
French fries at me? Mamma mia, yeah... I just threw those
mother fucking French fries. Holy shit, you just threw
the fucking fries at me. Yeah, French fries, bro. I just threw those French fries at him! Fries! Fucking French fries! Alright! Do you wanna know what
I'm gonna do to you now? What? I'm gonna throw
this napkin at you... Did you just throw this
fucking napkin at me! Yeah! I threw this fucking
napkin at you. ... ... ... How does he act like that? I don't know. Have you found an actor? Yeah. I did. It's time to try the beard. What beard? Let's cheers to us. [To our friendly team.] Nikita! Vadik?! Where's the actor? I'm the actor. You're the actor? Yeah. Don't worry!
I'll do it right! Do you have eye make up on? Well, yeah. And I shaved my legs too. I'm in character. Cool, yeah? We're going crazy.
Like soldiers in Iraq. It's time to call it off. Take it, please. It won't work. I asked
you to find an actor. I needed you to find an actor. I told you, I got it.
Do you hear me? - What will you do? You'll fuck it up...
- I'm the actor. I rehearsed. - You're not an actor, you're an idiot!
- I'm a good actor. Got it? Calm Down! I told you I got it. I rehearsed. Can you trust me for once? Look, I've been in the 'prints'
for five years now. Though I always dreamt of working for "Pixar". And fuck black girls like Gauguin did.
I wanted to do lots of things. But what do I do... print hearts on mugs every day. And I'm 32 already! Human second hand! At least you had a cool chick dump you... And I... I've been living with my
guinea pig for the past two years. We watch telly together. I have fish too, got them a week ago. Everybody says, Get a dog, but if
I do, I might fuck it... cause I feel so fucking lonely! No large animals for me, man. I don't know how to get out of it. So, give me a chance today. Believe in me. You're my only
friend. Apart from my guinea pig. I want to wake up tomorrow and tell myself: "Vadik! What was that yesterday!
You rocked, man!" I'm gonna go now and
kick this dentist's ass. I love you! I'm sorry ... I know
I am an asshole sometimes. Well, you're a charming asshole
and you're my friend. Ok, enough hugging. I go! Get my Oscar ready! Good evening! I like your beard. It's yours. Have fun with it. Attention, please! Ladies and Gentlemen,
dear dentists ... I have a toast! I've known Alex for a long time. When did we meet? It was a hot party! Crazy times! We were so young. So free. Alex, remember that cute T-shirt
with Freddie Mercury on it, I got you? Do you still sleep in it, huh? Anyway... I remember... Your head on my
shoulder... Tears falling down your face... and you said: "You know Vadik, I don't feel anything
for women." "They are like stones to me." "Beautiful, but cold." "They're like sushi." What are you talking about. I eat sushi. Everybody does,
but I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. Remember, baby? We live in hard times... the time when all of us... Alex... What am I trying to say... Now's a very hard time. Pardon me, madam! Hard time... Hello, dear guests! No surprise that Vadim is so nervous. Cos we live in an era
of masks and fake morality. But, Alex, don't let the light
of hope turns off in your heart. I hope you find your true love. Again. Alex, do you remember those g-strings
I gave you? Such an elegant model. "Agent Provocateur" And the way you pronounced it, "Agent
Provocator," so charming. Your rough, provincial style...
I always found it so hot. Your speech was so good today. Alex, are you wearing
that g-string right now? I'm afraid not, Vadim, I think Alex... traded Gay Disneyland for
a boring life in North Korea of heterosexuality. But you still can rise
and proudly say: "I'm gay!" "I'm gay, and I'm not ashamed of it,
like a bird not ashamed of its ability to fly." Cos it's
our nature. It's the way The Lord created us! And the last thing. I know you're a good man... It's unfair for Athena.
You know what I mean. After all, she's just like
a guinea pig for you. A cute animal that helps you escape
boredom...Helps you hide your true feelings. Let her go... ...and be with someone who she really loves. Fuck! What the fuck are you doing? Vadik? She recognized me! How? I'm in character. What fucking character? This
moron put you up to this? I don't understand. What are you saying, babe. Friends, it's
the first time I see these two. And I'm not wearing g-strings. I can show you. My God, Alex,
be yourself! Take off your beard! I brought you your toothbrush. Stick it up your ass. I
bought a new one. - He didn't tell you he's gay?
- He's not gay! - How do you know?
- I sleep with him, Nikita! Why the fuck did you tell me that? What the fuck are you doing here? Calm down, Nikita. Life goes on. The Earth is round. The sky
is blue. I'm not your girl any more. Do you understand me, hey! Hey, don't call me Hey! Ok?
I'm no longer Hey for you! - Fuck off!
- We're fine, Alex! Don't look at me, dentist! Take your toothbrush!
[Don't touch my friend!] No! Give it back! Give me the fucking toothbrush! I won't give it back to you. You'll come back to me.
I won't give you to this asshole! This crap will bring us closer,
and when you come back... this toothbrush will be waiting for you. Don't touch me! Let us go! Did you see that? She hesitated. She knows we are inseparable. She feels it. And you know why? Because we're like Twix. What do you mean? Everyone called us Twix. Because we're like Twix, inseparable. Have you seen this moron? They are not Twix at all. No! They are not Twix. We have to finish it. It's time to call... ...Satan? [The Laugh Battle] Hi! Where's the casting
for "The Laugh Battle"? Here. Where's Krylov? I'm replacing him.
You can show your stuff to me. - You?
- Yeah. And these guys? No, I saw them already. And what are they doing here? I don't know. I'm not their mom! Are you gonna make
jokes or what? Maybe you should record
it on your phone? No. He's a technophobe.
I'll retell it. Don't worry. Are you Hans Christian Andersen
or what? Joking already? Not funny.
I'm starting to lose interest. Are you from Ukraine? Are you a racist? Do you want to get
on this show or not? Comedians are like dirt in Russia.
You're not the only one. So, let's go. The Laugh Battle... Ok! Darling, don't freak out though, ok? Just make jokes, that's it! As you know, the Apocalypse is coming... And... I'm kidding. I'm here for the casting too. I was bored, and I decided
to have some fun. Sorry! Shmuel! Shmuel!? My name is Sonya Shmuel. Sonya Shmuel?! Are you a racist, what's so funny? - Shmuel.
- Shmuel. [How much for a wedding?] [That's funny!] Hi, nerd. I know you, you're odd. Hello! You're funny!
Do I remember you? But it doesn't matter,
it's not a prime-time show. Hi, mediocrities! Guys, straighten up. Pushkin, I asked you
not to come anymore. I have new jokes. Go tell them to your grandmother. Are you ready?
Who's first? Come here, Goblin's granddaughter. Ready to joke? Go! Every day we're looking for love. The problem is that we think it's
like a trip to Paris or Disneyland. But in reality, it's a
journey on a wild river. And you never know
where it will take you. As we all know
the apocalypse will get us soon. And I thought it won't be as scary
with a blonde girl next to me. They're so positive. If a blonde sees a nuclear explosion,
she won't run looking for shelter. She'll take a selfie of it and put it on her instagram, hashtag: "Girls! Me and the A-bomb" Wow, funny? Really? Well, I'm not here for this. A dentist stole my girlfriend. And I am here to tell him one thing: I'm better than you. I am better! You're doomed, Alex Yartsev. You can't stop me! I'm on TV, and you're not. Yeah! We love each other,
and you won't take us apart. Alex Yartsev, I challenge
you to a duel. Any place, any time.
Just you and me. My phone: 8 926 773 81 64 Come on! Do you love her? Prove it! How was it? Cool, right? Modest, but nice. Actually not that modest.
It's a famous brand. I still hope we can be friends. For the sake of the woman we both love. Is this a sweater? For me? Actually, it's a sweatshirt. Yartsev, are you looney? I've challenged you to a duel. I saw it. It's a hit on Youtube already. Friends and colleagues
have been calling me. I feel like a star. So you've
reached your goal? Got your 15 minutes of fame? Bravo! Now can you stop this nonsense? No, Yartsev, you don't get it. We're gonna fight. If you don't like the color,
I can exchange it for another. I kept the receipt. A sweater won't be enough. It's a sweatshirt. So what? Look, Nikita... Why are you so brave? Poking me with a toothpick. You don't know anything about me. Maybe I'm a Thai boxing champion.
Maybe I can kill with one punch? Maybe I'm really a psycho? Huh? Who do you think you are?
Hannibal Lecter? You can't scare me. "Why're you so brave, Nikita?" "Poking me with a toothpick. You
don't know anything about me." "Maybe I was sitting in jail. Huh?" Call me when you make up your mind! [I'll be back in 10 minutes.] Vadik, where are you? Vadik?! Nikita Kolesnikov! Happy to meet you! Can I get your autograph, please!
My bears will freak out. Vadik! Stop it! You were on fire yesterday. You were so hot I had to move away
from the screen. It's all bullshit, Vadik. That
wasn't my goal. I know! But still, you're my hero. Here, for you, in memory
of what you've done. Thanks, dude! Thank you! Yesterday you fucked your fear. You fucked the fear of Russia. - Really?
- Yes. Tomorrow I'll get a girlfriend. Is this bear for me, too? No! It's for tomorrow's operation. Did the dentist call? He came over. He wants an easy out. That won't work. Tomorrow we'll grab his ass! I mean ... We'll grab Athena's ass. Sorry... you'll grab her ass, again. Hey, do you know what the time is now?! [Romantic!] [Mom, look! It's the man from TV!] Lady, move in with me! Or you have other plans tonight? You're crazy. I'll sing here till you give
me a second chance. Come down! Will you stop that! We are connected, don't you feel it? We can't break up. Why don't
you understand this? It's bigger than us. You forget how they called us? Twix! We are Twix! We can't break up, even if we want. Hey, pack your things. Let's
start all over again. Good evening, Nikita! I see you can't calm down. Get lost, you, dentist. Wanna fight, right? We consider this our weapon, ok? Alex, what are you doing? I'm gonna puke now.
Give me my guitar! Give me my guitar, you moron! Give it to me, it's mine... Take it! Try to get it, you fucking comedian.
Come on now, your turn. Want me to crack
your jaws with this boombox? Come on. Show me what you got. Your guitar is out off tune. Let me fix it... Fuck off! [Hey you drunks, stop making noise.] We're sorry. Why are you yelling at
the old woman? - I'm not yelling at her.
- You are! Alex, come home! You fucking infant! - Calm down, will you?
- Fuck you! - Guys!
- Fuck you too! - I`m sick of you!
- Sick of you I am! - Get away from us!
- There's no 'you' anymore! - She loves me.
- Yes, she loves you! As a friend! Stop it for God's sake! No, she loves me! - Will you calm down or not?
- Fuck off! Alex! She loves me! Nikita, stop it! - She loves me!
- Yeah, as a friend! She loves me! Give me my guitar! Why are you so nervous? This is my father's guitar. Why the hell did you swing it? If you did broken my guitar, then I will
smash your fancy car fucking down! It was my father's guitar. Fuck! Shit! Why every time I meet
a dentist, I lose healthy teeth? What have I done to you all? Calm down, don't move! Fuck off, you fucking dentist! Let me see.
Open your mouth! Damn! Nikita, you've got a broken tooth.
This is very serious. - Let's go to my clinic.
- Leave me alone! I'm a robot. I don't care. I don't feel pain. This thing in my hand is a pulp extractor. Death comes quick and painless. Got it? What? Just kidding! I'll remove the nerve, fill the root canal
and make a small dental post. Ok? Let's do it? This is a temporary tooth. In two weeks or so, I'll make
a permanent one. Be careful chewing. Our duel turned so dumb. What did you think? That it'd
be "The Matrix"? You hit me, and I fly in slow motion? I don't know. And now... Let' have a drink, for our
close encounter, so to speak. Holy shit! I'll text Athena and tell
her everything is ok. Me too. No injuries, no damage. Almost. Shit, I'm out of battery. Give me your phone. I'll order a cab. You want my phone too?
My girlfriend's not enough? Here. Where'd you learn to sing? In Brazil. Brazil? Yeah, carnivals and stuff. My father worked in Brazil. In foreign policy. Portuguese is my second language. Did you learn fighting there too? In the slums of Rio de Janeiro. Come on! Yes, drugs, whores, cards,
cash, difficult childhood. Oh, what a difficult childhood! Alright! I'm joking! I've been doing Capoeira
for 5 years for fun. Karupero? Capoeira. It's a mix of dancing and martial arts. It's a Brazilian thing. Can I ask you a personal question? Bring it on. Why'd you become a dentist? If it's too private,
you don't have to answer. There's a story about it. But don't laugh. I was ten years old. And I watched "Jaws" on TV. - Do you remember that film?
- Yes. As I watched it, I realized that
I was ... different. What do you mean? I was rooting for the shark. She had those beautiful white
teeth. It was amazing... And when the shark
was finally killed,I cried all night. No way... Yeah, "Jaws" is my "Titanic". Let's drink for her, the beauty! You mean, the shark? Well, you drink for the shark if you want. Good evening, boys! Did I miss something? Well... We fought. And we drank. I guess you need to talk... Well, I'm taking a shower.
You have 10 minutes. Don't use my shampoo.
Use yours. The one for men. How will I know it's for men? There's a man on the label. How do I know he's a man? Ha ha ha. Your dentist is a psycho.
He knocked my tooth out. Really? Show me! Let me see. Open your mouth! Ouch! Everything seems in place. There's an implant. - Looks real.
- Yeah! A fighter, a singer and
a dentist! All in one. Hi! Hi! Well, have you finally calmed down? Couldn't you act like a man before? Did you act like a man? When you left me for this... Do you kinda love me? Kinda, yeah. Close your eyes. - What for?
- Just close them! Why? Close your eyes. Ok. Now imagine we will never
sleep together again. No! - Try.
- I won't. - Just try.
- I don't want to. Just imagine it for a minute. Ok. I imagined. Now repeat what you just said.
That you love me. See, how simple it is? I'm telling you: Don't leave me. I need you. You won't come back to me, will you? At least it's fair that way. I don't want two guys grabbing my ass. It'll make my ass age too fast. I want to look
like ketchup in my fifties. You'll always look like ketchup. I'm not a medical ventilator. Disconnect from me. You don't need me to breathe.
Breathe youself. Fuck. You want me to be your friend? For fuck sake, alright,
I'll be your friend. Bobby is crying! Fool! Fuck off, Bobby,
why are you crying! Close your eyes. What for? Damn, close your eyes. Is your offer still valid? What offer? To be your friend. Yes, of course. Then I want you to
propose to me officially. How? Open your eyes. Go ahead, propose to me. - What are these?
- Rings. - They're crackers, Nikita.
- No, these are rings, Athena. What should I do with them? What do people usually do with rings? - Should I propose?
- Yes! Actually, it's a man's job to propose. It's not an engagement ring.
This is a friendship ring. Be my friend. Name. Surname. Nikita Kolesnikov, you moron,
be my friend. In sickness and in health...? Yes. Until death do us part? Yes! And striptease on Skype once a week. No! Just kidding. I, Nikita Kolesnikov... take Athena Gordeeva... to be my friend... and I swear to be there for her in
grief and happiness until death... kinda do us part. Did you just fucking eat
the friendship ring?! Are you nuts? Nikita, don't, your tooth. Don't move! What's going on here? Who is this dude?
Is he your lover or what? I'm her friend. Hey, you freak, are you
seducing my woman? You have special luck with jerks. It's true! Go wash your face and
we'll watch my favorite movie. Which one? Chin-Chin ... Chin-Chin ... Oh, "Jaws" again. Good idea.
I love "Jaws"! Damn! Yes! Ok. I got it. I'll be there in half an hour. Everyone is looking for love... but everyone is so afraid to find it. It's scary to get close to someone
and then lose them. But breaking up is a part of living. This is a planet of break-ups. I wonder why they don't teach
us that when we are children. Who needs math, when you're told: "I'm sorry, let's just be friends." I want to let you go, baby. I want to be your friend. But I just don't know how. As a child, I was taught
to do my homework. Life is not like they told us in school. Yes, chemistry class is great. But the class of Letting Go is more useful. Really, how about such a class? [Charlie 1968-1993] Let me go, babe. I'm trying to. I'll go to my mom. Haven't seen her for a long time. Say hello. Ok. Damn. I forgot my coat at the dentist's office. You only have a T-shirt? Yeah. I'll get you something. No. I have a sweater. I mean, a sweatshirt. So, you need advice?
Time heals something like this? No. I just wanted to see you. That's good... Everything is fine. I know, mom. A girl left you. That's life. Why torture each other if it's over? Who's her new boyfriend? A dentist. Very good. Could be useful some day. It already was. See what I'm saying. Eat! Eat as if you never had anything
better in your life. Mom! Thanks! It's so delicious! You're such a bad actor. Can you wrap it to go? I can't believe they let you on TV?! [Two weeks later] [I haven't had sex for so long.] Does anybody need a library card? [I need.] I love to read. Tonight I was gonna get drunk
and curse my fate. But suddenly my plans
totally changed. You can be happy,
like the tune of this song In the depths of mind
There's no sadness, no death You can be happy... Ok, you're a singer.
What's your dream? To sing! But you sing already. I sing other people's songs,
but I want to sing my own. Has anyone heard you? No, I only sing in the shower. You need to expand your audience. Ah! Pizza from Mother Earth! Hi! Our coach just called. A pipe burst, we
have to rehearse somewhere else. Where? Not far. What a place... There, the second door on the right. Go! Everybody's there. And you? I forgot my stuff in the car.
I'll be right back. Go! It's cool you came. The "Ketchup" band
is looking for a vocalist right now. This is my song.
How do you know it? We scanned your brain... Who cares? Do you want to
sing in your band or not? Look at this, "Ketchup" T-shirts. Ketchup! Ketchup! If you're afraid, here's
your shower cap. It'll help you feel safe. You make me sick, Kolesnikov. Put it on! Don't be afraid! Imagine you are alone in a giant bathtub. We still can do it. We
can record your songs. Just get out of the shower. It's time to expand your audience. By the way, "Ketchup" is
having a gig in a month. - Let's go!
- No! - Yes?
- No! Fine, deal. You can be happy Even if I'm a drug addict Even if I'm an alcoholic Even if I'm a nymphomaniac You can be happy Even if I get naked on the bus Even if I put a globe on top of my head Even if I flood the apartment with coca cola I'm not a murderer I'm not a maniac I want you to be happy with me or without me Maybe I'm schizophrenic But just be happy Be happy You can be happy too... Because of my epic performance at "The Laugh Battle",
a lot of people showed up at Athena's debut gig. I never saw her so happy and free. And I got an idea. What if the point is not to live happily ever after. but to meet someone who helps
you discover who you are... and gets you out of the shower. And then nothing can keep you
apart. Even if you break up. It's so strange that we're afraid
to be friends with those... we shared the best moments of our lives with. But what else can we be? Maybe I don't look like a Bond girl but...
Do you wanna have a drink? Where did I see you? "The Laugh Battle". Shmuel. - Right!
- Sonya Shmuel. Yes. Hans Christian Anderson. Wow! Usually people only remember
my name, not me. You've changed. Yeah, I was hit by a car. Glasses. Right. What's happened? I switched to contacts. Yeah, your eyes look unreal. Why unreal? Weird? Magical! I have a gig tonight
and I need some fans. Do you want to be my fan? Do you want to come? Tonight? I'm not sure. Let me check my schedule. I'm not sure. I'll try. Will you come? I'll come! Plus one? Plus zero. Cool! When romance comes to an end... we swear not to fall into this trap again. But after some time... we start looking for this trap all over again.
